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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting my mum to my wedding?

270 replies

FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 18:10

My partner and I are planning a wedding post COVID.
I have never wanted a wedding, I was happy to do the quirky one where you literally just sign the paper work and that’s it. However, my partner wants to do vows etc so we’ve decided to have a quickie ceremony with just two witnesses.

All of my family are ok with this, and my dad has offered to pay for a huge party after the wedding so it can be celebrated but without me having to go through with an actual ceremony. My mum is furious however that she can’t watch me get married. I’m having my best friend as my witness, as we are a lot closer as I am with my mum and my partner is having his brother.

Am I being a dick hole by not inviting her? My dad says to do what ever makes me happy but part of me does feel a bit bad that she won’t watch her only child get married.

OP posts:
angelaEhen · 21/12/2020 21:15

I feel sorry for your mum you sound very uncaring

LovePoppy · 21/12/2020 21:16

@Autumnismyseason

Cruel and self absorbed
The mother throwing a tantrum? You’re right.

Listen, I’d be hurt if my child did this, but I’d support if it’s what they truly wanted. Surely that’s what we do for our loved children?

ThanksItHasPockets · 21/12/2020 21:16

@FearTheLiving

I’m sure she does. Whatever makes her happy but this is one day for me where I want to just do what I want to do.
But you’ve made it very clear to us that very little about your wedding day is about what you want. You’re compromising for everyone except your mother.
Fairyliz · 21/12/2020 21:19

@FearTheLiving

The party is the compromise for the whole family not just my dad. My mum included.

We just have a really weird relationship. She does childcare etc, she’s a great gran but just not a great mum. I would just feel really uncomfortable with her being there.

Wow just wow! you are happy for her to look after your child but not sit in a room for 10 minutes? You actually sound worse and worse.
ivfbeenbusy · 21/12/2020 21:23

You sound really quite selfish and ungrateful.

99% of mothers would be upset not to see their ONLY child get married.

But I suppose you can tell her all About the ceremony and show her the photos when she comes round to provide you with free childcare?!

Original poster
FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 21:23

Free childcare? She has my daughter once a week for dinner because she wants to! I’d be more of an asshole if I said no to that wouldn’t I?

OP posts:
coronafiona · 21/12/2020 21:24

That is so sad for your mum. Invite her.

greenspacesoverthere · 21/12/2020 21:26

*You'll have a party you don't want - to please your dad.

But you won't have one extra person, your mum - at the registry office.*

This

You come across and not very kind, @FearTheLiving

EmilySpinach · 21/12/2020 21:29

Have her at the ceremony to provide childcare for your daughter, then.

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 21/12/2020 21:29

YANBU and I guessed from the start that you don’t have a very happy relationship with her. I’m sure you’ve got very good reasons. I would say stand your ground, but honestly you have to weigh up the drama that’ll come afterwards...

LovePoppy · 21/12/2020 21:29

@HitthatroadJack

mayday678 if you are genuine, you must have a very dysfunctional relationship with your parents and your own kids.

and the OP is happy to go along with a party she didn't want in the first place. Her poor mum.

Dysfunctional? Why? Because she supports others not being manipulated by family?
formerbabe · 21/12/2020 21:30

You sound so cold and detached. I feel sorry for your mum. I can't imagine spending years raising my kids for them to turn round and not allow me to stand in the same room when they're getting married. I'd also suggest that if she's not good enough for that, then she's not good enough to spend time with her gd.

Polly111 · 21/12/2020 21:32

Yanbu to not want your mum there but you also have to accept that it’s normal that your mum is going to be really upset and that it may harm your relationship with her.

I dont think you’ve handled it very well, it would have been much easier if you’d just gone and done it and presented it as a done deal. Also not sure why you’re waiting until after COVID? Now is the perfect time to have a small wedding without too much justification and to avoid the party you don’t want.

Having a massive party afterwards seems like a much bigger compromise than a few extra people at your wedding. It’s going to be so awkward for your mum at the party explaining that she wasn’t invited to the wedding.

LovePoppy · 21/12/2020 21:33

@formerbabe

You sound so cold and detached. I feel sorry for your mum. I can't imagine spending years raising my kids for them to turn round and not allow me to stand in the same room when they're getting married. I'd also suggest that if she's not good enough for that, then she's not good enough to spend time with her gd.
Maybe you’d want to look at how exactly you were as a mother then. Maybe this is how OP was raised. Not every mother is a good one
ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 21/12/2020 21:36

OP you say you’d feel uncomfortable with her there. I’m guessing there’s a pretty unpleasant backstory. It’s understandable that most people don’t really focus on how unhealthy relationships can be between parents and children. I do, and I echo that not all mothers are nice.

formerbabe · 21/12/2020 21:36

@LovePoppy. If she is such an awful mother, why does the op allow her to spend time with her granddaughter?

LovePoppy · 21/12/2020 21:38

I have no idea. That’s her choice though.

EmilySpinach · 21/12/2020 21:38

Of course not all mothers are nice, but as a result those mothers aren’t generally allowed unsupervised weekly access to their grandchildren.

TheCrowsHaveEyes · 21/12/2020 21:40

Her DM can come to the party, watch her GD every week but can't stand in the same room for 20 mins to see her DD get married ... Confused Covid has made lots of people re-evaluate family and personal relationships. I'd imagine your choice to leave your DM out of your wedding will have repercussions on lots of your relationships. It's not only your DM who will judge you.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 21/12/2020 21:43

Giving birth is nothing like getting married. She was unreasonable for wanting to be their for the birth of your child bit not having her their for your marriage when she really wants to come is pretty cruel. I'm assuming your friends and your dps brother wants their for the birth of your child.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 21/12/2020 21:44

No one is that shy that they can't have their mum watch them get married.

user1486131602 · 21/12/2020 21:44

I didn’t invite mine either.....was a lovely day!

Original poster
FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 21:50

I know I’m unreasonable but this thread has definetly made me reevaluate my relationship with my mum and I guess it’s a lot worse than I thought it was.

OP posts:
vaccinationstation · 21/12/2020 21:56

I can understand your mum's point, but she does also sound like someone who wants to be part of the action and who interferes (hence suggestion of being at the birth). Some posters here won't understand how debilitating and stressful it can be if you are already suffering social anxiety to have someone who likes to put their oar in at every opportunity continually doing so.

Ultimately, if you want a really intimate ceremony where you are just left to do exactly what you want very quietly and your mum would interfere with that, make it all about her, try to shoehorn more ceremony and excitement into things and just couldn't stop herself then YANBU.

I think it is probably nicer just to do it without choosing the other witnesses and planning in advance though so that it isn't a question of picking someone else over her, which is more likely to hurt her, to be honest. Just go to a registry office one day and do it. As someone said, it might be humiliating for her to explain that you chose someone else at the eventual party. Whereas if you said "we just wanted to have the piece of paper ASAP and planning something wasn't working with Covid", it would be easier for her.

And I think the nicer thing would be to hold a party at a later date and try to give her some kind of role in that that you don't mind about - eg, can she help choose the food, or the decorations, or do something that would give her some involvement in that bit. Or could you go shopping with her for her outfit. Something that would give her a sense of value and attention.

Butchyrestingface · 21/12/2020 22:00

I'm shy, hate being looked at and the centre of attention and love the idea of an elopement. But a PROPER elopement, none of this 'best friends along as the witnesses' shite. I think you would really need to HATE your mother to pick your pals as witnesses over her.