To not find it unusual that my children still live with me

[Tellmelies65]

My children are 23 and 25 and both still live at home. When I’m asked how old they are.people often remark that they are quite old to be living at home still. They pay rent and do household chores. I would have thought most young adults are better off living at home.

Oh man. I guess it’s not that unusual, but I hope it’s changed by the time my kids are that age!

Personally I blame high rents, I think it's good to live at home to save, but I would try to suggest a plan involving moving out eventually.

My son still lives at home
He’s 26 , he works long ( 12 hrs shifts) doing security at a university
He is on rotas for days and nights and on his days off he spends at his girlfriends who live an hour away and
No point in paying £800 plus a month for a flat
Or £500 a month for a shared room
When all he really does is sleep in it
He has his own bedroom and en-suite
Cooks his own food and I don’t charge him rent as I have no need to charge him rent

i knew someone who arranged for her ds to leave when he was about 20, to live in a house share - i dont know how they afforded it
strange imo

It's normal for where I live, in the southeast. Being able to afford a home at that age is fairly rare given that cost of housing.

Mine were at home at that age and saving like mad. But the important thing is that they wanted to be independent and they had a plan. I wouldn't have been comfortable with them just hanging around forever because it's easier. They both moved within a year or two of those ages though.

@jay55

How do you find out if you'd enjoy living in a big city, or a beach town or somewhere remote if you just stay with what you've always known? I find it thoroughly depressing.

Why do you assume they have never experienced anything?

Plenty of kids leave home for uni, take a gap year and travel around the world (obviously not this year), then live with their parents if they are lucky enough and the family home is near their first job?

It's a much healthier attitude than people who did not plan, chose to rent expensive properties (expensive for their own budget), have kids and now complain that they can't save for a house because they have a family to support.

If you are a normal young adult, with a full time job, hobbies and a social life, you don't see much of your parents and much of the house frankly. It's a base.

This year, it must have been a lot less lonely than being stuck in a grotty flat with nothing to do!

Definitely seems more acceptable these days for young adults to be living at home and saving for a deposit on a flat. It’s sensible, but I do find it a real shift in how we grow in to adulthood as a society nowadays. When I graduated from university (90s) it was the norm to live in flat shares, eventually rent alone, usually try out living (renting) with a boyfriend/girlfriend for a while...before mortgages and marriages and kids and all that stuff. It was fun, it gave me life skills, it taught me how to be a grown up. It’s a shame really that nowadays kids go straight from mum’s house to their own house, a bit like we have gone backwards.

I couldn't imagine living at home by that age, let alone some of these at 40😱. But I guess it depends on family and how well you get on and the level of independence you want. My home was never a calm place to be and when my mum died when I was 15, I went to uni at 18 and came back for holidays but then moved in with my now husband at 21. I wouldn't have wanted to stay at home, I wanted independence and freedom but each to their own.

That’s not a judgement on you, OP, btw ! My kids are still teens and who knows, they may well be at home in their 20s and Im their mum...I’ll happily have them, obviously!

moved in with my now husband at 21. I wouldn't have wanted to stay at home, I wanted independence and freedom but each to their own.

not sure everybody would agree that you have any real independence if you already settle with your husband (to be) from the age of 21!

The period in which it was normal for young adults to move out of the parental home in their twenties is actually very short. Pre war and even in the fifties and sixties unmarried children almost always lived at home. It would be very unusual for people to live alone at that age. We are just returning to the norm .

Also, was having a conversation with my niece (27, living with her mum and saving for a deposit on a flat) and she said Christmas was a bit tough going so far as her mum is a tee totalled and is really policing how much she drinks. I did think to myself ‘fucking hell, I couldn’t have had my mum looking over my shoulder all day at 18, let alone 27!’. That’s why we went to university and basically left home. Nobody knew what time I was coming in or who I brought back or what I drank or are or spent. It was blissful freedom, and my parents were pretty lenient to be fair. But it was adulthood abd I loved it!

Even in the 90s we moved in with DH's parents after uni for a bit, while looking for jobs. Then when we were 25 moved into rented for 6-7 years before we bought a house when we felt settled at work - house prices were still affordable in 1999 (we benefited from that but had found it hard to get jobs in the 1991-92 slump.

House prices have gone up four-fold or more (5-6 fold for good houses in nice areas in W Yorks since then, probably more in parts of the SE - maybe 10-fold at least, but wages have only roughly doubled since 1999, thinking about what we earned then and where we would be without career progression. Rents have gone up by crazy amounts too.

Even if people buy for first time at 30+ when they are ready to, there is usually still time to pay off the mortgage during working life. I won't mind if my teens stay on or come back after uni, as long as they don't take the piss. I couldn't wait to leave home at 18, but relations between parents and young people appear to be much better than they used to be.

It's an age where it varies greatly. I've just turned 26 and I am married, with a mortgage and a toddler. Some of my friends are homeowners, some renting, some still living at home. Not many are still at home, but a few.

My 22 ds has moved out and my 20 dd had moved into workplace accommodation until she lost her job due to C19. She’s home again now, just started a new full time job with NHS so she’ll stay here a while now to save. I like having her home and moving out for a while means she’s grown up a bit.

I can see both sides. It might make financial sense but I honestly don't want my kids living with me after their early twenties. I want them to travel, see the world, experience life outside our little town, have fun with friends, have rampant sex lives and be independent and resourceful even if that means living in a shitty flat or paying over the odds in rent. I lived in digs and shared houses when I was in my early to mid 20s so why should it be different for them?

I don't want them mooching around the house like overgrown teenagers, eating all my food and living the life of Riley even if they do "chores' or pay "rent". I want to enjoy my well earned retirement with my DH and to suit ourselves in our own home after a lifetime of hard graft, working FT and bringing up kids. I don't want them to have to support me in my old age either.

I think it’s because they are the first lot to be at home so late. As time goes on it will be common for under 30’s to be living with parents

I think it’s really unhealthy for adults not to make their own way in life, however difficult that may be in them getting there.

I don’t think you are doing them any favours. They need to have responsibility for their own lives, it’s how they grow and become good adults.

I think it’s quite common. Personally I went off to uni and never moved home again, once you’ve lived independently I think it would be quite difficult to go back to lining in the family home. Are they saving for deposits and do they have partners and plans to eventually move out?

Our obsession with home ownership is part of the problem isn't it? If we had a well regulated rental market and it was seen as more acceptable to rent then people would be so much more free to rent and move around when they're young. We have friends in Germany who didn't buy their first house until they were in their 40s - they were horrified when we bought in our 20s and couldn't believe we wanted to tie ourselves down so young. We've had to move a fair few times for work reasons and now find ourselves in our 50s with a massive mortgage. It's a crazy way to live.

Hmm it's difficult to say really. I went to uni at 18, did a BSc, MSc and then moved back home at 23 and then bought a house with DP at 25 (18 months ago). But I'm fortunate to be in the North and see how it could be much trickier in the South. I see friends living with parents at nearly 30 who have worked full time from being 18 though and to me personally I think they have really missed out on a lot of brilliant experiences ☹️

I was desperate to leave home at 18. I have a great relationship with my parents but just couldn't wait to move. I went to uni and never moved back. However I know it's a lot more common nowadays and obviously easier to save to buy a house. Also I was desperate to move to London but if you live near a city already I can see the pull isn't so great. Everyone's situation is different and if you're all happy there isn't a problem.

My sister and I both moved out age 20ish and rented separately with friends. After a few years our parents said we were wasting money, so we both moved back home for a couple of years and paid parents a pepper corn rent so we could save for a deposit . Sister and I bought first house together costing about £45000. I shudder to think how today's youngsters could possible get a mortgage so I understand why this is happening.

I was chucked out onto the streets aged 18
A lad in my class at school still lived with his parents until two years ago-he only left cos he met and married an lady and moved in with her
(We are both 42 now)
I think it’s lovely-mine moved out at 21,20 and 18 (I didn’t kick them out-they wanted to)
The others still live with me (younger) but the next one will be leaving to go to uni this year
As long as you all want it then it’s nothing to do with anyone else

Nothing wrong with it at all! Mine are both 19, but I hope they feel they can stay or move out. To some extent I think it's how adult you make them feel.