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Original poster

Just found out DP has secret savings

356 replies

Whatisthis543 · 22/12/2020 21:58

Just found out my DP has 60k hidden away in ISAs that I had no idea about. Only found out as I was looking for the Homeserve paperwork and went into his paperwork stash to find it. Found a letter from an ISS company with a balance of 63k!!!! What would you do now?

OP posts:
AppleJane · 23/12/2020 21:18

It all sounds so complicated and tiring.

Some people have partners that come and go and friends for life. Some people have friends that come and go and partners for life.

We all have our own lines in the sand.

AppleJane · 23/12/2020 21:22

@LolaSmiles those are my words taken totally out of context. You're just being silly now.

Smallgoon · 23/12/2020 21:48

@Whatisthis543

So we had a chat this lunchtime and I was just honest that I had seen the letter and was proud of him for building up savings and that I need to get a bit better at it too.

He was all very relaxed about it and said that the ones I had seen had a specific purpose outlined below but he also has more savings towards his pension in a stocks and shares ISA.

With the 63k he was also trying to build up a bit of a nest egg for any future children of his as well as a rainy day fund. He said he started it ages ago and intended to keep it up but was pretty chilled about it all. I’m glad we chatted! I have no intention of making any kind of ‘claim’ on it, but I feel like he we very transparent and am proud of how much he has thought about his (and I guess our assuming all works out) future

How much do you have in savings out of interest?
LolaSmiles · 23/12/2020 21:52

It all sounds so complicated and tiring.
What, complicated to say my colleague or keep it vague instead of 'so you know Jane who has been having marital issues the last few months, well we went for coffee today and she said...' ?

Some people have partners that come and go and friends for life. Some people have friends that come and go and partners for life.

We all have our own lines in the sand
Yes and some people's lines means becoming a single entity with their partner and kidding themselves that the sign of a trusting relationship is their willingness to betray their friends' confidences and decide that anything other than full disclosure of every element of life is lying by omission and secret keeping.

AppleJane · 23/12/2020 22:08

I don't believe betraying your friends trust by spilling her secrets to your husband is the same as not mentioning £63k.

How would life partners discuss joint plans for their future (for arguments sake retiring to the coast) if they're not honest about finances?

LolaSmiles · 23/12/2020 22:14

I don't believe betraying your friends trust by spilling her secrets to your husband is the same as not mentioning £63k
Yet again, it's not about how people choose to structure their finances
🤦‍♀️

Some people have joint finances. Some have separate. Some have some elements joint and others separate. It really doesn't matter.

For what feels like the 10th time. I am not saying people who discuss finances betray their friends' confidences! I am saying that in my experience the sort of person who says things like 'ooh no, I could never imagine keeping anything from my husband... me and DP don't have secrets at all, why be in a relationship if you don't tell them everything...' are the people who think of them and their DP's as a single entity and that tends to involve them divulging everything that is said in their presence to their DP because 'he's my best friend and we don't have secrets'

It's really not rocket science:

  1. People can structure their finances how their like and agree between them what's joint and separate. It doesn't matter how couples choose to do things.
  2. The people who claim they could never keep secrets and tell their DPs everything are usually loose lipped in my experience
AppleJane · 23/12/2020 22:17

Get new friends?

So yet again:

How would life partners discuss joint plans for their future (for arguments sake retiring to the coast) if they're not honest about finances?

LolaSmiles · 23/12/2020 22:31

I have friends and close friends, and don't tell loose lipped people my personal details. If I talk to my friends then I expect it to be a conversation with my friend, not a conversation with my friend that then gets relayed to their husband because they seem to think that he doesn't count.

How would life partners discuss joint plans for their future (for arguments sake retiring to the coast) if they're not honest about finances?
I'm going to have a guess that the conversation goes something like this: 'so darling, as we are both planning a major change in our lives maybe we sit down and discuss how we can afford it... ok dear, let's have a chat about how it will work for us.'

Anyone would think different couples structure their finances in different ways and are more than capable of having relevant conversations about their future. 🤷‍♀️

lovepickledlimes · 23/12/2020 22:32

@AppleJane you can don't need to see the documents of how much money they have saved for that. Both me and DP know we have investments neither of us knows the exact firgure. Does not stop us saying 'would be nice if we could afford xyz' 'do xyz once we have kids' 'move to xyz once we retire' etc don't need to know the amount in savings before we marry to make plans like that

lovepickledlimes · 23/12/2020 22:33

@LolaSmiles this exactly.

AppleJane · 23/12/2020 22:48

I have friends and close friends, and don't tell loose lipped people my personal details. If I talk to my friends then I expect it to be a conversation with my friend, not a conversation with my friend that then gets relayed to their husband because they seem to think that he doesn't count.

Absolutely. Because all relationships should be built on trust. Which is exactly what I said at the very beginning of the thread.

Smallgoon · 23/12/2020 23:37

@AppleJane

Get new friends?

So yet again:

How would life partners discuss joint plans for their future (for arguments sake retiring to the coast) if they're not honest about finances?

It seems that OP has never really had this conversation with her boyf of 3 years. I'm sure if they'd sat down and had the conversation, and she asked about savings, he would have disclosed, as I'm sure she would have disclosed (even though we all know what her boyf has in savings, but are nonethewiser to her situation...).

That's not to say that he should be at liberty to voluntarily disclose this information. It seems that she hasn't done the same either. Just because either one hasn't openly disclosed/announced what they hold in their personal savings pot, doesn't mean they're not be 'honest'.

I've never disclosed information about my savings to my partners. I've been asked before, and I've kept it vague i.e. he asked if it were more than 30k and I said yes. Not sure that makes me 'dishonest'. It's my choice whether I want to disclose, and I choose not to.

SkySports · 23/12/2020 23:42

You have only been together 3 years so most of that perhaps saved before he was with you. Now engaged.

It's not a bad secret. Imagine if he had £60K worth of debt.

lovepickledlimes · 23/12/2020 23:42

@Smallgoon this is exactly how I feel. If DP was genuinely wondering what money there was I would be fully open. Same with him. Maybe we are in a lucky position where this conversation was ever needed because the money was not needed. Now if I became pregnant then I would sit down and see what exactly we could afford for the baby and what we are both willing to spend on xyz

Smallgoon · 23/12/2020 23:44

@AppleJane

I have friends and close friends, and don't tell loose lipped people my personal details. If I talk to my friends then I expect it to be a conversation with my friend, not a conversation with my friend that then gets relayed to their husband because they seem to think that he doesn't count.

Absolutely. Because all relationships should be built on trust. Which is exactly what I said at the very beginning of the thread.

If all relationships are built on trust, I guess all the women that have their very own 'escape fund' are open about this to their partners, because y'know, that's "trust" right?

I wouldn't be annoyed at my partner of 3 yrs to have not mentioned that he had x amount in savings. I would be annoyed if I'd openly asked him, and he told me he had 5k, which later transpired to be 60k. Then it would be an issue of trust, because it would highlight dishonesty. If I'd never asked, and he'd never disclosed, I wouldn't deem this to be a lack of trust. But that's just me Smile

LolaSmiles · 24/12/2020 08:45

lovepickledlimes
Same here. Before DH and I got married we both had separate savings. When we planned things such as holidays, our wedding, buying our house then we would talk about finances and make our plans.

It wouldn't have crossed my mind that either of us was dishonest or keeping secrets for not giving a regular update on the state of our savings. It certainly wasn't a sign we didn't trust each other.

I don't get the 'tell everything otherwise you're keeping secrets and don't trust each other / why have a relationship if you're not totally open' approach. A relationship that relies on everything being shared for fear of being accused of lying and keeping secrets doesn't sound terribly trusting to me.

Original poster
Whatisthis543 · 24/12/2020 10:05

For those asking, I have just over 4 months salary @12k so nowhere near 60k but okay, I shared this info with him too.

OP posts:
DillonPanthersTexas · 24/12/2020 11:03

For those asking, I have just over 4 months salary @12k so nowhere near 60k but okay, I shared this info with him too.

Well I hope you are going to transfer half to your DP you financially abusive cow Wink

Alexandernevermind · 24/12/2020 11:10

So we had a chat this lunchtime and I was just honest that I had seen the letter and was proud of him for building up savings and that I need to get a bit better at it too.
Perfect response. In our home I have complete control of all of the money - current account, savings accounts and business accounts. As priority I need to list them all with the passwords lock the information into the safe, so if anything did happen to me DH could get at our money!

LoveFromDeauville · 24/12/2020 13:53

@MrsKoala why is your DH refusing a pension or savings? Sounds very risky and precarious, especially with young D.C.

IrisAtwood · 24/12/2020 15:39

I have £110k in savings and investments. Worked bloody hard for it and have had several really bad years in terms of relationship, family, work and health. I have also been financially cheated by my ex so I am really careful with my money now.

Smallgoon · 24/12/2020 15:43

@Whatisthis543

For those asking, I have just over 4 months salary *@12k* so nowhere near 60k but okay, I shared this info with him too.
Shared info with him when? When you both had your 'chat'?
MrsKoala · 24/12/2020 20:32

[quote LoveFromDeauville]@MrsKoala why is your DH refusing a pension or savings? Sounds very risky and precarious, especially with young D.C.[/quote]
He doesn’t really do delayed gratification and would rather spend all his money on himself in the present. Whenever I try to discuss it he becomes childish and refuses to talk properly and says daft things like ‘I’m going to kill myself when I’m 60, so I don’t need a pension’ then refuses to listen any further becoming angry. We have life and critical illness cover tho so he says with any luck he’ll die and then I’ll get it all Hmm

I got him to agree to speak to a financial advisor in the new year so I’m hoping he’ll listen to them. It’s very frustrating as I can’t prepare for my future, not that I have enough time to save much now anyway.

ToniTheDonkey · 24/12/2020 21:22

@IrisAtwood

I have £110k in savings and investments. Worked bloody hard for it and have had several really bad years in terms of relationship, family, work and health. I have also been financially cheated by my ex so I am really careful with my money now.
Goodness me, I think I need your help in budget planning!
SS111 · 24/12/2020 21:23

I feel like it’s a lot of money to just have in savings. If it’s no secret to them im sure they will have no problem in saying what it’s for!