To not want his adult kids round

[WilsonMilson]

So, DH has 2 kids from his first marriage. They are both early 20s.
He wants them to come over on Christmas Eve to exchange presents etc.

Normally of course this would be absolutely fine, but because of bloody Covid they haven’t been here since summer (when it felt safer) and I’m really unhappy about it, but feel unreasonable as it’s his kids. DH sees them more often, but he meets them for hikes and cycling etc.!

The thing is, I know they have been out socialising and rule breaking and not paying a jot of attention to the rules. Covid has been rife in the workplace of the 2nd, and I’ve heard stories of parties etc.

I’m very anxious. I have been so careful and honestly just don’t want them in my house, it’s making me jittery and tearful to even think about it, which is probably pathetic but this is what 2020 has brought me to. I don’t really want anyone in my house at the moment given that mutant ninja covid is now spreading, and especially people whom I know aren’t being careful themselves.

DH is adamant they are coming, and I feel like an awful person to put my foot down. What would you do?

I’d be equally unhappy if they were to come on Christmas Day tbh. I think I feel I’m being unreasonable as I know if it were my children I’d probably feel differently and I don’t ever want to make them feel unwelcome.

We aren’t travelling to see any of my family, and I don’t see why we should take unnecessary risks.

I was also really miffed that DH went and asked them without consulting me first, so now I will look like an asshole if he has to go back and cancel. We’ve already had an argument about it, and he seems quite entrenched in his position.
Even if I were to go out, which seems so rude, I wouldn’t know what they’d touched and what to disinfect.

It’s just an extra stress I could well do without.

@queenofknives

Family is more important than sticking to the rules for the sake of it. If you feel you're physically vulnerable, then you can explain that you won't be hugging and you will keep a bit of distance. I'm sure they'll understand. But I think you have to accept that family is hugely important, and keeping families apart from each other after such a long and difficult year is just cruel. I appreciate you feel a bit mental - I think we all do! But maybe having a relaxed time with loved ones, sharing food and laughter, might be just what you need to help regain some perspective and balance.

I don't see why OP should risk her life so the stepchildren can party. They are adults and if they can't make the effort for the sake of family why should she?

I know if it were my children I’d probably feel differently and I don’t ever want to make them feel unwelcome

I do understand this. People often feel more strongly about their own DC than their SC, it's human nature.

But I do think it's unreasonable even if understandable as obviously the SC are to your husband what your DC would be to you. He feels about them what you say you'd feel about your DC in this situation. But I think you get that.

I don't think YABU as a whole though to not want people who've been breaking rules in such a way to come into your home.

I can see his argument that Christmas Eve is just your christmas. But I assume they're coming Christmas Eve because on Christmas Day they're going somewhere else? Which is, of course, against the rules.

Personally, while I have deep sympathy for your DH, I do think this is not on. It's just spitting in the face of all the people who are, reluctantly and sadly, following the rules as they have been laid out. I'd say exchange gifts at door, he can go for a walk with them if he likes and leave it at that.

As you’ve said you’re only allowed to break lockdown on Christmas Day I’m assuming you’re in Wales same as me. I wouldn’t be happy with them coming over either. It’s really bad here, rule breakers or not.

Fwiw, my own kids aren’t able to see their dad at all (a long train journey away and lives with elderly vulnerable parents and we are worried about picking something up on the train journey), each of my own parents will be will be spending Christmas without any of their family around them as they are both in tier 4 areas and it really pisses me off that some people will go out of their way to find a reason why they should be an exception to obeying these rules while others are accepting that this is the way it has to be this year. And thank god for people like that (my family included) who aren’t totally selfish arseholes.

I see the votes are very much 50/50 which reflects my dilemma precisely. I can see both sides and I think both are equally valid.
So really, no matter what I do, one of us is going to be resentful and annoyed. What Christmas joy awaits

What about the posters who have suggested going outside? Cosying up the garage and make it feel welcoming?

This thread is a parallel MN universe!

Just start another thread describing them as MIL and FIL and see what happens.

Tell him to go see them outside somewhere. You are not being unreasonable. He is. He's breaking the rules and endangering your health and well being in the process.

@lottiegarbanzo

This thread is a parallel MN universe!

Just start another thread describing them as MIL and FIL and see what happens.

In that case I imagine OP would be told she is literally killing people by having her MIL and FIL round.

But obviously rule breaking, party going, adult children is perfectly fine.

Practically, given their behaviour, you could reasonably assume they are infectious and act accordingly. You can stay out of the way. Your DH should behave as if he's been in contact with an infected person.

I wouldn’t have them over as long as they’re both coping ok. If they’re struggling with feeling isolated or there’s any mental health issues then I would.

As you’ve said you’re only allowed to break lockdown on Christmas Day I’m assuming you’re in Wales same as me. I wouldn’t be happy with them coming over either. It’s really bad here, rule breakers or not.

It's the same in England.

Honestly the fair solution seems to meet outside. It's not ideal but it's perfectly possible. And they're adults who won't melt or cry if they get a bit wet.

I'd try and have a serious convo with your DH where you say that you really can see his point of view and you are asking him if he will please meet outside the house, just this once.

They should not come in the house, please put your foot down. If they exchange presents in the street, in a local park, somewhere like that which is outdoors, I think reasonable.

You’ve admitted you would do it if it were your kids. Does your husband not have the same rights in his home? What if you “put your foot down” and so did he?

Imagine if they were your kids. Youd wanna have the round right?
You cant tell him no op. These are his kids. Kids need family. Especially now...
Catch up in the garden or something. But dont come between a parent and its kids.

@PeterPickerPacker

Love how everyone is all THE RULESSSSS until it's a step mum talking about not wanting to see her rule breaking adult SC 😂

If they've been breaking the rules then obviously YANBU.

This .

@HotGlueGun

I don't think you're being unreasonable actually. His children are of an age that they should be able to understand why you are uncomfortable with this. I think you can still have a lovely time with them but outside... tell them to wrap up warm, get some blankets and hot water bottles, some mulled wine on the go and have a lovely festive time outside. If the weather's not looking great, could you borrow a cheap gazebo from someone or sit in the garage? I know it's not the nicest but if you went to a bit of effort, I reckon you could decorate it and have a bit of fun with it. Don't apologise for your anxiety, it's totally understandable.

As above.

BUT

Start coughing.

Cough like buggery.

Decline to meet them "for their sakes". But let them come to the door to swap presents (they can leave them on the step. You can leave yours on the step)

Get better the next day.

Kids need family

They are adults.

And they didn't need family enough to refrain from going partying and therefore putting said family at risk.

@Yeahnahmum

Imagine if they were your kids. Youd wanna have the round right? You cant tell him no op. These are his kids. Kids need family. Especially now... Catch up in the garden or something. But dont come between a parent and its kids.

But they aren't children. And they're old enough to understand the OP's concerns. Why should she be expected to put her health on the line when the s/kids haven't been observing covid guidelines?

@Yeahnahmum

Imagine if they were your kids. Youd wanna have the round right? You cant tell him no op. These are his kids. Kids need family. Especially now... Catch up in the garden or something. But dont come between a parent and its kids.

Why assume that everyone wants their own children to visit this Christmas?. Loads of adults aren't seeing their parents.

As they're in their 20's they count as adults and have to be treated as such in the rules.

In that case I'd be upset that my DH had no respect for the fact that it wasn't just his house and I'd feel like I had no say in what went on in my home and it would be causing issues between me and DH.

Welcome to the world of Stepmums @PeterPickerPacker!

In any other COVID restriction situation, everyone would be saying no don't do it.

Poor OP, I really feel for her as I can see that her DH is not going to do a u-turn on this issue any time soon. At this point, her focus should be on trying to manage her anxieties.

@Yeahnahmum

Imagine if they were your kids. Youd wanna have the round right? You cant tell him no op. These are his kids. Kids need family. Especially now... Catch up in the garden or something. But dont come between a parent and its kids.

Oh, come off it. They are adults, fucking stupid adults that have been having parties during a global pandemic.

I'd love to see my parents but wankers like these are the ones stopping me from doing so by continuing the spread.

Your "D"H is a dick. I assume he was a Disney dad throughout their younger years? It's evidently done them no favours given they behave like entitled children rather than responsible adults.