Page 13 | Just found out DP has secret savings

C8H10N4O2 · 23/12/2020 16:20

Want an equal society yet believe their money is theirs, but partners money should be shared between them...

Which neither the OP nor the vast majority of the responses have said.

But always good to see the flag being waved for the mens rights viewpoint, we so rarely hear it.

DillonPanthersTexas · 23/12/2020 17:16

Those loads of software engineering jobs - most of the adverts describe and set out to attract male candidates

Genuine question, how are these adverts set out to attract male candidates.?

AppleJane · 23/12/2020 17:45

@LolaSmiles I just don't agree that it's about greed.

If it's okay to have secrets in a relationship then where does that end? A secret love child, a criminal record? What's the point of being in a relationship at all?

I find it weird that people don't trust or talk anymore. It's not a commitment. It's a Mr/Mrs Right Now attitude.

I'm glad you talked OP and have openness together now.

One rule for me and another for my partner.

saraclara · 23/12/2020 17:51

The word secret is being bandied about on here with absolutely no regard for accuracy.

Just because you don't know about something, doesn't make it a 'secret'.

AppleJane · 23/12/2020 17:59

Is that like a lie isn't a lie if you're not specifically asked? Lying by omission? If you can't trust your partner why be with them?

LolaSmiles · 23/12/2020 18:29

AppleJane
I think it is about greed. The OP has been reasonable and on the whole this thread has been a lot more balanced than similar threads, but there is still a fair few responses that are greed driven
Eg. talk about trying to trick him by mentioning something that costs money, demand his savings go into a joint account (when the OP had already said they both have separate savings), people saying they'd expect half of his savings, take photos of his bank statements to have the upper hand.

Having savings when you've got partially separate finances and aren't married is in no way comparable to having 60k in debt or a secret child or whatever other false equivalence is out there.

Then again, I find the whole 'DH and I tell each other everything because we don't have secrets' to be a bizarre approach to a relationship. I would find it suffocating to be in a relationship with a man who expected me to go out my way to explain what I've spent, what I've saved, who I saw, etc to avoid being accused of lying because 'you didn't specifically tell me you went for lunch'. Those with the smug no secrets approach also seem to think nothing of betraying their friends' confidences because for some reason them and DH areea single entity and incapable of functioning separately. It doesn't strike me as the sign of a trusting relationship tbh.

BlueThistles · 23/12/2020 18:38

@VinylDetective

I'd be asking for it to be transferred into the joint savings account or for half to be transferred to your account.

I’d be telling you to fuck off. Since when did you become entitled to someone else’s money?

I'm horribly shocked by the entitlement of this too... why does 3 years together equate to half of his £64K life savings .. I'm stunned

LadyWithLapdog · 23/12/2020 18:41

OP I’m glad it’s all so casual. I’m surprised so many people have the cash and the energy to organise all these amazing savings pots and to keep them hidden from their partners.

VinylDetective · 23/12/2020 18:42

Those with the smug no secrets approach also seem to think nothing of betraying their friends' confidences because for some reason them and DH areea single entity and incapable of functioning separately

This x 1000. I have just one friend I can trust in this respect and she says I’m the only one she’s got. It’s dreadful.

LadyWithLapdog · 23/12/2020 18:46

@LolaSmiles I share money with my DH not because I’m smug but because he’s my best and most trusted friend. I might not volunteer the cost of a haircut but I would if he asked, or he can work it out anytime from the joint account. But big stuff, 60k?? How do you omit stashing away hundreds of £ a month? Assuming average or above earnings, not gazillionaires where it wouldn’t matter.

MotherToBee · 23/12/2020 18:53

Could not have agreed more!

BenoneBeauty · 23/12/2020 18:55

Well done Op - nice to see couples having an honest discussion and there being a decent resolution. He sounds like a good egg planning for your future together and for future DCs.

saraclara · 23/12/2020 18:55

Those with the smug no secrets approach also seem to think nothing of betraying their friends' confidences because for some reason them and DH areea single entity and incapable of functioning separately.

OMG this.

I find so few people agree with me on this, that it's actually scary. For most of my life it never occurred to me that if I told a female friend something in confidence, apparently I'd agreed to her husband/partner/SO knowing every detail. But I discovered via another forum, that I'm entirely unreasonable to assume that a confidence told to one person is just that. It's quite disturbing to me that so many couples seem to operate as one person, and that every single conversation is relayed back to so many womens' partners, even if it's clearly intended to be private and confidential.

It's one of the reasons I rarely share anything with people now.

AppleJane · 23/12/2020 18:55

Those with the smug no secrets approach also seem to think nothing of betraying their friends' confidences

Seems a bizarre stretch!

The OP isn't a gold digger in a new relationship in which I'd agree it's best not to divulge everything. But they've agreed to marry and surely now is the time for honesty. I don't think she's going to suddenly betray all her friends just because they have openness!!

LolaSmiles · 23/12/2020 19:40

LadyWithLapdog
You're married and you choose to have joint finances and that's fine. Some people choose to have separate finances and that's fine too. Others choose to have some shared and some separate,and that's also fine.

At the moment,the OP and her DP aren't married and both have independent savings. So it seems like the only issue is that he has a lot in savings. If he didn't save, would everyone saying he should account for how he spends all his income after bills are paid? Would they be saying that he is lying by omission if he fails to declare that he bought himself a nice watch?

I agree they should have a conversation about finances and how it would work when married. I just don't agree that there's anything untoward about two adults with separate savings not giving each other updates on the independent elements of their finances.

AppleJane
It's not a stretch at all.
I don't think financial openness means someone would betray their friends' confidence. I couldn't care less how people structure their finances. Not everyone who has openness and shared finances goes on about 'we have no secrets, why would I be with DH if I didn't have total honesty about everything'.

It's those who smugly witter on about how they don't have secrets,tell their DH everything, that they divulge everything without question because their relationship is so trusting tend to (in my experience) also think nothing of telling their DH in detail everything that was said on girls' nights out, or their friend's difficult situation.

sbhydrogen · 23/12/2020 20:36

Those loads of software engineering jobs - most of the adverts describe and set out to attract male candidates

No, no, that's DevOps

AppleJane · 23/12/2020 20:37

@LolaSmiles
You've used the word 'smug' a number of times now.

So we should all make sure we don't talk too much to our partners in case we are seen to be smug?

I don't get it.

The OP said that she would have been less anxious about furlough had she known. That alone is good enough to convince me it's good to talk.

CraftyGin · 23/12/2020 20:38

@Whatisthis543

Just found out my DP has 60k hidden away in ISAs that I had no idea about. Only found out as I was looking for the Homeserve paperwork and went into his paperwork stash to find it. Found a letter from an ISS company with a balance of 63k!!!! What would you do now?

If you are not married, there is no richer or poorer.

AppleJane · 23/12/2020 20:40

Read the OPs updates!

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 23/12/2020 20:51

Regarding finances and unmarried folks - I think declaring debt is more important /relevant than disclosing savings!!

LolaSmiles · 23/12/2020 20:56

AppleJane
Yes I have, because I'm talking about a particular attitude that is smug.

It's not talking to partners, nor is it how people structure their finances that's the issue. Sigh. I've simply said that in my experience people who smugly go on about how they 'love their DH so couldn't imagine ever not telling them everything all the time... oh me and DH could never have secrets... what's the point in being together if you keep things from each other' seem to think that being in a relationship means them and DH are a single entity, and they usually are quick to share everything from their friends too because after all 'I love and trust my DH'.
It's the attitude that I have an issue with, not how individual couples choose to structure their finances.

I talk to my DH and we have shared finances. I just find some of the 'oh no I couldn't possibly have anything secret from DP' responses to be a bit odd.

lovepickledlimes · 23/12/2020 20:59

@LolaSmiles while I agree with I do also feel like certain secrets if it puts me in a difficult situation my DP would be the person I talk to about what I should do etc

LolaSmiles · 23/12/2020 21:08

lovepickledlimes
Then you could still ask for advice in the abstract.

I've floated situations past DH saying 'one of my colleagues was saying...' and then tell the situation where I'm in the colleague's position, or as he doesn't know lots about my friends' personal lives then I can discuss a hypothetical situation without him working out who I am talking about (the latter is probably harder to do for people who regularly overshare).

I'm just not convinced that the claims of telling each other everything /couldn't possibly have secret is necessarily the sign of a brilliant and trusting relationship that those making the claims think it is.

lovepickledlimes · 23/12/2020 21:14

@LolaSmiles ok I kind of get your point. I do feel like I would not be able to keep big massive secrets especially where the friend is something at least moraly grey or wrong because I would need to discuss how exactly I should handle situation as he is my go to person for advice etc

LolaSmiles · 23/12/2020 21:18

lovepickledlimes There are always exceptions where needs must, if someone's default setting isn't tell everything on every topic then that's fine.

I'm still wondering based on this thread whether I need to specifically disclose to DH that I bought myself some new active gear and the amount spent. It came out of my pot, but parts of this thread has shown me that everything financial must be specifically accounted for with one's partner, else it's lying by omission and keeping secrets.