To not want him to bring the wine home?

[Ecdysis]

I'm not an alcoholic but I do have an unhealthy relationship with wine. I realised in the first lockdown I was becoming dependent and after lots of thinking about it I quit in October. Much prefer not drinking and husband, who doesn't drink very much (the odd whiskey) agrees that not drinking has had a positive effect on my life.

I've asked him not to bring the wine he has been given as gifts from work home, however he has and I've gone back to drinking. He's says as an adult I should be able to have the willpower not to drink, I agree I should but I don't when wine is in the house (I wouldn't go and get some from the shop but when it's sat there I revert back to old habits)

AIBU to expect him to listen to me and leave the wine at work/give it away as he doesn't even drink wine and I don't want it?

There are two separate issues here. You are already doing your best to tackle your problem with wine and that is commendable.

The issue of your DH bringing it home regardless after you’ve explained why wine cannot be in the house makes him very thoughtless and unsupportive. Particularly when he’s not going to partake himself either. My DP does the same thing with junk food/chocolate when I am dieting, so I completely understand your frustration as it’s one thing to garner the willpower and techniques to address your problem, but quite another to have temptation left around your home (the one space you should be able to relax and let down your guard knowing it is safe to do so).

I get it OP. I had to sit mine down and totally spell it out before he properly understood. Our compromise is that he buys junk only he likes (that I either can’t stand —looking at you licorice— or am allergic to, therefore it doesn’t interest me). Maybe agree in future he doesn’t tell you about it at all and puts it in the shed or loft (somewhere you don’t know and can just forget about it), until a bottle is required for gifting/entertaining.

@Franticbutterfly

It's difficult. My husband had a serious drink problem until the end of last year, and gave up except for the odd one when we've been out for a meal, we have drunk alcohol on 5 occasions this year, and our life has improved beyond measure. It's a shame your DH cannot see the benefits of a dry home as I think that my support for my DH has really helped...also me being well against our life going back to how it was.

We also have a similar issue, We've been sent a Fortnum and mason wine hamper. It's just sitting in the hall. It's hard to look a gift horse in the mouth. I don't know if we will drink any of it. Maybe on nye. Either way it's a cause of stress that I wish wasn't there.

Give it away @Franticbutterfly unless you have somewhere outside the house to store it. We have a case in storage and I hold the only key.

I think the wine should not come to the house. Incidentally I don't think it should be given as a present to work colleagues or by suppliers, but that is a separate matter for discussion.

Are PPs calling OP an alcoholic under the impression they are being helpfu

@Franticbutterfly

It's difficult. My husband had a serious drink problem until the end of last year, and gave up except for the odd one when we've been out for a meal, we have drunk alcohol on 5 occasions this year, and our life has improved beyond measure. It's a shame your DH cannot see the benefits of a dry home as I think that my support for my DH has really helped...also me being well against our life going back to how it was.

We also have a similar issue, We've been sent a Fortnum and mason wine hamper. It's just sitting in the hall. It's hard to look a gift horse in the mouth. I don't know if we will drink any of it. Maybe on nye. Either way it's a cause of stress that I wish wasn't there.

@Franticbutterfly, if the Fortnum hamper contained cocaine and your DH had an addiction to it, would you still be saying "well its a shame to waste it, we might use it on NYE"?

The attitude to alcohol on here is staggering - no wonder people struggle to get sober.

@Wheresmykimchi

Are PPs calling OP an alcoholic under the impression they are being helpfu

Yes, they’re stating a fact and urging her to get some help with her addiction. It’s pretty helpful.

@Annasgirl I understand what you are saying, it would be easier to get rid of it, but my DH is at the point where he doesn't think about drinking or really even want to drink, and he can have it in the house without thinking about drinking it, but at the same time, also doesn't want to be a non drinker at all ever. And I understand that. Furthermore the gift was for him, so it's not up to me to tip it down the sink. I don't drink in support of my DH (unless we decide to have a bottle of wine with a meal together) and his attitude to alcohol is that a small amount at a social occasion is a nice things, but 7 bottles of wine at home is a bad thing. I'm not going to tell him what to do, I haven't even really thought about it that much. What I do know though is that I can't control everything (when he was drinking a lot I worried about everything and constantly feared weekends) and I can't control him, all I can do is encourage good healthy lifestyle choice and hope for the best.

Are PPs calling OP an alcoholic under the impression they are being helpfu

Were you under the impression you were being helpful with the ‘non issue’ of the OP’s DH ‘bringing home Christmas presents’ post?

To be fair, there’s a lot of unhelpful shit being posted on this thread....

@MerchantOfVenom

Are PPs calling OP an alcoholic under the impression they are being helpfu

Were you under the impression you were being helpful with the ‘non issue’ of the OP’s DH ‘bringing home Christmas presents’ post?

To be fair, there’s a lot of unhelpful shit being posted on this thread....

I think in the grand scheme of things , DH bringing a Christmas present home (what was he supposed to do with it? Someone paid for that ) isn't the main issue the OP should be worrying or posting about - the drinking should be.

Slightly different to squabbles amongst PP whether she is ir isn't an alcoholic no? That wasn't what OP asked.

@MerchantOfVenom

OP I think if you feel this way (which in all honesty you'd be far from alone ) the focus should be if you can on getting support with this rather than the non issue of DH bringing home Christmas presents.

The ‘non issue’ of DH bringing home ‘Christmas presents’?!

They’re not just Christmas presents - they’re bottles of wine, which the OP is openly admitting she has a problem having in the house - which makes it not a ‘non issue’, but the entire issue.

The OP has admitted to herself - and everyone she knows - that she has a problem with wine.

She has said she doesn’t want it in the house because it’s a trigger for her.

What does her life partner do? Brings it into the house.

What kind of person does that?

If you admit to having a problem (that in itself is a big, and pretty brave step), then in healthy, functional, mutually respectful relationships, your partner in life supports you.

You say she should focus on getting support, but you don’t expect it to come from the person who supposedly loves her. Just odd.

Ah merchant sorry I missed this post. I've just looked back now after your last one.

I Stand by what I said though. The problem in this situation is not DP bringing home a bottle that has been given to him

@devildeepbluesea

It's not the most supportive but you can't blame him for the decisions you make.

You need to address your problem with wine.

She has.

She doesn't have it in the house.

How many people on diets are told not to have chocolate/biscuits/cake/crisps in the house because of the temptation?

OP, if he does it again, just go and leave them on neighbours'/friends' doorsteps

@Wheresmykimchi

Are PPs calling OP an alcoholic under the impression they are being helpfu

No. They're just doing the writing unhelpful and critical things about OP thing mumsnet does. I'm pretty sure I could write in saying my husband stole my elderly mothers jewellery to go on a lad's holiday and people would come on to critisize me for leaving the jewellery around or call me controling for objectin to him having leisure time.

@Bluntness100

I think continually denying you’re an alcoholic and trying to make this your husbands responsibility isn’t doing you any favours.

If you literally can’t have wine in the house without drinking it and can’t control yourself you’re an alcoholic and need to seek help. Posters have suggested bodies to speak to.

Addressing your alcoholism is the way forward, not trying to blame your husband and come up with silly reasons why you can’t be an alcoholic, it’s been three four months now ans you still can’t control yourself.

Good luck but accept this isn’t your husbands fault or problem. You need to accept full responsibility and seek help. 💐

Completely agree. You have a drink problem. You don't have to drink anything in sight to be an alcoholic, but not being able to say no to a glass of wine, means you DO have a drink problem.

I think in the grand scheme of things , DH bringing a Christmas present home (what was he supposed to do with it? Someone paid for that ) isn't the main issue the OP should be worrying or posting about - the drinking should be.

I seriously can't believe people are saying what should he do with it? Is there really an adult alive, capable of holding down a job who can't work out how to not keep it in view in the house? Leave it in the boot, donate it to a charity raffle, drop it off with a friend and say you it was an unwanted gift, hide it in the loft, leave it on the garden wall with a sign saying 'help yourself'. if your wife has a drinking problem it would be better to just throw it away. I don't genuinely believe anyone is so stupid or unimaginitive they can't work this out.

You are an alcoholic and you need to address that. It doesn't make a difference that you can have other types of alcohol in the house. Agree with pp that making it your husband's responsibility is doing you no favours. You need to address your problem head on.

@lookingatthings

You are an alcoholic and you need to address that. It doesn't make a difference that you can have other types of alcohol in the house. Agree with pp that making it your husband's responsibility is doing you no favours. You need to address your problem head on.

Err why not read the post before bothering to comment, She has adressed it head on. She's acknowledged that she has a problem and told her friends and family so she doesn't end up in a triggering situation. She also asked her husband to support her in a very simple way. Almost no one in the early stage of giving up alcohol can cope woith it being in the house. It is absolutely her husband's responsibilty to support her. I get you know nothing about addiction but just don't post in that case. Ignorant, unhelpful comments do damage not good.

If her husband is so selfish he can't support her in such a simple way (at no inconvenience to himself since he doesn't even like wine), or he is deliberately sabbotaging her she needs to leave him. No-one that selfish should ever get married.

@Wheresmykimchi Of course that is the problem you'd really have to be stupid as hell or selfish as hell to not support your partner in giving up drinking when you've been explicitly told what to do to help. Just leave the bloody wine in the boot. It's not in the least bit difficult and refusing to do so is unbelievably selfish or more likely deliberately sabbotaging your life partner.

I think some peoooe are being a bit hysterical. It can easily be her husband didn’t understand the scale of her alcohol problem, and assumed she could just not have a glass if she chose. Clearly he realises now she is addicted and can’t control it, so hopefully he won’t bring wine back in now he knows.

I think we all know sometimes it’s not just the alcoholic, or whatever term the op wishes to describe this, who is in denial, but also those they live with.

it’s not just the alcoholic, or whatever term the op wishes to describe this, who is in denial, but also those they live with.

Sometimes. And addicts can be really devious.

I Stand by what I said though. The problem in this situation is not DP bringing home a bottle that has been given to him

The problem is exactly the DH bringing the wine home.

There would be no problem without the dolt of a husband not doing the one thing the OP has identified as her trigger.

I mean. How easy is it just not to bring it home?

This is an eminently solvable problem. There doesn’t need to be any drama. The DH has a very, very easy role to play here, in supporting the person he supposedly loves.

@IMNOTSHOUTING

I think in the grand scheme of things , DH bringing a Christmas present home (what was he supposed to do with it? Someone paid for that ) isn't the main issue the OP should be worrying or posting about - the drinking should be.

I seriously can't believe people are saying what should he do with it? Is there really an adult alive, capable of holding down a job who can't work out how to not keep it in view in the house? Leave it in the boot, donate it to a charity raffle, drop it off with a friend and say you it was an unwanted gift, hide it in the loft, leave it on the garden wall with a sign saying 'help yourself'. if your wife has a drinking problem it would be better to just throw it away. I don't genuinely believe anyone is so stupid or unimaginitive they can't work this out.

If the OP was posting this and she had been given a bottle of wine at work and her husband was kicking off because she's not to have it in the house because if it is in the house he will drink it , there would be different responses.

I don't appreciate being called stupid either I just don't have the same opinion as you.

@MerchantOfVenom, the problem is not DP bringing it home. The problem is OPs inability to control her drinking. Which I'm not judging , I had quite the battle myself in lockdown , but my original point was that OP has posted a thread and we are all focusing on what DP is doing. Why isn't the focus on her problem with drink?

The OP has found a way to control her drinking...?

It’s been going really well for her.

The way she controls it is to keep alcohol out of her house. She can easily go without when at restaurants or parties, and can walk right by the bottle store or aisle in the supermarket.

The reason people are focusing on the DH, is because he’s the spanner in the works here.

Your first post said - she should focus on getting support, but apparently that doesn’t, or shouldn’t, extend to her life partner. Why?

I’m not passing judgment on the way your relationships work, but for me, they’re about supporting each other, helping each other out, etc - especially the person who lives with you. The OP’s DH has a super easy support role here.

@MerchantOfVenom

The OP has found a way to control her drinking...?

It’s been going really well for her.

The way she controls it is to keep alcohol out of her house. She can easily go without when at restaurants or parties, and can walk right by the bottle store or aisle in the supermarket.

The reason people are focusing on the DH, is because he’s the spanner in the works here.

Your first post said - she should focus on getting support, but apparently that doesn’t, or shouldn’t, extend to her life partner. Why?

I’m not passing judgment on the way your relationships work, but for me, they’re about supporting each other, helping each other out, etc - especially the person who lives with you. The OP’s DH has a super easy support role here.

I don't disagree with what you're saying.

Franticbutterfly You sound in denial about your H’s alcohol problem.

Sure, it’d be nice if people with alcohol problems could drink from time to time and be fine. But for many that’s not possible and drinking leads to relapse. Why take the risk?