To not find it unusual that my children still live with me

[Tellmelies65]

My children are 23 and 25 and both still live at home. When I’m asked how old they are.people often remark that they are quite old to be living at home still. They pay rent and do household chores. I would have thought most young adults are better off living at home.

Well, university can be covered by a loan and working pt and in the vac, and cars and weddings are for me things you pay for yourself when or if you want and can afford them. I funded several degrees on scholarships, got married for about £200, and we only got a car when we moved out of London in our late 30s.

@Djouce

Well, university can be covered by a loan and working pt and in the vac, and cars and weddings are for me things you pay for yourself when or if you want and can afford them. I funded several degrees on scholarships, got married for about £200, and we only got a car when we moved out of London in our late 30s.

I'd rather my kids focus on relevant work experience and internships (even unpaid) than waste time earning peanuts.

I see a lot of graduate CVS through my job, I see what pays off and what doesn't.

I paid for my own wedding, and I spend a hell of a lot more than £200, even my shoes cost more than that. I loved every second of it, if anything I should have spent a lot more . If I can afford to help my kids, I will - what else am I supposed to do with my money? I won't take it with me when I am dead!

That's great, but I'm also saying that there's a lot of satisfaction and greater sense of achievement in paying for all these things yourself, and that it absolutely is possible to rent and save on a modest salary - because I've done it. My parents offered me to live at home but I prefer being independent, that's worth infinite money in rent. Everyone is different, this is an opinion board and my opinion is that I find living with parents weird as an adult, just like parents paying for cars/houses/weddings.

You just have to read the threads of people complaining of never be able to buy a property ever, of never being able to save enough for a real deposit to see how "easy" it is to save and pay rent.

This is a forum, you only hear about people with problems - just like you only hear from women with cheating/abusive husbands, not the happy marriages. You don't hear from people who rent and save a deposit just fine, like a lot of people I know from uni or work with. In my situation if you share a flat in a commuter town like I do, rent is about 720/2 = £360, bills another couple of hundred max, food a couple hundred. On a salary of 2000 a month you can save half of that easily. House deposit done in a few years without needing to be a banker or live with parents.

According to this thread I am "weird"!

Forty-something M, stuck at home and no prospect of being able to escape any time soon.

My parents are great and will have me here as long as I need, but that was never my intention!

The family home is in a countryside/touristy area of the home counties which, thanks to transport improvements, is now only about an hour from London - so the London money is coming out here and sending house prices through the roof.

When I left school, I obviously had no experience, so, like many - No experience = no job offers.

So I went self employed.

Built up a good business.

Got nearly wiped out in the 2008 recession and had to start again.

Rebuilt it and now been wiped out again thanks to Covid.

Because I'm still living at home - nobody is interested in dating me, so I'm on a single income.

Because I'm single-income & self-employed, nobody will give me a mortgage.

For the same reason, I can't get a rental unless I pay a year up front AND need to demonstrate that I also have huge pile of cash in the bank as reserves (or use my parents as guarantors, which defeats the object of being independent and leaves me back at square one when they fall off their perch!).

Even when I'd saved the equivalent to about 60% deposit at the time and would leave me with a comfortably manageable mortgage payment, I still got refused, so that's just sitting in the bank getting eroded by inflation.

I want to move out and find my soulmate. But one seems impossible without the other!

And to reassure the PP who thinks that we're incapable of basic life functions just because we still live at home - Some of the utility bills are actually in my name and last month I taught myself how to use a telephone so I could phone a heating engineer. You would have been SO proud of me!!

(In fact, with everything being online these days, aren't I better placed to cope with that sort of life admin than my ageing parents?!)

If we had our time again, I'm sure there are things we'd all do differently. But we don't have that choice, so we just have to make the best of the hand life deals us.

So that's the viewpoint from one of us "weird" people!

Maybe if one of you "normal" people had given me a chance at a job when I left school, my life may have taken a more socially acceptable course! :)

It's what's right for you.
Dd1,25 moved back during lockdown but is now renting a flat nearby(can rent a whole flat for the price of her room in london).
Dd2,23 rents a house with her boyfriend and is expecting a baby. She moved in with him at 19.
Horses for courses.

As long as they're staying at hone to save money and contribute and work hard, not a coast and mummy will look after me waste of time. Great. Better to get some savings while you can to maybe get a house than be stuck renting. It's not unusual. Just don't allow them abuse the opportunity

I wonder if iphones and the internet make these arrangements easier - when my DCs were teens there was one tele in the living room and one pc. Mobile phones but not the present social media.
With iphones today you can carry on your own private life wherever you are.

@MidnightHangingTree

I would say that's around the age that they should be thinking about buying a house and moving out if they've lived at home and had full time jobs since they were 18... I bought my house with my partner a month after I turned 24 and I had saved a £30k deposit in the 5 years that I'd been working and living with parents. I'm now 26 and can't think of many people from my school year who haven't bought houses yet, and I don't think I know of anyone who still lives at home with their parents.

It completely depends on where you live/work and want to buy. A 3 bed small terraced house in my part of north London goes for around £800k to a million pounds. A 30k deposit goes absolutely nowhere. My son, by staying at home and saving now has £100k for a deposit but still needs more. He doesn't want to have to rely on being a couple to afford a mortgage in case the relationship didn't work out.

@someonem I'm interested it seems you have been caught in loopholes that shouldn't have happened to you. A single hardworking person should have to live at home because of society. You should be close to paying off your own house by now or have saved a lot or something, is this common where you live as it's this hard work, I don't understand how this has happened?

I don’t think that’s normal, but if it works for you that’s fine. I went to university at 18 and never moved back home permanently.
Most people my age that I know also left home around them and became independent.
I have an assistant who’s 24 and lives at home and moans about her parents involvement and interest in her life but she’s got it made there with low rent, tv subscriptions, good WiFi, use of the car etc. She was horrified when I suggested she move out because she would t have all that. When I told her about where I lived and the flatshares and occasional nightmare flatmate, living off pasta etc and the shitty areas in London etc til was 30 or so she was horrified. But I had my independence and it made me resilient.
Can’t imagine living with my parents til that age.

Are they single? I would run a mile if I’d found out that a potential girlfriend still lived at home permanently at that age.

Nothing wrong with it as long as they’re working, paying more than a token, and saving.

A lot wrong with it if they’re paying nothing, or not working when they could, or not helping with any housework, or frittering away every penny of the money they could be saving.
Even more wrong if more than one of these.

I think it depends on the relationship between the “children” and their parents.
If the relationship has moved on to a peer-peer relationship rather than parent/child then it’s healthy but if it hasn’t then they are stuck in this perpetual “kidult” state and it’s stunting.

DH moved out when we got married when he was 30.
He own his own home, had a career, nice car, savings etc and was from the outside an “Adult” but didn’t know how to use a washing machine, iron, couldn’t clean or cook and had missed out on a whole section of independent life skills (like trusting your own opinion and choices) that you need to function as an independent adult.
His mother did everything for him as it was easier than teaching him how to do it (also he was an Italian mumma’s boy)

While my mum moved out when I was 16 (she got remarried) and my older sister and I lived in her house till I left travelling at 18 and had lived in 4 different countries by the time DH and I met.

Dh is now a fully functioning adult but that 1st year or 2 were rough and a bit of a learning curve for him.

@someonem why couldn’t you get a mortgage with a 60% deposit and a thriving business? There must be more to that story otherwise it just doesn’t stack up.

And if you have all of that cash sitting in the bank then you could rent. 60% of the amount it costs to buy a house must be well in excess of the year’s rent you apparently need to pay upfront.

Yes, being a 40 year old living with parents is probably a bit of an obstacle to finding a relationship but wouldn’t have been when you were 20.

No offence but you sound a bit like the world owes you something and you aren’t looking for solutions, only problems.

I left home at 18 but those were the days where everything was cheaper and easier.

My son is 23, graduated this year and started working a month ago. I have been telling him since age 18 to not budge from home until at least 30, preferably do a couple of years working in a ME tax free contract post ( as the pay is so much better), save as much as he can and look to buy somewhere that is not in London. If he manages to then fine but considering how much a 2 bedroom flat in London goes for these days he’d probably be staying home with me beyond 30!

him leaving for a flat share or renting a studio or 1bed and paying towards someone else’s mortgage is not an option, nor is buying with a partner.

I think he wouldn’t mind moving out now but he also realises he will have to stay in London for now whilst he gains experience and even if he rented a room it would still cost a fair bit compared to what he will be contributing at home, and that is not including travel costs which at the moment, due to how central we live, is minimal.

him leaving for a flat share or renting a studio or 1bed and paying towards someone else’s mortgage is not an option, nor is buying with a partner.

And if he wants to do any of those things?

Someonem: Please, do not worry about what anyone else says here. You just do what is right for you. The people judging most likely are not perfect themselves so just ignore.
It's harder for a single person than it is someone who settled down young with a partner. Where earnings can be combined etc. You just focus on yourself and do not get dragged down by the judgemental comments.

him leaving for a flat share or renting a studio or 1bed and paying towards someone else’s mortgage is not an option, nor is buying with a partner.

Jesus, you sound overly controlling of his life. He's an adult. I wanted to do all these things as soon as I left uni, and if my parents told me it wasn't an option and I'd have to live with them till THIRTY, I'd politely tell them to stuff it. I also wouldn't date anyone who lived with their parents - total turn off. My husband had his own rented flat when we met, and even though it was grotty and he wasn't great at cleaning, at least his mum wasn't in it!

@hoxtonbabe

I left home at 18 but those were the days where everything was cheaper and easier.

My son is 23, graduated this year and started working a month ago. I have been telling him since age 18 to not budge from home until at least 30, preferably do a couple of years working in a ME tax free contract post ( as the pay is so much better), save as much as he can and look to buy somewhere that is not in London. If he manages to then fine but considering how much a 2 bedroom flat in London goes for these days he’d probably be staying home with me beyond 30!

him leaving for a flat share or renting a studio or 1bed and paying towards someone else’s mortgage is not an option, nor is buying with a partner.

I think he wouldn’t mind moving out now but he also realises he will have to stay in London for now whilst he gains experience and even if he rented a room it would still cost a fair bit compared to what he will be contributing at home, and that is not including travel costs which at the moment, due to how central we live, is minimal.

You sound insanely hectoring. No wonder he ‘wouldn’t mind moving out now’. Does he get a say in how he spends his own money that he earns, or does he trot home with his salary which you put in a bank account titled ‘Deposit — Not for Fun/Rent!’

@Descant

OH give it a rest. Of course he can go if he wants but he’s not going to get very far with saving, hence it not being an option financially. He also has a learning disability that I didn’t think was necessary to add but I can always upload his pip award letter too if you like or his educational statement that he had from age 5 to 18?

Most people, once they reach 18 plus I’m sure wouldn’t mind moving out, he’s expressed no real desire to though and the door is always open for him to walk through it, as I don’t keep him chained up, BUT HE is also fully aware of his disability and he is slowly realising that he was taken advantage of in the past hence my saying if he buys, buy a property alone, he also needs to learn more life skills! Yes he graduated from uni but I’m not sure you would be keen on having him as a housemate when he keeps leaving the fridge open or the oven on due to his processing or calling you when he gets in a tizz over a route that he is not familiar with And has to navigate to get back home.

I want him to be in a position of when he goes, he goes and is comfortable financially and mentally and realistically I can’t see that being before he is 30! Again if he manages to save 30k or so in 3 years, gets his ducks in a row and the other skills he needs to live alone by the time he is 26 kicks in then good on him. I know my son, his physiologist knows him, his speech therapist knows him and we know the rate things click for him. He will get there, that’s a given but it certainly isn’t there yet.