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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not know how to respond

155 replies

strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 09:05

hello,

I recently got in touch with my biological father again. We spoke on the phone.

Quick background - him and my mum were in their early 20s, not in a relationship and didn't know each other fantastically well but knew of the other through their friends. I was conceived on one night they spent together. He decided he wanted no involvement as he was in his words "having the time of his life" and "did not want to bring up a baby with someone he didn't really know".

He also said by the time he found out (my mum was about 5 months gone) there was nothing he could do anyway. I'm assuming he meant abortion/adoption conversations etc. and he said that what was he supposed to do, he had no way of knowing that could of happened. I said well, to be fair, you and my mum must of known when you were having unprotected sex that it was a possibility and he replied saying well millions of people do that so that's not really a good point strawberrypip.

The guy now wants to try and build a relationship with me and my daughter but I feel like he's not acknowledged anything? I'm also a bit gobsmacked by the millions of people do it so he doesn't really have anything to feel bad about comment...

I don't really know what to say

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 09:10

he also went on to tell me he has been a fabulous father to his children he brought up and is not an arsehole although he would understand if i disagreed. I'm honestly astounded

OP posts:
lunalulu · 23/12/2020 09:11

Hi Strawberrypip 🙋‍♀️

I'm afraid it's harsh to hear what he's said, but it's one type of male approach to this. He does feel guilty abd this is his way of brushing it off, too.

That doesn't excuse it. What else do you know about him? Does he have other children? Men do mature (some of them) so I wouldn't necessarily hold it against him forever that he didn't step up at the time, but I would go very slowly with the building a relationship. You don't owe him anything and he needs to earn you very much so now.

Without knowing him, it's hard to say. Just remember that he needs to enhance your life, if he's in it.

Original poster
strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 09:13

yes, he went on to have another 5 children. One of them I am in contact with now and is similar age to me. He said our dad has not been great to him but has been much better with the 4 younger ones.

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 23/12/2020 09:13

How old was he when you were conceived? Why didn’t your mum tell him about you immediately? You got in touch with him but you’re sounding so judgemental without hearing all the details. What were you expecting?

BethlehemIsInTier1 · 23/12/2020 09:15

Did you ask your mum the same questions?

AlwaysCheddar · 23/12/2020 09:15

I think a good father would have sought you out before now, he didn’t which makes him a bit of a dick tbh. The reality hurts... but maybe you can have a relationship with your half siblings? What is your ‘stepmom’ like?

Original poster
strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 09:16

@AlwaysCheddar seriously? They were 24. Because he told her a wrong address - it was his friends house. She went there and there was never anyone in. I know this is true because my dad has admitted he got her to drop him off at the wrong house after they spent the night together because he didn't want her to know where he lived. Of course i'm judgemental. He was absent my entire life and has never apologised or thought about how that affected me. I'm shocked that you've replied with that tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 09:17

My mum hoped that they could maybe be a thing - it turns out she liked him a lot more than he liked her. My mum has been wonderful, even though she had to do it on her own.

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 23/12/2020 09:20

Your mum didn’t tell him for 5 months about being pregnant.... but she wanted to be with him? Doesn’t make sense.

AlwaysCheddar · 23/12/2020 09:20

He’s your biological dad at the end of the day. Do you have another ‘dad’ who raised you?

Cam2020 · 23/12/2020 09:21

That's funny because he sounds very much like an arsehole to me.

Even giving him the benefit of the doubt that he was young etc. he shows no remorse now at how he behaved, as an older man and the father of 5 other children, and even justifies it. I'm afraid this might be best left, although perhaps a relationship with your siblings might be viable

Merryoldgoat · 23/12/2020 09:23

OP - I had a similar start in life but I’ve never actually met my father. I decided not to contact him because I suspect he’d be of a similar mindset to yours.

I’m 42 and it’s too late - my life is great and he can’t add anything to it other than utter nonsense.

YANBU - if he was willing to accept a modicum of responsibility or be even a little contrite then there might be some merit in trying to build something but his lack of self-awareness would mean I’d have to call it a fat.

Orf1abc · 23/12/2020 09:23

I'm not sure what you want him to say. If you want a relationship with him now, then go forward with that. But there's no point in focusing on the past, you can't change it.

Also I don't buy that your mum couldn't get in touch with him at the time. They had mutual friends, even before mobiles and social media you could still find someone if you wanted to.

Merryoldgoat · 23/12/2020 09:24

@AlwaysCheddar

What a set of strange posts - why on earth are you so eager to defend a man who so comprehensively abdicated responsibility for his child?

Original poster
strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 09:24

@AlwaysCheddar they knew each other through friends. My mum has admitted she fancied him a lot. Turns out he didn't see her in a similar light, as brutal as it is to think about my own mum she was obviously just a night thing for him. When she found out she was pregnant, I think she romanticised the situation in her mind - I think she hoped that he would stand by her and not leave her to do it on her own. That they could even make a go of it. They didn't really know each other, so sadly my mum didn't realise that her fantasy was literally just that - a fantasy. He ran as soon as my mum was able to track him down.

OP posts:
MedusasBadHairDay · 23/12/2020 09:24

He also said by the time he found out (my mum was about 5 months gone) there was nothing he could do anyway. I'm assuming he meant abortion/adoption conversations etc.

That's an awful thing for him to say to you. He sounds vile.

Beefcurtains79 · 23/12/2020 09:25

I don’t think it’s the OP being judgemental cheddar. You’re quite keen to blame the OPs mother and make excuses for the deadbeat dad aren’t you?
Are you an absent father yourself by any chance?

caringcarer · 23/12/2020 09:26

How does your Mum feel about him turning up out of the woodwork now? If she is still alive and in your life I would blank him out as he did yo your Mum and you all those years ago. If your Mum is dead maybe give him a go but do o mot expose your children to him yet in case he hurts them too. He does not sound a good person. Having unprotected sex with 2 woman at the same time.

Sparklfairy · 23/12/2020 09:26

He's not taking any responsibility is he? Even just paying lip service to showing remorse for "how things turned out, I've grown up since then and would do things differently" etc

Original poster
strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 09:27

@Orf1abc I would agree had my bio dad not admitted that he gave her a false address and that he didn't see her again until she tracked down his friend at said address, who then called him and said that girl you were with a few months ago has turned up and she is pregnant.

In my mums defence aswell, she was only 21 years old and found herself pregnant. They both had unprotected sex, except my mum atleast had the courage to stand by what had happened.

I just expect him to atleast acknowledge the choice he made and even if he doesn't regret it, to be a bit more apologetic to a child he abandoned because he was enjoying going out and getting drunk.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 23/12/2020 09:28

@Beefcurtains79

I don’t think it’s the OP being judgemental cheddar. You’re quite keen to blame the OPs mother and make excuses for the deadbeat dad aren’t you? Are you an absent father yourself by any chance?
My guess is a woman with one of those men who always wanted a relationship with an estranged child and believes the crap excuses they spout.
AlwaysCheddar · 23/12/2020 09:29

What outcome were you hoping for?

Beefcurtains79 · 23/12/2020 09:29

Seems he also didn’t use protection with the mother of the child who is similar age to you so he didn’t even learn from it.
He sounds utterly disgusting, leave him in the bin.

AlwaysCheddar · 23/12/2020 09:31

Your dad had nothing to do with your mum, said some pretty awful things about their relationship, so the expectations should be low.

Your mum saw something that wasn’t there, but had you and raised you etc.

You come across a little naive of wanting an amazing reunion?

Sn0tnose · 23/12/2020 09:31

What’s your ideal scenario?

He sounds like he has absolutely no intention of ever admitting that he did not behave like a prince amongst men when he was 24 so if you’re envisioning any sort of relationship between you, I think you’d have to be prepared to over look the fact that, even with the benefit of age and hindsight, he still doesn’t think he did anything wrong or that he has anything to apologise for. I’d also be wary of your half brother having told you that he wasn’t a good dad to him either but is ‘better’ with the younger ones.

What will this man bring to your life?