Page 8 | Not inviting my mum to my wedding?

FearTheLiving · 2020-12-21T18:10:10+00:00

My partner and I are planning a wedding post COVID. I have never wanted a wedding, I was happy to do the quirky one where you literally just sign the paper work and that’s it. However, my partner wants to do vows etc so we’ve decided to have a quickie ceremony with just two witnesses. All of my family are ok with this, and my dad has offered to pay for a huge party after the wedding so it can be celebrated but without me having to go through with an actual ceremony. My mum is furious however that she can’t watch me get married. I’m having my best friend as my witness, as we are a lot closer as I am with my mum and my partner is having his brother. Am I being a dick hole by not inviting her? My dad says to do what ever makes me happy but part of me does feel a bit bad that she won’t watch her only child get married.

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2020 22:01

@FearTheLiving

My mum was also furious that I didn’t let her watch me give birth btw which I found odd as none of my other friends had their mums there. I let her stay in the waiting room.

That decision was obviously yours and your husband's although it's not that odd.

I've been at the birth of 3 of my DGC and some of my friends have been at theirs too.

But none of us would have been excluded from our DC's weddings, so the relationships aren't comparable

vaccinationstation · 21/12/2020 22:07

Oh and I would never have let my mum watch me give birth. We do not have that type of relationship. (And I think this is normal for a majority of women in my experience, not that there is anything wrong with it at all if that is what the mother wants and asks for her mum to be present. I think it is totally despicable for a grandmother to expect this and, worse, to hassle or pressure though - what a burden to put on a pregnant woman. It is a lovely gift if given.)

I also have social anxiety and found getting married stressful. But I wouldn't choose to get married and choose another witness over her (but I would elope) - I think this is the choosing of another "favoured person" that is mean.

Trickyboy · 21/12/2020 22:08

What is the actual problem with your mother watching you get married? She. An be in the room ... if you want .

Why would you not ? Is there a history ?

peboh · 21/12/2020 22:13

It's your wedding, your decision at the end of the day. However I know I'd be devastated if my dd didn't want me at her wedding, i don't think that I'd come out and say it to her but it would break my heart to know she didn't think I was important enough to witness her marrying her love.

Original poster

FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 22:16

Just know how critical she will be. She will criticise my dress, my hair, my makeup, my venue literally everything. I’ve never been able to perform in front of her. I never told her about my school plays, music shows etc because I just feel so shit when she’s watching me .

OP posts:

peboh · 21/12/2020 22:17

I think op perhaps this is more than just having her at your wedding. It seems like there's some underlying problems with your relationship with your mum that you perhaps needs to have an open and frank discussion with her about.

EmilySpinach · 21/12/2020 22:19

@FearTheLiving

Just know how critical she will be. She will criticise my dress, my hair, my makeup, my venue literally everything. I’ve never been able to perform in front of her. I never told her about my school plays, music shows etc because I just feel so shit when she’s watching me .

I don’t understand why you give her access to your daughter, then.

BeigeFoodLover · 21/12/2020 22:21

Really thinks this depends on your relationship.

My sister got married without my mum. Mum lived 2 mins down the road, and she rocked up for photos in my mums garden. Had a reception (meal that my mum paid for) a couple of weeks later.

I’m all for doing you, especially as somebody who’s dad died before they got married, but mum was upset. Put on a brave face, but I as upset.

Trust your reasons. But just double check them too x

BeigeFoodLover · 21/12/2020 22:22

Just seen this. Understand more x

Temporary1234 · 21/12/2020 22:23

Do u want a better relationship with her or want to b distanced? You can choose any of the two and find a kind way to go about it. But you need to decide and approach it appropriately.

Right now it all seems passive aggressive and unkind

ThanksItHasPockets · 21/12/2020 22:24

@FearTheLiving

Just know how critical she will be. She will criticise my dress, my hair, my makeup, my venue literally everything. I’ve never been able to perform in front of her. I never told her about my school plays, music shows etc because I just feel so shit when she’s watching me .

Then she shouldn’t have unsupervised regular access to your daughter. This is clearly why she thinks you are close. You need to reevaluate your boundaries.

maddy68 · 21/12/2020 22:26

Just ask your mum, it's important to her, it's not all about you

beautyboxaddict · 21/12/2020 22:29

Some of the replies here are dreadful.

It is your wedding. You do what you and your partner want.

I got married abroad with just me and DH. We never wanted a wedding, the marriage was the important part to us so we went for the quickest, easiest and cheapest method of achieving that.

Had I been forced to have my mum there (or his mum) it would have been all about her and what she wanted. And unbearably sad for me as my dad died years ago and it would have been just one more life event I couldn’t have him there for.

shrill · 21/12/2020 22:33

OP do what you need to do you are compromising in lots of ways for one day. I would add, but don't be upset down the years if your best friend lets you down at some stage because people can. Hopefully it will never happen but people are human. I hope your wedding is not too far away as this is most likely going to be a problem on your mind until the day is done and for some time after too.

Voice0fReason · 21/12/2020 22:37

This is your marriage that you should do in the way that you both want.
Your wedding should not be about what other people want.

Me and DH eloped. We had a wonderful day where we didn't have to take anyone else into consideration - it was perfect, exactly what we wanted.
My family are very close but they completely understood and were very supportive. My brother did a similar thing and I didn't attend his wedding.

If people expect their children to have a wedding that they don't want, just to make them happy, then I would suggest that it is those parents who are mean and selfish, not their children.

stoneysongs · 21/12/2020 22:39

I’m amazed at how many people think that the mum’s feelings are more important than the OP’s. Weddings are about the bride and groom, not their parents. You do what’s best for you, OP. Have the day you both want.

We got married without anyone there, just witnesses off the street, but we didn’t tell anyone beforehand, which made it easier. Like you we wanted to be married but not do the whole wedding palaver. My mum wasn’t happy but she did later apologise and say she understood it was my day, not hers. I would definitely do it again, it was lovely just sharing it with DH.

NiceTwin · 21/12/2020 22:43

My dh did this at his first wedding, 2 friends as witnesses. His mum was gutted.

When we married, it was parents and siblings (and their dc) only, so not large. Dh's mum was made up to see him get married to his better wife

C8H10N4O2 · 21/12/2020 22:48

Oh right, how olds your daughter? Easy to say in a hypothetical situation tbh.

Well mine are all adults and I also think its their right to have the ceremony (or none) that they want.

Seems to be a lot of projecting here. The OP has made it plain that she has a strained relationship with her mother. They have compromised having a party for the whole family and the OP has facilitated her mother's relationship with the grandchild. That apparently is good enough for everyone else but not the OP's mother, who also felt entitled to be present when the OP was giving birth.

Simply being a blood relative doesn't entitle you to anything if you have not also fostered a relationship with the person.

Yummymummy2020 · 21/12/2020 22:51

I don’t see the big deal really, but my parents eloped abroad and had a joint wedding with another family member(4 people in total, which consisted of the two couples getting wed)So they didn’t invite anyone else at all. We intend to do the same, as we don’t want the stress of organising a wedding with guests. I get very anxious about stuff like that so wouldn’t enjoy it, and I think you should get married how you want to, plenty of opportunities to do things with others but your wedding is really about you and your husband so you don’t need to please anyone else! To each their own and if my daughter does the same I won’t mind at all.

ElephantWhaleRabbit · 21/12/2020 22:53

YANBU. Your wedding, your decision who you invite. It’s clear from the circumstances that this isn’t a ‘snub’.

I enjoyed my wedding with 100+ guests but if I had my time again I’d do the register office and two witnesses approach. In fact I’d probably drag the witnesses in off the street.

Mittens030869 · 21/12/2020 22:55

I’m afraid I agree with PPs that you are being mean not to have your mum at your wedding. Especially as you allow her unsupervised contact with your DD. No wonder she thinks she has a good relationship with you!

I don’t have all that good a relationship with my DM (too complex to go into here). But I’ve never excluded her from important events in my life. Because I know that, underneath it all, she loves my siblings and me and her DGC.

I also know that I would be very hurt if my DDs didn’t want me at their wedding. That’s why I can empathise with your mum. Although her overly dramatic behaviour towards you in general has clearly damaged her relationship with you over the years.

Arthersleep · 21/12/2020 23:08

Do you have children OP? I say this because now that I have children if my own, I feel more empathy towards my parents/in laws etc. Friends, even best friends, can come and go. Most Mother's have a tendency of being there throughout. Yes, it would be more fun to get married with just your friend there. Hanging around with friends is generally much more fun than hanging out with parents. However,I can understand your mother being very hurt (which is coming out as anger). I would let her come. If getting married isn't a massive issue to you, but it is important to her, then what's the problem?

Arthersleep · 21/12/2020 23:10

Sorry, just seen that you have a DD.

hamishpottery · 21/12/2020 23:11

We are planning on doing this. We have always seen it as an elopement it our eyes?! Pre-Covid, we had planned to elope abroad just the two of us, but now we need a witness each in the UK, we deliberated and eventually thought we would ask a friend each.

Planning to have a very low key, relaxed activity based get together at a later point, as we had always intended to have as a separate event. Wish to be married, don't want a 'wedding', the thought of it makes me stressed.

Family situations are complicated. Fairly high risk my mother too would do something dramatic/critical/make it all about herself. Think for us an elopement followed by a fun low key get together at a later point is ideal.

If this were my child (who I would hope to have a better relationship with)- honestly, I would be a tad sad not to be there, but honestly pleased to have raised someone who knew their own mind, be that a massive white day, or a similar set up to what we are having.

The day is about you and your DH to be. Do what makes you happy.

Arthersleep · 21/12/2020 23:17

Just know how critical she will be. She will criticise my dress, my hair, my makeup, my venue literally everything. I’ve never been able to perform in front of her. I never told her about my school plays, music shows etc because I just feel so shit when she’s watching me .

My mum is similar. It seems to me that I can never realise her high expectations. However, lately I have realised how she cannot help the way that she expresses herself. It is learned from her mother. And I have become sensitive to her criticisms. However, I have learnt that what she says and what she means are probably different in her own mind. She's never one to compliment me. However, I bet that she's actually proud of me, even if I could still do better.