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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not know how to respond

155 replies

strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 09:05

hello,

I recently got in touch with my biological father again. We spoke on the phone.

Quick background - him and my mum were in their early 20s, not in a relationship and didn't know each other fantastically well but knew of the other through their friends. I was conceived on one night they spent together. He decided he wanted no involvement as he was in his words "having the time of his life" and "did not want to bring up a baby with someone he didn't really know".

He also said by the time he found out (my mum was about 5 months gone) there was nothing he could do anyway. I'm assuming he meant abortion/adoption conversations etc. and he said that what was he supposed to do, he had no way of knowing that could of happened. I said well, to be fair, you and my mum must of known when you were having unprotected sex that it was a possibility and he replied saying well millions of people do that so that's not really a good point strawberrypip.

The guy now wants to try and build a relationship with me and my daughter but I feel like he's not acknowledged anything? I'm also a bit gobsmacked by the millions of people do it so he doesn't really have anything to feel bad about comment...

I don't really know what to say

OP posts:
Giningit · 23/12/2020 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 09:32

I had questions for him of course. I knew they would not be pleasant. I'm more astounded by what he has come out with, the complete lack of remorse, the bigging himself up as a great father and then in the last breath saying lets see if we can have a relationship now. I can't see how we can move forward without him acknowledging the choice he made. I said as much and his response was that millions of people do it so he has no reason to feel bad. :S

Hard to move on when that's the attitude i am getting.

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 23/12/2020 09:32

@AlwaysCheddar

Your mum didn’t tell him for 5 months about being pregnant.... but she wanted to be with him? Doesn’t make sense.
Try reading the op. Op if I were you I wouldn't bother. It will only bring heartache.
billy1966 · 23/12/2020 09:32

He sounds like he hasn't matured much OP.

Proceed with the greatest of caution.

Protect yourself because he sounds like a twat.

He has another child of a similar age to you, so he didn't learn from the experience.

I would not be giving him a place in my childs life anytime soon.

He sounds flaky.

You sound greatFlowers

Original poster
strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 09:34

@Giningit not even going to dignify what you said with a thought out response. shocking.

OP posts:
Beefcurtains79 · 23/12/2020 09:34

Is your dad remarried?
Just wondering if he’s now in a relationship with @Alwayscheddar.

AlwaysCheddar · 23/12/2020 09:34

He’s a shit dad and will never admit he did wrong. That’s is what you need to accept, but is tough to do. The fact that he has other kids makes this harder. He seems to have blocked you from his life. Kind of sums him up as a person. But not a reflection on you at all.

laudete · 23/12/2020 09:35

The guy now wants to try and build a relationship with me and my daughter but I feel like he's not acknowledged anything?

He hasn't acknowledged anything. If he genuinely wants a relationship now, he needs to express remorse - or, at least, regret - for choosing zero past involvement. The superficial social niceties of cultivating a new acquaintance are not a substitute for parental affection and care. Tbh, I'd suggest you cut your losses. Sorry. x

AlwaysCheddar · 23/12/2020 09:35

What decade were you born? 60’s was very different to say, 2000.

8lue8ird · 23/12/2020 09:35

I have been in a similar situation to you OP and nothing good came of it. If I had my time again I would leave well alone and never let him come crawling into my life only to turn it upside down. Wishing you the best. Also confused by some of these very random responses

Original poster
strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 09:36

Just to clear it up though AGAIN, he gave her a false address. She went there several times - there was never anyone in. When she did finally find someone it was his friend, it was his friends house. He then contacted my dad saying oh that girl you saw a few months ago has turned up pregnant. She didn't try hide it from him, she tried to find him.

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 09:36

I was born in 1995

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 23/12/2020 09:37

@Giningit

I’m afraid that both your dad and mum are in the wrong here. Your dad for shirking his responsibilities all these years, however I put the blame more on your mum’s side. She sounds like she was incredibly immature and naive back then. Why did she have unprotected sex with a man she barely knew?Why not get the morning after pill? Pregnancy was always a risk. When she fell pregnant, you say she was hoping that they’d be a thing. Wow! So using the pregnancy to trap him? In her situation I’d have told him earlier and had an abortion, especially when he didn’t want to know. Not for his benefit but for her benefit.
Fucking hell it's not a crime to be naive. Not everybody wants to go through with an abortion, we don't know whether the ops mum had any other support available to her. The man is an arsehole but no way is her mum to blame. Read the ops posts she couldn't find him.
Giningit · 23/12/2020 09:38

[quote strawberrypip]@Giningit not even going to dignify what you said with a thought out response. shocking.[/quote]
I’m not trying to be harsh, just honest. They are both in the wrong.

Beefcurtains79 · 23/12/2020 09:39

I think there are some bored trolls on here, or women happily paired up with deadbeat dads who are simply desperate to excuse them, and place the blame on the mothers and even children.
Ignore, ignore, ignore.

HollowTalk · 23/12/2020 09:40

He's a disgrace, OP. He's happy to acknowledge you now that you don't require any effort or money. I wouldn't have anything to do with him.

AlwaysCheddar · 23/12/2020 09:40

He sounds like a deadbeat dad.

What about his parents? Do they know you exist?

Original poster
strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 09:45

All his family, bar the 4 youngest children, know i exist. They said ultimately they stood by him because he was their concern. That's fine, i don't particularly want anything from them. I'm just struggling a bit to see how we can move forward in the way he is suggesting because i am having a hard time getting past his attitude.

I don't want to deprive my daughter of knowing half a family either but tbh, my current mindset is he wouldn't be a great addition anyway.

I also feel really sorry for my mum now I have heard the story from him. 21, trying to find this guy, who gave her a false address, to tell him that she was pregnant. I'm not saying she was sensible or that it was thought out but it happened. And credit to her, she stood by what had happened, did it on her own and by all accounts has been a fantastic mum.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 23/12/2020 09:46

Tour mum was daft to think she could keep a man she barely knew by getting pregnant and your Dad was a dad for giving her the wrong address. Neither comes out of this well so dont judge either of them.

BUT... the above was years ago.

People grow up. If you want to give him a chance, go gently

hadesinahalfahell · 23/12/2020 09:47

@Giningit how can you say they are both wrong? The absent father who has contributed nothing to his daughters life is on par with the mother who raised her on her own? Are you sure?

MayYouLiveInInterestingTimes · 23/12/2020 09:51

Op, could I add that I admire your dignified responses to the twits on here who clearly want women’s rights to be totally eroded and remove any and all responsibility from men.

You are clearly intelligent and articulate and deserve more than wastrels in your life. If you want to meet up with this man again to give him a chance, I would seriously consider taking a leaf out of his book and giving him fake, or at least easily disposable, communications details. Any decent man would recognise that women need to protect themselves and children from strange men, especially of proven doubtful character.

Beefcurtains79 · 23/12/2020 09:52

@Giningit how can you say they are both wrong? The absent father who has contributed nothing to his daughters life is on par with the mother who raised her on her own? Are you sure?

I know, some of these responses are making me sick in my mouth. ‘Trapped a man to get pregnant’. Who are these people?

Honeyroar · 23/12/2020 09:52

I think you should tell him that you don’t see the point of trying to build a relationship with someone who doesn’t see or admit to the wrong they did. Yes lots of men probably did what he did, but that doesn’t make it right. And if he swans up saying he’s got nothing to be sorry for and he’s a wonderful father then he’s still worthless. Even if walking away and not being involved was the right thing for him at the time, he should at least now understand that he probably caused a lot of anguish and wonder for you over the years, and if he can’t apologise for that it’s pointless trying to pick up the pieces now. He’s just seeming to expect you to go “oh daddy it’s wonderful you’re here, la la la”.

Beefcurtains79 · 23/12/2020 09:54

The family sound like scum as well, wild horses wouldn’t keep me away from my grandchild.
But then they raised him, a man who I assume never even paid a penny for you so that tells you all you need to know.

AlwaysCheddar · 23/12/2020 09:55

Given you have a kid now can you imagine not having anything to do with your dd? I’m sure the answer is no, but your dad chose to have nothing to do with you throughout his life, so that speaks volumes about him. I’d make your family you, your dd and partner plus your mum. Forgot about your dad and try not to get hurt. But stop seeking answers, as you’ll never get the truth.

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