The forgotten Mum

[damnthatanxiety]

I feel so down. Married for nearly 30 years to a good man who I love and who I know loves me. But I feel completely taken for granted and at the bottom of the priority list. He hasn't got me anything for Christmas. He panics at gift buying. TBF he has bought be phenomenal gifts in the past but in recent years, he has relied on me buying something for myself and him wrapping it up for Christmas/birthday. Anniversary and valentines have gone by the wayside. I always speak with the DC (2 are young adults living with us. 1 is a teen) to make sure they have something for their dad, write a nice card etc. I make Christmas all magical and lovely fir everyone. The older two are ok. One better than the other but they at least write lovely genuinely heartfelt cards. I don't want them spending lots on me. Just show their love and appreciation. The younger one loves to do all this but has to rely on a parent to help with the logistics of going to buy stuff (transport etc). I always make sure to do this with her for DH. I always wanted them to grow up feeling that it was important to show gratitude and love at times of celebration. I found out last night that DH has 'forgotten' to do anything for me this Christmas. He's been super busy I know but he has literally forgotten to do anything. Youngest one was all concerned that she hasn't got me anything as her dad hasn't taken her to the shops (she can't get their alone). And now they are all shut. He looked horrified and said he had 'forgotten'. Forgotten me. Forgotten that I am a person to treat. Forgotten to prioritise me. Forgotten that I count at Christmas too.
I slept in the sofa last night and this morning have told him that I'm done with Christmas. That he has done a shit job of parenting the DC to prioritise me ever and that Christmas is done as far as I'm concerned. Presents are wrapped. House looks pretty. Food has been bought. It's all on him now. I'm done. I'm done with making it all nice for everyone and now feeling forgotten and unimportant.

@BetterCare How low can we set the bar for men? It is almost lying on the floor and some people seem to want to set it lower by thinking the OP should do more. Can't speak for others but I don't think she should do more, I think she should do less so everyone can have a nice relaxing Christmas without all the drama.

*Today 13:38CheltenhamLady

I genuinely think that gift-giving can be quite hard for men. *

Men manage to do hard and difficult things every day.

You can Google 'how to buy a thoughtful gift for my wife'. You can ask her mum or sister what they think she might want. You can, God forbid, listen to her conversations for clues about what she might like.

If the will is there, there is always a way. This posters husband just does not care if she is disappointed.

@damnthatanxiety what’s happened today? Has he redeemed himself in any way?

My husband wouldn't know what to buy me. I couldn't even give you a suggestion. I'm perfectly happy with what I have. I could guess that he'd might like something connected to one of his two main hobbies but as both are quite technical and I don't know anything about them that would be as far as it goes. I hate waste, loathe getting things I won't use or don't need, I suppose a gift voucher is the best thing but exchanging gift vouchers seems pointless.

If I see something he might like I'd buy it but generally that would be something practical so probably would be very special for Christmas.

Oh OP I totally understand how let down you must feel, I hope he pulls out all the stops to treat you like a queen tmw, breakfast in bed, etc.
There really is no excuse in the age of online shopping to have not got you anything, it can literally be a 5 minute job, so the lack of thought is very disappointing.

Have you told him how you feel op? If not you must - don't just sit around all Christmas being passive-aggressive about it.

Oh God. It's how we all feel. Forgotten. What a complete fucking ass. I'd be writing him a heart felt email explaining how it feels. Spell it all out. Don't keep letting him take. What a fucker.

Oh God. It's how we all feel. Forgotten.

Do we?

D'you know what? I think I might take the nuclear option and say I wasn't doing any more for Christmas for DH and the adult DCs. And I'd say it tomorrow. AFTER they've all opened their gifts and you haven't because there weren't any, except from your DD.

Reading between the lines the two adult DCs are also male. Tell your DD what you're doing and tell her why. Tell her this isn't the way it should be, the women expected to do everything then the menz get to sit back and enjoy it. Tell her you and her will still have a lovely day.

The thing about leaving it to the new year is that the impact is lost. They'll think you don't mean it, that you're just feeling crabby. When the presents have been opened, you could just sit back in your chair and say 'right, who's doing dinner?'. That alone should be a wake up call.

I don;t buy with victim blaming bu ( I know) we need to claim our right- in life in family position, in the way we want and NEED to be treated.
I support and care for my family, but I demand that because of that I am Queen bee.
I respect and treat myself with compassion.
That is where it starts.

@CheltenhamLady

Nothing to do with having a penis though, more to do with not knowing much about shopping or brands

This is the man you live with! Presumably he can stroll around your house and witness your preference for diptyque tuberose or whatever your chosen candle is, type that into google and find myriad establishments from which he can purchase online and have delivered to his door.

They don’t need to know anything about shopping and brands for goodness sake, however they do need a passing acquaintance with their wife and her interests. And the desire to want to spend time and effort on her.

It is that which seems to trouble so many men not that fucking shops are a challenge

Oh God. It's how we all feel. Forgotten

Don’t normalise poor behaviour.

She has now spent time making me things which is adorable but she was upset that she couldn't buy me something with her own money because 'dad was always busy'. Too busy for me

Aw! Your DD sounds really lovely and if I were you I would definitely be making a big fuss of how pleased you are with the things she has made you because it is the thought that counts and she has clearly put in a lot of thought and effort.

[quote Lemons1571]@damnthatanxiety what’s happened today? Has he redeemed himself in any way?[/quote]
He's all in a fluster-panic. He is trying to be extra nice and make me coffees etc. Problem is that this happens everytime there is a celebratory event. AFTER he has once again failed to even try to make me feel appreciated, he faffs about trying to make good. I'm sick of it

@5foot5

She has now spent time making me things which is adorable but she was upset that she couldn't buy me something with her own money because 'dad was always busy'. Too busy for me

Aw! Your DD sounds really lovely and if I were you I would definitely be making a big fuss of how pleased you are with the things she has made you because it is the thought that counts and she has clearly put in a lot of thought and effort.

She is. She's the best. Genuinely lovely kid who makes me very happy. Just the right amount of lovely mixed with a touch of sass and grit

I think you’re right to be really annoyed OP. He shouldn’t think ‘forgetting’ you at Christmas is an option. It’s fine if couples agree to buy no gifts and it’s a mutual thing but it’s not fine when one person gets nothing while everybody else gets nice presents. The fact that he’s bought presents for his sisters and not you is even more rubbish.

I find it quite baffling how some people basically tell you to buy your own gift or not expect anything. My DH and I both enjoy getting each other presents. We don’t spend a lot but it’s nice to pick out treats for the other person. Not all men are terrible at gift giving as some seem to think.

I appreciate your problem with your husband and I think you're right in your actions.
Did your DH actually apologise?

But unless I've missed it, what do your older two children do? Do they buy you something? Could they not do something for you with their sister?

I genuinely think that gift-giving can be quite hard for men. I have/had a household of 5 of them!!

FFS, i presume that if one of these 5 is your DH the rest are your sons - i hope you aren't bringing them up to be useless fuckers of partners in the future.

How is gift giving difficult for men? Does their penis get in the way of their big manly hands when they're shopping? I read some tosh on here but this is among the worst of it.

"'He's all in a fluster-panic. He is trying to be extra nice and make me coffees etc. Problem is that this happens everytime there is a celebratory event. AFTER he has once again failed to even try to make me feel appreciated, he faffs about trying to make good. I'm sick of it'"

Well the important points in there is the EVERY TIME and AFTER. It bespeaks of your weariness that once again he has demonstrated his lack of respect for you. I do hope you are making clear to him that all this post-fuckup-faux-niceness of his isn't working, will not work, cannot work because the damage is done, the hurt is caused and this is all his fault.

I also hope that all the posters on here saying 'you just need to sit him down and tell him' pick up on the fact that you have already done this - multiple times. And it has made no difference. I read the advice here that "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got". You have always soldiered on making things nice for everyone else, and this disrespect is what you have always got . So, to hell with soldiering on, to hell with being disrespected, and to hell with your husband and two eldest children. Stop doing stuff for them, and start getting something different from what you've always got.

@Arrivederla

Have you told him how you feel op? If not you must - don't just sit around all Christmas being passive-aggressive about it.

She has told him, if you read all OPs posts this is made clear. She has told him many times, yet still this keeps happening.

Also from OP's posts, if she were passive aggressive to him, as his sisters are, she'd have been bought a present.

On re-reading your post, the thing that worries me the most is not the lack of gifts to you, but the extreme pressure that either your family or you yourself are placing on you. I make Christmas all magical and lovely for everyone. Well, you shouldn't have to! Making Christmas an enjoyable experience, yes; and the whole should be doing that; but it is not your duty to make it 'magical', especially if there are no young children involved. If people find Christmas magical, they will; if they don't, it's not your job to place yourself under enormous stress to make them do so. Christmas should be a holiday, not an exam or massive chore, or THE way of proving people's love. I think it's lovely that DD is making things for you; hand-made gifts within a family are great. I would avoid having a massive quarrel about it with DH or sulking all over Christmas, not because DH necessarily doesn't deserve it, but because it may be very distressing for DD, who may feel either that she is somehow to blame, or that her dad has left her out of something important (he has), or both. As far as the older kids are concerned, it sounds as though they may not be 'pushing the boat out' but are giving the OP what she wants and asks for. I think that the lesson for the future may be that, now that everyone is at least a teenager, OP should scale down her attempts to make things 'magical'. That doesn't mean cancel Christmas, bah humbug; but that it should be treated as something for enjoyment, not stress or martyrdom. If other family members want it to be magical, let them create the magic!

That’s really shit

In the current world where you can buy pretty much anything to be delivered in a day or two there is ZERO excuse to not get a gift.

‘Forgetting’ is bollocks. As is being too busy. Not acceptable excuses.

I genuinely think that gift-giving can be quite hard for men. I have/had a household of 5 of them!!

While men on average probably do find it harder than most women, I don't think it's just a gender issue. Some men are very good at it; some women are not.

This is really sad. But my fear is I’m a bit like your DH. I can’t be doing with material stuff. 99% of it seems crap. It’s a massive effort to present buy, I take absolutely no joy from it. It’s probably one of the most stressful things in my life (and I suffer from ptsd for context) I hate hate shopping thank fuck for Amazon tbh. I keep thinking I really must get something then bang it’s Christmas week.I’m really really not fussed about presents. My DH on the other hand sounds a little like you. Shopping since October, lots of little bits, Christmas jumper, Christmas music. Every year I fear like shit -I usually compensate by just spending lots of cash on fuck knows what, I struggle to buy anything, because I can’t see the point in most of the things for sale. My presents end up utilitarian.

But I love my DH to bits, I’d be devastated if he judged me on my shit present buying. You’ve explained how you feel. He’s probably dying inside. What about you suggest a voucher going forward? Or just no presents? Tbh if it was that important I’d have a word with your older kids to help your teen with presents