to not know how to respond

[strawberrypip]

hello,

I recently got in touch with my biological father again. We spoke on the phone.

Quick background - him and my mum were in their early 20s, not in a relationship and didn't know each other fantastically well but knew of the other through their friends. I was conceived on one night they spent together. He decided he wanted no involvement as he was in his words "having the time of his life" and "did not want to bring up a baby with someone he didn't really know".

He also said by the time he found out (my mum was about 5 months gone) there was nothing he could do anyway. I'm assuming he meant abortion/adoption conversations etc. and he said that what was he supposed to do, he had no way of knowing that could of happened. I said well, to be fair, you and my mum must of known when you were having unprotected sex that it was a possibility and he replied saying well millions of people do that so that's not really a good point strawberrypip.

The guy now wants to try and build a relationship with me and my daughter but I feel like he's not acknowledged anything? I'm also a bit gobsmacked by the millions of people do it so he doesn't really have anything to feel bad about comment...

I don't really know what to say

Also if I knew I had a grandchild out there, I’d track them down, especially now. Says a lot about them too.

I don't think there's any equivalent between a 21 year old woman who find herself pregnant, tries to inform the dad and then goes on to bring up a child very well on her own all these years, and a young man who deliberately tries to avoid responsibility!

OP, your dad is a real human and not at all flawless. He is what he is- he obviously has justified himself playing the field and doing what he did as being young and stupid, he was obviously young and stupid with someone else at the same time as you have a half-sibling of the same age. So, that was his pattern of behaviour at the time.

Whether you can build anything or not- I don't think this is going to be sorted out over the phone or in one conversation. I also think you may have to brace yourself, he's not going to say all the 'right things' or say what you want to hear necessarily. He's him, and that might mean he's still a bit of an idiot about it all! People aren't all good or all bad. He's been a good dad to some of his children and really incredibly bad to you, and medium to his other older child. He's a mixed bag. I think you are either going to have to accept that this is going to be a complex thing, and he's going to not necessarily be the dream dad you'd like, or it is going to be too hurtful for you.

It sucks, and some of these replies probably aren't helping, can you get some support for yourself to work out what to do- from friends, a counsellor?

I am getting mixed response in real life too so it's not a total shock. My partner and brother think I should completely sack him off, they couldn't imagine behaving like him etc.

Some of my friends are saying I may regret it if I don't try. It's a hard one. It would of been slightly easier had he actually acknowledged how it could of been for me rather than just thinking about himself. I also don't know how he can say what could I do because he was the one who gave a false address. If you go around having unprotected sex then its always a possibility. Of course, my mum did too, but like I said at least she had the decency to stand by what the outcome ended up being (me). What some of these people don't realise or probably can't understand, is that my mum and her family had to spend much of my younger years convincing me that it was no reflection on me as I struggled with in when I was a teen. Now, I can see it for what it is - it was him and his own selfishness.

He's an arsehole. He doesn't feel responsible for you in any way, doesn't care that you grew up without a dad or any of it. He wont appologise.

If you want a relationship with him then you have to draw a line in the sand, and leave everything else behind. Personally I'd tell him to do one. You haven't needed him up to now, you dont need him.

At the moment I think you need time. For you to be able to make a long term decision you need to get to know him and his side of the family better. If, as I suspect you will, you realise that he brings nothing to your life you will be able to walk away knowing that fact rather than wondering what if. Whatever you decide to do, I would strongly suggest you keep your child out of the equation for now.

Why you don’t you leave it and see what happens? If he wanted to try to have some sort of relationship, he’d surely at least send you a text saying merry Christmas on Xmas day. See if he does that and take it from there.

Did he contact you or did you contact him?

From what you have said he wasn't interested at the time your mum was pregnant. He's never tried to contact you and he's been fairly honest when you asked him about his "relationship" with your mum and his reasons for leaving her in the lurch. Those reasons don't exactly cover him in glory as a great guy.
I can't really understand why you expect remorse that he doesn't feel.
He doesn't care. If he apologises it's not going to be genuine is it?
It doesn't matter who said what to whom back in the day. Whether your mum was naive is completely irrelevant to this situation.
Your father chose not to bother which makes him an arse. It's no reflection on you, how could it be? He rejected fatherhood before you were born.
Personally I would not want to know, your kids will not miss a bunch of arseholes.
You turned out well in spite of him and no doubt your mum did a great job.

He apparently toyed with the idea of getting in contact when I was 18 but, the irony, he was not sure I would want to know so left it to see if I got in contact with him. Which I did, a year later at 19. I then didn't hear from him again until me and his other child of similar age got in contact.

I thought it’s happened somewhere in 1970s. I was surprised that it was 1995. Your Mum and biological Dad are about the same age as I and my DH. Yes, there was a lot of naiveness and unprotected sex but the understanding of responsibilities on the male side was generally much better. I know a lot of people who had one night stand/ short flings which ended up in pregnancies.Some of them ended up in marriages (and a few made it a good one), some in abortions, in 2 cases children were born and parents, and grandparents as well, continued to be in contact and had relationship with the child. And I’m not from UK originally, I would rather say that my country of birth was behind UK with its attitude.
Your biological father sounds like a complete twat who has not matured at all. I would be very careful about any ties/ relationships with him. I would ask him how does he see this relationship and what his expectations are? Also what’s your mother view ?
Was it you or him who initiated contact by the way?

The complete lack of remorse would be enough for me not to have him in my life. Tough shit if he wants to play happy families after all these years. Too little too late.

Op this sounds like how he has tried to justify it to himself over the years, and he has clearly thought about you.

I’d meet him, see if you can have a relationship, see how you feel, take it slowly.

I'm sorry you've recieved some really vile responses here OP, I cannot believe how nasty people are being about your mother (who sounds like as soon as she found out she was pregnant behaved in an extremely responsible way).

My personal advice, based on not being involved in the situation - don't bother. He has made absolutely no effort to be in your life, rejected you twice and even now will not accept any responsibility for his actions (24 is really not that young to have a child). His family knew about you and your dd and also made no effort. They don't sound like the type of people that are worth having in one's life. But I know this is all very easy to say when it's not me going through it and, despite what people say, the ties of blood can still feel very strong regardless of how our family members treat us. Wishing you all the best OP.

@Nottherealslimshady

He's an arsehole. He doesn't feel responsible for you in any way, doesn't care that you grew up without a dad or any of it. He wont appologise.

If you want a relationship with him then you have to draw a line in the sand, and leave everything else behind. Personally I'd tell him to do one. You haven't needed him up to now, you dont need him.

👍 Spot on.

He’s taking zero responsibility for the whole thing and not reflected on what he could have done differently. Then trying to cover himself in glory talking about what a good dad he is to his other children. It’s also concerning he has 6 children scattered round the place

@AlwaysCheddar

Bloody hell your responses are massively unfair. A decent man would have stepped up and helped raise the child even if it wasn't a situation he would have chosen. He put himself first even though the situation was of his own making. It's natural that OP would like some acknowledgement from him that he failed her before she starts a relationship with him.

@Giningit

I’m afraid that both your dad and mum are in the wrong here. Your dad for shirking his responsibilities all these years, however I put the blame more on your mum’s side. She sounds like she was incredibly immature and naive back then. Why did she have unprotected sex with a man she barely knew?Why not get the morning after pill? Pregnancy was always a risk. When she fell pregnant, you say she was hoping that they’d be a thing. Wow! So using the pregnancy to trap him? In her situation I’d have told him earlier and had an abortion, especially when he didn’t want to know. Not for his benefit but for her benefit.

Wow. Cannot believe someone would say directly to somebody that they blame their mother for not aborting them. Wtf.

OP, your dad is clearly a deadbeat. Good luck if you do go forward with it - I second the advice to take it very very slowly. I have kind-of been there and my main advice is to look after your own feelings (and those of your closest family) above all else. Don't worry if you 'offend' him in some way. He's not worth the headspace. You are.

I think you should write him a letter. Tell him how you struggled as a teen with feelings of worthlessness and how your mum worked hard to build you up. Tell him the way he doesn’t seem to understand how your past, and his part in it, affects you makes you wonder whether there’s any point trying. Tell him just because he thinks he’s been a perfect father with his other kids it doesn’t mean he can just pick up this new relationship and act as though the past didn’t happen. He made his choices at a young age for his own reasons, that’s fair enough, but he’s got to understand that those choices massively affected the child he left behind. Fact. If he’s not big enough to try and understand/work through that there really isn’t any point trying to go forward. He’s given you far too much upsetting information that you probably didn’t need. See what he comes back with.

Sadly some people aren’t good enough to understand this. My friend’s mum was like this. She left her with her dad aged 12 and could never understand why my friend wasn’t delighted to see her and act like nothing was wrong when she swanned back into her life every five years or so. They never ended up having a relationship because her mother could never see what she’d done wrong and thought my friend was being cold!! She didn’t even make my friend’s funeral (despite sending a card saying she was beside herself with geief).

@strawberrypip I would struggle to try to move forward with any sort of relationship with him without any sign of apology or remorse to be honest but I think I would also be curious. I know of 2 people in a similar situation to you , one got an e mail from their dad ( after the mum tracked him down as son was asking questions) saying let's send e mails first take it slow there was no acknowledgement of how he had treated the mother years before . The son decided not to bother and never made contact again. The other got a fb request from her dad that was it , she ignored him. Both of them feel they had managed quit nicely without these selfish men why did they need them now. I would just be concerned that he could hurt you through lack of emotion regarding his previous behaviour, tread carefully.

It doesn't sound like he has matured, OP, and it sounds like you've made it clear to him about your feelings about him not stepping up and taking responsibility and he is dismissing them. He doesn't sound like a great person and it could be that asking to have a relationship now is just him trying to make himself seems a nicer person than he is. Maybe just for show.

I have to say, though, 1995 isn't actually that long ago in terms of social habits around sex. From what I read on here the level of casual sex people are having hasn't changed between then and now, it's just that the method of hookups is different (no Tinder then, for a start!
You met people in person). There was PLENTY of information and education about unprotected sex. Remember this was well after the AIDS "use a condom" campaign in the 80s, and I remember the mid 90s as being a time when education about STDs really became prevalent. And unless you are in a country like Ireland where sex in unmarried relationships was still frowned on then contraception and the morning-after pill was readily available. There wasn't actually any excuse to be naiive around pregnancy like there may have been, say, in the 50s or 60s.

Funnily enough I was 21 in 1995 and had a drunken night of sex with a handsome stranger (who I later found out throuough mutual acquaintances to be married and so doubly a twat). There was a condom involved (I would never have had sex without), but we were both drunk and not very responsible with it. In hindsight the sex should never have happened in those circumstances, but the next morning I did make sure that I sorted the morning after pill because I had only just graduated and wasn't able to support a child at that time. I pretty much also didn't want any child I would have had to have an absent father. I took some responsibility at the time whereas it sounds like your mum actually wasn't too bothered at the thought of being a parent at 21, even though that was actually quite shocking at that time (even though you might think it was the Dark Ages, being the generation above you), precisely because of the freely available sex education and contraception.

So I do think you have to acknowledge that there was incredible naivete and immaturity in both of your parents surrounding your conception and birth, although clearly your mum matured quickly and stepped up to the plate as a single parent, and your dad did not. That says a lot about the differences between them. Youthful naivete and immaturity in both vs one still being an irresponsible twat. I would leave well alone with your dad, personally.

My mum has always felt guilty I think. The situation of course wasn't ideal but I know it is doable. A friend of mine found himself in this situation 3 years ago, at 22. Had just met a girl, she was pregnant within a month. He has stood by the child even though he is not in a relationship with the mother. So I think this is probably also why his excuses don't really wash with me.

Just saw that it was you who contacted him. I wouldn’t be optimistic then. He knew all along about you, he just didn’t want responsibility. His loss. And now he wants to look good. I have no words.

Your Mum did great job raising you.
Yes, she did what she did and faced the consequences and didn’t lied. She’s not the first one who was naive. I bet he didn’t tell her: Do you know it’s just for one night as I really want to have sex atm but it’s the only reason why I’m with you.

Wow as someone whose children’s father is absent these comments disgust me, I don’t know why people are slating the ops mum for hoping the relationship would turn into more, I mean ffs don’t most women who sleep with someone hope it might develope into more?! I don’t know how people are suggesting that means she trapped him?! He didn’t use protection, he wasn’t trapped . These comments are shocking, I wonder if they are actually men

I'm more astounded by what he has come out with, the complete lack of remorse, the bigging himself up as a great father and then in the last breath saying lets see if we can have a relationship now. I can't see how we can move forward without him acknowledging the choice he made.

I'm astounded that you're astounded. I can't think what else you'd expect. Of course he's going to see it all from his POV and think the best of himself. You sought him out. As you said, he contemplated seeking you out but thought better of it, precisely because he knows he's in the wrong and would rather live in the bubble that he's a great dad and you don't exist. So when you have sought him out, he's going to want to brush over the past, not get held to account and told off for what he did. Who wants that? His defining role in your life has been not taking responsibility, so why would you expect that virtue to appear now? I'm truly sorry he is this way, but he absolutely is and you shouldn't continue your mother's naivety of believing there's some fantasy father version of him that will magically kick in. The most you could say is that he's being honest about how he sees things and not saying things just to make it better. He's being who he is and you either want a relationship with that guy or you don't. I suggest not, but you know what you can cope with.

Also have to say I agree with @CurlyhairedAssassin - I was that age in the same era and morning after pill was easy to get. Your DM knew what she was doing and naivety doesn't cover it. They're both responsible. She made a choice and stood by it, he didn't. That is the truth of it. Him making a big show of regret etc now would ring very false anyhow, wouldn't it?

He sounds despicable. I can’t have any respect for a man who willingly and completely neglects his responsibility to his child. He did none of the hard work and made none of the sacrifices in raising you. At the very least, did he even offer any support - practical or financial or emotional - to your your mother who shouldered the full responsibility for you? If not, he is definitely an arsehole. Sometimes people are more likely to be arseholes when they are young - but realise the gravity of their errors as they go on to have their own family when older! If now, with maturity, he has the grace to acknowledge and apologise for his neglect, perhaps you can forgive him and develop a relationship. If he can’t recognise and acknowledge he did you and your mother a heinous and immoral insult, it must be hard for you to have any kind of relationship with him. Ultimately he deserves nothing from you - but it’s not about him, it’s about you and if you can find any benefit to a relationship with him now.

My children’s father who I booted out when he sold the baby’s nappies for drugs has recently passed away, I have literally just left my oldest at the station enroute to see his body before his funeral tomorrow.

He last saw her when she was 8, she is 26 now and totally heartbroken at all the missed moments and for the fact she just wants her dad back.

Really hope things work out for you.