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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want his adult kids round

182 replies

WilsonMilson · 22/12/2020 08:26

So, DH has 2 kids from his first marriage. They are both early 20s.
He wants them to come over on Christmas Eve to exchange presents etc.

Normally of course this would be absolutely fine, but because of bloody Covid they haven’t been here since summer (when it felt safer) and I’m really unhappy about it, but feel unreasonable as it’s his kids. DH sees them more often, but he meets them for hikes and cycling etc.!

The thing is, I know they have been out socialising and rule breaking and not paying a jot of attention to the rules. Covid has been rife in the workplace of the 2nd, and I’ve heard stories of parties etc.

I’m very anxious. I have been so careful and honestly just don’t want them in my house, it’s making me jittery and tearful to even think about it, which is probably pathetic but this is what 2020 has brought me to. I don’t really want anyone in my house at the moment given that mutant ninja covid is now spreading, and especially people whom I know aren’t being careful themselves.

DH is adamant they are coming, and I feel like an awful person to put my foot down. What would you do?

OP posts:

Orf1abc · 22/12/2020 09:23

For everyone saying it's against the rules, the Christmas rules are arbitrary. What is unlawful on Christmas Eve, suddenly becomes lawful at midnight. If you're so determined to stick to the rules, I suggest they delay their visit by a few hours and come at midnight.

VapeVamp12 · 22/12/2020 09:24

Love how everyone is all THE RULESSSSS until it's a step mum talking about not wanting to see her rule breaking adult SC

Exactly what I thought after reading the first few responses! We are in the same boat OP, my husband has two adult children from his first marriage. We were hosting Xmas Day but we are in Tier 4 now and they are in Tier 2 (we're literally on the border). We've cancelled Christmas Day and they are beyond livid. Both have been seeing friends, using public transport etc and I am not taking the risk. We've also cancelled my parents on Boxinf Day and my husbands parents on 27th.

Nowaynothappening · 22/12/2020 09:25

the Christmas rules are arbitrary. What is unlawful on Christmas Eve, suddenly becomes lawful at midnight.

Totally agree with this. If they come at 8pm you’re breaking the rules but if they turn up at midnight it’s ok. Fucking bonkers.

PeterPickerPacker · 22/12/2020 09:27

Just to add, if they'd been following the rules, I actually would see them on Christmas Eve if you're not doing Christmas Day

But if they are stupid enough to be going to parties etc... Then no sorry it's their own fault. They are adults, not children.

I would say the same about my own DC, it's nothing to do with them being step.

They chose to increase their risk by breaking rules and going to parties. They and your husband don't get to unilaterally choose that they are going to increase yours too.

I'm seeing my Dad on Christmas. I certainly wouldn't be going to any parties beforehand because I don't want to risk making him ill!

Starseeking · 22/12/2020 09:27

Stepmums can never be in the right (I am one myself).

Your DH is clearly not going to give ground on this issue, despite it not being allowed (I see I was wrong about children moving between houses because they are adults).

As previous posters have suggested, you're not wrong, but you're not going to "win", so you need to make the best of it. Try and manage your anxieties by explaining to them beforehand why you're keeping separate, and then follow thorough. Just be mindful that your DH might accuse of you of hating his DC (mine has done so for similar reasons).

PeterPickerPacker · 22/12/2020 09:30

@Orf1abc

It's not really about whether or not it's on the right day or not for me. If I wasn't going to do Christmas Day, I'd do Christmas Eve instead and not feel guilty about it.

It's the fact they have been continuously breaking the rules previously (going to parties wtf?).

I wouldn't want anyone in my house who'd been doing that. Don't care who it is.

LAMPS1 · 22/12/2020 09:34

You shouldn’t feel embarrassed by your instinct to stay covid safe, especially as your potential guests appear not to share any concerns. Your step children should themselves, be responsible enough not to want to bring any risk to your door. But it seems they aren’t so somebody else must step in with some common sense - as strongly advised by the scientists and government. That obviously has to be you as your DH isn’t strong enough to say no to his own. I would try again to talk to him so that he realises that he must change his thinking on this.
Maybe he will then be willing to make some sort of outdoor compromise ... Christmas Eve picnic with lovely food and mulled wine maybe ?

If not, spell it out to him that you will stay upstairs and greet them from a distance. Keep all the windows open then get the anti virus stuff out and do a massive wipe down as soon as they have gone. Covid isn’t a joke. Especially this new strain.

bigbluebus · 22/12/2020 09:36

I can't believe how many people are saying you should allow it. Unless you live in a Tier 1 area then it is not allowed and there's a good reason for that - to prevent the risk of spreading the virus - which is at greatest risk of spreading in exactly the indoor situation the OPS DH is suggesting. These are adults not small children - time for them to grow up and accept that they can't always do what they want - but as their father hasn't learnt that yet then I guess there's no hope!

Stick to your guns OP. They wouldn't be coming into my house either.

PeterPickerPacker · 22/12/2020 09:40

You seem to know that stopping them from coming would be wrong

Why would it be wrong? If OP had posted that her MIL had been going to parties and breaking the rules everyone would be telling her to not let her round.

Why is wrong in this instance? They've been breaking rules, going to parties etc... For goodness sake. They are not children. They are adults. They can make a choice whether to stick to the rules or to go to a party and OP should then be able to make a choice about whether she wants that additional risk brought into her home.

Xerochrysum · 22/12/2020 09:40

I don't think you are unreasonable if it's against the rules. But also agree that the rules are a bit silly too.

If they are coming just to exchange presents, can you make you feel safe by taking all the measures like mask wearing, sd and opening windows etc?
If they are coming on eve or the Christmas day doesn't change the odds of getting infected or not.

PeterPickerPacker · 22/12/2020 09:42

If they are coming on eve or the Christmas day doesn't change the odds of getting infected or not

That's not the problem as far as I can tell from the OP?

charlestonchaplin · 22/12/2020 09:43

It’s not just a question of the risk of death. The stories of previously fit and well people, including physicians, who are now disabled and unable to work due to long COVID is concerning. With the vaccine programme being implemented, it’s not unreasonable to take steps to avoid catching COVID until large numbers have been vaccinated. Also, understanding and treatment of COVID is improving as time goes on. If I’m going to get it, I’d prefer that to be as late as possible so if I need hospital treatment my chances of surviving with minimal ongoing problems is minimised.

Jobsharenightmare · 22/12/2020 09:43

Yes them coming on Christmas Day would be just as stupid.

gingerbiscuits · 22/12/2020 09:47

Your husband & his ADULT kids are being selfish & pathetic. They need to get a grip & do what everyone else SHOULD be doing right now! They can do a socially distanced present swap &/or outdoor visit in a public place.

No-one is having the family Christmas they want this year; we're all making sacrifices & compromises for the greater good. If my actual young kids can understand, then so can his!! Put your foot down.

Xerochrysum · 22/12/2020 09:48

PeterPickerPacker, I know that. But Op stated that she would see them if they were her own children.

gingerbiscuits · 22/12/2020 09:48

And them coming Christmas Day makes it no better either - that rule is ridiculous- Covid19 won't take the day off!

MagicSummer · 22/12/2020 09:48

OP, I'm in the same position as you, although luckily both my husband and his children are quite happy to exchange presents on the doorstep and go! They have not been in our house since March and won't be coming any time soon as there are grandchildren too, who are at school and I'm just not risking it! If you HAVE to allow them into your house, make sure you disinfect everything they have touched as soon as they have gone.

WeAllHaveWings · 22/12/2020 09:48

Honestly OP you are absolutely not being unreasonable.

The social distancing rules are there for good reason, especially now. Ignore the covid deniers, they helped to get us in this bloody mess and not worth your attention.

queenofknives · 22/12/2020 09:52

Family is more important than sticking to the rules for the sake of it. If you feel you're physically vulnerable, then you can explain that you won't be hugging and you will keep a bit of distance. I'm sure they'll understand. But I think you have to accept that family is hugely important, and keeping families apart from each other after such a long and difficult year is just cruel. I appreciate you feel a bit mental - I think we all do! But maybe having a relaxed time with loved ones, sharing food and laughter, might be just what you need to help regain some perspective and balance.

PeterPickerPacker · 22/12/2020 09:52

To add, I am mid 20s so not far off your DSC age.

I am married, in my own home with children. I am an adult not a child and I am responsible for myself.

I would never go to a party and the stroll into my dad's house or be annoyed if he was then uncomfortable with me coming round at the moment. I'd feel absolutely awful if I gave something to him and his wife. It doesn't matter than I'm his 'child'. I am, but I'm also an adult now and my choices have consequences of which I should be able to understand by now.

I am seeing my Dad on Christmas Day, if I'd done something high risk I certainly wouldn't be.

Starseeking · 22/12/2020 09:54

For those posters saying they wouldn't be coming through your door, you're forgetting that the OP's DH is saying they ARE coming.

What are you suggesting she do? Physically stop them from entering the house when her DH who also lives there is welcoming them with open arms?!?

The OP needs practical, realistic advice, not people just posting that it wouldn't be happening in their house.

Belladonna12 · 22/12/2020 09:58

YANBU. It's easy for people to say that you would feel differently if they were your own children that if they were you would probably be able to trust them not to break the rules the week or two before Christmas. I am quite vulnerable but still happy for my young adult DC to stay because I know they don't want to kill me.

PeterPickerPacker · 22/12/2020 09:59

@Starseeking

For those posters saying they wouldn't be coming through your door, you're forgetting that the OP's DH is saying they ARE coming.

What are you suggesting she do? Physically stop them from entering the house when her DH who also lives there is welcoming them with open arms?!?

The OP needs practical, realistic advice, not people just posting that it wouldn't be happening in their house.

In that case I'd be upset that my DH had no respect for the fact that it wasn't just his house and I'd feel like I had no say in what went on in my home and it would be causing issues between me and DH. It shouldn't just be DH and his children who decide what happens in the home. I hate it when SMs are expected to have absolutely no say over anything and just go along with a smile even when they don't agree. Sod that, it's her home too so yeah, I'd be making it known to DH that I was mad about it.

As for OP saying she'd want to see her own kids (not that she would see them), I get that. And I get why DH wants to see his kids. If OP genuinely would see her own children in this situation and not her SC then I agree that part is unreasonable.

LaceyBetty · 22/12/2020 09:59

I can't get my head around posters saying she's being unreasonable. It is 100% against the rules. We are all sacrificing seeing family this year aren't we? I'm not seeing my parents.

But, I'm not sure what OP can do about it if her DH is insisting - short of making it known she's. Or happy about it.

ThirstyGhost · 22/12/2020 10:00

@FitterHappierMoreProductive

They’re his children. If you didn’t want a partner with older children you shouldn’t have married him. End of.

Here it is - the step mum hatred. This comment is so ridiculous.

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