To not want him to bring the wine home?

[Ecdysis]

I'm not an alcoholic but I do have an unhealthy relationship with wine. I realised in the first lockdown I was becoming dependent and after lots of thinking about it I quit in October. Much prefer not drinking and husband, who doesn't drink very much (the odd whiskey) agrees that not drinking has had a positive effect on my life.

I've asked him not to bring the wine he has been given as gifts from work home, however he has and I've gone back to drinking. He's says as an adult I should be able to have the willpower not to drink, I agree I should but I don't when wine is in the house (I wouldn't go and get some from the shop but when it's sat there I revert back to old habits)

AIBU to expect him to listen to me and leave the wine at work/give it away as he doesn't even drink wine and I don't want it?

The problem is exactly the DH bringing the wine home

No, it’s not. The problem is the op can’t control her need for wine if it’s in the house. The husband bringing home wine, simoly was her trigger to drink. The root cause, the fundamental problem is her need for it. Which she has understood, accepted and tried to resolve.

However after three four months of abstinence, she still can’t control the need, so can never have wine in her home, and her husband it seems now understands that.

Bloody hell mumsnetters! Quit with calling the OP an alcoholic! Its such an unhelpful and out dated term. Do you call ex smokers 'smokeaholics'? OP if you are still here get yourself a copy of Alcohol Lied to Me by Craig Beck. It changes the way you look at alcohol so you would never need willpower again. I'm an ex drinker (not an alcoholic) and I have been sitting in the house with gifted wine for over a fortnight. I've just regifted it. I'd rather drink tea than that shite!

If there’s chocolate or biscuits in the house, I have to eat them. If they’re not here, I’m not tempted to go out and buy them, it’s a case of out of sight, out of mind.

DH knows this and helps by not bringing chocolate and biscuits to the house, or just brings a chocolate home for himself.

This is basic caring, it does not mean there is a fundamental problem with a need for chocolate.

OP has a different temptation, it doesn’t make her an alcoholic, and she has found a strategy that has worked for her for c.3 months, but her husband has sabotaged it.

Quit with calling the OP an alcoholic! Its such an unhelpful and out dated term

Is it? Strange that’s what alcoholics attending AA, ie doing something about their addiction, call themselves. In fact standing up and owning their alcoholism is the first of the 12 steps.

Hello OP,

You sound like you're doing well and recognising your triggers and your relationship with alcohol. I wouldn't get too hung up on the term "alcoholic"...even doctors don't really use it anymore. It doesn't sound like you're not knocking back bottles and bottles on the reg, so you aren't likely to be physically dependent on alcohol but it does sound like you could have a degree of psychological dependency which could potentially turn into a physical dependency later on if left untreated. When I first heard this, I thought a psychological dependency meant it was basically "just all in your mind" but regular alcohol consumption makes changes to your brain and can completely hijack your reward system, and it takes a long time sober to correct itself. In these early days, absolutely your DH should be supporting you in this by not bringing your trigger into the house. You can't expect to become immune to temptation overnight, it takes a lot of practice. I'm 7 months sober and although there's booze in the house I still have to have it tucked away in cupboards so I'm not seeing it the whole time!

If you find the idea of AA a bit full on...why don't you try a SMART meeting on zoom and see what you think? There are all kinds of people on there, not just alcohol users. They discuss simple, practical tools and tricks to help relearn healthier habits and stop using alcohol. The have lots of advice for riding out cravings/triggers too.

Well done for recognising you need to change, it feels daunting at the start but you're a lot further along than a great deal of people! Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about it.

He was a goody asshole

You've done really well to massively reduce your drinking since October OP. I think your husband is being a bellend and not a good team player, but you've stopped before and you can do it again.

Rooting for you xxxxxxcc

However after three four months of abstinence, she still can’t control the need, so can never have wine in her home, and her husband it seems now understands that.

3 to 4 months? She’s probably never going to be able to control the need. So yes, the DH needs to not bring alcohol into the house.

We’re not asking much of someone here. All he has to do is not do something. It’s a pretty easy gig for the guy, in all honesty.

Bloody hell mumsnetters! Quit with calling the OP an alcoholic! Its such an unhelpful and out dated term. Do you call ex smokers 'smokeaholics

No, and nor will OP be called an alcoholic when she's able to control her drinking. What you're really asking is 'Do you call ex smokers who still sometimes smoke, smokers.'

@Dozer

Franticbutterfly You sound in denial about your H’s alcohol problem.

Sure, it’d be nice if people with alcohol problems could drink from time to time and be fine. But for many that’s not possible and drinking leads to relapse. Why take the risk?

In denial? Trust me, I'm not. But not everyone subscribes to the AA way. It doesn't fit everyone, there are other ways to have had a drink problem and not have one any more. Not everyone wants a label. There are other ways to be. I would happily not drink again, but then I've never been that into boozing. My husband has decided that sensible drinking on a rare occasion is possible for him, how does that mean I'm in denial? I've done years of getting him to poas, and watching every move, I honestly believe that it didn't serve me. Being that anxious about the actions of another person serves no one. What really surprises me is how much you all think that I can control him...that's the first thing that causes loved ones of alcoholics mental health problems and I spent many a year being hyper vigilant (still am a bit unfortunately) and trying not to upset him and worrying about what was going to happen and getting myself into a tizz about it (internally) all the time. I can't let him be the person who controls my happiness. If my DH decides that he can have one or two drinks with a meal or in a bar every couple of months, that's his decision, he is an individual and has his own thoughts. If he decides he is going back down the old roads again, then I would reassess my relationship with him, and of this he is well aware.

Does anybody who is suggesting that DP is the problem think that OP does not have a problem with alcohol?

@MerchantOfVenom

However after three four months of abstinence, she still can’t control the need, so can never have wine in her home, and her husband it seems now understands that.

3 to 4 months? She’s probably never going to be able to control the need. So yes, the DH needs to not bring alcohol into the house.

We’re not asking much of someone here. All he has to do is not do something. It’s a pretty easy gig for the guy, in all honesty.

Do you think being with someone with an addiction is as easy as oh I will just never bring wine in the house for the rest of my life and OP will be fine?

As I've said upthread merchant I was there myself in lockdown. But I find this simplistic.

I think you are really brave and so strong to both acknowledge and admit you feel like this.

Your husband should be supporting you and it's not fair for him to be compromising the positive changes you have made in your life

Do you think being with someone with an addiction is as easy as oh I will just never bring wine in the house for the rest of my life and OP will be fine?

Well, between bringing wine into the house, and not bringing wine into the house, I’m thinking the latter is probably the one with more chance of success.

This is relatively early days, and the OP has been having some initial success by a). recognising a problem, b). recognising a trigger, and c). implementing a solution.

And then what does her DH do?

I don't quite understand what some of you want the op to do. She's recognised she has a problem with drinking, worked out a way that works for her to stop drinking, managed it successfully. It has minimal impact on her husband, all he has to do is not being home something he doesn't actually drink. She is doing everything right. She is dealing with the problem. She is not drinking, as long as hre partner doesn't sabotage her strategy by doing the one thing he needs to avoid doing.

Some of you seem to think it doesn't count unless she can be completely comfortable with open bottles of wine in front of her. That's not how it works. She might never be comfortable with that, and that's ok. All she has to do is not drink and anything that makes that easier - especially at first, especially at times of high stress, especially when everyone is drinkig around you, especially something with minimal impact on the people around you - is a Good Thing. It's succeeding. She was managing to not drink. Why are some of you ignoring that?

The 12 steps are very helpful for some people, but not everyone. They aren't the only way to stop drinking, or the right way, or the best way for everyone. I think AA people would also be pleased the OP has found her way to stop drinking. Some of you seem to think unless she's working the steps, she isn't doing enough. She's stopped drinking, that's enough.

@MumInBrussels I haven't worked a single step and haven't had a drink in over 20 months. I value AA for those who find value in it but on mumsnet its cited as a 'must do' when there are certainly many more ways to skin a cat.
I am a huge fan of 'quit lit' and in one of my groups there is a man who tried rehab, AA, medication and was on the brink of death. One book of quit lit and he's two years sober!
AA works for many. Others follow different paths with the same success.

I think he does know how weak I am when it comes to drinking, he saw what happened when he brought it home on Friday and yet he still brings it home yesterday.

He is frustrated by my lack of willpower

yesterday he came home and again gave me the wine

Genuinely don’t understand how some people are defending this man who is actively handing wine over to his wife who has issues with alcohol and has asked him repeatedly not to. Lecturing OP on her alcoholism doesn’t address that he is sabotaging her.

@Bluntness100

The problem is exactly the DH bringing the wine home

No, it’s not. The problem is the op can’t control her need for wine if it’s in the house. The husband bringing home wine, simoly was her trigger to drink. The root cause, the fundamental problem is her need for it. Which she has understood, accepted and tried to resolve.

However after three four months of abstinence, she still can’t control the need, so can never have wine in her home, and her husband it seems now understands that.

No, he doesn’t understand that OP can’t have wine in the house. Nothing OP has posted says that he now understands that. You’ve made that up.

@MerchantOfVenom

Do you think being with someone with an addiction is as easy as oh I will just never bring wine in the house for the rest of my life and OP will be fine?

Well, between bringing wine into the house, and not bringing wine into the house, I’m thinking the latter is probably the one with more chance of success.

This is relatively early days, and the OP has been having some initial success by a). recognising a problem, b). recognising a trigger, and c). implementing a solution.

And then what does her DH do?

But the trigger is not DH bringing wine into the house. Him bringing it in enables her to drink because she is (and good on you OP) strong enough not to go out and buy it.

Her trigger for drinking is something else. DH bringing the bottle in just allows that to happen.

I understand uou need to support your partner in life but all of OPs triggers , problems and solutions are laid solely at DPs door here

Her trigger for drinking is something else. DH bringing the bottle in just allows that to happen

Wut? I'm a dependent drinker and one of my triggers is absolutely seeing wine in the house. What do you think a trigger is?

@Hangingover

Her trigger for drinking is something else. DH bringing the bottle in just allows that to happen

Wut? I'm a dependent drinker and one of my triggers is absolutely seeing wine in the house. What do you think a trigger is?

Im genuinely not being ignorant here - I also was quite dependent in lockdown.

My point is that what causes her to over drink - or need to drink if you will, is not seeing a bottle of wine , in the same way that someone who needs to comfort /over eat is not caused by seeing a cake.

These things allow the action to happen.

If OP can genuinely say that if there was just never wine in her house again she would never feel the need to drink then fair enough , but I don't think that's the reality for a lot of people who are dependent on drink.

Weirdly enough , I'm not being flippant here , but if someone is dependent on drink but is fine if there is no drink in the house , then they are not dependent !

My point is that what causes her to over drink - or need to drink if you will, is not seeing a bottle of wine

That's not a trigger. A trigger is what kicks off the start of dopamine reaction - a thought of feeling, image, place...even a smell. I find holding a wineglass triggering for example. My brain fires up because it's anticipating the arrival of lovely lovely evil booze.

Yes the CAUSES of addiction are complex and deep rooted but that's long-game stuff. You can work on that as your sobriety lengthens. In the immediate, you do what you need to do to get through each day. I'm seven months in and still every day is a challenge.

Weirdly enough , I'm not being flippant here , but if someone is dependent on drink but is fine if there is no drink in the house , then they are not dependent

This is a massive over simplification.

@Hangingover

My point is that what causes her to over drink - or need to drink if you will, is not seeing a bottle of wine

That's not a trigger. A trigger is what kicks off the start of dopamine reaction - a thought of feeling, image, place...even a smell. I find holding a wineglass triggering for example. My brain fires up because it's anticipating the arrival of lovely lovely evil booze.

Yes the CAUSES of addiction are complex and deep rooted but that's long-game stuff. You can work on that as your sobriety lengthens. In the immediate, you do what you need to do to get through each day. I'm seven months in and still every day is a challenge.

Weirdly enough , I'm not being flippant here , but if someone is dependent on drink but is fine if there is no drink in the house , then they are not dependent

This is a massive over simplification.

Congratulations on your seven months

Given your experience Hanging I'll accept your view on this - I don't think I'm simplifying it , my understanding of dependent is that you need it. But maybe I'm being ignorant here.

I'm speaking as someone who couldn't not go and buy drink in lockdown though .

I know this doesn't fit some posters narratives (and maybe they would only be happy if I wore a badge saying I'm an alcoholic) but I am not an alcoholic, I am not dependent on drink, I am not 'devious' about it as a pp presumed nor do I need to generally avoid it nor expect others to do so. I am sure that some people will just say this is an alcoholics excuse but I can assure you it's a lot harder to message friends and family saying that I am concerned that my drinking is becoming unhealthy that it ever would be telling strangers I was an alcoholic (especially now as I assume based on people here that I'm an alcoholic)
I do not expect people to change for me, I just expect my husband to do a little something for me and not bring wine home in the evenings. I have no idea why Bluntness is so quick to defend him and make up his response (I certainly do not mind that they think IABU as that is their progative) I had already asked him not to bring wine home on Friday, he did and I explained again why I didn't want it and why I do obviously have a problem as normal people would have been able to leave something they didn't want. He brought it home again Monday which prompted this post Tuesday. I appreciate those that have shared opinions, even if I do not agree as that's the point of AIBU.
Last night he brought more home, I had forewarned my neighbor and as he walked in the door I turned him round and send it to them. He can not give me a reason why he went against my wishes.

I am not ashamed of myself, I realised that wine was becoming a habit and that somewhere along the line my relationship with it had changed, I do also think that I could have become an alcoholic if I had continued, and I fully admit that my problem with saying no is my problem. Hangingover explains my trigger feelings very well, I wouldn't be thinking or wanting wine but the action of him coming home from work, handing me wine is just the main part of the routine that started my unhealthy problem. It is much like those who say they eat chocolates when they are given to them although they don't want them.
I think, given that my break didn't help I will always have a problem with wine and by acknowledging that, and being open with my family and friends (even my mil who I've just called to ask to speak to her son, maybe she can make him realise, she has been brilliant about it and thinks he is a dick) I hope that it stays as a problem rather than becoming a bigger more complex issue. There is no back story to why I drink other than I like the taste and the way it made a boring lockdown evening bareable within minimum effort, I do not think I would have been here if lockdown didn't happen as my life was too busy for wine to become a habit.