Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not find it unusual that my children still live with me

296 replies

Tellmelies65 · 23/12/2020 23:07

My children are 23 and 25 and both still live at home. When I’m asked how old they are.people often remark that they are quite old to be living at home still. They pay rent and do household chores. I would have thought most young adults are better off living at home.

OP posts:
StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads · 24/12/2020 01:16

In 2020 I would say this is quite normal.

As long as they aren't spoilt little shits who still act like children, and you are happy to have them, then I can't see any issue.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 24/12/2020 01:20

This is what crippling housing costs have done to younger generations. It’s bonkers that we pretended not to see it coming, but just keep blaming it on young people not being mature enough to leave home.

TableFlowerss · 24/12/2020 01:20

@ToniTheDonkey

A friend of mine turned 50 this year and still lives with his mother. He has always lived there, it’s not that he left home and then went back. He’s not a mummy’s boy though. His dad died a long tine ago and my friend doesn’t want to see his elderly mother on her own. Luckily they get on well and he goes his fair share around the house and in the garden. I find it hard to relate to as I got thrown out at 20, but it works for them. The downside is that he has never had a proper girlfriend, and I imagine that him still living with his mum at the age of 50 is a big part of that. He’s a lovely, lovely guy and it’s definitely not the personality that is putting off potential suitors.
Really his mother should be encouraging him to move out for his sake. If you ask me she’s been selfish by facilitating it. I’m sure she does like the company and again selfishly won’t be in a hurry to tell him to leave. Clearly he should have more than enough for a descent deposit!

You’re right, it would be off putting to say the least to find a man still lives at hone at 50 and has never moved out. I’m sure he is lovely and peoples like it when partners are close with their mums, but that’s enough to put lots of women off. They’d feel they can’t compete with his mother.

Sad really as he’s probably going to end up alone when his mother dies....

user1471453601 · 24/12/2020 01:22

My DD is 50. She moved out to go to university aged 18. She came back, with her long term partner, 10 years ago.

It suits us. I'm now 70, she and partner do all the shopping, maintenance and cooking. It works for us. No body else's business. I have my meals made, i don't have to worry about whose going to unblock the sink etc. They pay their way, and we each have our separate domains (living rooms and bedrooms).

So all in all, I think we are all getting a good deal out of it..

happystone · 24/12/2020 01:26

I should think this is the normal.

Strictlysilly · 24/12/2020 01:34

It seems like a good opportunity to save. I left home at 18. Saved hard while renting and bought own house at 23. It is possible but very much depends on what area you live in, no way could I have afforded in the majority of the UK.

Nana12 · 24/12/2020 01:52

Actually it wasn’t ever unusual. I’m in my 60, s and my parents lived with my grandparents until I was a year old whilst they saved for a deposit on a house. Easier then than now to get a house but it was only in the 1980,s that small deposits were needed.

HoppingPavlova · 24/12/2020 02:05

Not at all odd where I am. Cost of housing is insane and uni students generally don’t receive any payments if their parents have income (you are expected to support them). So the option is to have your young adults live at home while going through uni, then trying to enter a really tough job market or pay out of your own pocket for their rent and bills as any casual job will only cover clothes, transport etc. Then once they do graduate and get a job it’s a choice of paying high rent and no capacity to save for a deposit or continue at home and try and save in the hope you meet someone and can combine with them for a deposit! So the majority of young adults live at home.

HoppingPavlova · 24/12/2020 02:09

Should add it’s all very different to when I was young. Uni was free, so didn’t graduate with a massive debt. Govnt paid you to go to uni (equivalent of unemployment payment if I remember correctly). Life was cheap, rent was super cheap especially as we lived in student digs that wouldn’t pass renting compliance standards today. Once you graduated there were more jobs than graduates so you just took your pick. Housing was cheap so easy to get a deposit together if renting for a couple of years.

It’s so different now. I feel so sorry for young people of today, they are hamstrung every which way.

miserableannie · 24/12/2020 02:17

I think they need to get off their arses and tie the apron strings.

miserableannie · 24/12/2020 02:17

*untie.

RosePetalss · 24/12/2020 02:50

I would say it’s normal now days. Relative still has 2 out of 3 of her children living at home one is 27 and the other 26, can not see them moving out anytime soon.

sneakysnoopysniper · 24/12/2020 03:21

Back in the 1950s and 1960s when I was a young woman, my parents held the view that an unmarried child living at home was a "paying guest" who tipped up money for their keep. I was paid by bank transfer and used an accommodation address for all my mail, so my parents had no idea how much I earned. My mother used to check my drawers to see how much money I had, and my wardrobe to see if I had bought any new clothes. As a result i kept money and clothes in my grandmothers house, as well as a selection of clothes in work.

When I was 22 my sister had just given birth to a child (single mum) and she and I and the baby were sharing a bedroom. Needless to say I was desperate to get my own place and had been waiting 4 months for a new build flat to be completed. My family knew nothing of the plan because I knew it would cause contention. However in purely social terms my life had begun to diverge from that of my family, in terms of work, tastes and habits.

One evening my mother said "Starting next month you will have to tip up more money because we have all these expenses with the baby coming." Did she really think I was working to keep my sisters illegimate child? Instead I announced that on XX date I was moving into my new flat and so they would no longer have any financial contribution from me. By the same token they would no longer have to provide me with "room and board".

Shock all around. "Well how are we going to manage? We cant manage on one man's wage?" Fortunately that was no longer my concern.

I think I would have preferred to starve rather than move back in with my parents.

MangoSeason · 24/12/2020 03:33

I did conveyancing for years and 99/100 of my first home buyers had moved out of home when they first bought a house. First home buyers who went from their parent’s home to their own home were vanishingly rare. I simply do not believe people who say they are living at home to save a deposit Might be true very occasionally, but on the whole it’s a socially acceptable excuse for failure to launch.

It’s stunting and unhealthy. Everyone being happy with the living arrangements doesn’t change this.

mathanxiety · 24/12/2020 03:50

I sort of feel that if you haven't formed a solid and achievable plan and a deadline to move out by age 25 then you might need some help getting your life together. I agree that parents can welcome adult children back any time - I'm all for helping out during hard times - but there is a danger of everyone involved becoming too dependent on one another if it goes on too long.

vodkaredbullgirl · 24/12/2020 03:56

I still have my 2 at home 21 and 23. The 23 year old went to university then came home again.

Holliej · 24/12/2020 03:58

Totally common these days. I moved out at 23. My little bro is 27 and has only just got a house deposit together/his business established and will be looking from January/February covid depending. I also have close friends in there early 30s who have only just managed to save enough to get on the property market. I wouldn’t bat an eye personally up to around 35. They are paying there way and helping out so I would just ignore the comments. X

SRYnegative · 24/12/2020 04:13

There's an argument that this is more of a green way to live. If my 23 yo daughter wasn't living with me, saving a deposit, doing a masters, then a bedroom would go to waste, as i don't feel able to have a lodger that's not a close friend or relative. I also see it as keeping money in the family, rather than giving it to a rogue landlord to pay his mortgage. Whether she gives me rent or not, it doesn't matter, shell get my savings one day! This approach is normal for some cultures so it can't be that bad.

sortmylifeoutplease · 24/12/2020 04:13

Seems fine to me

amitoooldforthisshit · 24/12/2020 04:16

some may see it as strange, when I turned 18 my parents couldn't boot me out of the house quick enough, they gave hints in the months leading up to my birthday but I didn't read too much into them, had to sofa surf for a bit

SRYnegative · 24/12/2020 04:21

@MangoSeason

I did conveyancing for years and 99/100 of my first home buyers had moved out of home when they first bought a house. First home buyers who went from their parent’s home to their own home were vanishingly rare. I simply do not believe people who say they are living at home to save a deposit Might be true very occasionally, but on the whole it’s a socially acceptable excuse for failure to launch.

It’s stunting and unhealthy. Everyone being happy with the living arrangements doesn’t change this.

When was that Mango?

Failure to launch Grin !

My daughter very successfully lived away for 4 years in London doing a BSc, we both became aware that the huge rent she had to pay would be a stumbling block for home ownership. Money down the drain, renting. Maybe you worked at one of those posh estate agencies where mummy and daddy paid their offsprings' deposits?

TheFairyCaravan · 24/12/2020 04:22

I think it’s quite normal

DS1 26 is in the army. This is is home, but as you can imagine he’s not here that often. He does have a house deposit saved because he’s very fortunate to be paying a nominal rent on his room in barracks and is earning good money so has a lot of disposable income.

DS2 24 went to uni and never came back. He lived in a house share for a year after he qualified as a nurse, then moved in with his girlfriends parents (rent free) so they could save for a house. They’ve just bought a doer upper so will be with them until the late Spring/early Summer I reckon.

SRYnegative · 24/12/2020 04:23

Sorry, on rereading I can see you were a solicitor, not an estate agent, but still...

PattyPan · 24/12/2020 09:43

I’m 25 and there’s definitely a divide in the people I know - my friends who went to uni generally either own their own homes or live in flatshares, whereas more of the friends who didn’t go to uni still live at home. I moved home for the summer after I finished university, rented a flat for a while and then bought my house (in the south east!) when I was 24. After the freedom of university I wouldn’t want to be living at home long term!

Whammyyammy · 24/12/2020 09:56

My 21 year old son moved out at 18 when he committed into the RAF, but my 23 daughter still lives at home.
People have asked when am I going to ask her to start looking for her own place? I'm not.
She has a good job, savings, nice car, good social life, regular holidays in the sun, a horse.... and she's very helpful round the house.
Shes living a very good life, if she moved out she wouldn't have as much. She can move out when she's ready. Life is for living