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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let DD have her advent chocolate

270 replies

Beekeeper31 · 20/12/2020 21:40

DD is 9 and is a lovely well-behaved child and we get on really well, apart from one issue, is that she is obsessed with chocolate, sweets, basically anything with sugar, to the point where if she doesn’t have a sweet treat every day she gets upset.

The back story is that DH also has a sweet tooth and indulges her. Ever since she was 3-4 he would take her out for special treats that involve cake or buying sweets. MIL is also similar. Maybe I'm biased as I don't really enjoy sugar, more of a savoury person.

Anyway, yesterday was her birthday, I made her a chocolate cake, consequently she forgot to eat her chocolate from her advent calendar. This evening she asked if she can have both yesterdays and todays, I said no, just have one as she had already had a hot chocolate this afternoon. This led her to having a massive tantrum, crying and screaming, I sent her to her room and said no chocolate at all then and took her advent calendar and put it away. DH then went to her room to talk to her, came back downstairs and basically said I was being unfair and should just let her have one. I said that’s not a good idea as she needs to learn she can’t keep crying over not getting sweets, highlighting there was a bigger problem that needs addressing.

DH ignored me and took the chocolate from the advent calendar and gave it to her. I’m fuming, mainly because of DH not backing me up. So was I being unreasonable saying no?

OP posts:
Blackdog19 · 20/12/2020 22:11

You were being very unreasonable. I’d be careful you don’t make the issue worse so when she’s older and has access to shops and money she buys whatever and hides it from you.

hennersley · 20/12/2020 22:11

Wow that's so ridiculous! You are going to cause her to have major issues around food if you label foods as "bad" foods. It will just make her binge on them more. Do you have issues with food? Because a tiny extra chocolate will not make any difference at all, it makes me wonder if you're scared of fat and sugar?

bloodyhairy · 20/12/2020 22:11

Oh, please don't do this. I grew up with parents with food control issues, and my relationship with food is fucked up.
As I grew up, I noticed that the children who had the best relationship with food were the ones who weren't deprived. Okay, maybe that's too strong a word. Denied might be better.
It blew my mind that my best friend was given a whole tin of Roses on Christmas Day, and got to eat however many she wanted, whenever she wanted!
Irony was, she could take or leave them. It was me who gorged myself silly!
So, I'm sorry OP, but YABU. Advent calendar chocolates are so tiny that they're unworthy of an argument. Particularly one that will stay in your daughter's head.
You sound controlling, and that will cause more damage than the food. Really sorry Thanks

AccidentallyOnSanta · 20/12/2020 22:11

Have you considered that she's kicking off like this over sweets/chocolate because you are being so controlling and restrictive with it? Whatever you are doing is obviously not working if she's 9 and still crying over it.

Undermining the other parent is a big no but slightly more understandable/acceptable if the other parent is unreasonable.

nosswith · 20/12/2020 22:12

I am with you not your DH on this one.

Lightsontbut · 20/12/2020 22:13

I'm afraid I also think YABU. Had she remembered it she would have already eaten it so it seems punitive to dig your heels in. I wonder if there is more of a back story here as to get so wound up by a small chocolate - when you have already allowed a chocolate calendar - made me wonder whether you have had some issue with eating? is that why your OH did not back you up on this? normally I think it is important that parents support each other's decisions but there are also times when it is more important for one parent to be the voice of reason.

VinylDetective · 20/12/2020 22:13

I wouldn’t have backed you up. It’s entirely logical to eat two advent chocolates if you miss a day.

Charleyhorses · 20/12/2020 22:14

It's not a hill I would choose to die on.

Clymene · 20/12/2020 22:14

An advent calendar is typically a small bar of chocolate eked out over a 24 day period.

You are sucking the joy out of Christmas

hennersley · 20/12/2020 22:15

Also as a side note, a small sweet treat every day is FINE. If no foods are off limits and everything is eaten in moderation you will help your daughter to grow up with a healthy attitude to food.

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 20/12/2020 22:15

Agree with the many, many PPs. YABU.

ddl1 · 20/12/2020 22:15

Yes, I think you are being U. And likely to make your dd even more preoccupied with chocolate.

Unless your dd is really unhealthy, or has been medically advised to reduce her sugar intake, I think this is a very small matter. It's not as though Advent chocolates are huge.

TheGremlinsAreComing · 20/12/2020 22:16

@Whattimeisdinner

DH ignored me and took the chocolate from the advent calendar and gave it to her. I’m fuming, mainly because of DH not backing me up

You were being ridiculous OP. I wouldn't have backed you up either.

I wouldn't have backed you up either. What a ridiculous thing to pick a battle over!
MyDiamondShoesAreTooTight · 20/12/2020 22:16

@mollypuss1

When the op said she was obsessed with sweet stuff I took that as she couldn’t regulate her sweet food intake.

The op said she had had chocolate cake AND a hot chocolate and was then asking for yet more chocolate.

It wasn’t just the hot chocolate the child had had.

innercitysumo · 20/12/2020 22:16

Yabvu. They are tiny.

cricketmum84 · 20/12/2020 22:17

I think you have chosen the wrong hill to die on here

katy1213 · 20/12/2020 22:17

So why did you buy her an Advent calendar with chocolate in? What a fuss to make about half an ounce of chocolate! That's you - not her.

Original poster
Beekeeper31 · 20/12/2020 22:17

You guys are so fast, I can't keep up.
So in answer to the questions. PIL bought the advent calendar. She is really healthy otherwise and gets plenty of exercise The chocolates are not the really tiny ones ( lindt bunny 10grams). It's not so much eating the chocolate, its the extreme reactions to me saying -just have 1 rather than 2. We have DS who is 5 and wouldn't have reacted like that.
It was late -just before bed. I assumed she would have had the extra one tomorrow at some point. I have spoken her about this before, when she's been upset about not getting chocolate (none in the house) and she says it make her feel better-which is maybe why I'm concerned, but if i'm being unreasonable that's fine.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 20/12/2020 22:18

@NowellSingWe

I think you're right because otherwise you're rewarding the tantrum.
If she had been allowed her teeny tiny chocolate there would have been no tantrum.

Of course you shoukd have just let her eat her 2 chocolates. I assume you let her have some of her birthday cake which would have been far worse for her.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 20/12/2020 22:18

Yes. Christ it's a tiny advent chocolate not a tin of Quality Street.

You're going to turn her into someone who eats in secret. You risk doing some serious damage to her relationship with food.

Her behaviour was unacceptable, but she's 9 & you were being very unreasonable.

ChronicallyCurious · 20/12/2020 22:18

YABU. Why are you making such a huge issue over two tiny chocolates? Sure way to give her an issue later in life

SeasonFinale · 20/12/2020 22:19

@Beekeeper31

You guys are so fast, I can't keep up. So in answer to the questions. PIL bought the advent calendar. She is really healthy otherwise and gets plenty of exercise The chocolates are not the really tiny ones ( lindt bunny 10grams). It's not so much eating the chocolate, its the extreme reactions to me saying -just have 1 rather than 2. We have DS who is 5 and wouldn't have reacted like that. It was late -just before bed. I assumed she would have had the extra one tomorrow at some point. I have spoken her about this before, when she's been upset about not getting chocolate (none in the house) and she says it make her feel better-which is maybe why I'm concerned, but if i'm being unreasonable that's fine.
Ah massive drip feed that it was before bed. Clearly DS is your golden child.Hmm
SarahAndQuack · 20/12/2020 22:21

I actually do get where you're coming from.

But it sounds to me as if you and your DP need to have a talk about this at some less fraught time. He definitely shouldn't just discount your perspective. That's not on.

AccidentallyOnSanta · 20/12/2020 22:21

@Beekeeper31

You guys are so fast, I can't keep up. So in answer to the questions. PIL bought the advent calendar. She is really healthy otherwise and gets plenty of exercise The chocolates are not the really tiny ones ( lindt bunny 10grams). It's not so much eating the chocolate, its the extreme reactions to me saying -just have 1 rather than 2. We have DS who is 5 and wouldn't have reacted like that. It was late -just before bed. I assumed she would have had the extra one tomorrow at some point. I have spoken her about this before, when she's been upset about not getting chocolate (none in the house) and she says it make her feel better-which is maybe why I'm concerned, but if i'm being unreasonable that's fine.
What alternatives are you giving her to feel better if you're (rightly or wrongly) controlling the chocolate?

She's telling you there is a problem and chocolate is the fix. You are just trying to remove the chocolate,but what are you doing to actually solve the problem/give her other tools to cope?

PodgeBod · 20/12/2020 22:21

I still think you are being too controlling, it's her calender. So PIL bought it- does she not normally have a chocolate calender?