To not find it unusual that my children still live with me

[Tellmelies65]

My children are 23 and 25 and both still live at home. When I’m asked how old they are.people often remark that they are quite old to be living at home still. They pay rent and do household chores. I would have thought most young adults are better off living at home.

My partner has siblings who never moved out, and yes, sure, they 'do household chores' and pay rent (in fact they pay most of the household expenses). But it's still their childhood home, and they've never grown up. It is becoming increasingly clear that, when MIL and FIL die, we will become their carers. Not because they have any innate need of carers, but because they have reached their mid/late 30s without ever learning life skills they need, and now it's so late, they can't imagine how things would work

I would start knocking that expectation on the head right now, make it clear you will not be their carers. They need to start learning life skills and not be a burden on you and your partner, it's not too late to learn.

@heseesyouwhenyouaresleeping

moved in with my now husband at 21. I wouldn't have wanted to stay at home, I wanted independence and freedom but each to their own.

not sure everybody would agree that you have any real independence if you already settle with your husband (to be) from the age of 21!

If you live somewhere like London or the south of England, it's probably the only way people can get on the property ladder.
I moved out at 18/19 but was home a lot and then moved countries at about 22. Came home for a few months at one point to get out of debt. Paid rent though and got on ok. Moved away even further at 25 and never came back home since (to live - I do visit!!)
30 now and my parents home feels like their home, it's not mine as such. I prefer being in my own with my own family. I think it's better for us to have our own space. I had to become completely independent living so far away and that has stayed with me. I'd be well aware though that that wouldn't be an option for everyone. I'm sure young people in London would love to be more independent but what can they do? It's kind of parents to offer that support to let them save.

I'm jealous! My dc are only 9, but if they still they're 30 I'd be delighted. Or forever. Ideally we'll just swap over and I move into their granny flat!! Why not! That's what families always did until recent history. Granny can sit by the fire and nurse the baby. If you love someone why would you not want to be together?

If you love someone why would you not want to be together?

I'd probably love my family a lot less if I had to bloody live with them forever!

Living with parents means young people miss out on life experience that is essential to adulthood.

Having responsibility for utility bills and paying them on time. Interacting with a landlord. Repairing and maintaining the home. In my experience even where boomerang kids contribute some amount financially, its often well under market rate and they mostly don't actually have any responsibility for properly managing bills, budgets or household tasks. Mum or dad often still does the bulk of the food shopping, deals with any plumbers or electricians.

Paying less than the going rate can in some cases just enable a young person to choose a low responsibility/ low reward career without motivation to progress,or it can lead to them getting used to a lifestyle they can't really afford.

Of course there are exceptions but this is what I saw a lot among peers when I was in my 20s.

It's kind of come full circle in a way where people used to stay at home until they got married :)

It's different now obviously but having left home at 18 (to get out ASAP) to me it shows your kids love loving with you. I'm hoping our our DD is the same - I want her to feel like it's always her home no letter her age

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Living with parents means young people miss out on life experience that is essential to adulthood.

Having responsibility for utility bills and paying them on time. Interacting with a landlord. Repairing and maintaining the home. In my experience even where boomerang kids contribute some amount financially, its often well under market rate and they mostly don't actually have any responsibility for properly managing bills, budgets or household tasks. Mum or dad often still does the bulk of the food shopping, deals with any plumbers or electricians.

Paying less than the going rate can in some cases just enable a young person to choose a low responsibility/ low reward career without motivation to progress,or it can lead to them getting used to a lifestyle they can't really afford.

Of course there are exceptions but this is what I saw a lot among peers when I was in my 20s.

I see this all the time - people claiming that they can't possibly afford to move out on better salaries than mine with 3 holidays a year and an Audi living at home. Each to their own and I hope they enjoy it but does grate at me when people moan how "poor" they are and complain they will never be able to afford a house like me when I generally earn a good 10K less!

I’d rather mine did to save etc... as long as they have a plan, on the road to moving out.

If you love someone why would you not want to be together?

I find this really troubling. Our role as a parent is to get our children ready to launch into the world as a fully responsible adult, one who can survive on their own.

Whether you are aware of this or not, when you prevent your children launching into the world, you are sabotaging their chances of becoming truly independent and full humans. The spidery web created by some parents is excused by things such as house prices etc. but really there is no excuse and love is the worst of them all. There is a certain selfishness in not allowing your children to launch, to keep yourself in the parent (needed) role forever.

@Tellmelies65

My children are 23 and 25 and both still live at home. When I’m asked how old they are.people often remark that they are quite old to be living at home still. They pay rent and do household chores. I would have thought most young adults are better off living at home.

nothing wrong with this.

I stayed at home until I was 21 but moved out before and after and moved back for a year or so at 25 and then back again late 20's to save for a mortgage.

My DM did the same with her own DM so there was no 'stigma' and I/we both did household chores, paid rent etc.

There's nothing wrong with it if mutual respect etc.

@jay55

How do you find out if you'd enjoy living in a big city, or a beach town or somewhere remote if you just stay with what you've always known? I find it thoroughly depressing.

Which is fine if you can afford to pack up your life and afford to move to the other end of the country with 6 months worth of rent just in case you can't find work immediately. Few people at 23 will be in a position with work where they can transfer across the country - I was working for a local housing company at that point. I was paying 1/3 of household costs on 15k. It took long enough to save for a local move into rented with a decent job let alone quitting it.

I agree in an ideal world young people would have more choices but housing is so expensive

@allhappeningatonce

If you live somewhere like London or the south of England, it's probably the only way people can get on the property ladder. I moved out at 18/19 but was home a lot and then moved countries at about 22. Came home for a few months at one point to get out of debt. Paid rent though and got on ok. Moved away even further at 25 and never came back home since (to live - I do visit!!) 30 now and my parents home feels like their home, it's not mine as such. I prefer being in my own with my own family. I think it's better for us to have our own space. I had to become completely independent living so far away and that has stayed with me. I'd be well aware though that that wouldn't be an option for everyone. I'm sure young people in London would love to be more independent but what can they do? It's kind of parents to offer that support to let them save.

yep - this was my case - nigh on impossible to get on property ladder even when younger. House prices even flats in London and SE have always been extortionate.

Also in my case - my DP had a holiday home abroad that they lived in for sometimes 2-3 months of the year and they preferred me or DB living there (which wasn't all the time) to keep an eye on the house etc.

I also food shopped on a weekly basis approx once a month, dealt with bills when they were away (but also when I rented etc) and also plumbers etc so had more than enough life experience generally.

What is a single person meant to do if they are on a low wage and are single?
Many of the couples that I know would be in great difficulty if their partner left them.
One is a TA and wouldn't even be able to afford a flatshare if they were alone.
Many people judge those living at home for relying on parents but many are reliant on partners so is that really any better?

Perfectly normal.
I think it's less usual to move out at 18-25 these days.
And it's nobody else business.
Getting a long term partner and your own abode isn't the be all and end all of life, is it?

@MiaMarshmallows

What is a single person meant to do if they are on a low wage and are single? Many of the couples that I know would be in great difficulty if their partner left them. One is a TA and wouldn't even be able to afford a flatshare if they were alone. Many people judge those living at home for relying on parents but many are reliant on partners so is that really any better?

which was me on and off too!

It is very very different when you're a couple (when I was married and we bought a house it was far easier) but if you have one salary and are in an expensive area it can be very expensive to live alone. Factor in things like job changes or unexpected things etc.

I think this is becoming more and more the usual TBH .House prices here in the South Coast are out of reach for many people ,and rent is high too .Must be worse still in London /Home Counties I would think.Probably worse still after the Pandemic as well .Many older people dont realise that when they were younger, although not easy was not impossible and there was still plenty of CH and HA properties to be had.

I lived at home with varying stints at moving out from 22 until I was 28 and moved countries altogether.

I loved living with my parents honestly, they're great!

My boys are only 9&6 but I suspect the way the world is going, they'll probably be at home into their 20's.

I'm in my mid 30's and when I was the age your DC are now, OP, it would have been quite unusual at least among my circle of friends and acquaintances. But now it's increasingly common and will become more so. We live in an area that has become more expensive over the last ten years and there is a growing problem with young people graduating from university and coming back to find they have been 'priced-out' of the town they were born and grew up in. So they have a choice between reverting back to living with their parents, (which I imagine could be difficult for all concerned after three years of independence) or relocating to a much cheaper area where they have no family support which could be daunting for someone in their early 20's.

I wouldn't think it's that unusual, but "better off" depends on a lot of factors that differ between individuals and is partially subjective.

As others said, it's nice if they feel welcome and everything is going well, but I would find it odd if young adults didn't have plans for the future involving moving out even if it's not likely in the near future. Maybe that's because as a teenager, pretty much everyone I knew were all about moving away, but two decades on, a lot of people haven't really made it yet... I find that odd, but not unusual, I guess if that makes sense.

not sure everybody would agree that you have any real independence if you already settle with your husband (to be) from the age of 21!

How would moving in with flatmates as being repeatedly suggested by more real independent than moving in with a partner one ends up marrying? It's not that unusual for flatmates to start dating, even marrying.

I guess this depends on how people define 'real' independence.
I mean, I immigrated and married at 18. I'm sure people could come up with an argument I wasn't independant or free, but I certainly was from my parents which I would think is the main concern here. With most of my peers who, even when living on their own, were regularly getting money from their parents to support their young freedom, I certainly felt more independent than them or in what was essentially living on my own but under my parents' roof and juggling their financial messes (working with the electric company when they'd come to shut off the power when I was 15 and home alone was a formative experience I wouldn't wish on anyone) that ahppened before I was kicked out. I didn't get much choice when I left (lovely finishing school present), but part of the freedom for me was choosing to live with other people who would actually be there. 'Settling down' was freedom to me.

Even well into my thirties, I know plenty of 'independent' people who regularly get financial and practical support from family that I haven't had since well before I left home. Where I am, that seems pretty usual even if to me it's odd. We could really narrow down who is really independent if we cut out anyone who lives with others and gets any sort of outside help to something even less achievable to most young adults.

One of mine came back at 22 after Uni and has just bought her own house at 24. Saved £30k whilst living with us- no rent

The other is 3rd year at uni- didn't go back this year as all on line and I imagine he will stay with us if he gets a job locally (or gets a job at all the way it is going)

To add- ours is a bit like adults house sharing. I dont charge them rent but expect them to muck in.

My friend still lives at home & is in her 40s. She has lived away in various parts of the country & world since her teens but has always come back to her parents as her base. Mainly I think because she didn’t know where to settle but she’s finally decided to buy somewhere. She’s been lucky she’s had opportunity to travel & know she has a safe home to come back too.

I've noticed the smug ones judging those for still living at home are those who are very reliant on their partners. As I said before, if the partner left them they would most likely be living back at home.
That's why it has always been important to me to earn a good and high wage. I am a lot older than the groups we are talking about here and do not live with my partner. But if for some reason I ever ended up on my own again, I would like to know I could provide for myself and my family.

Berating someone for living at home while you are depending heavily on your partner financially is hypocritical to say the least

Gosh we absolutely love having our 23 yr old daughter still home. She's a blessing to us and it means the younger kids get to grow up with her. She'll be moving out in a year or so to be with her partner and we will all miss her dreadfully. Couldn't care less what anyone thinks about our arrangements. I ping-ponged home til I was 30, and I'm very grateful that I got that extra time with my dad before he died. Cherish every day they're home, I say. Maybe their own kids aren't that nice to live with, who knows.