To not find it unusual that my children still live with me

[Tellmelies65]

My children are 23 and 25 and both still live at home. When I’m asked how old they are.people often remark that they are quite old to be living at home still. They pay rent and do household chores. I would have thought most young adults are better off living at home.

I dont think its unusual for 20 somethings to be living at home , especially if students or saving for a deposit. My neighbour on the other hand has her three 30 something children living with her. All work full time so not because of lack of jobs. Smallish 3 bed semi so I'm assuming the 2 male children still share a bedroom!! It's been like this for years. I find that situation weird !!

Isn't 27 the average age to leave home now in the uk?

@Sinful8

Isn't 27 the average age to leave home now in the uk?

No, government statistics say the average age is 23.

I wouldn't force my DS out but I would really encourage him to move out and become more independent after leaving Uni, I do think it's good for young people to learn to live independently - it's not the same as living at home and 'doing a few chores'. I have friends who still have D.C. in their early 20s and in some cases it can be a co-dependent relationship on both sides - not always of course but you do see it even on here when adults can't break away from their family even when married and with children of their own. I don't mean normal 'happy' family relationships, I'm talking about men who would rather spend Christmas Day with their mum than their wife.

And also, many men just go from being looked after by mum to moving in with a girlfriend ..... . I am so glad that when I got married both my DH and I had lived independently and knew about household chores, budgeting, paying bills etc.

As a mother to an only DS I am very aware that I don't want him to have too much of an 'easy lifestyle' by living at home in his 20s.

The cost of living as a single person especially in London and surrounding areas is astronomical. Anyone who is judging someone for living at home in those circumstances needs to grow up themselves. I agree there are a lot of judgemental people on this thread.

I also agree that it shouldn't be deemed 'success' that you managed to find a relationship and so were able to move out when young.

@TrinidadQueen OP is still very vague. I’m not sure what she wanted to gain from this thread. Circumstances are important but you can’t live at home forever. Charging each child £400 in rent seems a lot if they want to save to move out and get their own house/flat.

@Ragwort I don’t think I’ll force my DS out in his early twenties so as not to have an easy life as such, but rather I think it’s about making sure they have a plan to leave and aren’t taking the piss if they are still at home and take on some adult responsibilities.

As DS is also an only child, I hope that we are in a position to help him financially when the time comes to leave home so that he is able to do it sooner than I did.

My parents helped me by allowing me me to live at home for £100 a month and save up to buy. I don’t know how they did it to be fair, I have 2 siblings and we all left home in mid-late twenties and my DB’s partner lived there for a time too. Sounds horrendous now as an adult/parent to be living with all of my grown up children for so long! So my approach is to help DS leave instead with cash.

My parents didn’t have that option but I now fully appreciate how much they sacrificed by letting us all stay until we were able to buy.

I also agree that it shouldn't be deemed 'success' that you managed to find a relationship and so were able to move out when young.

that is literally the opposite of "independence"!

I don’t think anyone is saying that success = findings a relationship are they?

I agree that it’s not financial independence to move out of parents to live with a partner you’re financially reliant on. There’s no difference imo. Why some people see the latter as superior I have no idea.

No one else's business, why do other people care? It's hurting no one.

Surely it's no one's business but yours.

DS(22) is still at home, he works FT, and is saving up for a deposit, but still is expected to pay housekeeping £200pm.

We're in the south east and cheapest rent for a studio/1 bed flat are around the £900 mark. And then bills on top. We have told DS he can stay as long as he likes.

DD (26) is in her final year of med school. She's hoping she'll be able to do her foundation years at a hospital within commutable distance from home. Again so she can save for a deposit.

This was at her suggestion - not ours in fact we had concerns about it as obviously it's been a few years since she's lived at home. Had a big family discussion about expectations etc, and once sorted she made her deanery choices.

I left home at 18, rented a room and then bought my flat at 23. Those days are long gone

As someone else said, most who are able to move out especially in London and nearby areas, all did so with a partner. I don't see how that should be seen as different as in they are still needing financial support etc and would have to move back home if the relationship failed. That is hardly independence.
Off the top of my head I know a

1. 40 year old woman living with her stepdad.
2. A 37 year old woman living with parents and younger sister

3.A 51 year old woman living with elderly parents

1. Most of the single 20-30 year old that I know are at home and if they have moved out it's because they have a partner/moved away to uni but will be planning to come back to the family home after they graduate.

It will only become more common and if everyone involved is OK with it then it is nobody else's business.

For me personally it's odd and I don't want it - but that's a cultural thing. I have a tiny house and I want my son to live elsewhere as an adult. But if everyone's happy, no issue.

The cost of living as a single person especially in London and surrounding areas is astronomical. Anyone who is judging someone for living at home in those circumstances needs to grow up themselves

Exactly. Some people must truly live in a bubble of unawareness. Looking for silly ways in which to feel superior to others. If parents and children are fine with it then the person sticking their nose in has issues.

I left home at 24 moved into a flat under the Sons & Daughters rehousing scheme in the 1980s. Eventually bought flat. Then sold it and bought a house on the other side of London. & I did all of that solo.

There's absolutely no way my DCs could have that opportunity especially in London and I'm happy for them to be here, at home. They're grown, with their own working and social lives we're not under each other's feet. This is our family home. They won't be buying in London due to ridiculous prices so I'm enjoying their last 1 or 2 years home with me.

I can't see any one-upmanship or achievement gained in pushing your own children out into very expensive, often sub-standard private rented. Or preening that you're "better than" because your DC left home early albeit often as pp's have said, they've managed to do it because they're moving in with someone. So it's interdependence, not independence.

MN is so strange sometimes in this strive for 'Im better than you' mode. In real life I've never had a comment about my aged 20s DC living at home, I know others in same boat have never even thought to comment on it either.

Oh I get this usually from people with no children! DS is at home and saving. I would have liked him to have his own home but I'm happy he is here. It is no one else's business

@CorianderQueen

Find it funny that people are saying 'decent graduate salary of £30k+'

That's highly unusual outside of finance/STEM.

I was on £17k in 2017 and most of my friends were between £22k and £25k.

£30k is only slightly higher than the average according to this. I started on £35k in 2018 and that’s public sector!

In real life I've never had a comment about my aged 20s DC living at home

There's plenty of things I wouldn't say to someone in real life, but I still think and would say on here if I thought it was weird. Grown adults living with their parents for years on end is one of those.

There's plenty of things I wouldn't say to someone in real life, but I still think and would say on here if I thought it was weird. Grown adults living with their parents for years on end is one of those

Great for you.

20s living at home has never been unusual and it's weird to comment on it as if they're 40 or some such🙄

Society is geared up to shaft young people when it comes to housing, amongst other things. Far too many selfish elders, too. If you'd encourage your own offspring into private rented accommodation so they can't afford to save to buy their own then that amounts to no money sense really.

Partly a cultural thing, maybe. In some aspects. In mine DCs save, and are also given a start at point of leaving. It works well enough.

We don't come into forums and style for other people as if offspring are a burden or enemy to be jettisoned when they reach 18.

@vickyp0llard

In real life I've never had a comment about my aged 20s DC living at home

There's plenty of things I wouldn't say to someone in real life, but I still think and would say on here if I thought it was weird. Grown adults living with their parents for years on end is one of those.

Yes. For me though it’s less the fact of adult children living at home for years and years, it’s the fact that people think that moving home to live with your parents, therefore curtailing your independent life, where you find work, and indefinitely prolonging adolescence, is some kind of natural consequence of the necessity of ‘getting on the property ladder’.

As is evident from half the posts in Relationships, ridiculous situations then ensue, like these adult children moving in their boyfriends or girlfriends with their parents for years at a time, and having children there, and unsurprisingly there are tensions. Invariably on those threads, someone will point out that the MIL whose interference is being complained about has allowed the OP, her partner and a baby to live with her rent-free for months if not years at a time, to which the OP retorts ‘But it’s to save for a deposit!’ as if it’s as natural as daylight.

@djouce I do think that parents who come out with this stuff are getting duped half the time - the kids say "I can't save for a deposit if I rent" and that's just not true, the numbers don't stack up. I know because I'm mid 20s and have managed to save a deposit on 25-35k jobs, while renting a flat, and have friends on higher salaries who have saved nothing - of course they blame the rent prices, not their own reckless spending and constantly going out for dinner/drinks.

I saw someone on MN comment how hard it is for the youth to save - and her son is 30, a teacher, and has only saved 10k since graduating. I hate to break it to you but if your real goal was to save while living with parents, you should be saving that per year, especially on a teacher's salary. Half the time these peoples real goal is to avoid responsibility and being a real adult, and get mum to do their washing and pay their car insurance as long as possible.

I can’t disagree with a lot of that @vickyp0llard — DH and I lived in a series of grotty houseshares when we moved to London, and one grim squat on Kilburn High Road. Friends did property guardianship when it was cheaper, lived on a houseboat, or had arrangements where they traded work/ companionship/ shopping for an elderly or disabled person for accommodation.

You just have to read the threads of people complaining of never be able to buy a property ever, of never being able to save enough for a real deposit to see how "easy" it is to save and pay rent.

I pity the so-called young people in their 20s if they have so little of a life than staying with their parents is an issue. I was NEVER at home when I started my first job mid to late 20s . That might explain the nasty judgement, realising how much they've missed out.

If my kids decide to go for a job commutable from our house, and they want to come back for a couple of years, they'll be welcome. As long as they have a decent job and behave like adults, why on earth would we kick them out? It's not like we can afford to pay their deposit on top of their cars/uni/weddings.. or expect them to start on a 6 figure salary.
When you are a parent, you help.

@heseesyouwhenyouaresleeping

You just have to read the threads of people complaining of never be able to buy a property ever, of never being able to save enough for a real deposit to see how "easy" it is to save and pay rent.

I pity the so-called young people in their 20s if they have so little of a life than staying with their parents is an issue. I was NEVER at home when I started my first job mid to late 20s . That might explain the nasty judgement, realising how much they've missed out.

If my kids decide to go for a job commutable from our house, and they want to come back for a couple of years, they'll be welcome. As long as they have a decent job and behave like adults, why on earth would we kick them out? It's not like we can afford to pay their deposit on top of their cars/uni/weddings.. or expect them to start on a 6 figure salary.
When you are a parent, you help.

See, I find it quite alien that you are talking in terms of paying for your children’s cars, university fees or weddings.

See, I find it quite alien that you are talking in terms of paying for your children’s cars, university fees or weddings.

why? If we can afford to help them out, why should we not? The harder the kids work and succeed, , the more help they deserve as far as I am concerned.