The forgotten Mum

[damnthatanxiety]

I feel so down. Married for nearly 30 years to a good man who I love and who I know loves me. But I feel completely taken for granted and at the bottom of the priority list. He hasn't got me anything for Christmas. He panics at gift buying. TBF he has bought be phenomenal gifts in the past but in recent years, he has relied on me buying something for myself and him wrapping it up for Christmas/birthday. Anniversary and valentines have gone by the wayside. I always speak with the DC (2 are young adults living with us. 1 is a teen) to make sure they have something for their dad, write a nice card etc. I make Christmas all magical and lovely fir everyone. The older two are ok. One better than the other but they at least write lovely genuinely heartfelt cards. I don't want them spending lots on me. Just show their love and appreciation. The younger one loves to do all this but has to rely on a parent to help with the logistics of going to buy stuff (transport etc). I always make sure to do this with her for DH. I always wanted them to grow up feeling that it was important to show gratitude and love at times of celebration. I found out last night that DH has 'forgotten' to do anything for me this Christmas. He's been super busy I know but he has literally forgotten to do anything. Youngest one was all concerned that she hasn't got me anything as her dad hasn't taken her to the shops (she can't get their alone). And now they are all shut. He looked horrified and said he had 'forgotten'. Forgotten me. Forgotten that I am a person to treat. Forgotten to prioritise me. Forgotten that I count at Christmas too.
I slept in the sofa last night and this morning have told him that I'm done with Christmas. That he has done a shit job of parenting the DC to prioritise me ever and that Christmas is done as far as I'm concerned. Presents are wrapped. House looks pretty. Food has been bought. It's all on him now. I'm done. I'm done with making it all nice for everyone and now feeling forgotten and unimportant.

Reading this, I feel so upset & angry on your behalf! Your husband is a thoughtless, selfish twat!! Your teen sounds lovely but your adult kids need a kick up the arse too - why couldn't they make more effort for you &/or help their sister? Although ultimately it's your husband who's at fault.

You are 100% right in going on strike - why us it down to you to do absolutely everything & cover up your hurt & make sure everyone else has a lovely time?? No!
Tell your husband & your children exactly how this has made you feel - it's so unfair. Then sit back & let your idiot husband & adult kids get on with it - do NOTHING!

XXX

@choirmumoftwo

My DC 'forgot' my birthday last month. Or rather one forgot and one decided to do nothing. Both young adults away at university. I was (and still am) really hurt by their thoughtlessness and even more so that DH didn't remind them. Feeling taken for granted is horrible.

This is absolutely dreadful. Not even a card or online flowers?

OP I’m so sorry. Put yourself first tomorrow. .

He didn't forget, he couldn't be bothered. He got presents for his sisters.
You are right to be hurt and upset and to communicate this.

I wouldn't lift a finger tomorrow OP, and I'd "forget" to do an awful lot of things for him in the coming year. Let him see what it feels like. Direct it at him though not your youngest.

It’s amazing isn’t it that Christmas creeps up on you unawares. That it’s never on the same date or something.

It’s heart-breaking that the OP’s husband “forgot”. He didn’t forget, he just couldn’t be arsed. Couldn’t be arsed because he didn’t care enough to rouse himself to do the absolute bare minimum. Such heartless disrespect!

I’d be having a really, really hard think about the relationship as a whole.

Whilst I don't disagree with you op and the forgetting you is rubbish, why are you trying to make Christmas magical for a load of adults and a teen? You are harking back to previous years but they have moved on. I asked dh and ds 25 what they really wanted for Christmas and if it could ever be magical. They said no of course it couldn't be! What they want is nice food, not stodge, certain presents but not any joke presents or landfill. They want to celebrate with friends (not happening) and to vegitate in the time off work. Coloured lights, bread sauce, gift wrap, a tidy house, cards etc all completely wasted on them. But I still do them and expect to be thanked. Definition of madness isnt it?

Maybe he'll have gotten the point now, but if you haven't spelled it all out for him in simple terms, I'd do that sometime between Christmas and NY. Tell him exactly how you're feeling and why. Tell him what you need to feel valued. Talk about it, even if it is uncomfortable. Lazy habits die hard, and it's unlikely anything will improve without crystal-clear communication of expectations. Maybe he should already know these things, but it's better to tell him how you feel he should behave than wait forever for him to miraculously become thoughtful on his own.

It sucks. You really need to put your foot down. I put up with this sort of thing for a bit, but had a meltdown when one year I was bought a small box of Lidl chocolates when I'd spent a lot of time and money on DH's presents. And then he had the cheek to ask me what I'd hit for his sister - a woman I wouldn't piss on if she was on fire! I now put things on a Christmas wish list, so at least he has a clue what to get, but I made it crystal clear that he needed to up his game.
I have a friend whose husband is the most wonderful gift giver. Thoughtful, beautifully wrapped presents. I didn't realise how envious I was of that until DH got so crap with presents, and I'm not materialistic, like PPs have said, it's the thought, not the money.

You are right to be pissed off with your lazy, complacent DH, he was overdue a rant.

However I think you are myopic about your sons. Heartfelt words in a card are nice, but they aren’t as nice as going to the effort of choosing and wrapping a gift, and the bearing the opportunity cost of spending money on you that they could otherwise spend on themselves. Why are you letting them off so easily? You (collectively) have brought up sons in the mirror image of their dad. Complacent about good old mum.

I have adult children, although only one with adult capacity, and in your shoes I wouldn’t adopt your “I’m doing nothing” this Christmas approach, not because it’s unreasonable, but because you risk cutting off your nose to spite your face.
I think a pre-Christmas dinner table rant at the whole family, with special treatment for DH would have been better, concluding with changes you want to see in the future, but I’d try to enjoy Christmas thereafter. Request people chip to help in a none passive aggressive way, but don’t be a ball of wounded resentment at the feast.

We all hate guilt, it sits heavy and is corrosive and your children will soon be of an age when they might decide that Christmas at their boyfriend’s/ girlfriend’s house is more relaxed and fun.
A previous poster had the awful experience of finding that her own son bought a present for his girlfriend’s mum despite never bothering with her. It shows he didn’t bother not because he was incapable, but because he didn’t prioritise her or think about her happiness. When he met someone with a different family culture and he wanted to ingratiate himself, it still didn’t trigger a thought for his own mother.

If we don’t value ourselves, others often follow our lead. Be more real with your children now they are growing up. You will always be their Mum but let them see you as an individual with interests, passions, opinions, standards and personal needs. I think going on strike at Christmas will hurt you more than them. Pitch in together, if they aren’t used to it, you will just have to ask.

I would try and make sure that the kids are not aware of how cross you are

Why? They are adults who have also treated her badly. Why should she have to paste on a little mummy smile and pretend it's ok?

This approach is why women find it so hard to stand up for themselves. Society just wants them to shut up and take it, and other WOMEN emotionally blackmail them with "think of the (really fucking selfish) chiiiiildren."

They need to learn. They need to see consequences. They need to treat their mother properly. Tough shit if that means Christmas isn't perfect for them, why should the OP suck up even more shit for others?

'I forgot' is the excuse used by many of the 8 year old children in my class if they do something they shouldn't have or have been particularly thoughtless.

It doesn't mean 'I forgot.' Forgetting has nothing to do with it. It means 'I made a wrong choice and I can't think of a reasonable excuse for why I was so thoughtless quickly enough.'

Pathetic. I'm so sorry OP. You sound lovely and deserve to be treated with love, thought and kindness.

(And I don't buy the whole men don't think about Christmas the same way thing. My DH is just as determined as I am to make it lovely for his family. Even more so this year since we lost FIL in Jan and I have bloody COVID this year!!)

What a knob! Completely unacceptable OP I’m so sorry. How do you forget to buy your wife a Christmas present? It’s not like it’s a birthday where that could slip someone’s mind. Christmas is everywhere. I imagine you have a tree up and have been discussing everyone else’s presents so not sure how he’d somehow forget to get you one?

That’s totally shit. Spend your Christmas scoffing lovely food and chocolates and don’t lift a finger more.

No wonder you are feeling miserable you need to out your foot down show them you are a person not just Mum.

Utter hogwash to say it's the OPs choice to prep for Christmas. If you have DC and don't order early, you risk things being out of stock. Especially this year.

I also can't believe that some posters consider it a 'win' if they choose their own present and direct their DH to but it. How is this showing and thought or appreciation?

OP, I would make Christmas dinner for your dd's sake and try to have a nice day for her. But DH would have it made clear that if he doesn't buck up, the relationship is in trouble

@Bitcherama

I would be very angry. You're not sulking. And FFS at the posters saying to just take a couple of days off to relax...he gets those days off EVERY FUCKING DAY. The sexism and determination to keep women as slaves on this thread is pathetic. God forbid a woman show anger when she is treated like shit. No, it's her fault for not "sitting down for a chat" and giving everyone clear instructions.

Fuck sitting down for a chat. Fuck sticking on a game face and chatting after Christmas. Value yourself. Don't feel guilty for your anger and don't be afraid to make it plain.

This x 100%

OP, I feel for you and understand fully where you are coming from.

Some women set such a low bar for men that they cannot see how wrong your DH is. Or else they have no reading comprehension.

Take this time for you OP. We only get out of life what we expect. You deserve more.

Can I recommend a Youtube video to you from a man who was a coach to many top business people - it is Earl Nightingale, The Winner's Attitude,

Listen to it and plan to make it your way of life for January and see how you can change your life, by changing you. Good luck OP.

DH is the same. I can't count how many birthdays and christmasses that I've gone to bed feeling flat and disappointed, especially when I always make an effort for his to be special.

He now gets what he gives in terms of effort and attention. Which is sad really, but he set the bar.

OP, I would make Christmas dinner for your dd's sake But why? Why should she do it???

There are 3 other adults in the house, why don't they get off their fucking backside and do it?? And what if the DD isn't that into Xmas dinner anyway and would much prefer something else McDonalds ?

And I don't get people saying the OP is sulking - why is not cooking Xmas dinner sulking? I'm very definitely not sulking when I don't cook it every year, in fact I have a great day, it's lovely. Has her DH/DCs been sulking every other year when they haven't done it?

There's definitely a mentality from some posters on here that the woman of the family has to put on a lovely, magical Xmas or it will be ruined for everyone - but that's exactly the mentality that the OP has realised she needs to move away from.

We don't bother with Xmas. My kids are grown up and doing their own thing. My hubby buys me bits throughout the year. So much emphasis is put into Xmas, it's ridiculous. And if it's all got to be about who buys you what, then it's a tad silly. Xmas is for kids. I never wanted my boys to buy me anything, we made it special for them when they were home. My hubby isn't good in birthdays etc but he buys me flowers on shopping day from Aldi for a cheap price and they mean the world. He gets other bits but why wait till Xmas. Unless you are religious it's all hypocrisy anyway!! Don't ruin it for your youngest.

How low can we set the bar for men? It is almost lying on the floor and some people seem to want to set it lower by thinking the OP should do more.

Why should the OP accept an afterthought gift? Why should the OP still be trying to make it a good Christmas? Why should the OP be at the bottom of everyone's list? Why should the OP be making any further effort?

It is time for DAD to step up.

I am fully with you OP. None of this is your fault. I don't think it is unreasonable in any way to want to be shown that you are appreciated and loved.

I really hope he makes good for you. The only thing I would change is you need to get the bed and not the sofa.

I’m sorry you’re upset, my guess is all the focus is on the gift and DD because that is the only tiny area he has any responsibility for, it’s the only thing he does at Christmas that shows any effort because you do everything else. So it has been magnified in its importance.
It wouldn’t matter if he was (just as examples) putting up decorations or helping clean or getting the food or prepping the food or just generally sharing the burden and being a proper teammate with you but you are doing all that yourself so the tiny job of getting you something (anything really as long as it shows he thought of you as the recipient) and wrapping it and ensuring that he helps DD to the shops (while spending a bit of time with her in the process) are the things that has been magnified in importance! The fact he can’t even be arsed to do that shows you he couldn’t actually give a shit about the inevitable and obvious result of your feelings being hurt at his lack of thought for you.

To be honest I think arguing about the rights and wrongs on the thread are irrelevant as the fact is wether anyone on here agrees with you the situation has upset you and this thread was (I think) to share that to get it out and dissipate it so you could stop it turning into a massive Christmas ruining event.

What was his reaction when you lost it with him? What’s happened since has he gone in the huff or is he trying to make up with you?
I’m asking because those are the things you could actually use advice about as what’s happened already has and no amount of us dissecting will change it.

Well that is totally crap OP. I feel for you.
Only thing I can say is that you do need to let him make amends, otherwise how do you move on ? He could get you a big fat voucher for somewhere lovely. He can’t take you out anywhere due to Covid, so that is probably the only thing to be done now, unless he gets you some things online that will arrive in a few days.
But if he doesn’t step up on your birthday, then you have a bigger problem.

Surely you can all have a lovely peaceful Christmas, without all the issues about not getting presents. It doesn't mean that people don't care about you, this in nonsense. You are not being sidelined at all. I think that some people, mainly women folk, have the very same issues as you, but don't make a fuss about everything.

Personally I would go for a massive ruining Christmas event. Not me that ruined it. Fuck keeping quiet. Why should the op be made to feel like utter shite but also needing to accept the responsibility of “saving Christmas” for everyone else.
It’s the DH that needs to step up and save Christmas for everyone now. You’re done.

@1forAll74

Surely you can all have a lovely peaceful Christmas, without all the issues about not getting presents. It doesn't mean that people don't care about you, this in nonsense. You are not being sidelined at all. I think that some people, mainly women folk, have the very same issues as you, but don't make a fuss about everything.

WTF?

@1forAll74

Surely you can all have a lovely peaceful Christmas, without all the issues about not getting presents. It doesn't mean that people don't care about you, this in nonsense. You are not being sidelined at all. I think that some people, mainly women folk, have the very same issues as you, but don't make a fuss about everything.

What, exactly, has the OP's husband done to show he does care about her? He hasn't done a thing as far as I can tell.

You're another one thinking that women should just shut up and accept shit treatment. Fuck that!

Does your dh never prioritize you, or is he just not good about special occasions? I actually disagree (just for myself) on the importance of 'feeling that it was important to show gratitude and love at times of celebration'. To me, it's important that family and good friends show gratitude (when called for) and love all the year round; whether they do so specifically on special occasions is way down on my priority list. So if your dh always takes you for granted, and never tries to help you, thank you, or demonstrate affection for you, that's a very serious problem. If it's just not doing much for the 'special days', I wouldn't be that upset, though I would probably start scaling down what I did for him on such occasions. I would also add that the pandemic is perhaps creating unusual conflict about Christmas and other special occasions. For some people, these are mainly social occasions, and become rather pointless if gatherings are forbidden or seriously restricted. For others, they are occasions for demonstrating family love, and become even more important at times of isolation. it may be that your dh is in the first category and you in the second, and this creates upsets and hurt feelings. On the other hand, he may just be a selfish bastard!