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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to bring the wine home?

299 replies

Ecdysis · 23/12/2020 06:09

I'm not an alcoholic but I do have an unhealthy relationship with wine. I realised in the first lockdown I was becoming dependent and after lots of thinking about it I quit in October. Much prefer not drinking and husband, who doesn't drink very much (the odd whiskey) agrees that not drinking has had a positive effect on my life.

I've asked him not to bring the wine he has been given as gifts from work home, however he has and I've gone back to drinking. He's says as an adult I should be able to have the willpower not to drink, I agree I should but I don't when wine is in the house (I wouldn't go and get some from the shop but when it's sat there I revert back to old habits)

AIBU to expect him to listen to me and leave the wine at work/give it away as he doesn't even drink wine and I don't want it?

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 24/12/2020 12:20

Last night he brought more home, I had forewarned my neighbor and as he walked in the door I turned him round and send it to them. He can not give me a reason why he went against my wishes.

He is trying to undermine you. That is a really shitty thing to do. And who keeps giving him lots of wine? Are you sure he isn't buying it himself?

Original poster
Ecdysis · 24/12/2020 12:36

@Ginfordinner

Last night he brought more home, I had forewarned my neighbor and as he walked in the door I turned him round and send it to them. He can not give me a reason why he went against my wishes.

He is trying to undermine you. That is a really shitty thing to do. And who keeps giving him lots of wine? Are you sure he isn't buying it himself?

It no more than last year so sure he isn't buying BUT you've made a good point, he's not bringing the chocolates he also gets given as it's only him that eats them, and he doesn't like to eat them just because they are at home.
OP posts:
Covidrelapse · 24/12/2020 12:44

I haven’t RTFT but I think you are unreasonable. I know you acknowledge you have a problem with wine but I think you’re playing it down. To not be able to resist it if it’s in the house whilst knowing you have a problem with it suggests you need more help than not having it in the house.
If he was given the wine from colleagues it would look incredibly ungrateful (embarrassingly so) to give it away in the office. Food banks round here don’t accept alcohol. This is your problem for him to support you in getting support for but I disagree he should be worrying about how to get rid of unwanted wine when you’re not fully acknowledging the extent of the problem.

unmarkedbythat · 24/12/2020 13:00

If you cannot refrain from drinking wine that is in your house, I don't think "but I don't feel compelled to drink vodka so I can't be an alcoholic" flies, tbh. If I were your DH I would be so pissed off with your thinking about this that I might consider bringing wine into the house just to say to you "look at the joke of this situation, you are in this sort of state because there is wine in the house but you really think the problem behavior here is MINE?" I mean I probably wouldn't, but I can see getting so fed up with a partner's insistence that she cannot have a substance in the house without consuming it and bringing it into the house is a terrible evil but she can't possibly be an addict that I'd want to.

Ideasplease322 · 24/12/2020 13:02

@unmarkedbythat

If you cannot refrain from drinking wine that is in your house, I don't think "but I don't feel compelled to drink vodka so I can't be an alcoholic" flies, tbh. If I were your DH I would be so pissed off with your thinking about this that I might consider bringing wine into the house just to say to you "look at the joke of this situation, you are in this sort of state because there is wine in the house but you really think the problem behavior here is MINE?" I mean I probably wouldn't, but I can see getting so fed up with a partner's insistence that she cannot have a substance in the house without consuming it and bringing it into the house is a terrible evil but she can't possibly be an addict that I'd want to.
Oh dear! Let’s hope in real life you are but more sympathetic and understanding.
MumInBrussels · 24/12/2020 13:13

He's still doing it, even after you've told him explicitly not to and why not? He's being an utter arsehole. Is he normally this much of a dick about things that are important to you, or is it just alcohol? Does he have a drinking problem of his own that he's not willing to acknowledge? It really isn't a complicated thing you're asking of him, he ought to be able to manage this.

Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 13:15

@unmarkedbythat

If you cannot refrain from drinking wine that is in your house, I don't think "but I don't feel compelled to drink vodka so I can't be an alcoholic" flies, tbh. If I were your DH I would be so pissed off with your thinking about this that I might consider bringing wine into the house just to say to you "look at the joke of this situation, you are in this sort of state because there is wine in the house but you really think the problem behavior here is MINE?" I mean I probably wouldn't, but I can see getting so fed up with a partner's insistence that she cannot have a substance in the house without consuming it and bringing it into the house is a terrible evil but she can't possibly be an addict that I'd want to.
I'm sure that would go well.
MumInBrussels · 24/12/2020 13:15

@unmarkedbythat

If you cannot refrain from drinking wine that is in your house, I don't think "but I don't feel compelled to drink vodka so I can't be an alcoholic" flies, tbh. If I were your DH I would be so pissed off with your thinking about this that I might consider bringing wine into the house just to say to you "look at the joke of this situation, you are in this sort of state because there is wine in the house but you really think the problem behavior here is MINE?" I mean I probably wouldn't, but I can see getting so fed up with a partner's insistence that she cannot have a substance in the house without consuming it and bringing it into the house is a terrible evil but she can't possibly be an addict that I'd want to.
Well, let's hope no one in your life ever suffers from addiction issues then, given the level of support you'd be offering.
innercitysumo · 24/12/2020 13:15

Op, I do not think people are being purposely unkind. But you are an alcoholic. Denying this profusely doesn't help. Until you actually admit and see this as a real problem, I don't think anything will help. Have you considered reaching out for help? No one will think badly of you, admitting the issue is half the battle.

Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 13:36

@innercitysumo

Op, I do not think people are being purposely unkind. But you are an alcoholic. Denying this profusely doesn't help. Until you actually admit and see this as a real problem, I don't think anything will help. Have you considered reaching out for help? No one will think badly of you, admitting the issue is half the battle.
I agree. But PP think that her reliance on not drinking by banning DH from bringing it in I'd the equivalent of accessing help.
Original poster
Ecdysis · 24/12/2020 13:37

@unmarkedbythat

If you cannot refrain from drinking wine that is in your house, I don't think "but I don't feel compelled to drink vodka so I can't be an alcoholic" flies, tbh. If I were your DH I would be so pissed off with your thinking about this that I might consider bringing wine into the house just to say to you "look at the joke of this situation, you are in this sort of state because there is wine in the house but you really think the problem behavior here is MINE?" I mean I probably wouldn't, but I can see getting so fed up with a partner's insistence that she cannot have a substance in the house without consuming it and bringing it into the house is a terrible evil but she can't possibly be an addict that I'd want to.
If this is how he feels then what's the point of being my husband. I've admitted to everyone that I have a problem, I've told our friends and family. I've told him. I'm not asking him to stop drinking, for fuck sake I am reaching out for help. That's what I'm asking of him, I'm asking him to help me with the one trigger that I haven't got control of.
OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 13:38

@unmarkedbythat I understand that , and I do feel for you, but I think the issue is that with these sentiments you are blaming DH for your drinking.

Dozer · 24/12/2020 13:39

Have you sought outside help for your alcohol problem?

Original poster
Ecdysis · 24/12/2020 13:40

I know you all just see this as confirmation, but AA isn't a magic wand either. It will give support to change the relationship with alcohol, I'm reading the self help lit, I'm questioning why I have an issue and admiting it to people.

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 13:41

@Covidrelapse

I haven’t RTFT but I think you are unreasonable. I know you acknowledge you have a problem with wine but I think you’re playing it down. To not be able to resist it if it’s in the house whilst knowing you have a problem with it suggests you need more help than not having it in the house. If he was given the wine from colleagues it would look incredibly ungrateful (embarrassingly so) to give it away in the office. Food banks round here don’t accept alcohol. This is your problem for him to support you in getting support for but I disagree he should be worrying about how to get rid of unwanted wine when you’re not fully acknowledging the extent of the problem.
This is what I've been trying to get at. This this this.

Having said that. I don't think she's playing it down if she as she claims can walk past a wine aisle and not buy it. That's also the bit that makes me feel for DH.

Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 13:42

@Ecdysis

I know you all just see this as confirmation, but AA isn't a magic wand either. It will give support to change the relationship with alcohol, I'm reading the self help lit, I'm questioning why I have an issue and admiting it to people.
We aren't saying it is. But despite what posters are telling you , AA would take issue with you blaming others for your drinking.
Dozer · 24/12/2020 13:42

Few posters have mentioned AA. There are a range of alcohol services/approaches.

Original poster
Ecdysis · 24/12/2020 13:42

@Dozer

Have you sought outside help for your alcohol problem?
I've asked before, but seriously what do you think outside help will be able to offer in my situation.
OP posts:
Shinylikeglass · 24/12/2020 13:43

Go out for a nice walk, with DH and leave a bottle on all the neighbours' doorsteps.

I think it would be difficult not to bring it home, if it was given as gifts.

Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 13:43

@ecdysis but do you hear how that sounds ? I'm not accessing outside help bexuasd what can they do so it is entirely on you DH to never bring drink in the house.

If the shoe was on the other foot and you were the wife bringing the drink in I think this would be a completely different thread.

Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 13:45

@Shinylikeglass

Go out for a nice walk, with DH and leave a bottle on all the neighbours' doorsteps.

I think it would be difficult not to bring it home, if it was given as gifts.

My problem is OP can't have it both ways.

If there is an addiction and she is accessing help then of course DH is being a dick bringing it in.

But the reality of the situation is that she just doesn't it in the house , isn't an alcoholic, can walk past it in a shop, but it's all DHS fault she drinks because he brought home wine that someone gave him.

Someone paid for that wine and spent money and effort on getting him it. The responses of throw it away leave it at work - how do you think that looks?

Covidrelapse · 24/12/2020 13:46

I wasn’t saying he would be embarrassed of you or your problem. I’d be embarrassed at being ungrateful. There are many many threads of people with alcoholic partners, does that mean they shouldn’t have any alcohol in the home? No. The partner with the problem should be seeking appropriate support. I think you’re still in denial as to the extent of your problem and it’s easier to blame him.

Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 13:50

Posters are inventing that DH is buying it and sabotaging on purpose here. I think it's far more likely given OPs own posts that he wants her to face the fact he is not responsible.

coldwaterfeed · 24/12/2020 13:51

@Covidrelapse

If he was given the wine from colleagues it would look incredibly ungrateful (embarrassingly so) to give it away in the office. Food banks round here don’t accept alcohol. This is your problem for him to support you in getting support for but I disagree he should be worrying about how to get rid of unwanted wine when you’re not fully acknowledging the extent of the problem.

There are lots of ways he could have got rid of the wine, including giving it away to neighbours/family or just keep it on the boot of his car.

Sad that you put the feelings of colleagues above his own wife’s.

OP, I don’t know why this thread is such a shit show, but well done for turning away DH at the door. How did he react to that?

coldwaterfeed · 24/12/2020 13:52

@Wheresmykimchi

Posters are inventing that DH is buying it and sabotaging on purpose here. I think it's far more likely given OPs own posts that he wants her to face the fact he is not responsible.
You are wrong.