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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found out DP has secret savings

356 replies

Whatisthis543 · 22/12/2020 21:58

Just found out my DP has 60k hidden away in ISAs that I had no idea about. Only found out as I was looking for the Homeserve paperwork and went into his paperwork stash to find it. Found a letter from an ISS company with a balance of 63k!!!! What would you do now?

OP posts:
Boulshired · 22/12/2020 22:24

If you have assets whilst you may love someone the trust regarding money can be difficult.

Casmama · 22/12/2020 22:25

I would be surprised too but I would ask him about it. If he is anything less than open with you then that would be an issue but otherwise I don't think it's a problem. Probably a useful prompt to have an open discussion about money now and in the future- especially if kids might be on the cards

BritWifeinUSA · 22/12/2020 22:26

It’s probably for his retirement. He’s obviously being very sensible.

UghNotThisAgain36 · 22/12/2020 22:26

@BlueThistles

OOOooft he pays his fair share of everything you jointly own/share right.. so surely this is his nest egg and his alone... why would you assume anything different...Confused
This. If you aren't married, you have no say or claim over it anyway. If he has saved it over years and years then a 3 year relationship doesn't really seem long enough for you to feel it should be shared.

People on MN normally suggest a 'running away fund' for women. Interesting to see differing opinions when the tables are turned.

1Morewineplease · 22/12/2020 22:30

Was this money built up before he met you and then he invested within the last three years?
It may well be his own nest egg to insure against...whatever.
You don't have an automatic right to this money.
If you'd built this amount of money yourself then MNetters would be saying 'good on you!'

Mortgageandmoney · 22/12/2020 22:30

Honestly, I think it's really odd he hasn't mentioned it.

Unless he's older? 60k is quite the sum to save alone. I would have thought if it was from a property sale you'd know about it.

3 years is more than enough time for this to come up in my opinion. I think it's completely bizarre that when he was furlough he didn't say anything along the lines of "don't worry, I have 60k in an ISA!" I know not everyone shares all their financial details with their DP but this isn't a few hundred quid.

Oct18mummy · 22/12/2020 22:31

He may have saved it all up before you got together. I would be annoyed if I was him thinking you were snooping.

WinterIsGone · 22/12/2020 22:31

It may not be secret as such. If he's a saver, he's probably been putting a bit away and not given it much thought, as he's not planning to spend it.

Surely the question is, will he consider it family money if you get married and have children together, should you become dependent on him.

grapewine · 22/12/2020 22:31

People on MN normally suggest a 'running away fund' for women. Interesting to see differing opinions when the tables are turned.

Yep.

RomeoLikedCapuletGirls · 22/12/2020 22:31

Interesting to see differing opinions when the tables are turned.

What nonsense! Most people are saying it’s his business. But the OP quite clearly doesn’t begrudge him the savings, it’s the secrecy she’s Hmm about.

And the reason MNers recommend the woman have a stash is because they usually earn less and are left looking after the kids and are therefore financially shafted.

VestaTilley · 22/12/2020 22:31

I’d take a photo of it but actually would say nothing. You’re not married so you have no say it claim on the money.

I’d just be wondering how trustworthy he is - I’d be worried he’d be spending the money on another woman!

He may obviously just be financially savvy and not comfortable talking about money (more likely to be the case).

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 22/12/2020 22:33

Mention you would love a huge wedding. Await his reaction... When I had ds unplanned his df claimed poverty.. Until HE bought a flat and a car with substantial deposits..
It didn't bode well for our future..
Exh now.

UghNotThisAgain36 · 22/12/2020 22:34

@RomeoLikedCapuletGirls

Interesting to see differing opinions when the tables are turned.

What nonsense! Most people are saying it’s his business. But the OP quite clearly doesn’t begrudge him the savings, it’s the secrecy she’s Hmm about.

And the reason MNers recommend the woman have a stash is because they usually earn less and are left looking after the kids and are therefore financially shafted.

What secrecy? He hasn't hidden it? Just because he hasn't mentioned it doesn't mean he wouldn't have if the OP asked after apparently snooping? Regardless, she still has no rights to it or the right to an opinion about it.
Original poster
Whatisthis543 · 22/12/2020 22:37

He’s 34 so not just about to retire. He has a good job and I don’t begrudge him having savings at all. I just feel like he knows about my finances in general and has just never mentioned it. I don’t feel entitled to the money but just feel a bit off that he has never mentioned having a good amount in ISAs. Maybe I am BU

OP posts:
carly2803 · 22/12/2020 22:37

you are not married so have no claim, i also didnt tell my x how many thousands i had/have in the bank

however, if you have bailed him out over furlough or he was "skint", its abit shitty of him

other than that YABU

Perisoire · 22/12/2020 22:39

Interesting to see differing opinions when the tables are turned.

People have said it’s not her money to comment on as they’re not married and others have said take a pic but don’t say anything.

Both are reasonable, it’s good to have the proof for posterity, if they married and have kids.

DelphineWalsh · 22/12/2020 22:39

Does he know how much you have?

Smallgoon · 22/12/2020 22:40

@Whatisthis543

I guess we have our own finances to an extent. We pay the bills including mortgage jointly, and both have our own spends and some separate savings. Not married but engaged, been together 3 years. Maybe I am being unreasonable but it’s not a small amount and sort of feel like I wouldn’t have minded knowing.
Not sure why you'd have a right to know this... Do you speak about your personal finances frankly?
Ontheboardwalk · 22/12/2020 22:41

however, if you have bailed him out over furlough or he was "skint", its abit shitty of him

This! Have you had to bail him out or has he continued to pay his way?

If he’s paid the cash as required then it’s not really your issue at the moment

WB205020 · 22/12/2020 22:42

Post on here a few weeks ago.....woman is getting an inheritance and asks whether she should tell her husband. Majority say no. Stay quiet.

OP posts saying she had found her partner had savings. MN response is challenge him and basically claim it as your own. You couldn’t make it up. The hypocrisy is laughable sometimes.

PurpleDaisies · 22/12/2020 22:44

@WB205020

Post on here a few weeks ago.....woman is getting an inheritance and asks whether she should tell her husband. Majority say no. Stay quiet.

OP posts saying she had found her partner had savings. MN response is challenge him and basically claim it as your own. You couldn’t make it up. The hypocrisy is laughable sometimes.

How do you know the same posters are saying the opposite things to the other thread?

It’s a big site.

partyatthepalace · 22/12/2020 22:45

I can see that you’ve only been together 3 years, and you and you aren’t married etc.

But if you are planning to marry I’d expect to start being open about this stuff in the last year or so... you could say oh well the moment just didn’t occur yet - but furlough should have been it shouldn’t it? Even if he didn’t specify how much exactly.

I’d photo it. And then I think I’d personally just bring it up in a ‘I had no idea’ way, just because I’d feel a bit dishonest sitting on the info - but you might prefer to wait and see if he tells you.

Boulshired · 22/12/2020 22:46

I would ignore the taking of photographs, I would not be trusting anyone who decided to take evidence of my assets.

PegasusReturns · 22/12/2020 22:47

Depends entirely on whether he’s ever put pressure on you to pay his way or more than your share because he’s “skint”. If he has then I’d LTB. If not I’d say it’s fine.

For reference DH and I are married and keep our finances separate.

Ideasplease322 · 22/12/2020 22:47

That is an amazing amount of savings to have at his age. Especially given you are home owners So I assume he contributed his share of a deposit recently.

Did you not discuss finances and savings when you bought the house?

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