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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want his adult kids round

182 replies

WilsonMilson · 22/12/2020 08:26

So, DH has 2 kids from his first marriage. They are both early 20s.
He wants them to come over on Christmas Eve to exchange presents etc.

Normally of course this would be absolutely fine, but because of bloody Covid they haven’t been here since summer (when it felt safer) and I’m really unhappy about it, but feel unreasonable as it’s his kids. DH sees them more often, but he meets them for hikes and cycling etc.!

The thing is, I know they have been out socialising and rule breaking and not paying a jot of attention to the rules. Covid has been rife in the workplace of the 2nd, and I’ve heard stories of parties etc.

I’m very anxious. I have been so careful and honestly just don’t want them in my house, it’s making me jittery and tearful to even think about it, which is probably pathetic but this is what 2020 has brought me to. I don’t really want anyone in my house at the moment given that mutant ninja covid is now spreading, and especially people whom I know aren’t being careful themselves.

DH is adamant they are coming, and I feel like an awful person to put my foot down. What would you do?

OP posts:
christmasathomeagain · 22/12/2020 08:54

If it's against the rules then they don't come in. My in laws wont be seeing either of their children or grandchildren as it's against the rules. My daughter is isolating due to a positive in her form until Christmas day. The plan is to drive over and maybe go for a short walk if fil is up for it.

We have exchanged presents at the door over the weekend.

We all have to work together and try and atop this spreading.

christmasathomeagain · 22/12/2020 08:55

@Starseeking

If they were your DC, you'd feel differently (I know I would), so try and see it from your DH's perspective, that he'd like to see his DC, especially if he's not seen them for months. As far as I'm aware, it's not against the rules for DC with separated parents to move between houses.

However if it makes you feel that uncomfortable, you've only really got two options, as you can't realistically stop them coming:

  • you keep out of the way while they are visiting
  • you go out of the house while they are there, and return when they're gone

Neither are great options to be honest, but the only thing you are able to control in this situation, is where you are in all this.

These are adults, not children so the rules of moving between parent's homes will not apply.
LindaEllen · 22/12/2020 08:56

FWIW I'm 30 and am exchanging gifts with my parents on the doorstep on Christmas Eve and then opening them on video call on Christmas Day.

There's no need for anyone to break the rules, and once children are adults they must stick to them like everyone else.

christmasathomeagain · 22/12/2020 08:57

Meant to add that we plan to go over boxing day as dd still isolating until Friday.

Original poster
WilsonMilson · 22/12/2020 09:01

@Starseeking the rule of children being allowed to go between both parents households only applies if they are in fact children. His kids are adults.

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 22/12/2020 09:03

Having lost family to Covid I would say you're not being unreasonable at all and the rules are there precisely to urge people to stop meeting indoors (with an exception for one day to placate the public) as you're likely to break the 2m rule.

What are the implications for you and for others if you catch Covid? It's an unknown and for that reason my older step children aren't welcome inside either but luckily we're on the same page about that here!

Houseplantmad · 22/12/2020 09:03

If it goes ahead, insist they wear masks and gloves so they don't touch anything. Have windows open to give ventilation. Keep well apart from them when talking.

Personally I would say they have to have a doorstep exchange or video call instead. They have chosen not to be careful. I have been concerned about the virus previously but am now very worried as it's so easily transmitted.

DHdweller · 22/12/2020 09:05

I think you’re being sensible Op.

Teakind · 22/12/2020 09:05

I don't think you are being unreasonable. They can exchange gifts on the doorstep like plenty of other families.

Transmission is out of control and we all need to be careful.

Original poster
WilsonMilson · 22/12/2020 09:07

We’re not having anyone over on Christmas Day, nor seeing others over the holidays, so DH is trying to justify it by saying it’s our Christmas Day. I feel like I’m in a no win situation - if I don’t have them then I feel bad for DH and we’ll probably fall out, but if I do then I’m going to be a resentful at having been put in this position against my will.

OP posts:
candycane222 · 22/12/2020 09:08

If it really is against the rules, then you are being very unfair to the huge number of people -including many who are in a pretty bad place emotionally -who are sticking to them. I think that is very poor.

If it is within the rules it is still not what the experts I have heard talking, would want you to do.

If you do nevertheless go ahead, everyone must acknowledge that you need to keep things as safe as possible. Try to inform yourselves about how to minimise risk.
This includes keeping the visit SHORT (and early in the day ?) so no alcohol (as this increases raised voices, laughing etc which sadly is much more dangerous). KEEP THE WINDOWS OPEN - have a through draft front to back and/ or top to bottom. Keep 2 m apart.

And finally, tell them you love them and you really appreciate how hard this year is for young people. And urge them to take care of everyone around them.

Scarlettpixie · 22/12/2020 09:12

I wouldn’t be happy with this. Christmas Eve visiting indoors is not allowed unless you are in tier 1. If tier 2 they could meet in the garden. If tier 3 at the park and if tier 4 just swop presents on the doorstep. Which tier are you in OP.

Your problem really is that your DH is dismissing your concerns. You have a DH issue. He could see them out of the house, reduce the risk and your anxiety and follow the rules (unless you are tier 4) so it’s not like he can’t see them and still follow the law. Likely they will be visiting someone else on Xmas day. This visiting of multiple households is what the changes are designed to prevent.

TableFlowerss · 22/12/2020 09:13

In the moved possible way, if I was your DH I’d be divorcing you before I agreed with you.

It’s fair enough to be anxious, but unless you’re in the vulnerable group then it’s your issue, not his. He shouldn’t be asked to chose.

Every time you leave the house, whether it’s to go to work, shopping etc you could catch it. It’s ok having precautionary measures, such as mask wearing, but you’ve got no idea what the person in front of you in the queue has done the night before, whether they used hand gel etc...

You can’t live your life in fear like that. Well, you can, but you can’t expect a loved one to accommodate your wishes.

I also think that this ‘I’m too worried to see DP children’, is going to be an excuse for some people who can’t be bothered with their step kids! Not saying this is happening in this situation - but it will happen

candycane222 · 22/12/2020 09:13

I've just seen you say Christmas eve not Christmas day. That's against the rules in most places isn't it? Assume these kids are with their dm of similar on Christmas day? That's not on! If they are all outdoorsy types then surely they all have decent coats. Definitely meet outside!!

That way you won't get shopped by nosey neighbours either.

ByersRd · 22/12/2020 09:13

It is about what is reasonable to you and the risk you are prepared to take

Tier 2. We are alone for Christmas. We are visiting our parents outside or sitting in the garage. Fire pit (outdoor), fairy lights in the garage if the weather doesn't hold. Not ideal but safer.

Would you let your own children visit. To make a clear decision this can't be about this being your partners children rather than your own.

LemonTT · 22/12/2020 09:14

Put aside the rules. How do you resolve disagreements generally? Because until both of you recognise that sticking to your guns on this is a no win situation for both of you, then you won’t move forward.

Start identifying what you can agree on, be it outdoor or whatever.

But a Mn debate about the rules isn’t the answer to your problem. It just shows why you and he have a difference stance. Like the pps posting their own opinion and made up rules. More opinion is not really the answer to conflicts about differing opinions.

You should have better means to communicate that anything that comes from social media.

MRC20 · 22/12/2020 09:14

Get a cheap log burner and some nice thick blankets, fairy lights, bottle of champagne and flasks of hot chocolate. They may be in their early 20s but they're still his kids. Make it exciting, welcoming and fun and just don't mention it's because I'd Covid. They'll know why you're doing it but if it's comfortable they'll go with it xxx

FitterHappierMoreProductive · 22/12/2020 09:15

They’re his children. If you didn’t want a partner with older children you shouldn’t have married him. End of.

MRC20 · 22/12/2020 09:15

And sit in the garden I meant to add 🤣🤣🤣

Aprilx · 22/12/2020 09:15

Unless you are in the few parts of the country that are Tier 1 this is definitely against the rules so YANBU.

I think you are being a over the top with the feeling jittery and tearful stuff but you should put your foot down.

I was looking at the rates of increase in cases over the last two weeks earlier and it is staggering in some places. Every person that thinks the rules don’t apply to them is adding to this.

MRC20 · 22/12/2020 09:18

To add, if they were my kids I'd move heaven and earth to see them but I wouldn't be a twat about it. If they've not followed the rules I'd do the above with my own kids. They'd also get a bloody good bollocking too!

LadyLazaruss · 22/12/2020 09:18

@PeterPickerPacker

Love how everyone is all THE RULESSSSS until it's a step mum talking about not wanting to see her rule breaking adult SC 😂

If they've been breaking the rules then obviously YANBU.

My thoughts exactly Grin
Chewbecca · 22/12/2020 09:18

I’d catch up at a distance in the garden, not indoors.

ChloeCrocodile · 22/12/2020 09:21

You seem to know that stopping them from coming would be wrong. Your DH’s logic that this is your Christmas Day is pretty reasonable. It goes against the letter of The Rules but not the spirit. And you acknowledge that if they were your own children they would be welcome.

So you need to figure out how to manage your anxiety for the visit. Can you have a window open, sit more than 2m away and get DH to do all the clearing up and cleaning after they’ve gone?

PineappleTart · 22/12/2020 09:22

You are not being unreasonable. They're not children, they're adults and they are well aware of the rules. Yes it's shitty he won't get to have them in the house but usually sees them outside anyway so no big deal. I wouldn't let anyone in even for Christmas unless I knew they'd been sensible and following guidelines.