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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found out DP has secret savings

356 replies

Whatisthis543 · 22/12/2020 21:58

Just found out my DP has 60k hidden away in ISAs that I had no idea about. Only found out as I was looking for the Homeserve paperwork and went into his paperwork stash to find it. Found a letter from an ISS company with a balance of 63k!!!! What would you do now?

OP posts:
Billben · 23/12/2020 11:00

I'd be asking for it to be transferred into the joint savings account or for half to be transferred to your account.

I have got to repost this again just for the sheer stupidity of it 😂 I can’t believe how self entitled some women are. OP, isn’t married nor does she have kids with her DP. In the eye of the law, being engaged means fuck all yet you want her to lay claim to the money her DP has managed to save through the years (I’m guessing from well before he even met her) 🙄

And it’s not been hidden away from her either. I’ve been married 15 years. DH has ISAs, shares etc. I haven’t got a clue how much they are all worth. All the paperwork is in the filing cabinets in the study. I just haven’t bothered to look.

Nooz · 23/12/2020 11:01

My instinct is that backing right off is best here.

You could be about to spoil the best surprise.

Sounds like a reasonable sum for a marriage based on you financial stability.

Leave him alone, that's a lot of potential he has there and your engaged so his plans will include you.

You dibbed into his paperwork, that's happened but YABU to ruminate.

Do something lovely instead? X

fromdownwest · 23/12/2020 11:04

@Nooz

My instinct is that backing right off is best here.

You could be about to spoil the best surprise.

Sounds like a reasonable sum for a marriage based on you financial stability.

Leave him alone, that's a lot of potential he has there and your engaged so his plans will include you.

You dibbed into his paperwork, that's happened but YABU to ruminate.

Do something lovely instead? X

Exactly this, if the roles were revered he would be called a controlling scary man, and the OP would be told to run away from his grasping money claws.
MrsExpo · 23/12/2020 11:08

I would do nothing. As you're not married, and he contributes equally to the household he's fully entitled to his own savings without you knowing. He's probably not told you as he doesn't want you planning any big spends with "his" money at the moment.

DillonPanthersTexas · 23/12/2020 11:11

Well that’s a little more than a “ running away” account.

Something mumsnetters are encouraged to facilitate for themselves on an almost daily basis

ChristmasUserName2020 · 23/12/2020 11:12

@Shaniac

Why would you say anything? Its his money he is entitled to keep it private. I have a small savings account my dp will never be allowed access to. I get its a massive amount of money but as long as he contributes to the household stuff he can have savings. Unless this is one of them usual mn sexist things. Women are always advised to have secret savings yet when a man does he should hand it over immediately.
Well said. Why can’t a man have his own stash?
poptartsarefood · 23/12/2020 11:17

Any partner who took photos of my private financial records would be dumped and reported to the police. The hypocrisy is real on here

jagoda · 23/12/2020 11:21

I agree, as you are not married this is not really any of your business. I might think differently if you were financially supporting him or struggling financially with joint liabilities.

If not, I would keep quiet.

Coffeeandcocopops · 23/12/2020 11:26

The savings would be very odd if the OP and her DP met when they were young, got married and been together 30 years. But this isn’t the case here. They have been together only a few years. These are not secret savings they are HIS SAVINGS.

I’ve always had savings. Especially before I was married. I would go mad if my partner took a photo of my private papers. How dare anyone even think that is reasonable. To even suggest 50% is moved to the OPs bank account is financial abuse.

AppleJane · 23/12/2020 11:45

Why are you all in relationships if you keep secrets and don't trust each other? You might as well be single. The OP hasn't said she wants the money. She's upset he doesn't trust her and isn't trust the foundation of a 'relationship'. Being together? Or are you all just using your partners until someone better comes along?

HeadNorth · 23/12/2020 11:49

I'd be asking for it to be transferred into the joint savings account or for half to be transferred to your account.

Now, I ain't sayin' she a gold digger.....

Seriously, if you found out your boyfriend had savings, you'd demand half under threat of leaving him?! Blimey.

OP, the time to talk about this is when it looks like you are seriously going to marry or have children. Until then, surely you are two equal adults entitled to enjoy the fruits of your own labour?

ToffeePennie · 23/12/2020 11:51

My husband has no idea about my savings and what is or isn’t in them. He honestly thinks I have nothing, but I believe it’s useful to have some rainy day money/holiday money you can rely on.
He has several savings accounts that I know about but not the amounts or anything else. Honestly how do you know he’s not been saving in that account since he was a child and has forgotten about it?
I wouldn’t do anything. Just if the rainy day comes, ask about it then, if either of you needs the money for something

BarbaraofSeville · 23/12/2020 11:54

All the people saying the DP has done something wrong, without sufficient detail to make such a judgement, would you say the same thing if he had far less savings and had spent all the money on expensive cars, bikes, work suits, golf clubs etc?

Because there will be people out there with barely 2 pennies to their name, but a £40k car, £10k road bike, £10k worth of good suits and other nice clothes etc.

The effect on the OP is the same, just no lump of money sitting there.

Smallgoon · 23/12/2020 12:26

@LadyWithLapdog

I’d find it a bit creepy TBH. Three years together is a long time and plenty of opportunities to talk about money. That’s a lot of money put away by the age of 34. Is he stingy? I don’t know how you’d save so much effortlessly.
I had more than this saved by 34. I don't think I was stingy, I still went on holidays and socialised etc, and was paying London rent at same the time. Not sure why it's 'creepy' but each to their own. I also didn't routinely mention my savings to people, cos y'know, that's my business.
Smallgoon · 23/12/2020 12:32

@Littlebean0506

Came one here the other day and read about how a female poster was asking whether to disclose her secret savings to her partner. Answer was no, keep it secret incase you need it. Op is asking whether she should tell her partner she knows about this secret saving and the majority (of the posts I read) said yes tell him. Why is it okay for a women to keep her savings a secret but not a man? I wouldn't tell him anything, he pays the bills and mortgage on time. What he chooses to do with the rest of his money is up to him.
The sense of entitlement is shocking quite frankly. Want an equal society yet believe their money is theirs, but partners money should be shared between them... Hmm
VinylDetective · 23/12/2020 12:34

@poptartsarefood

Any partner who took photos of my private financial records would be dumped and reported to the police. The hypocrisy is real on here
Absolutely. We’ve been married for 20 years. I have a fund that my bloke knows about and that’s it. He thinks it’s less than half than it is. It’s none of his business.
LisaLee333 · 23/12/2020 12:36

@Whatisthis543 I wouldn't marry any man who thought it was OK to hide £60K from me.

LTB.

LisaLee333 · 23/12/2020 12:41

How grim, to be in a relationship where you keep 1000s of pounds in savings from each other. 'MY MONEY!!! MY MONEY.'

Urgh. Horrible. Glad to be in a marriage where we share everything, and support each other. I pity those who don't.

Viviennemary · 23/12/2020 12:45

Even grimmer to be in a relationship when partner not only rifles through your private correspondence but takes photographs. I'd immediately call it a day if somebody did that.

Nooz · 23/12/2020 12:50

Maybe, just maybe, it's not a secret but a surprise.

Trust him. x

jay55 · 23/12/2020 12:53

Isn't it pretty awesome that he pays his way and is sensible with what he has left?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/12/2020 12:55

@Viviennemary

Even grimmer to be in a relationship when partner not only rifles through your private correspondence but takes photographs. I'd immediately call it a day if somebody did that.
Exactly. I’d be exiting the relationship if a BF asked me why I hadn’t told them about my private savings or wanted to talk about what to do with them much less one who had only found out as he was going through and reading my private correspondence.
CoronaIsWatching · 23/12/2020 12:59

Sounds like you're ready to get your snout in the trough. It's his investments it's none of your business really, you're not married.

Twinkie01 · 23/12/2020 12:59

Marry him quick then half of it will be yours!

VinylDetective · 23/12/2020 13:00

@Twinkie01

Marry him quick then half of it will be yours!
Don’t think it will be!