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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not know how to respond

155 replies

strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 09:05

hello,

I recently got in touch with my biological father again. We spoke on the phone.

Quick background - him and my mum were in their early 20s, not in a relationship and didn't know each other fantastically well but knew of the other through their friends. I was conceived on one night they spent together. He decided he wanted no involvement as he was in his words "having the time of his life" and "did not want to bring up a baby with someone he didn't really know".

He also said by the time he found out (my mum was about 5 months gone) there was nothing he could do anyway. I'm assuming he meant abortion/adoption conversations etc. and he said that what was he supposed to do, he had no way of knowing that could of happened. I said well, to be fair, you and my mum must of known when you were having unprotected sex that it was a possibility and he replied saying well millions of people do that so that's not really a good point strawberrypip.

The guy now wants to try and build a relationship with me and my daughter but I feel like he's not acknowledged anything? I'm also a bit gobsmacked by the millions of people do it so he doesn't really have anything to feel bad about comment...

I don't really know what to say

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 17:53

@StillCoughingandLaughing vile. my early point stands - go away and be a twat on someone elses thread. that right there has just shown exactly what your intentions were. more ful me for biting.

OP posts:
wingingit987 · 23/12/2020 17:57

Oh god who at 21 hasn't made mistakes.

I didn't realize that it's ok for a bloke to choose to walk away from a kid he didn't want. I personally wouldn't have anything to do with him.

All the hate on your mum is pretty awful.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 23/12/2020 17:58

@StillCoughingandLaughing vile. my early point stands

Right back at you.

Original poster
strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 18:01

@StillCoughingandLaughing wonderful. moving swiftly on.

@wingingit987 tbh, was probably my mistake for posting it in AIBU. you often get them all come on. I did get warned before that AIBU is essentially online fight club lol.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 23/12/2020 18:02

OP,
Your mum sounds like a great woman, who got on with things when faced with a very difficult situation.

She sounds like she raised a lovely young woman.

You suit yourself completely.

Just like he did.

Flowers
Original poster
strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 18:08

@billy1966 thank you!

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 23/12/2020 18:20

OP I seriously think I'd just leave it. Sadly you aren't going to find what you want from this man.

He knew about you but never seriously tried to find you. Your mum has done everything financially and emotionally for you throughout your life.

I'd have maybe given him the benefit of the doubt if he'd been the one to contact you but he didn't even do that.

He sounds selfish, insensitive and immature.
If he gets in touch tell him you have done a lot of thinking and you've decided you don't want to build a relationship with him right now and leave it at that.

Surround yourself with the people who love and care for you and have been by your side.

SkedaddIe · 23/12/2020 18:26

I think it was useful, at least you got 100% confirmation that the male sperm donor involved in your conception was selfish and a coward.

Imo there's always 2 sides to every story so there was always the faintest outside chance that there was something your mother didn't tell you. Maybe now you can get some closure seeing proof of what an incredible person your mum is @strawberrypip

Thanks
Original poster
strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 18:29

thanks - I think she would really appreciate seeing some of the nicer stuff said about her. she has felt guilt over it for a long time.

OP posts:
CharlotteRose90 · 23/12/2020 18:35

This shit happens and it’s shit. Sounds like it was a casual fling to him and when your got pregnant he bolted. To be honest I’d be asking for the years of child support he owes your mum other then that he would get told to piss off.

Capetownmothercity · 23/12/2020 18:57

Get his family medical history & his nhs number, then kick him into touch.
My birth father is out there somewhere. I dont want him in my life after the way he treated me and my mother, but i would like his medical history for my daughters sake. Is annoying to only have my maternal line.

SignOnTheWindow · 23/12/2020 18:59

@strawberrypip your mum sounds bloody awesome.

To be brutally honest, it doesn't sound like pursuing a relationship with your father is going to add happiness to your life. Life is too short to waste emotional energy.

SignOnTheWindow · 23/12/2020 19:01

@strawberrypip

thanks - I think she would really appreciate seeing some of the nicer stuff said about her. she has felt guilt over it for a long time.
It sounds like she has spent years protecting you from being constantly let down and disappointed.
alwayslearning789 · 24/12/2020 12:40

19:01SignOnTheWindow

strawberrypip
"thanks - I think she would really appreciate seeing some of the nicer stuff said about her. she has felt guilt over it for a long time."

SignOnTheWindow
"It sounds like she has spent years protecting you from being constantly let down and disappointed."

Of all the people she would want/need to hear it from.... from you would be priceless...

That You see what she has done and You are amazed and proud of Your MumStar

TaraR2020 · 26/12/2020 11:03

@strawberrypip - your mum has nothing to feel guilty about, she has done nothing wrong. She gave birth to you and has been a great mother- honestly the misogyny on this thread is outstanding! I wonder how many people writing have also had unprotected sex? It's not a crime and the only time a resulting child loses out is when a parent fails to do the right thing by them. And it's clear which your parents failed here.

I hope you're mum can finally let her sense of guilt or shame go, they are unwarranted feelings and it would be wonderful if she could start the new year lightened of their burden!

Di11y · 26/12/2020 11:42

Millions risk unprotected sex but if it results in a child its what they do then that matters. I'm sorry, he sounds like a douche bag.

Original poster
strawberrypip · 26/12/2020 16:56

thanks both - he says this is how he "coped" with it over the years, by telling himself that millions of people do it.

hilarious that someone further up thread said I sounded judgemental of him Grin

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 26/12/2020 17:04

Millions of people do not do it. I know of a 19 year old boy who had twins and stepped up to the plate and is a devoted father although the relationship did not last long. Most try to circumnavigate tricky waters for the sake of the children they have brought into the world. It's called being a grown up.

Hope you leave him to it. Merry Christmas!

Original poster
strawberrypip · 26/12/2020 17:27

@bringbacksideburns yeah, the crazy thing is when he was saying it to me he made it all sound so reasonable and then some of the responses I had here made me question myself!

then I saw my grandad yesterday who said simply "he can fuck off. doesnt deserve a relationship with you, useless bastard" which I think sums it up nicely!

merry christmas to you too

OP posts:
MorganKitten · 26/12/2020 17:29

@strawberrypip I’ve gone through the same thing, I’m happy to DM you about it and offer the random advice I have.

Original poster
strawberrypip · 26/12/2020 17:32

@MorganKitten sure! sorry to hear you also are in this crappy situation

OP posts:
MorganKitten · 26/12/2020 18:25

[quote strawberrypip]@MorganKitten sure! sorry to hear you also are in this crappy situation[/quote]
On its way!

AlwaysCheddar · 26/12/2020 19:26

Did he not. Intact you over Christmas? What a dick. Your grandpa summed it up well.

AlwaysCheddar · 26/12/2020 19:27

Did he not contact you over Xmas?

PrincessNutNutRoast · 26/12/2020 20:00

You owe him the square root of fuck all, so don't consider any obligations to him in your decision. Do whatever is best for YOU.