To be annoyed with rule breakers not taking to me

[Peahead10]

I'm in Glasgow. On Friday my friend (also in Glasgow) got the train to London and brought her 85 year old mother back with her for a 4 week visit. She missed her as have seen her for 3 months so in her eyes it's totally justifiable,. I miss my parents as do millions of others but for the good of the bigger picture and not being selfish bastards we don't all go and visit them and being them across the UK especially when we know not to travel. Shouldn't have left Glasgow area at all and only just did it before it became illegal. Group of friends now not talking to me as they think I'm the selfish one for not understanding she was missing her mum. I'm missing my mum but not seen her for 9 months so far. I'm so upset and just wondering if I'm being wrong. Know people need to do what works for them but surely this is too far?

Your friends wouldn’t have reason to stop talking to you if you keep your opinion on something like this to yourself. You were never going to influence the decision to pick up the mum, but you must have said something anyway. Sometimes, it’s best just to stay quiet.

Well there is an exemption for care for vulnerable adults so I think you were being rather unkind. Had it been a younger person I’d be more inclined to agree with you.

An 85 year old sitting on a train for hours right now is fucking stupid. She'll get the vaccine soon ffs!

You must have expressed your views pretty robustly if not only the friend you criticised, but also several others, aren’t speaking to you. Have they all overreacted? Or did you go way over the top? There’s a difference between expressing a view when asked, and being one of those people who ‘Just had to say something’, because getting your point across was way more important than any potential backlash.

Many people are scared of Coronavirus. Many people are scared of having to make the choice between either breaking the rules or following them and facing crippling loneliness. But sometimes I wonder if there are even more people out there whose biggest fear is having an unexpressed thought.

Why does everyone assume her mum was lonely and likely to die soon alone? As I said she was in a bubble in London till the day she came up here, with her good friend 3 streets away. Her friend who is also 85 is now alone for Christmas herself which I think makes it even sadder. My friend didn't do it for health reasons, she did it as it's tradition and they always have Christmas together. As do millions of other people who are sacrificing that this year.

People saying its fine as she drove, not illegal, isolating etc. None of that happened. They got the train, my friend both ways. She left Glasgow which is one of the most risky places in Scotland just now and we've not legally been allowed to leave our health board area for weeks. Only travelling out of London became illegal the day after they did it. 7hrs with an 80+ year old on train.

We're speaking again now. I didn't call her names to her face etc as people have assumed. I work in a health centre and regularly need to go in patients homes for my job. They don't like any of the rules and disagree with most of them, I was particularly upset about this one but she was adamant it was happening. And it did. They haven't been in quarantine after the trip at all, they've been out for coffee to various cafes every day and meeting different people, posts on FB daily.

I'm not jealous and haven't had plenty opportunities to see my parents. I work for the NHS so have had to limit who I see. My dad lives overseas and his wife died (of c19) in June, he lives with me when he visits UK so not been able to come. My mum was shielding for months, is in another health board area so I can't see her as it's illegal and with my job I don't want to risk it. Tiers and laws are different in Scotland to England.

That's all well and good OP but the fact still remains that you shared your (unwanted) opinion with your friend and stuck your nose in where it wasn't wanted. Your friend wasn't doing a malicious thing. You've said yourself that she just wants her mum with her at Christmas. You may not have made the same decision yourself but unfortunately, in life, people are going to make choices that you don't necessarily agree with and you need to learn to bite your tongue otherwise you're in danger of becoming one of those people that nobody wants to be friends with because they just judge your every move. Sadly c19 has given people the idea that they can openly and vocally judge others in this way and quite frankly, it's bringing out the worst in everyone. Of course we should all be sticking to the rules but it's unrealistic to think that nobody is EVER going to break the rules from time to time.

Let your friend have her elderly mother over for Christmas fgs and mind your own business.

I don’t understand how people aren’t embarrassed to police their friends like this - do you think they’ll just somehow forget it ever happened at some point?

@ghoulbag

I don’t understand how people aren’t embarrassed to police their friends like this - do you think they’ll just somehow forget it ever happened at some point?

I see a lot of posts on Mumsnet from people who say they struggle to make and keep friends. And I also see a lot of posts on Mumsnet from people who like to police others behaviour. I'd be really interested to know if there is a crossover there.

I think you need to understand @Peahead10 that at 85 she may not have her mum here next Christmas. Just because you haven't got the same personal priorities it doesn't mean hers are wrong and abhorrent.

My mum is younger than 85 and is in our bubble but if she wasn't I wouldn't hesitate to go and collect her and bring her home. Not for one minute.

It's a difficult one. I'd like to say I wouldn't do it but if I still had my mum and she lived 400 miles away so I didn't see her very often...... honestly, I'm not sure. I don't think I'd have taken her on the train journey though.

What I struggle with is people who think their situation trumps others. I'm in Tier 4 so we've had to cancel all Xmas plans and won't see any family, including young GC. A friend is still having her family round because 'we're a very close family and can't bear to not be together'. Implying we love each other less - we don't, we're just doing what we've been asked to do. As are most people I know.

@ghoulbag

I don’t understand how people aren’t embarrassed to police their friends like this - do you think they’ll just somehow forget it ever happened at some point?

@ghoulbag

I think it cuts both ways. I bit my lip when my friend told me that her brother was driving up from London after the travel ban, but it has changed my view of them both, and I won't forget how selfish and irresponsible he was. And I feel differently about her for condoning it

It's horrible to realise how selfish some of my friends are

Something motivated you to bite your lip though, and that’s what OP seems to be missing and what I find so strange. I just don’t know how some people have got to a point where they feel they can actually criticise a friend for seeing their 85 year old mother at Christmas.

Theantsgomarchin. She told me she was doing it. As an NHS worker I told her putting an elderly lady on a train for hours during a pandemic was dangerous. That was it. Do you agree with everything your friends do? Would you never speak up and tell them if you had a different opinion? Not done in a bitch way at all.

I find it amazing to believe all these people who would want to see their elderly relatives would risk a 7hr train journey with them just to have Christmas together. Listen to the news.

Ghoulbag, I don't mind her seeing her mum. What I mind is her travelling from a highly infected area on a train and tube and then back with her mum on the same return journey. The disease is everywhere and no matter how much I need to see people some journeys are too risky.

I’m with you OP. Unless we ALL make the sacrifices that are hard & upsetting, we won’t get out of this cycle.

You were right OP, but most people are uncomfortable and defensive when challenged

It seems to me that you keep coming back and justifying why you were right (and adding bits). Your friends obviously didn’t agree as you said early on they had stopped talking to you. I think you really need to stay out of it.

Do you work for the NHS OP? You might not have mentioned it enough times if so

Krabapple guavafish, coming back to answer questions and correct wrong assumptions ppl make about bubbling, driving, isolating, shouting at them, being lonely etc. Krabapple, nothing to stay out of now, it's done. If my friends agreed with everything I did and said and never had an opinion that would be very sad. I said if because I care about them both and don't want them to catch it. All talking again now. Mumsnet really is totally full of bams who assume they know everything!!

Why are people so bothered about being alone at xmas? Surely being on your own the other 364 days is just as bad. It would have better for your friends mum to come live with her for the foreseeable future. Yadnbu so sick of the excuses for people to just carry on regardless.

I really don’t care, the lady in question is 85, it’s up to them to decide what is best for their family as I am mine.

We’re not having our Christmas on the 25th but are the 26th with dh parents and sister in law and 3 kids.

I’m “breaking” the rules but apparently the Rona will only get you on the 25th but not the 26th

Dh parents have been isolating all month and sister in law has been isolation for 3 weeks, my family get tested weekly, we’ve all just had negative test results back this morning.

The rules and laws are there to help slow the spread, to save lives of those who catch it and may die, of those who selflessly care for those who catch snd may catch it themselves and die

So people who cannot understand that, think it’s judgey because others are not following what should be common sense to stop a bloody pandemic - well it’s no wonder the world is in this state about the pandemic and frankly they’re to blame for each person losing their jobs, businesses folding, the state of the economy because these stupid people are the ones continuing to spread this virus.

How stupid can people be.

OP you have every right to feel as you do. You’re right in this .

If we all ignore the rules and make up our own to suit us this virus will never leave

But where have all these rules actually got us.

I am in England and tier 4
Before the November lockdown the areas around me were slowly but steadily decreasing. Now our number are nearly 400% more.

Lockdowns don’t work.

Look at Wales who had an incredibly hard lockdown and a couple of weeks later were worse than when they went in

Same with Spain and Italy

If we hadn’t gone into lockdowns people would have steadily flowed in and out of shops etc There wouldn’t have been this pent up flood of people wanting to get out.

Science is great in theory but it needs to also take account of human nature

@Coyoacan

I find so many people on mumsnet are totally literal about rules, when in fact there are two possible approaches, one is following the word of the rule and the other is following the spirit of the rule.

What I can't understand is why the OP hasn't seen her parents in nine months

People on here are having a go at the OP for judging her friend and are telling her to mind her own business, yet some like you then go on to judge the OP for not having seen her parents. Perhaps take your own advice and mind your own business and don't judge her?

Perhaps take your own advice and mind your own business and don't judge her?

On a public forum that OP is asking for opinions based on her judgmental opinions