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Original poster

Just found out DP has secret savings

356 replies

Whatisthis543 · 22/12/2020 21:58

Just found out my DP has 60k hidden away in ISAs that I had no idea about. Only found out as I was looking for the Homeserve paperwork and went into his paperwork stash to find it. Found a letter from an ISS company with a balance of 63k!!!! What would you do now?

OP posts:
MustardMitt · 22/12/2020 22:47

How much do you have in savings @Whatisthis543?

Naillig222 · 22/12/2020 22:48

Did the bank look for proof your savings when you were applying for the mortgage? Did he not mention them then?

MrsDeadlock · 22/12/2020 22:48

Is it an inheritance he's stashed away perhaps? I can see why he would just sit on that to be honest.

I've always had 'secret savings'. DH knows they exist but not the amount. He also has some. It doesn't come up in conversation really unless either of us want to mention it. We have joint savings, and all other finances are shared equitably.

I've known others at that age who would have had similar to your DH. They were very good with money, but quiet with it.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 22/12/2020 22:49

@RomeoLikedCapuletGirls

Interesting to see differing opinions when the tables are turned.

What nonsense! Most people are saying it’s his business. But the OP quite clearly doesn’t begrudge him the savings, it’s the secrecy she’s Hmm about.

And the reason MNers recommend the woman have a stash is because they usually earn less and are left looking after the kids and are therefore financially shafted.

^^This.

I guess it’s his money but just think it’s a bit of a secret stash that would have alleviated worries when he was furloughed earlier this year.

If he was expecting you to find extra work or you to cut down on living expenses whilst he sat on £63k I'd be thinking really carefully about a future with him.

MrsKoala · 22/12/2020 22:49

@perisoire

I have secret savings. H thinks I have £40k but I have twice that. It’s my escape fund as we’ll have to sell our house when I leave. We contribute to the house equally so I don’t want to share.
If you divorce won’t you need to share that with him tho? I’m thinking of setting up my own isa. H refuses to save or pay into a pension so I will have to save from my portion of spends and I was wondering if I’d have to give him half - which means he gets to spend all his money and then take half mine.

Sorry to derail op. I think I’d just mention you saw the papers and ask about it. See if he’s saving for something in particular.

RosesAndHellebores · 22/12/2020 22:49

Are you worried he doesn't trust you?
DH and I have been married for 30 years. I had a pre-nup when we got married but that was largely due to the equity in my house. I also had what was then a good amount in the bank and to be honest I'm not sure I told DH but he was delighted when we were able to buy our family home of choice a year or so later. As the years went on and he became the main earner I haven't always know what he's earning or what he's earning/investing in. But I do know where all the papers are.

Bluegrass · 22/12/2020 22:55

Could be part of his retirement planning or otherwise earmarked for some specific purpose which means he treats it as something he can’t touch.

Newbie1210 · 22/12/2020 22:55

This reply has been deleted

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MoreLikeThis · 22/12/2020 22:56

I’d have assumed it was hidden because he was intending it to be a lovely surprise. I’d also wonder if it was money that had been given to him or that he had inherited.

Lots of women on Mumsnet claim to have secret savings. There was a thread on it a while back.

Jenasaurus · 22/12/2020 22:58

Do you think maybe he is saving for the wedding, new house, car etc maybe he wants to send future DC to private school, it could be anything and possibly nothing negative.

Anothertiredmother · 22/12/2020 23:03

Just saw your not married. I don’t think I’d say anything to be honest

Member869894 · 22/12/2020 23:05

I would marry him

Boulshired · 22/12/2020 23:06

He is allowed to have savings and allowed to keep them private until he is ready.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 22/12/2020 23:07

Woah woah woah woah woooaaaahhhh.

I think the only thing that matters here isthis; when he was furloughed, were you a little pushed for cash? Did you fork out more than your fair share to help him out? Because if you did, then l would absolutely be asking him to explain himself.

Otherwise well yes it's a little off. I would be tempted to sit on this piece of knowledge for now and see how this one plays out. It will give you a good idea of his future intentions and how selfish he will be with money when you are legally joined to him.

jimmyjammy001 · 22/12/2020 23:07

If you both earn relatively the same how come you haven't acquired the same amount in savings? Are you spending to much on other things? Or is this money he has saved up before he met you? In which case it is his and he doesn't have to tell you about it if he doesn't want to, your get half of it when your get married anyways.

Standrewsschool · 22/12/2020 23:09

@Newbie1210

Hi all

Need some advice, I’m first time pregnant with my partner I’ve been with for about 8 months.

He has 3 kids from a previous relationship....

However, every time he talks about them I feel jealousy/anger?

Am I evil for feeling like this? Is that normal? I just don’t want to be reminded of his past?

Please advise

Wrong thread? I think you need to start your own thread.
jimmyjammy001 · 22/12/2020 23:09

@Newbie1210

Hi all

Need some advice, I’m first time pregnant with my partner I’ve been with for about 8 months.

He has 3 kids from a previous relationship....

However, every time he talks about them I feel jealousy/anger?

Am I evil for feeling like this? Is that normal? I just don’t want to be reminded of his past?

Please advise

Walk away, dealing with somebody else's kids in a relationship is a whole lot of hassle, my advice find someone who is at the same stage of life as you I.e with no kids, it has a better chance of working out long term.
doctorhamster · 22/12/2020 23:14

The op is marrying him so of course it's her business! Would you be saying it's none of her business if it was £60k of debt? I wouldn't accept anything less than complete transparency where finances are concerned op and in your shoes I'd want to know why he was hiding it from me.

Winebottle · 22/12/2020 23:16

I think you should lay your cards on the table before getting married but if you haven't had the conversation, he hasn't done anything wrong.

WitchFindersAreEverywhere · 22/12/2020 23:17

If he’s paid his way equally so far, then it’s his business.
Maybe he’s been reading all the MN advice on having a running away fund that your partner doesn’t know about.
You marry, have a child, get divorced. You get the house until the child is 18.
He’s building the wherewithal to afford a flat. Very responsible.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 22/12/2020 23:17

Or has he inherited this money unbeknown to you. Sorry this isn't really helping is it?!

Regularsizedrudy · 22/12/2020 23:19

I just wanna know how a 34 year old saves 60k! How the other half live ey. Did it not come up when you applied for a mortgage??

TatianaBis · 22/12/2020 23:21

I wouldn’t think it was odd but for the fact he didn’t mention it when furloughed. It would have been a relief to know he had savings no?

Boulshired · 22/12/2020 23:22

You can see why people with assets do very long engagements or do not get married at all.

RandomLondoner · 22/12/2020 23:24

your get half of it when your get married anyways.

No you don't. After marrying it's still his money to spend however he wants to. It's divorce, not marriage, that forces money to be shared.