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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not find it unusual that my children still live with me

296 replies

Tellmelies65 · 23/12/2020 23:07

My children are 23 and 25 and both still live at home. When I’m asked how old they are.people often remark that they are quite old to be living at home still. They pay rent and do household chores. I would have thought most young adults are better off living at home.

OP posts:
MiaMarshmallows · 25/12/2020 15:53

A previous poster has a point though.
So many jump to judgements about adults living at home without really thinking about the different scenarios.
If anyone is judging they are most likely the type who moved in with a partner who earns a lot more than them and in reality, without them they would not have been able to move out alone. Yet somehow that is seen as acceptable or at the least, not to be judged. Weird world we live in.

grapewine · 25/12/2020 15:59

Not unusual but I'd miss privacy and as PP not the best for life experience.

Serin · 25/12/2020 15:59

23yr old DD has recently moved home after uni and living in Italy for a year.
We dont charge her any rent or board because we have enough and we are happy to see her savings growing.
We love having her here.
Honest to God, what business is it of anyone elses?
I moved home after uni, as did DH.

fussychica · 25/12/2020 16:07

DS came home for the summer after uni, then did a post grad at Oxford and rented a flat. When he got a job he just moved into a new flat in the new location. Met a girl who moved in with him a few weeks later. He's 28 and they are still together 3.5 years later.
I think he had become very independent due to living abroad for a year as part of his uni course. If that hadn't been the case I think he might not have flown the nest straight away. The trouble is its a struggle for them to save enough deposit as their rent is high as its London suburbs but they love it and both happy at work so I expect they'll stay where they are.

I wouldn't make any judgement about your kids living at home, particularly as they pay their way.

catlovingdoctor · 25/12/2020 16:38

I'm 27 and will be at home until I'm at least 29 as I'm a student in London and moving out is just ridiculously expensive. I'm very resentful that the selfish actions of the generations before me (buying multiple properties) alongside the fact that foreign investors have been permitted to buy huge amounts of property have meant people in my age cohort are totally priced out of affordable housing.

Proudboomer · 25/12/2020 17:00

My children are 25 and 23 both still at home. I have my sons long time girlfriend living with us as well. They are all perfectly capable of adulting but as we live in the south if they are to have any chance of saving a deposit to buy then they need to remain in the family home as I don’t have the money to gift them for a deposit.
I don’t treat them as children. They come and go as they want, cook for themselves, keep their own areas of the house clean and pay a small amount of rent worked out on what they earn, save and how much extra they add to my bills.
They don’t need to move out and spend all their earnings on rent and bills just to learn how to manage bill paying as they have bills to pay now.
They are quite capable of organising their phone contact bills, cable bill, netflicks and prime, car tax, insurance and mot along with their month savings into an help to buy isa. So it won’t be a big shock when they have to add gas, electric and water into the mix.

BasinHaircut · 25/12/2020 17:25

@MiaMarshmallows ‘probably moved in with a partner who earns a lot more than them’ is a very strange assumption to make. Why would they have to earn more? Bizarre.

SecretWitch · 25/12/2020 17:28

My lovely older children age 22 and 24 live thousands of miles away from me. I miss them terribly but are happy they are living their own lives. I would welcome them home gladly.

MiaMarshmallows · 25/12/2020 17:55

In my experience, it is the way that one of the partners earns a lot more which means that even if the other half of the partner earns a very low wage, they can still move out together. I don't see how that's any better than relying on parents. I know a TA who wouldn't be able to afford a shoebox yet her husband works in IT and they have a huge house. Yet this woman will be seen as successful as she has moved out, all because she married someone who earns well. It's crazy.

BasinHaircut · 25/12/2020 17:59

What’s professional achievement got to do with it?
L

Original poster
Tellmelies65 · 25/12/2020 18:05

They have both been to university so have lived away for three years so they have experienced it.

OP posts:
MiaMarshmallows · 25/12/2020 18:09

My point is this TA would be seen as a failure if she lived at home at the age of 37.
She is however seen as 'normal' and 'successful' as she managed to marry a man who has done very well for himself professionally. Without him she would be at home.

BasinHaircut · 25/12/2020 18:20

@MiaMarshmallows I’m just not following your logic.

MiaMarshmallows · 25/12/2020 18:24

It's quite straightforward

BasinHaircut · 25/12/2020 18:30

Not really. Her profession and marital status are complete red herrings.

MiaMarshmallows · 25/12/2020 18:32

If she did not have her husbands salary do you think she would be able to buy her own house independently then?

BasinHaircut · 25/12/2020 18:35

Who says she has to buy a house?

BasinHaircut · 25/12/2020 18:36

It’s almost 2021. The options are not limited to stay with parents or marry

MiaMarshmallows · 25/12/2020 18:37

So you believe she could afford to buy or rent on a TA's wage?

BasinHaircut · 25/12/2020 18:42

What point are you trying to make?

The OP is about whether it is weird for twenty-somethings to live at home or not.

Whether your TA friend is worthy of her lot given that you think she only ever made anything of herself because she married someone in IT is neither here nor there!

maddiemookins16mum · 25/12/2020 18:55

23 and 25 fine.
28 and 30.....somewhat unusual (most adults of that age want to be in their own place)
Anything over 30 odd - it’s common to be in a fairly settled relationship at this point and not sleeping in your childhood bedroom.
42 (yes colleague), weird.

MiaMarshmallows · 25/12/2020 22:32

It kind of does though. Some people are judging on here those who are over 25 and 'gasps not in a committed relationship etc. Why should one TA who happens to be single and lives with parents be seen as less than successful and up for judgement over someone who has been lucky enough to get together with a higher earner and therefore be in a position to move out? When their only 'achievement' has been to be lucky enough to meet someone in that position.
You say my views are not relevant to the thread, I disagree. Look at the stereotypes and judgements here. When if you really look at it, it's not that black and white.

I would never call anyone weird or abnormal for living at home. I don't know their circumstances and it is none of my business. What I do judge people on is how they treat others.

Djouce · 25/12/2020 23:25

@MangoSeason

I did conveyancing for years and 99/100 of my first home buyers had moved out of home when they first bought a house. First home buyers who went from their parent’s home to their own home were vanishingly rare. I simply do not believe people who say they are living at home to save a deposit Might be true very occasionally, but on the whole it’s a socially acceptable excuse for failure to launch.

It’s stunting and unhealthy. Everyone being happy with the living arrangements doesn’t change this.

This. ‘Getting on the property ladder’ is a socially-acceptable alibi for prolonging adolescence.
BasinHaircut · 26/12/2020 08:23

Meeting someone in itself isn’t an achievement, but that she did is reflective of the fact that this TA managed to develop an adult relationship and progress with her life outside of the family unit and her role as the child.

I think the point is that some (not all, there are obviously a plethora of reasons why an older adult may live with parents, I.e. is their carer) adults may still live at home way beyond the age that is seen as acceptable/normal because of a ‘failure to launch’ as the pp says. IMO as I say upthread because they ‘remain the child’.

Choosing a career as a TA doesn’t mean you meet someone wealthier than you or accept that you live with your parents forever. It’s not the defining thing here.

I don’t think anyone is choosing a lifelong career as a TA as a school leaver either. Knowing that they’ll earn £12k a year for the rest of their life. Knowing that it would mean they see out their days in their childhood bedroom unless they meet Mr IT consultant. And if that is the case and they don’t meet their man or come up with a new one. then yes I’m sorry but that would mean that they are less successful would be down to their lack of ambition or maybe even a symptom of something more troubling, not the simple fact that they are a TA!

BasinHaircut · 26/12/2020 08:25

That should say or come up with a new plan, not a new one.