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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let DD have her advent chocolate

270 replies

Beekeeper31 · 20/12/2020 21:40

DD is 9 and is a lovely well-behaved child and we get on really well, apart from one issue, is that she is obsessed with chocolate, sweets, basically anything with sugar, to the point where if she doesn’t have a sweet treat every day she gets upset.

The back story is that DH also has a sweet tooth and indulges her. Ever since she was 3-4 he would take her out for special treats that involve cake or buying sweets. MIL is also similar. Maybe I'm biased as I don't really enjoy sugar, more of a savoury person.

Anyway, yesterday was her birthday, I made her a chocolate cake, consequently she forgot to eat her chocolate from her advent calendar. This evening she asked if she can have both yesterdays and todays, I said no, just have one as she had already had a hot chocolate this afternoon. This led her to having a massive tantrum, crying and screaming, I sent her to her room and said no chocolate at all then and took her advent calendar and put it away. DH then went to her room to talk to her, came back downstairs and basically said I was being unfair and should just let her have one. I said that’s not a good idea as she needs to learn she can’t keep crying over not getting sweets, highlighting there was a bigger problem that needs addressing.

DH ignored me and took the chocolate from the advent calendar and gave it to her. I’m fuming, mainly because of DH not backing me up. So was I being unreasonable saying no?

OP posts:

Holothane · 20/12/2020 22:31

Well I had three today because I’ve not had over the last few days, does that make me bad, no it doesn’t.

Janus · 20/12/2020 22:31

Wow, it’s one tiny piece of chocolate! I have 4 children and they have theirs before breakfast! It’s not even one month of the year and certainly not worth a row about. All back to ‘normal’ in a few days, I would certainly pick your battles!

Clymene · 20/12/2020 22:32

Why does she have to ask you? It's her advent calendar, she's 9.

Bluntness100 · 20/12/2020 22:33

@slipperywhensparticus

Your husband is a massive twat and you have left it rather late to tackle this however its not too late remind her daily to have her chocolate then brush her teeth tell your husband he is potentially setting her up for a lifetime of obesity and health issues if he keeps on with this shit no more daily treats after December he needs to be on board with this and if she tantrums for it she gets nothing

Will you still be giving into her when she tantrums at 13/15/21? Its way less appealing gor an adult to tantrum

Actually it’s the opposite. Children need to learn to self regulate. Denying her something so small and controlling what she eats to this extreme extent is building her uo to have eating problems later in life. When she gets freedom or money she’s going to eat as much as she can because she was denied.

jeannie46 · 20/12/2020 22:34

@Bluntness100

Well your son might react like that when he is nine. You can’t compare a five year old and. Nine year old for goodness sake

I also agree, pick your battles. There was absolutely no reason she shouldn’t have had her two advent chocolates. It was beyond petty to say no. It was her birthday yesterday and you decided to punish her because she’d had birthday cake yesterday and one small chocolate and a hot chocolate today,

I’m not a fan of your husband needs to back you up no matter how petty you behave school of thought.. In this instance I agree you were being unfair for absolutely no reason, it was one small chocolate extra. So I’d have done what he did.

Be the bigger person, tell your daughter you were wrong to deny her something so small and apologise, then talk to her about her attitude. You can’t expect her to be reasonable if you dole out petty shit and aren’t reasonable yourself.

This + it's not only her relationship with chocolate /food you should be worrying about but her relationship with you You're destroying it.

MrsKoala · 20/12/2020 22:35

This is the kind of shit people tell others about when laughing at their ridiculous parents when they were younger. ‘You’ll never guess what my totally neurotic mum did when I was 9...’ type thing.

Also if my H does something I think is unfair I don’t back him up. I tell him he’s being a nob and exactly why.

Bluntness100 · 20/12/2020 22:36

Also why do you have no chocolate in the house? Is that why your husband and mother in law buy her chocolate? Becayse you don’t?

Why are you making this a way instead of behaving normally round food? Do you have issues with food?

Original poster

Beekeeper31 · 20/12/2020 22:37

This is good point. We have talked about it and suggested listening to her favourite music when she gets upset. She has been really anxious recently and the sugar thing as started to escalate over the last few weeks.

OP posts:

wasgoingmadinthecountry · 20/12/2020 22:37

Is this for real??

TimeQuest01 · 20/12/2020 22:38

Please don’t introduce such drama around chocolate, when she’s older and free to eat as she pleases, she’ll definitely over eat, I’ve had this is my family.

Also, a mum from school was extremely struck about sugar.
Once, on a play date, her daughter showed my daughter treats she is hiding in her bedroom and I remember once at a birthday party, all the girls were playing happily and this other girl was sitting on her own eating a cupcake, as it is the only time she is allowed to eat sugar.
I found it so sad.

saffire · 20/12/2020 22:38

You're going to give her issues with food if you're going to kick up this stink over a tiny chocolate.

ClaireP20 · 20/12/2020 22:40

Jesus, let her have the f*cking advent calendar chocolate. How utterly cruel are you? To me that is emotional abuse.

My kids have theirs as soon as they wake up. Sorry but you are a proper tight arse. Christ, what do you think would happen? Her tooth would fall out because you gave her a tiny bloody chocolate. It is HER advent calender. Not yours to control. Hers. You are a control freak. I would've had a tantrum too. I actually really feel for your daughter.

I feel absolutely sorry for your daughter. I'm so glad she has her dad there.

howmanyroads · 20/12/2020 22:40

@coffeelover3

Sorry to stray from OPs post but I just want to say this is so admirable, even down to the not making a big deal of him declining a second

UsernameChat · 20/12/2020 22:40

Sorry, OP, but i don't think it's unreasonable for your DD to ask for the advent chocolate she didn't eat yesterday, as well as today's chocolate. That being said, your DH shouldn't have undermined you and it's pretty bad if he's allowing her a sweet treat every single day. This is clearly something the two of you need to discuss how to handle, and come to an agreement on.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 20/12/2020 22:40

Sure..it’s totally the chocolate that is upsetting her and not her controlling mum... music is definitely the solution here.

Bluntness100 · 20/12/2020 22:41

@Beekeeper31

How come you’re not addressing your issues? Because you clearly have them. This isn’t about uou preferring savoury. This is weird controlling issues round food. Why does she need to ask if she can eat her chocolate. It should be a given here she can.

You need to address your own relationship with food, becayse your passing your issues onto your child and yes your son will be the same.

PurpleFrames · 20/12/2020 22:43

I've read all OPs posts but not the others.

I think your DP not backing you up is worse than your slight over reaction by not letting her have extra choc. Even if you both disagree on a punishment, (if it's not abusive) you should be a team and he's teaching her how to play you off against each other.

On the good front, from the sounds of it's there's already been lots of "naughty treats" with PIL. That is the line of thinking that's more concerning than her saying it makes her feel happy. No food is inherently bad unless it's conceptualised as such and overdone...

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 20/12/2020 22:43

Best advice I was ever given...pick your battles. This one wasn’t worth the drama.

If you think she’s eating too much sugar. address it longer term. But not over an advent calendar.

Bluntness100 · 20/12/2020 22:44

@UsernameChat

She never said he gives her sweet treats every day, unless you count the advent calendar.

She said she doesn’t have chocolate in the house and that her father In law had to buy her the calendar and both her husband and her mil take her out for sweet treats, I assume because the ops made is such a war zone they need to,

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 20/12/2020 22:44

I also think it was unreasonable not to let her have the second chocolate.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 20/12/2020 22:44

It's a tiny little chocolate. You're going to give her issues over food, you behaving like that.

Clymene · 20/12/2020 22:46

So you don't accept you're in the wrong here?

I wonder whether you might want to reflect on whether you have different attitudes towards your daughter eating vs your son.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 20/12/2020 22:49

What you're teaching her is that she has to eat chocolate whenever it is offered because if she doesn't feel like it and asks for it later she may miss out on the chance to have it. Try to treat sweet foods like any other food. My daughter really likes chocolate and cake but she quite often refuses them or leaves some if she's full. I think it's because we don't have any rule apart from "stop when you're full".

Petitmum · 20/12/2020 22:49

By being overly strict you risk this becoming a huge issue in the future. YABVU

Neolara · 20/12/2020 22:49

I think you were being completely unreasonable. And on her birthday too.

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