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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not inviting my mum to my wedding?

270 replies

FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 18:10

My partner and I are planning a wedding post COVID.
I have never wanted a wedding, I was happy to do the quirky one where you literally just sign the paper work and that’s it. However, my partner wants to do vows etc so we’ve decided to have a quickie ceremony with just two witnesses.

All of my family are ok with this, and my dad has offered to pay for a huge party after the wedding so it can be celebrated but without me having to go through with an actual ceremony. My mum is furious however that she can’t watch me get married. I’m having my best friend as my witness, as we are a lot closer as I am with my mum and my partner is having his brother.

Am I being a dick hole by not inviting her? My dad says to do what ever makes me happy but part of me does feel a bit bad that she won’t watch her only child get married.

OP posts:

Likeynolight · 21/12/2020 23:25

Are you her only child?

IseeIsee · 21/12/2020 23:26

I eloped because I did not want my Mother there. She would have ruined the day by telling me how terrible I look/act etc. Like she has ruined every other event in my life. I wanted one day in my life to be about me and not about her. My wedding day was very important for my husband and I and this was my way of making it important. Anyway I received strong criticism from a lot of people. I was called selfish and self indulgent, just like you are being called here. You have to realistically think of that and deal with it as my friends mention it yearly(whenever my anniversary is)

An acquaintance did the same. I don't know her well but knew her Mother who is very difficult. There was always a drama with her and everything was about her. Her daughter was shy. I have heard this girl being criticised for her choice, she is selfish, her Mother was heartbroken etc. I think you should think of the aftermath.

Icanflyhigh · 21/12/2020 23:33

Do whatever makes you happy xx

Original poster

FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 23:54

I am her only child yes.

OP posts:

Likeynolight · 22/12/2020 00:10

@FearTheLiving

I am her only child yes.

I think I understand now.

I have a lot of friends who are only children and this isn't a criticism but you're only used to thinking from your own point of view.

You've not really had to think of others I.e. siblings because its not something you've been used to when you was younger. That's not your fault because you didn't chose to be an only child.

Your mum seems like she just have high expectations, that's why she's probably critical but some people are critical because they want the best from them. She probably takes it too far.

I mean, if she's really that bad you wouldn't let your daughter with her?

I'm nc with most of my family and I probably wouldn't invite them but I'd invite my mum who I speak to each week and wished I could see every week.

So, your mum is probably upset because she's probably always wanted to see her only child and only daughter to walk down the aisle and have a big wedding. However, you're like wanna do your own thing because you're used to doing your own thing.

The problem is you seem both similar that you both want to do your own thing but someone's gonna have to compromise.

Original poster

FearTheLiving · 22/12/2020 00:15

I’m not an only child. I’m my mums only child.

OP posts:

lookingatthings · 22/12/2020 00:25

A pp above has it right when they say that those with good relationships with their parents (mothers) don't really understand what it's like to not have a good relationship.
I can't fake the relationship my mother wants to have with me. I can facilitate the relationship she wants to have with her grandchildren in the hope that it will be better. It's not as black and white as good and bad. But I still didn't want her at my wedding.

saraclara · 22/12/2020 00:40

It's not a right to see someone get married is it, even if they are your child.

It's not. But I would be very, very sad. I would try desperately not to show it, I'd put on a brave face, and on the surface, I would be supportive of her choice. But yes, inside I'd be a mess.

But being furious is a mistake.

soopedup · 22/12/2020 04:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AlicebytheSea · 22/12/2020 06:20

Your mum is so critical that you have to safeguard yourself? Years of feeling not good enough. So why aren't you concerned about your daughter's wellbeing? Surely if shes so awful, you'd be afraid of her being the same with your child.

LynetteScavo · 22/12/2020 06:44

Hmmm....I think if you want such a small wedding you just shouldn't have told your mum you were getting married.

Griefmonster · 22/12/2020 07:11

@FearTheLiving I'm just dipping in so apologies if already covered - I think you would get more people who understand your situation if you went over to relationships board and searched for the "stately homes" thread.

The crap being chucked at you here is really not what you need. Posts like @soopedup I would guess sound like your critical inner voice, established over years of hearing your mother's voice.

@lookingatthings speaks great sense.

Erictheavocado · 22/12/2020 07:55

Like others, whilst I would support my dc's choice to marry in the way you have chosen, I would be heartbroken. And I can understand how at some point, that might be expressed as anger - how many can honestly say they never got :angry' with a DC who had had an accident of some kind, the anger almost being used as a mask to hide the real feeling of fear, relief etc?

Having said that, your posts come across as almost relishing the upset this is causing and I find that mean and spiteful. If your relationship with her is so bad, I am surprised you are happy for her to do any form of childcare where , presumably, she is alone with your child. If my relationship with my mum was so poor that I didn't want her to see me get married, I definitely would not be leaving her in sole charge of my child.
Anyway, it seems as though you are set on your decision and are unwilling to understand why she might feel this way so I don't really understand why you posted.

Shosha1 · 22/12/2020 08:14

I wasn't at my only living childs wedding. DS and DDIL married in her home country, after the time ran out on her visa.
Yes I was disappointed, but we had a huge party when DDIL finally made it back.
And with them living here, ws see them all the time, and see DGD at least weekly.
DS's FIL died not long after, so I'm glad DDIL married at home, and his MIL had to miss a trip here this year, so all in all I think I got the better deal to be honest.

Its not about the wedding. Its about the marriage.

gannett · 22/12/2020 08:28

I can't believe anyone would criticise the OP after her updates about how critical her mother is.

Is this inability to understand that some people don't have great family relationships down to lack of empathy or just being thick? Hard to see this constant repeated "but faaaaaamily" bleating as though that necessarily means a thing.

OP it sounds like you know exactly what kind of wedding you NEED - you're not being selfish or thoughtless at all and you should go right on ahead.

TonMoulin · 22/12/2020 08:35

@FearTheLiving

Just know how critical she will be. She will criticise my dress, my hair, my makeup, my venue literally everything. I’ve never been able to perform in front of her. I never told her about my school plays, music shows etc because I just feel so shit when she’s watching me .

I think all the answers have been given assuming a normal mother-daughter relationship. You’re an only child, obviously seeing your mum on a regular basis. You are happy to have her looking after your child. There was nothing there that would let people think she is a nightmare tbh.

However, if the issue is that she is so overly critical that she will spend the whole time pointing all the ‘defects’ (real or imagined), then yes it’s your whole relationship you need to re evaluate. I personally wouldn't leave my child with someone I know is toxic. Nor would I see them every week.

TonMoulin · 22/12/2020 08:36

@gannett, Tbf, that bit of information came right right at the end.

The thread is quite long. You can’t assume that everyone will have read every single posts, or even every single posts from the OP. I know Ive missed some in the past.

Aprilx · 22/12/2020 08:37

@lookingatthings

A pp above has it right when they say that those with good relationships with their parents (mothers) don't really understand what it's like to not have a good relationship. I can't fake the relationship my mother wants to have with me. I can facilitate the relationship she wants to have with her grandchildren in the hope that it will be better. It's not as black and white as good and bad. But I still didn't want her at my wedding.

I didn’t have a good relationship with my parents and didn’t have them at my wedding, so do understand it. However I also would not go to a huge party with them to celebrate afterwards nor use them for childcare.

OP didn’t say anything about her mother being critical until a good seven pages in after being told how mean she was coming across as convenient? She seems to be choosing to exclude her mother out of pure spite for some reason.

Ginfordinner · 22/12/2020 08:51

If DD wanted to get married in front of two random witnesses I would feel hurt. I know I don’t have the right to be there, but it would make me feel that there was something wrong with our relationship. However, I wouldn’t feel angry, just disappointed.

For someone who doesn’t like being the centre of attention you are making it all about you. You sound rather selfish and self-absorbed, and not very nice. This isn’t just about you getting married is it. How would you feel if your daughter decides to shut you out the way you are shutting your mum out?

C8H10N4O2 · 22/12/2020 08:59

I have a lot of friends who are only children and this isn't a criticism but you're only used to thinking from your own point of view

Only children are emotionally stunted people unable to empathise with others? Really?

lookingatthings · 22/12/2020 09:42

@Aprilx

The party thing I agree with: I would not have been railroaded into one for anyone, it's just not my idea of a good time.

But when my mum wants to looks after my DS I tend to say yes, not in the begining when he was still small, but certainly as he's got older. We live five hours apart so she doesn't see him often, although I make the effort to call her frequently so they can speak. That's my compromise on our relationship- because how I feel about her doesn't need to be reflected in how my children feel about her.

It seems to me that maybe the party is OPs compromise. It's not one I would have made, and perhaps not one you would have made. But people are complicated and individual and it's never black and white.

Paintedmaypole · 22/12/2020 09:52

I would ask yourself a few questions about your relationship with your Mum. Has your father talked her down in any way since they separated? Has he influenced you against her? Did she become over enmeshed with you after the divorce. Did your relationship change during adolescence or did you remain like herblittle girl. There is something very adolescent about this, as if you need to do something dramatic and punitive to emancipate yourself from her. Is she objectively toxic? Does she enjoy creating disharmony or like to put you down to comete with her. I think you both need to make changes, she needs to let go and you need to find more mature ways of relating to her and asserting yourself ( this is assuming that she is not deliberately abusive). It is interesting how far you are prepared to compromise with your father, by way of contrast.

Paintedmaypole · 22/12/2020 09:53

Compete with you.

Original poster

FearTheLiving · 22/12/2020 11:35

There is no need for such nasty personal insults about my personality.
I don’t have a great relationship with either of my parents I’m just trying to keep everyone happy on a day that is about me and my partner.

OP posts:

lovepickledlimes · 22/12/2020 11:48

To be honest I can see why she is hurt. It's a big milestone in anyone's life and as a parent I assume most people look forward to the day. I don't like the recent sentiment these days where the wedding day is viewed as a day for the couple rather then a day to honour both families that are now united and it being about the family and the community etc. If there is anyway you could put up with having her there I really would suggest you do that. Also you never know 30-50 years down the line you might regret you did not indulge her request. I have a cousin who went nc with her mum and to this day her biggest regret was not being more sympathetic to her mum. I know this is not as drastic as nc but it could still be a later regret etc

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