Just found out DP has secret savings

[Whatisthis543]

Just found out my DP has 60k hidden away in ISAs that I had no idea about. Only found out as I was looking for the Homeserve paperwork and went into his paperwork stash to find it. Found a letter from an ISS company with a balance of 63k!!!! What would you do now?

He earns 20k more.

It's his money you have no claim on it. I'd wonder where it came from and why he felt the need to keep it a secret.,

Are you worried he doesn't trust you?
DH and I have been married for 30 years. I had a pre-nup when we got married but that was largely due to the equity in my house. I also had what was then a good amount in the bank and to be honest I'm not sure I told DH but he was delighted when we were able to buy our family home of choice a year or so later. As the years went on and he became the main earner I haven't always know what he's earning or what he's earning/investing in. But I do know where all the papers are

This is what I pick up too. We were the other way around - I've always been the main earner and managed all the finances/savings. DH if asked about savings would probably say "ask C8".
However we talked about this stuff before we married. We don't have quite the same views on money but we understood each other's attitudes and could accommodate them.

And whilst I manage all the money, DH also knows where the papers are.

I would say nothing at the minute - take a photo, keep it on the phone and try and keep your eye on any movement .In other words watch and wait.....
At this stage I’d be more interested to know where the money came/is coming from for him to be able to save that amount.
It may not be the best basis for what you hope is a long term relationship if you keep secrets from your partner but as he’s not been inclined to tell you about the ISAs I don’t think you’d be unreasonable not to tell him you know at this stage.

Take a photo . No.

Better than having secret debt.

Don’t say anything yet. Keep the knowledge in your head and see if he seems to be purposely concealing it when you have discussions about marriage/finances/future plans.

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. Some people don’t count money they have ‘stashed away’ because they consider it as a pension or for the future not day to day money. My brother does the same - talks about being short of cash but has money squirrelled away for future years. He’s not being deceptive, just it doesn’t figure in his day to day thoughts.

I’d expect to know each others’ finances at marriage though even if you then decide certain money pots remain the property of the other person.

Ah the old false equivalence nonsense. When women in general are financially and physically equal to men you might eventually have a point but until then will have different needs
2 adults, not married, both have separate savings.
Why should the man have to declare his finances when people openly tell women to have a secret stash?
I understand a secret stash for women in situations where DH/DP is abusive, or the woman has given up her earning potential, or spent a long time being a SAHM, needs to plan to leave the relationship etc, but don't see why when 2 adults are earning and both have separate savings why the decision to share financial infornation depends on what sex the saver is.

@Cam77

I lived with my partner for 5 years (together for 7) before I had any idea what savings he had. It only came up when buying a house together.

Sounds annoying though? You spend years thinking we can maybe afford X in Y years, and then one day five years later he pops up and said “oh BTW we can buy this one”.

@Cam77 not really, I wasn’t in any rush to buy a house together as I was enjoying being where we were, so I never really thought about it. But as soon as we decided we wanted to buy together we talked about money/savings. Prior to that we knew what each other earned but never discussed savings.

Have a think about why you feel funny. Is it because he hasn't been forthcoming and you are an upfront open-book person?

Do you spend a lot each month and he doesn't? Or does he earn a lot more than you but you both pay 50/50 so worried about unfairness? for example you take maternity and he keeps saving but you have to scrimp to still afford 'your' half?

A conversation about future finances with your fiance is sensible. Items easy to say do XYZ on a forum but the core point is that you should be able to have an open and honest conversation with your partner. X

Why should the man have to declare his finances when people openly tell women to have a secret stash?

That advice is given to women in financially or otherwise unequal relationships (which frankly, is most marriages, especially where children are involved).

The posters crying "unfair" are the posters equating that advice with the situation where two currently single people simply have different views on money and financial disclosure.

At the moment their different views may not matter but since they plan to marry they need to discuss this stuff in advance.

I mean who asks their DP if they have £££ saved away from the household finances

Any couple making a long term plan for the family finances.

Buying a house together is another of those long-term commitments when yes you do need to know each other's financial position. I don't think he was necessarily hiding it though, if it was in his pile of papers that the OP is free to go through. Just that there's an important conversation they haven't had yet

From your later posts OP it doesn't sound like this has been deliberately hidden from you, more like you haven't had a serious conversation about money yet.

If you're intending to get married, you should have a serious conversation about finances, assets, and how you'll organise them ASAP.

FWIW I don't believe that there should be secret savings in a marriage, regardless of which spouse is doing it. You should have savings that the other does not have access to (for example, premium bonds or ISAs in your name only) but that's not the same as keeping them secret.

In the event of a divorce, all assets will be considered in any case - you can't keep them concealed.

@C8H10N4O2

Interesting to see differing opinions when the tables are turned

Ah the old false equivalence nonsense. When women in general are financially and physically equal to men you might eventually have a point but until then will have different needs.

I'm fed up of "women in general" (your own word I would say non career women ) dragging the rest of is down. We have nearly exactly the same needs as men I can do everything a man can do (except some strength stuff). Some of us have no intention of children so won't take a career break to be a mum. I chose a predominantly male industry women simply do not apply for jobs (only a tiny fraction of CVs come from them) nothing at all to stop us applying. Women are more likely to go to university and have higher education than men. There is no reason apart from life choices and in the UK in 2020 children are a choice. I have the stash of money in this relationship and one of the things that puts me off marriage is the requirement to share finances effectively saying years of study sacrifice and overtime to get me to the job I have today have to be shared equally enforced by the courts.

So it is his money if you want 63k go out and earn it. There are loads of software engineering jobs that pay well over that. Be grateful you don't have a freeloading partner who is prepared to have a safety net without spending it on cars.

We had to do a 'preparation for marriage' course!

It was quite intense, over a weekend, but one thing that came out of it was the importance of being on the same page financially- even if that meant both of you were a bit profligate!

Also, in that particular country, after living together as if married for two years, legally you gained the same rights and responsibilities as if you were married; which is not the case here in the U.K.

I think the idea that after paying either equally or better, proportionally into shared household bills, each individual's cash is their own- is commendable, til one party (the woman 95% of the time) stops work to raise DC, then goes back PT in a more junior role.

What happens then? I'd be wanting to know before getting married, let alone before having DC!

FTR DH and I have no private, let alone 'secret' savings. Everything goes into a joint account that we both have equal access to. If things have to be in singular names, like ISAa we both know exactly how much is in each other's.

He is the higher earner (£65k); I'm PT on £30k; I took 5 years off work for the DC and have been PT ever since. And it would piss me off greatly if I was financially disadvantaged because of it! We're a partnership.

I'd be asking for it to be transferred into the joint savings account or for half to be transferred to your account.
I'd dump any partner who had any such expectations.

That advice is given to women in financially or otherwise unequal relationships (which frankly, is most marriages, especially where children are involved).
The posters crying "unfair" are the posters equating that advice with the situation where two currently single people simply have different views on money and financial disclosure.
At the moment their different views may not matter but since they plan to marry they need to discuss this stuff in advance.
I agree with it in the circumstances you describe because it makes sense.

I just struggle with the view that when posters ask about inheritance then women should keep theirs for them, that if they move in with a man they should have their own assets and not pay to his mortgage, that it's fine for women not to disclose their finances etc, but if a guy has savings then that should be open and shared, that a guy moving in with a woman should be paying to her mortgage because he'd have to pay rent etc.

OP and her DP need to discuss how they will manage finances once married, but I don't think he has done anything wrong by having separate savings when the OP says they both have separate savings.

I’d find it odd, but then all our money has always been ‘ours’.
I know many people keep theirs separate though.

One reason I can imagine for secret savings, is if the other is a spendaholic and would instantly find a ‘need’ for this and that, if they found out about a secret stash. Plenty of people are hopeless with money - now and then it’s self-confessed on MN.

Not suggesting that this is the case with the OP though.

@choli

I'd be asking for it to be transferred into the joint savings account or for half to be transferred to your account. I'd dump any partner who had any such expectations.

So would I.

@InFiveMins

I would hate this and despite it sounding dramatic I would be considering ending the relationship. It's secretive and unfair - its my view finances in a relationship should normally always be shared - I'd be asking for it to be transferred into the joint savings account or for half to be transferred to your account.

Eh? When they’re not married and don’t have kids?

I'd be asking for it to be transferred into the joint savings account or for half to be transferred to your account. Why?

His having savings isn't the issue. We all should have personal savings, if only a tenner!

Having savings only becomes/became an issue if OP had to help him out financially after he was furloughed. Or if she is paying 50 : 50 on all household expenses and that stops her from being able to save, allowing him to save this amount.

Now she knows it needs to be discussed. But demanding his savings become joint money when they aren't married is just daft!

Hidden or just never asked? I haven't asked how much my dp has saved, he hasn't asked me. Nothing is hidden as the statements are in the study, it's just it's not my business nor his. If/when we marry then we will need a serious conversation about life assurance, inheritance etc with us having 2 dc a piece (we aren't spring chickens) but until that happens we only have one joint asset, the house which is tenants in common with lifetime interest.

I'd be asking for it to be transferred into the joint savings account or for half to be transferred to your account.

Are you off your head? Not taking into account that getting rid of the ISA just to put the money into a savings account is a really stupid idea, but this money has fuck all to do with the OP. What has stopped her from saving money through an ISA?

To be honest really as long as he pays his fair share his spare money is his business. My fiancé has some ISA and investments and he gave me a rough idea of how much but I would not dream of thinking I had a right to know or be put off if he did not share. It's his money not mine

There has to be a compromise or more understanding of the importance of pre nups, as whilst I agree with the sharing of finances for children the wealth created or given before marriage should not automatically be seen as joint. Marriage is important for anyone who is going to reduce their earnings for childcare, but a person should be able to keep pre martial wealth. This results in the reluctance of marriage. It’s easy to share when you are roughly equal or have nothing. A bit different when it’s all one sided.