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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not know how to respond

155 replies

strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 09:05

hello,

I recently got in touch with my biological father again. We spoke on the phone.

Quick background - him and my mum were in their early 20s, not in a relationship and didn't know each other fantastically well but knew of the other through their friends. I was conceived on one night they spent together. He decided he wanted no involvement as he was in his words "having the time of his life" and "did not want to bring up a baby with someone he didn't really know".

He also said by the time he found out (my mum was about 5 months gone) there was nothing he could do anyway. I'm assuming he meant abortion/adoption conversations etc. and he said that what was he supposed to do, he had no way of knowing that could of happened. I said well, to be fair, you and my mum must of known when you were having unprotected sex that it was a possibility and he replied saying well millions of people do that so that's not really a good point strawberrypip.

The guy now wants to try and build a relationship with me and my daughter but I feel like he's not acknowledged anything? I'm also a bit gobsmacked by the millions of people do it so he doesn't really have anything to feel bad about comment...

I don't really know what to say

OP posts:

Pinkdelight3 · 23/12/2020 11:38

That sounds very wise. Protect yourself and be with people who deserve your love.

Rainbowshine · 23/12/2020 11:40

I think in your shoes that I would use the Christmas period as a reason to say to him that you need some time to consider his response to the initial contact. Say that you will be busy over that time with your own family (a not so subtle way of showing that you don’t include him in that group at the moment) and this is actually very difficult for you to process and understand his actions in how he treated you and your mum over the years.

And, actually, maybe having some time, and some counselling (could be through an employee assistance helpline if your work have one) you will reach your own conclusion about what level of contact you have with him.

I would steer clear of asking family and friends, make your own decisions based on what’s good for you without thinking about how they may judge it.

It can’t be straightforward at all, I think your situation is similar to some adoptees who are put in contact with birth families after years and it’s not the Disney or Hallmark movie happy ending at all. What makes anyone think that you can have a close and trusting relationship immediately in the circumstances? You wouldn’t suddenly have that with a stranger, why should it happen simply because you share some DNA?

Merryoldgoat · 23/12/2020 11:41

My DH and I got together when he was 24. If I’d got pregnant and he behaved like a douche his parents wouldn’t have condoned it at all. They’d have tried to have a respectful relationship with me and a full and loving one with their grandchild.

They could’ve supported him to be involved.

You’ve lost nothing as far as I can see.

RandomLondoner · 23/12/2020 11:41

I disagree that he's a shit father, on the grounds that he isn't a father. He's an unintentional sperm donor. OP is free to choos whether to try and build a relationship, or not, on that narrow foundation, but if she's thinking of him as a father, in the conventional sense, she's expecting to much.

She's unreasonable to expect him to apologise. He probably wouldn't have done what he did if he thought at the time it was wrong. He just has a different view on this. It's going to be hard enough to make a relationship work, expecting him to conform to someone else's idea of right and wrong is unrealistic. It would be self-destructive for him to try and build a relationship with someone who regarded him from the start as an arsehole who needed to prove himself. (OP is entitled to think of him as such, but it's not reasonable to do so and want to have a relationship.)

Thewithesarehere · 23/12/2020 11:46

You can probably stay in touch with your half-sibling but I don’t think your father is ever going to change.
He is never going to change and is likely not a great father to his other children either.
Forget him and move on.

2bazookas · 23/12/2020 11:55

You might say to Wonderdad "I can understand that a selfish immature manchild didn't want to be tied down to the baby you carelessly conceived and a woman you barely knew. But surely you had a moral obligation to offer childsupport to my mother. Do explain why such a caring responsible father as you claim to be, never did that. This was something you might have reconsidered when you had your own children and discovered you're a wonderdad. You could have contacted my mother then and offered child support or sought a relationship with me. Why didn't you?

  Maybe his other children found out in other ways that he's a selfish git/useless dad and  have gone NC, and that's why he's called in the reserve. 

 Or maybe he's broke and is going to tap you for money and a spare bed.

TonMoulin · 23/12/2020 11:55

[quote strawberrypip]@Apollo3 right. so, my whole point of this post, is to wonder why he now expects a relationship to be able to develop without anything from his side or any like of acceptance of what he did. I dont think I'm the one expecting too much.[/quote]
Seeing that you are in contact with one of your siblings but not the others (yet?), I suspect this has pushed him to try and do something so he doesn’t look crap in their eyes.

It might also be a way to calm his own guilt down. Look things aren’t that bad after all. She is still happy to talk to me and we can play happy families too.

alwayslearning789 · 23/12/2020 11:57

...."so, my whole point of this post, is to wonder why he now expects a relationship to be able to develop without anything from his side or any like of acceptance of what he did. I dont think I'm the one expecting too much."

He expects it because HE wants to feel better about what he did. Selfish and Self Centred as he was in the very beginning.

You, your daughter and your Mum do Not deserve another minute of the pain he brings.

Look forward not backwards.

He made his choices - now you make yours do what is best for you.

And lastly - Hats off to your mum who has done a fabulous job. That is what matters...

I hope you make peace with yourself, let go and enjoy time with the people who have always cared for and loved you. Best Wishes OP

alwayslearning789 · 23/12/2020 12:00

Agreed @TonMoulin

Original poster

strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 12:12

@RandomLondoner regardless of how i got here, he has a responsibility as to where he puts his sperm no? at the age of 24, presumably he has some idea of how babies are made.

Also, I am not the one asking for a relationship at this point he is. I think you're wrong as well to think that its unreasonable to expect an acknowledgement, an apology if you like and want a relationship. The relationship can't move forward without a little more from his side.

OP posts:

Original poster

strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 12:13

I also think, most people, can agree that what he did was wrong.

OP posts:

pumpkinpie01 · 23/12/2020 12:26

I think there will be resentment on your side if you have contact without an apology /explanation for his appalling behaviour all these years. Out of interest can I ask what your mum thinks please ?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 23/12/2020 12:27

I recently got in touch with my biological father again.

He apparently toyed with the idea of getting in contact when I was 18 but, the irony, he was not sure I would want to know so left it to see if I got in contact with him. Which I did, a year later at 19. I then didn't hear from him again until me and his other child of similar age got in contact.

I'm just re-reading your posts and these 2 stand out for me. It seems like you and your half sibling have been the ones doing the running here. Even when you made contact at 19 you didn't hear from him again until you both chased him again. If he was really wanting a relationship with you both he would have made an effort at the point you first got in touch with him. He was a grown man in his 40s by then so no excuse not to - none.

If I were you, I would jib him off, but stay in touch with your half-sibling, because you both know how the other feels about it all and could provide some support for each other. They could be the only person you need in your life from your dad's side.

Vitaminsss · 23/12/2020 12:29

He sounds like a cunt.

It’s one thing that he majorly fucked up by shunning you back then, but it’s another thing that he isn’t apologetic or remorseful for his actions now.

You’ve gone 25 years without him, you’ll be okay without him in your life.

Original poster

strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 12:40

@pumpkinpie01 My mum has said she will support whatever decision I make although she, naturally, doesn't trust him. However, she said that its possible people can change and it's up to me if I believe he has. Based on his current attitude - I don't think he has. We will see.

OP posts:

TaraR2020 · 23/12/2020 12:43

Op,

I'm not sure why there's so much shaming of your mum going on, it sounds like she's been a wonderful mother to you. Neither do I understand the arguments in defence of him: he wasn't 'trapped' into having a baby and anyone who has unprotected sex is responsible for the consequences of it.

Your biological dad was an adult when he chose not to be part of your life and since raising his own children he still seems to have no concept of how damaging this has been to you or how much you need to hear some form of affection from him.

It seems like you have no desire to allow him a role in your life now and I think you should follow your instincts. They're there for a reason so I your decision now to pursue a relationship is, I think, the right one.

I hope you have a lovely, if quiet, Christmas with your family and loved ones

TaraR2020 · 23/12/2020 12:44

*not to pursue

Original poster

strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 13:05

@TaraR2020 I guess it's easy to blame my mum. I know some who if they were me would too but it's not really her fault. She could of used something too, sure, but she hasn't shied away from her responsibilities or what the outcome was.
Thank you - and you!

OP posts:

StillCoughingandLaughing · 23/12/2020 15:26

I think he has acknowledged it, just not in the way you wanted. How can he say anything else if it's the truth? He's acknowledging the person he was then, unpalatable as it may be. He's telling you that he grew up and made the best of it with his future children and would like to get to know you.

I think this sums it up. You don’t want him to acknowledge it; you want him to apologise and beg for forgiveness. I’m not saying you’re necessarily wrong to want that - but you should probably accept that any future relationship you have with him will based on the reality of his reaction, not what you think he should have done or said.

I also think, most people, can agree that what he did was wrong.

Then why did you start this thread? You’ve got pretty defensive with anyone who hasn’t just blindly agreed with you. Were you actually just after affirmation?

Original poster

strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 17:15

@StillCoughingandLaughing just to clarify, you dont think his actions were wrong? not everything on AIBU has to have people like you on it looking for an argument.

I started the thread because I was confused about how I felt. thankfully, people on here have opened my eyes to the fact not a lot of good will probably come from a man who is patently still a very selfish human being and likely will never be who I want. so actually, I'm glad I started the thread truthfully. please find another thread to be a twat on.

OP posts:

Original poster

strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 17:16

@StillCoughingandLaughing its worrying there are people out there who give men like him a green light. seriously concerning.

OP posts:

Apollo3 · 23/12/2020 17:31

I'm not any kind of apologist for this type of man, my own father was worse.

My point is merely this: everything you know about him tells you that he's a twat who never gave two shits about you and contributed nothing to your life. If you are expecting anything at all, you are expecting too much. He's never going to give you anything you want or need.
Looking for anything at all is a recipe for disaster.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 23/12/2020 17:31

l@StillCoughingandLaughing just to clarify, you dont think his actions were wrong? not everything on AIBU has to have people like you on it looking for an argument.

You see there you go again, straight in with the ‘people like you’ comment. Do I think what he did makes him a particularly nice or noble person? No. But would you rather have had a purple prose tale about how he loved your mother dearly and longed to be in your life, when actually the truth was he didn’t know your mother was pregnant until five months in and wasn’t thrilled when he found out? Of course it must have been incredibly hard to hear - but you can make your decision based on the truth rather than flannel.

please find another thread to be a twat on.

An utterly unnecessary comment that says a lot more about you than it does me.

Original poster

strawberrypip · 23/12/2020 17:41

@StillCoughingandLaughing oh come on. you are coming at someone on here who has evidently already had a tough time, clearly looking for a response. please dont then play the victim card.

I wasnt the one looking for anything, that's why I'm getting defensive because people are not reading my posts. he wants a relationship or atleast that is what he is saying. all I said was I dont know how to take or respond to that based on the attitude he has. like I said, I dont think it is me expecting too much. I think it is astounding someone could think we can forget the past 25 years and that I can accept the fact he is fairly emotionless towards it. if you read my opening and subsequent posts you would know that.

OP posts:

StillCoughingandLaughing · 23/12/2020 17:49

@StillCoughingandLaughing oh come on. you are coming at someone on here who has evidently already had a tough time, clearly looking for a response. please dont then play the victim card.

I came on here to comment on your thread, like everyone else does. You’re just sore that you didn’t get the universal ‘Oh hun! ’ response you were after.

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