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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found out DP has secret savings

356 replies

Whatisthis543 · 22/12/2020 21:58

Just found out my DP has 60k hidden away in ISAs that I had no idea about. Only found out as I was looking for the Homeserve paperwork and went into his paperwork stash to find it. Found a letter from an ISS company with a balance of 63k!!!! What would you do now?

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 22/12/2020 22:11

OOOooft he pays his fair share of everything you jointly own/share right.. so surely this is his nest egg and his alone... why would you assume anything different...Confused

Mintjulia · 22/12/2020 22:11

If he's been able to save £63k and still pay the mortgage, good for him. If you aren't married, I'm not sure you should do anything, especially if he's paying his fair share.

Starseeking · 22/12/2020 22:12

@Whatisthis543

I guess it’s his money but just think it’s a bit of a secret stash that would have alleviated worries when he was furloughed earlier this year

It's odd if he never mentioned it once while worried about being on furlough. Why would he not have said he had savings then?

Asdf12345 · 22/12/2020 22:12

Everyone should have their own fallback savings. I would say he is a sensible chap.

Original poster
Whatisthis543 · 22/12/2020 22:13

It just hasn’t come up yet. He hasn’t hidden it per se.!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 22/12/2020 22:14

If you’re getting married, you need a proper conversation about how your finances are going to work.

SundayGirl86 · 22/12/2020 22:14

Honestly, I think it’s his business. You’re not married yet and he’s entitled to his savings. I wouldn’t be bothered. At least he’s not £63k in debt!

PurpleDaisies · 22/12/2020 22:14

@Whatisthis543

It just hasn’t come up yet. He hasn’t hidden it per se.!
That’s quite different from what you’ve implied in your op.
RedskyAtnight · 22/12/2020 22:14

If you have separate finances then it's none of your business.
I'd tell him you saw the paperwork tbh.
DH and I have separate savings accounts. He has no idea how much I have saved and vice versa. Though I'd tell him if he asked.

Tohaveandtohold · 22/12/2020 22:15

Since he’s paying his way and paying his own share of the joint bills and not saving at the expense of the household needs then the fact that he saves the rest that he has is up to him really. He could be spending it but he’s rather saving it. I won’t feel offended really and won’t expect to be telling my partner about every penny I’m saving

Original poster
Whatisthis543 · 22/12/2020 22:16

@SundayGirl86 very true. I have no issue with him having savings but I just am surprised I guess

OP posts:
Iwonder08 · 22/12/2020 22:16

Why on earth you feel you are entitled to know everything about his personal finance?! You are not even married

Doingitaloneandproud · 22/12/2020 22:17

@Whatisthis543

It just hasn’t come up yet. He hasn’t hidden it per se.!
Surely it hasn't come up because his finances aren't your business, and he's paying the bills and mortgage fairly.
Original poster
Whatisthis543 · 22/12/2020 22:18

@PurpleDaisies yeah fair enough. I guess I just thought he would be open with me about it rather than ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’. I mean who asks their DP if they have £££ saved away from the household finances

OP posts:
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 22/12/2020 22:18

I think there's a difference between having money in your own name, if you aren't married and generally have separate finances and deliberately hiding the fact that you have this amount of money.
Not mentioning it when you were worried about furlough is more along the lines of deliberately hiding it. The lack of honesty about it would worry me - it would make me feel untrusted or as of he wasn't fully committed.

Msfoxy17 · 22/12/2020 22:19

It seems the issue is not so much that he has these savings but rather that he never mentioned them to the OP, even at at time when maybe things were a but tight and he was furloughed.
If it were me,OP, I would be rather put out and kind of questioning his motives for never telling me.
Would be different if, say, £5 or £10k but £63k is a lot!

grapewine · 22/12/2020 22:19

As long as you're not married, I wouldn't do anything. His finances aren't your business.

fairynick · 22/12/2020 22:20

Why is everybody on mumsnet so obsessed with marriage being the only time a couple are able to share everything. It’s 2020, and relationships come in all kinds of packages. Whether you’re married or not is besides the point, DP and I have been together for 5 years and if he had a significant amount saved it’s not that I’d feel entitled to know, it’s more that I’d feel a bit weird if I’d found out and he hadn’t told me. We’ve always been open with finances from the start. It isn’t something you can pretend you haven’t seen OP, definitely have a chat with him.

letsmakethishappen · 22/12/2020 22:22

3 years not a long time. You’re not married he doesn’t have to declare how much savings he has.. I’ve always had separate finances with men I’ve been with I’ve never asked about their savings. I just don’t do joint finances

Heyahun · 22/12/2020 22:22

Hmmm can’t say if care too Koch about this tbh

It’s not really any of your business - if he’s paying his fair share of the mortgage / bills etc - then I don’t see the harm in him having his own savings

Plus I don’t know how it would have come up? He probably didn’t think it was a big deal or something he needed to share with you?

I have my own Isa and my husband has various savings accounts on the go - I don’t really know how much is in them and don’t think I need to know particularly!

Obviously if you were a bit stuck for money it could have come in useful though

Rewis · 22/12/2020 22:23

As PP's mentioned it depends on your financial agreement. Have you had a conversation where you showed each other all the accounts and he hid this one? Or did you just talk about having some joint and some individual and that was that? I

LeSangeEstDansLarbre · 22/12/2020 22:23

Have you had any money worries over the period he’s saved this up? If you have, then I’d be really angry. If not, and you’re not married and don’t have joint finances, well, there’s a school of thought that says it’s his business.

I couldn’t have a relationship on this basis, but MN seems fine with it generally. Knowing there’s plenty around if the boiler breaks down or you need an expensive car repair makes for less stress and a happier home, in my book.

OneKeyAtATime · 22/12/2020 22:23

Well done on him having savings. What's the problem?

category12 · 22/12/2020 22:23

You're not married and you've only been together 3 years, (no children?)

It's clearly not household finances in his view.

Wouldn't be in mine either, I don't think.

perisoire · 22/12/2020 22:24

I have secret savings. H thinks I have £40k but I have twice that. It’s my escape fund as we’ll have to sell our house when I leave. We contribute to the house equally so I don’t want to share.

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