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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want his adult kids round

182 replies

WilsonMilson · 22/12/2020 08:26

So, DH has 2 kids from his first marriage. They are both early 20s.
He wants them to come over on Christmas Eve to exchange presents etc.

Normally of course this would be absolutely fine, but because of bloody Covid they haven’t been here since summer (when it felt safer) and I’m really unhappy about it, but feel unreasonable as it’s his kids. DH sees them more often, but he meets them for hikes and cycling etc.!

The thing is, I know they have been out socialising and rule breaking and not paying a jot of attention to the rules. Covid has been rife in the workplace of the 2nd, and I’ve heard stories of parties etc.

I’m very anxious. I have been so careful and honestly just don’t want them in my house, it’s making me jittery and tearful to even think about it, which is probably pathetic but this is what 2020 has brought me to. I don’t really want anyone in my house at the moment given that mutant ninja covid is now spreading, and especially people whom I know aren’t being careful themselves.

DH is adamant they are coming, and I feel like an awful person to put my foot down. What would you do?

OP posts:
PeterPickerPacker · 22/12/2020 10:38

Welcome to the world of Stepmums @PeterPickerPacker!

Oh don't worry I'm well aware, I am one! Grin a very evil one of course, aren't we all?

Canwecancel2020 · 22/12/2020 10:41

Love your name btw OP

I would try to avoid a massive row over DH about this and making him choose between them and you. Agree with PP that it does depend partly which tier you’re in and that outdoor meeting within the rules is better if you can negotiate for that.

There does seem to be a disconnect in a lot of minds between that steep curve of covid cases on the news and our perception of our individual actions/contacts/sacrifices. Everyone’s family is important to them, but I’m avoiding mine to keep them safe even though Xmas day would be within the rules. I think we have to do what valance said and imagine we’re all potentially infected and behave accordingly.

Starseeking · 22/12/2020 10:42

@PeterPickerPacker GrinGrinGrin

Atinytrolley · 22/12/2020 10:43

yanbu. Christmas Eve? It's simply not allowed, family can get together on Christmas Day only and no more than 3 households. If you're in Tier 4 they can't come round at all.

JellyNo15 · 22/12/2020 10:43

I am no longer seeing my adult children this Christmas. Gutted but it is what it is. They are not young children they wow get over it.

AlexaShutUp · 22/12/2020 10:49

Of course you aren't being unreasonable, you're following the rules. The fact that they're your stepchildren is a red herring - there are millions of adult children across the UK who won't see their parents this Christmas because of the pandemic. It's shit, but it's what we have to do to keep everyone safe.

SATSmadness · 22/12/2020 10:56

I suppose I'd be considering what Tier you/they are in and whether you're supposed to do this at all.

Would they be prepared to wear a face covering ?

I visited my parents earlier this month, fairly certain that we wouldn't be sensible getting together for Christmas even if permitted and I wore a mask and stayed 2 m away. I had to go in to the house to do some jobs that they needed doing but my mask didn't come off the whole time. I had brought my own insulated cup of coffee which I sipped as we "took a turn about the garden" whilst maintaining 2m distance.

It's just not work the risk with a vaccine on the horizon is it really ?

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 22/12/2020 11:01

Can you afford a private covid test ?

My dd is in residential supported living, to come home for Christmas we've all had to be tested. In our case it's free but you can pay to have them done privately.

LongDivision · 22/12/2020 11:02

Id lay out some rules - everyone wears masks, you stay in the largest, airiest room, with the windows open. DH sanitises the room afterwards.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 22/12/2020 11:03

Atiny actually it's 24 hours.

So yes, Christmas Eve will be part of that.

fuzzymoon · 22/12/2020 11:07

Can there be any compromise.

He goes to them ?

You organise it so it's controlled and you know it can be cleaned after.
They have a settee , you place two chairs two meters away from them for you to sit in. Dinning chairs ?
They wash hands or sanitise when they come in. You do the same.
Swap presents. Open then you can sanitise your hands again.
Make them a cuppa. Put the cups straight in the dish washer and wash your hands.
Nibbles for them on separate plates or in bowls to yours.
Once they go wipe you sofa down. Both have a shower or change clothes and wash hands.

Would that sort of arrangement help alleviate your worries.
If you are sensible you won't catch the virus from them. It's the people who don't stay 2 meters apart etc that are spreading it.

Jeremyironseverything · 22/12/2020 11:07

I think you are both reasonable and like you I can see both sides - however what trumps it, is one side is against the rules. So stick to the rules.

Lovemusic33 · 22/12/2020 11:09

It’s a hard one isn’t it? I have to admit I break the rules once a week and allow my dad to visit for an hour, though technically he could be in my bubble as the person who is in my bubble I rarely see. We are in a tier 2 area with pretty low cases (arguments we should be in tier one but numbers likely to rise) so at the moment the risk is low. I think if I was in tier 4 I wouldn’t be happy with anyone popping over for an hour, especially if they have been mixing with other people.

Could your dh meet his kids outside somewhere? Maybe go for a walk with them and exchange gifts? If they were my kids I would want to see them but would try and do it as safely as possible.

akittencalledjesus · 22/12/2020 11:13

If you are sensible you won't catch the virus from them. It's the people who don't stay 2 meters apart etc that are spreading it.

Not strictly. There are cases where contact tracing (in other countries, because the UK is incapable of that) has shown transmission also happens in larger spaces and through aircon. A prison warden got infected despite never spending more than a minute at a time with confirmed cases.

Extended periods of time together in one room could transmit it. Thinking otherwise is naive.

And this is coming from someone who isn't scared of catching it as much as perhaps I should be.

Flowerpot345 · 22/12/2020 11:13

Yanbu, especially if they are breaking the rules!
They aren't kids they are adults.

Margeryprongs · 22/12/2020 11:14

Garden, warm clothes and social distancing. End of the matter.

arevioletsreallyblue · 22/12/2020 11:19

In that case I'd be upset that my DH had no respect for the fact that it wasn't just his house and I'd feel like I had no say in what went on in my home and it would be causing issues between me and DH. It shouldn't just be DH and his children who decide what happens in the home. I hate it when SMs are expected to have absolutely no say over anything and just go along with a smile even when they don't agree. Sod that, it's her home too so yeah, I'd be making it known to DH that I was mad about it.

Imagine this from the DH's side.

"In that case I'd be upset that my DW had no respect for that fact that it wasn't just her house to dictate about and I'd have no say about what's going on in my own home and it would be causing issues between us. It shouldn't just be DW and her handwringing anxieties who decide what happens in the home. I hate it when DW expects my to put her before my children and me just smile along with it. Sod that, it's my home too, I'd be making it known to DW that I was mad about it."

It goes both ways, it's both of their houses. A compromise needs to be found and once it is neither partner can sulk about it. It's a shared house, no one gets to 'put their foot down'.

everybodysang · 22/12/2020 11:24

YANBU. Particularly because they've been breaking the rules.

Ponoka7 · 22/12/2020 11:25

@arevioletsreallyblue, except it isn't the DW's 'handwringing' that's dictating it, it's the law, a infectious virus and respect for others.

Have you missed that we are mid pandemic, with a more infectious strain circulating? People's livelihoods and health are depending on our behaviour.

nitsandwormsdodger · 22/12/2020 11:27

In London not allowed at all
But if you
Windows doors open
Masks on
Antibacterial on hands
No hugging
10 days isolating after
Should be fine

OverTheRainbow88 · 22/12/2020 11:28

OP I would say test your OH you don’t feel happy breaking the rules and that he’s more than welcome to go for a Christmas Eve walk where they can exchange present.

You shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home.

Flowerpot345 · 22/12/2020 11:28

"I hate it when DW expects my to put her before my children and me just smile along with it. Sod that, it's my home too, I'd be making it known to DW that I was mad about it.""

What a load of fabrication!? Making out OP expects to be put before his kids all the time 🤦🏼‍♀️

She's well within her rights to not be ok with it considering they break the rules anyway.
This is the reason why this virus spreads because idiots keep on breaking the rules thinking they will do what suits themHmm

Flowerpot345 · 22/12/2020 11:29

"Have you missed that we are mid pandemic, with a more infectious strain circulating? People's livelihoods and health are depending on our behaviour."

Exactly!

NotOfThisWorld · 22/12/2020 11:30

I'm torn on this one. On the one hand if you're being careful I can absolutely see why you wouldn't want to instantly take on all of their risk when they haven't been careful at all.

That said it's tricky as it's his (albeit adult) kids. Fil's partner decided they weren't going to see us (before the new restrictions which meant we can't anyway) because DC have been at school - they would have been on holiday for 2 weeks and we've been very careful where step Mil has been out and about. That did piss me off.

Could you do a garden fire with hot chocolate and do pressies out there? It's a wierd year, lots of us won't get to see wider family in person so having to move outside is hardly a huge sacrifice.

billy1966 · 22/12/2020 11:32

OP,
I can absolutely understand the dilemma.

Your husband never conferred with you and is telling you what will happen.

I would be hugely pissed off.

Doesn't sound like he has any respect for you.

I can understand people wanting to see children but when young people are socialising as normal they have to expect others to enforce the rules.

This has been a really shit year and I see how fed up my own children are at the lack of a social life.
But they and their friends have been following the rules.

If he brings them in without your agreement, make sure the windows are open and that they stay in one room. Insist he disinfects handels of doors/loo etc.

You can say hello and wish them well and stay in your room.

I repeat, i would be seriously unimpressed with his disregard for you in your home.

Flowers