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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want his adult kids round

182 replies

WilsonMilson · 22/12/2020 08:26

So, DH has 2 kids from his first marriage. They are both early 20s.
He wants them to come over on Christmas Eve to exchange presents etc.

Normally of course this would be absolutely fine, but because of bloody Covid they haven’t been here since summer (when it felt safer) and I’m really unhappy about it, but feel unreasonable as it’s his kids. DH sees them more often, but he meets them for hikes and cycling etc.!

The thing is, I know they have been out socialising and rule breaking and not paying a jot of attention to the rules. Covid has been rife in the workplace of the 2nd, and I’ve heard stories of parties etc.

I’m very anxious. I have been so careful and honestly just don’t want them in my house, it’s making me jittery and tearful to even think about it, which is probably pathetic but this is what 2020 has brought me to. I don’t really want anyone in my house at the moment given that mutant ninja covid is now spreading, and especially people whom I know aren’t being careful themselves.

DH is adamant they are coming, and I feel like an awful person to put my foot down. What would you do?

OP posts:
Silentplikebath · 22/12/2020 11:37

YANBU

It’s very clear that it’s because of people like your husband and step children that we will all be back in a strict lockdown very soon. Your DH is a selfish idiot and his children obviously take after him!

dinglethedragon · 22/12/2020 11:46

@Justanotherdayina

If they were your children would you see them?
I'm not seeing my own adult DC indoors for similar reasons, they have been living a different life to me. The OPs DH has been seeing them throughout - why do they need to come indoors when we know this is a prime means of transmission, outdoors is so much safer.

I fully understand @WilsonMilson's caution, why risk transmitting the virus, it doesn't make sense.

Mittens030869 · 22/12/2020 11:50

I agree that YANBU, but I’m not surprised that the voting is at around 50/50. It’s been such a shitty year, and so many people are desperate to see their families after months of not being able to.

The key thing here, though, is that her adult SDC haven’t been sticking to the rules. They could very easily have the virus but be asymptomatic.

The fact that this is a stepmum talking about her DDC shouldn’t be relevant at all. But it always brings out the worst in a certain group of posters who love to bash stepmums without considering the actual dilemma at hand.

Once again, we get told that the virus isn’t a risk at all if you’re not elderly or very vulnerable. As a long Covid sufferer, I can tell you that this really isn’t true, sadly. Eight months in, I’m still not over it, though I’m a lot better than I was in the spring and summer. It really isn’t worth risking that just for the sake of one day.

Butterymuffin · 22/12/2020 11:58

Can't they meet you outside? We have been doing this with everyone even family. For young healthy adults a walk outside to exchange presents should be fine.

DonkeyMcFluff · 22/12/2020 11:59

I would say no, and if DH breaks the rules and sees them I’d insist on having no contact with him for 10 days.

TheySayHurray · 22/12/2020 12:15

@arevioletsreallyblue

In that case I'd be upset that my DH had no respect for the fact that it wasn't just his house and I'd feel like I had no say in what went on in my home and it would be causing issues between me and DH. It shouldn't just be DH and his children who decide what happens in the home. I hate it when SMs are expected to have absolutely no say over anything and just go along with a smile even when they don't agree. Sod that, it's her home too so yeah, I'd be making it known to DH that I was mad about it.

Imagine this from the DH's side.

"In that case I'd be upset that my DW had no respect for that fact that it wasn't just her house to dictate about and I'd have no say about what's going on in my own home and it would be causing issues between us. It shouldn't just be DW and her handwringing anxieties who decide what happens in the home. I hate it when DW expects my to put her before my children and me just smile along with it. Sod that, it's my home too, I'd be making it known to DW that I was mad about it."

It goes both ways, it's both of their houses. A compromise needs to be found and once it is neither partner can sulk about it. It's a shared house, no one gets to 'put their foot down'.

If his wife's ADULT children had been out partying I'd agree with him!
TheySayHurray · 22/12/2020 12:17

At what age do you stop treating your children like babies who come before everyone else?

They've broken the rules. They've been to parties for Christ's sake. They are grown ups, not children.

In that situation I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the DHs wife to come first with her very genuine concern about contracting the virus because of their idiocy.

RainMoon · 22/12/2020 12:34

If you’re not allowed due to covid rules, then meet them on the garage or go and meet them in a park somewhere.

Cheeseandwin5 · 22/12/2020 12:41

This is not a SM issue, even though some want to steer it that way.

YABU

Not because you want to stay within your bubble, I think thats understandable and fair.
No the reason YABU is because if the tables were turned and it was your children than you would be seeing them.

Lookslikerainted · 22/12/2020 12:53

This is why step parents get a bad name.

Itsnotagazebo · 22/12/2020 13:05

YANBU. This is why it spreads round.
Can you suggest a walk out and a flask of hot chocolate and biscuits instead?

pickingdaisies · 22/12/2020 13:22

The OP didn't say she WOULD be seeing them if it were her own DC.
She said that she would WANT to see them.
I WANT to see my DC. I'm not because rules, T4, new infectious covid strain, health issues. Those factors remain the same. The fact that she's the SM is neither here nor there, except that it seems to have diminished her voice.

akittencalledjesus · 22/12/2020 13:44

No the reason YABU is because if the tables were turned and it was your children than you would be seeing them.

Oh FFS, stop creating a fictional narrative. You have nothing to back up your, frankly, wild assumptions.

WeThreeKingsofOrientAre · 22/12/2020 13:48

If husband wants to see them and exchange gifts, why aren’t they just doing what they’ve been doing during lockdown and meet outdoors? It’s supposed to be sunny on Christmas Eve.

VapeVamp12 · 22/12/2020 14:07

Family is more important than sticking to the rules for the sake of it.

I prefer my family alive thanks

RainMoon · 22/12/2020 14:11

Snap @VapeVamp12
We’ve all said we would rather not see each other and be alive to celebrate together next year.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 22/12/2020 14:13

@Nowaynothappening

the Christmas rules are arbitrary. What is unlawful on Christmas Eve, suddenly becomes lawful at midnight.

Totally agree with this. If they come at 8pm you’re breaking the rules but if they turn up at midnight it’s ok. Fucking bonkers.

That is an awfully skewed way of looking at it!

A relaxation of rules to allow a minimal Christmas isn't the same as a virus with it's own wristwatch!

OverTheRubicon · 22/12/2020 14:15

All the people thinking this is reasonable are why we'll have a Christmas covid explosion.

I'm hardly a virus panicker, my kids have gone to school, I've seen friends (outside) and strolled through shops. But socialising indoors is a major transmission vector, and with rates as they are, if everyone catches up with just a couple of loved ones numbers will balloon.

OP yanbu. Catching up outside sounds lovely, you can meet in the garden or.a park for mulled wine, gifts and a walk.

Jenasaurus · 22/12/2020 14:21

I understand your anxiety, A friend of my DD has just tested positive after a present exchange last week in a similar scenario. She had been really careful but the people that dropped off the presents had been socialising so ended up dropping off a lot more than the gifts. This wouldnt normally matter as she isnt vulnerable but her DM has just had surgery for cancer so this now means her bubble for christmas wont work for her and they will spend Christmas alone.

Mittens030869 · 22/12/2020 14:35

@RainMoon

Same with us. We're not spending Christmas with either my DM or my MIL (aged 81 and 80 respectively). Apart from a brief meet-up with my DM to hand over presents.

We're waiting until they've had their vaccines so that we can really enjoy quality time without putting them at risk of catching the virus. It's their choice as well.

PugInTheHouse · 22/12/2020 15:18

They are not children, they are adults so they should not be breaking the rules. I dont really see how its different from people in their 30s or 40s not seeing their parents. My parents will drop our presents at the front door and we will do the same. They won't be coming in the house as per the rules

Icenii · 22/12/2020 15:23

I've said no to adult stepchildren staying over night Christmas eve. One is very is happy. It will pass.

Icenii · 22/12/2020 15:23

Unhappy!

Original poster
WilsonMilson · 22/12/2020 15:47

We just had a huge row about it. I tried to say calmly how unsafe it felt and that I am worried and also that I was a bit aggrieved that he went ahead and asked them without checking with me first.

Apparently I’m ruining all of Christmas by feeling like this and if I don’t let them come then I’ll have a totally spoiled DH’s Christmas.

I suggested sitting in the garden, that didn’t go down well. He says he doesn’t want to meet them in ‘some car park somewhere’.

I’m sitting here in tears. Honestly this has just pushed me over the edge of an already shit enough time. I’ve been trying to hold things together and look forward to Christmas, even though I’m not seeing my parents. I’ve been trying to feel cheerful and pushing myself to keep going and do everything I need to do, despite despairing over the latest developments. I honestly just want to crawl into my bed and! stay there.

OP posts:
Canwecancel2020 · 22/12/2020 16:00

Bless you. In which case I would be tempted to print out the hygiene instructions upthread, be friendly but pointedly stay 2m away and wear a mask the whole time.