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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found out DP has secret savings

356 replies

Whatisthis543 · 22/12/2020 21:58

Just found out my DP has 60k hidden away in ISAs that I had no idea about. Only found out as I was looking for the Homeserve paperwork and went into his paperwork stash to find it. Found a letter from an ISS company with a balance of 63k!!!! What would you do now?

OP posts:
Girlyracer · 23/12/2020 00:23

I think it's great that he has saved so well. It's not secret if it was in the drawer in plain sight.

Sinful8 · 23/12/2020 00:24

@perisoire

I have secret savings. H thinks I have £40k but I have twice that. It’s my escape fund as we’ll have to sell our house when I leave. We contribute to the house equally so I don’t want to share.
Confused
grassisjeweled · 23/12/2020 00:36

I'd be asking the following questions :

What are his motivations for doing this?

Are you covering him in expenses, while he claims to have none? I e. Supermarket shop, oh babe, I'm skint this month, so you cover it.

Do you really feel you can still trust him? What else is he hiding?

Nanny0gg · 23/12/2020 00:38

[quote Whatisthis543]@SundayGirl86 very true. I have no issue with him having savings but I just am surprised I guess[/quote]
What other secrets has he got?

Nanny0gg · 23/12/2020 00:38

@Sinful8

Isn't this the number 1 peice of advice given on here?

Have independent savina

Independent isn't the same as secret
Nanny0gg · 23/12/2020 00:39

@TatianaBis

60k doesn’t really count as assets.
What??
BubblyBarbara · 23/12/2020 00:40

You know this is a GOOD thing, right? A 60k secret debt would be bad. Showing he’s a good saver for your future is a positive thing.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 23/12/2020 00:41

How on earth is this a 'secret' when it's absolutely none of the OP's business in the first place?

Seeingadistance · 23/12/2020 00:43

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

How on earth is this a 'secret' when it's absolutely none of the OP's business in the first place?
Quite!
EddieBananas · 23/12/2020 00:43

DH and I have various accounts, some joint, some individual. We have a spreadsheet detailing everything and update the balances every few weeks so we know who has what.

Could you do similar. I'd give him the opportunity to fess up. If he doesn't then you might want a rethink if you want transparency about money. My Mum and Dad never discussed money so it was important to me.

saraclara · 23/12/2020 00:54

He must be earning a walking salary if he can afford to squirrel so effectively.

Or he had an inheritance before he met the OP, @Locc

KrisAkabusi · 23/12/2020 01:04

VestaTilley

I’d take a photo of it but actually would say nothing. You’re not married so you have no say it claim on the money.

I’d just be wondering how trustworthy he is

So you'd secretly take photos of his bank statements, but he's the untrustworthy one?!

Charlie63849 · 23/12/2020 01:26

You have only been together 3 years. You are not married and he pays his fair share towards bills.

What he does with the rest of his money is non of your business.

And if I was with you and you took pictures of my savings account like someone’s suggested then I’d leave you straight away and I sure as hell wouldn’t marry you. I’d advise against that.

katy1213 · 23/12/2020 01:26

Absolutely none of your business. And will you be disclosing to him that you gossip about his private business to strangers online?
Because if you can't keep your mouth shut, that might explain why he hasn't told you.
Anyone else likely to be told by the end of the week - your mum? sister? best friend?

Charlie63849 · 23/12/2020 01:27

@EddieBananas

DH and I have various accounts, some joint, some individual. We have a spreadsheet detailing everything and update the balances every few weeks so we know who has what.

Could you do similar. I'd give him the opportunity to fess up. If he doesn't then you might want a rethink if you want transparency about money. My Mum and Dad never discussed money so it was important to me.

Fed up HmmConfused

He’s got nothing to fess you about, they have only been together a few years Confused

Charlie63849 · 23/12/2020 01:28

Fess up*

KarmaNoMore · 23/12/2020 01:32

I was going to say it is probably his running away money but if you are not married and the docs are kept in the house, it is impossible for it to be.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/12/2020 01:33

Tbh my first reaction would be to be impressed he's got that saved at 34!

Pugdoglife · 23/12/2020 01:38

I don't really think it's any of your business, unless he's trying to get you to sub him each month. You have an arrangement to split bills, beyond that his money is his to do with as he wants.
I do the same with my husband, we split household bills equally and then whatever we have left is our own, I have no say in what he spends or saves and vice versa. It works perfectly for us and we have never once argued about money.

I'd be concerned if it were 60k of debt because that would impact on your joint future e.g. ability to get a mortgage.

Pyewhacket · 23/12/2020 01:38

If you are not married then it’s none of your business.

Smallgoon · 23/12/2020 01:57

@katy1213

Absolutely none of your business. And will you be disclosing to him that you gossip about his private business to strangers online? Because if you can't keep your mouth shut, that might explain why he hasn't told you. Anyone else likely to be told by the end of the week - your mum? sister? best friend?
Agreed
Cameleongirl · 23/12/2020 02:00

I think it’s a good idea to talk about savings, any debts, etc. before getting married so as you’ve accidentally seen this statement, it’s a good opportunity to start that conversation.

My DH forgot to mention his student loans before we were married ( he’s American so they were much bigger than typical British ones). I was pretty horrified when I found out about them. Luckily they were low interest and he paid them off. But still, better to have full disclosure beforehand.

Smallgoon · 23/12/2020 02:00

Could you do similar. I'd give him the opportunity to fess up.

Christ, he's not having an affair you know? I'm despairing at some of the responses in this thread. It's nobody's business what savings he has, and he doesn't owe the OP an explanation

whichminoguesister · 23/12/2020 02:08

People on MN normally suggest a 'running away fund' for women. Interesting to see differing opinions when the tables are turned.

Is the level of domestic violence the same for men? I wasn't aware, how interesting.

It is the op's business, he's her fiancé, planning a life together. Household finances don't have to be completely shared but honesty is still important.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2020 02:13

Is the level of domestic violence the same for men? I wasn't aware, how interesting.

And poverty. Nice to know women have caught up. Unless they absolutely haven't.

www.theguardian.com/science/2017/dec/06/inequalities-among-older-people-especially-women-shameful