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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want his adult kids round

182 replies

WilsonMilson · 22/12/2020 08:26

So, DH has 2 kids from his first marriage. They are both early 20s.
He wants them to come over on Christmas Eve to exchange presents etc.

Normally of course this would be absolutely fine, but because of bloody Covid they haven’t been here since summer (when it felt safer) and I’m really unhappy about it, but feel unreasonable as it’s his kids. DH sees them more often, but he meets them for hikes and cycling etc.!

The thing is, I know they have been out socialising and rule breaking and not paying a jot of attention to the rules. Covid has been rife in the workplace of the 2nd, and I’ve heard stories of parties etc.

I’m very anxious. I have been so careful and honestly just don’t want them in my house, it’s making me jittery and tearful to even think about it, which is probably pathetic but this is what 2020 has brought me to. I don’t really want anyone in my house at the moment given that mutant ninja covid is now spreading, and especially people whom I know aren’t being careful themselves.

DH is adamant they are coming, and I feel like an awful person to put my foot down. What would you do?

OP posts:
Justanotherdayina · 22/12/2020 08:28

If they were your children would you see them?

diversity101 · 22/12/2020 08:29

Do you normally feel this anxious or is this new/COVID related?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 22/12/2020 08:34

Is this withings he rules where you are? Could you suggest a compromise eg do you have a room like a shed or conservatory that he could meet them in and stay in there with windows open and have hot drinks etc and then shut it off for a few days after? Or could he do it in the garden? Or go out for a meal with them? What does your husband say about the possibility of bringing covid into your home? Are you medically vulnerable?

Dozer · 22/12/2020 08:35

Unless the visit would be against the rules, and/or you’re v vulnerable, YABU.

SoupDragon · 22/12/2020 08:36

do you have a room like a shed...

A shed?!

ZenNudist · 22/12/2020 08:36

Are you both vulnerable? Trying to understand why you are so anxious. The hand wringing "I've heard talk of parties" makes you sound a bit ridiculous sorry. Just keep your distance when they come round.

Justanotherdayina · 22/12/2020 08:37

Or a stable with a mangerXmas Wink

Crazycrazylady · 22/12/2020 08:39

Honestly if they we my kids and were in same tier they'd be coming over to my house of Xmas eve and you could put your foot down all you wanted and I wouldn't care. Shock

CorianderBlues · 22/12/2020 08:39

Gently, YABU.

It's been a shitty year, I would be minded to let them come. If you're not hugely at risk then life needs some comfort. The fact you're jittery and tearful, I think, shows how bad this year has been.

Give yourself some normality. I hope whatever you decide, you have a lovely time Smile

Oh, and mutant ninja virus... Grin

Popgoesthebubble · 22/12/2020 08:41

Yanbu to not want to break the rules.

Original poster
WilsonMilson · 22/12/2020 08:43

We have a garage, but I can’t imagine DH would be impressed if I suggested we sit in there. I wondered about sitting bundled up in the garden, but the forecast isn’t very good for Thursday.

Technically it is against the rules to have them at all as we are only meant to be socialising with another household on Christmas Day. We aren’t in a bubble with them as they seem to be part of a few other so called bubbles.

I’m not usually so anxious, but covid has made me a bit mental and I’ve got a couple of health issues that are ongoing - nothing that should make me more vulnerable to a a respiratory illness, but it’s heightened my fears.

Of course, if they were my children I would want to see them, and that’s where I realise I’m probably being unreasonable. I just think it’s an unnecessary risk at this point that we shouldn’t be taking.

OP posts:
Aspiringmatriarch · 22/12/2020 08:43

Yanbu if they've been ignoring the rules. I wouldn't do it, the new strain seems to be particularly virulent. Would not be a nice Christmas present. I think you're going to have to put your foot down.

FrankskinnerscRoc · 22/12/2020 08:46

@SoupDragon

do you have a room like a shed...

A shed?!

Room 101?
Original poster
WilsonMilson · 22/12/2020 08:46

I know I must sound like an awful hand wringer, I’m embarrassed by what this whole year has done to me!

OP posts:
Justanotherdayina · 22/12/2020 08:46

Yes, then I do think you are being unfair to them. Like you said you would see your own kids, so it's not really the risks/covid that's stopping you.

Neverbeme · 22/12/2020 08:47

How long is the visit? Can you go out and leave them to it?

Justanotherdayina · 22/12/2020 08:47

@WilsonMilson

I know I must sound like an awful hand wringer, I’m embarrassed by what this whole year has done to me!
At least you can see this. It has been rubbish hasn't it !
Starseeking · 22/12/2020 08:49

If they were your DC, you'd feel differently (I know I would), so try and see it from your DH's perspective, that he'd like to see his DC, especially if he's not seen them for months. As far as I'm aware, it's not against the rules for DC with separated parents to move between houses.

However if it makes you feel that uncomfortable, you've only really got two options, as you can't realistically stop them coming:

  • you keep out of the way while they are visiting
  • you go out of the house while they are there, and return when they're gone

Neither are great options to be honest, but the only thing you are able to control in this situation, is where you are in all this.

Fishfingersandwichplease · 22/12/2020 08:49

OP can you keep your mask on and keep your distance from them? Would that make you feel safer? I have been v chilled throughout this whole thing but still stuck to the rules and managed to swerve it so far and obvs want that to continue. Am in tier 4 so has taken the pressure of family members wanting to come over when l think they shouldn't- had a feeling the rules would change so thought it best to say don't come but still felt really bad about it.

carbhunter · 22/12/2020 08:50

Could you isolate when they come over and not see them? Say hi from the top of the stairs, apologise and tell them in advance that you don't want to be rude but you are worried and would prefer not to socialise indoors?

Pp are trying to be helpful by telling you that you are being overanxious, forgetting the fact that people are becoming very sick from this virus and dying every day. You are not weird for not wanting to be one of them.

I'm in my 30s and have had nobody in my house since March. I'm not overly anxious and feel fairly chilled about everything, I'm just following guidance and have only met people outdoors. Luckily my husband is on the same page and I would be unimpressed if he just invited over his family and ignored my feelings. That's the real problem you have here, that your husband doesn't agree with you and is willing to disregard your perfectly valid fears about the risk.

PeterPickerPacker · 22/12/2020 08:50

Love how everyone is all THE RULESSSSS until it's a step mum talking about not wanting to see her rule breaking adult SC 😂

If they've been breaking the rules then obviously YANBU.

catchabreak2020 · 22/12/2020 08:50

Don’t care who they are if they’re acting reckless they’d not be coming in my house 😂

Dozer · 22/12/2020 08:51

Your H will strongly disagree that seeing his DC for the day is ‘unnecessary risk’.

It’s good that you can acknowledge your anxiety and do things to help with it. Avoiding situations that you’re anxious about usually doesn’t help, quite the opposite.

HotGlueGun · 22/12/2020 08:53

I don't think you're being unreasonable actually. His children are of an age that they should be able to understand why you are uncomfortable with this. I think you can still have a lovely time with them but outside... tell them to wrap up warm, get some blankets and hot water bottles, some mulled wine on the go and have a lovely festive time outside. If the weather's not looking great, could you borrow a cheap gazebo from someone or sit in the garage? I know it's not the nicest but if you went to a bit of effort, I reckon you could decorate it and have a bit of fun with it. Don't apologise for your anxiety, it's totally understandable.

Norwester · 22/12/2020 08:53

See, 'technically' against the rules is ...against the rules.

So YANBU. Don't have them over.