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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let DD have her advent chocolate

270 replies

Beekeeper31 · 20/12/2020 21:40

DD is 9 and is a lovely well-behaved child and we get on really well, apart from one issue, is that she is obsessed with chocolate, sweets, basically anything with sugar, to the point where if she doesn’t have a sweet treat every day she gets upset.

The back story is that DH also has a sweet tooth and indulges her. Ever since she was 3-4 he would take her out for special treats that involve cake or buying sweets. MIL is also similar. Maybe I'm biased as I don't really enjoy sugar, more of a savoury person.

Anyway, yesterday was her birthday, I made her a chocolate cake, consequently she forgot to eat her chocolate from her advent calendar. This evening she asked if she can have both yesterdays and todays, I said no, just have one as she had already had a hot chocolate this afternoon. This led her to having a massive tantrum, crying and screaming, I sent her to her room and said no chocolate at all then and took her advent calendar and put it away. DH then went to her room to talk to her, came back downstairs and basically said I was being unfair and should just let her have one. I said that’s not a good idea as she needs to learn she can’t keep crying over not getting sweets, highlighting there was a bigger problem that needs addressing.

DH ignored me and took the chocolate from the advent calendar and gave it to her. I’m fuming, mainly because of DH not backing me up. So was I being unreasonable saying no?

OP posts:
CakeRequired · 21/12/2020 07:52

You are not unreasonable. You shouldn't have said no, and he shouldn't have given her the chocolates. Now she knows tantrums and crying to dad works and she can get what she wants then. Good luck, very bad age to teach her that, although she probably already knew.

Imapotato · 21/12/2020 07:55

Annoying that your DH didn’t back you up. But..... you were pretty unreasonable not to let her have two tiny advent calendar chocolates. you sound quite controlling about food, it’s not the lesson to teach her as she heads into preteen territory.

bruffin · 21/12/2020 07:59

Did you used to post about your dds weight before

shallbe · 21/12/2020 08:05

You were completely unreasonable to say no.

That said a tantrumming 9 year old over a small piece of chocolate, yikes, I think your restrictive approach is potentially having the opposite affect you'd like and making her more obsessive.

LindaEllen · 21/12/2020 08:16

This is such an overreaction. It needs to be addressed but not at Christmas (when things are so shit!) with her advent calendar.

Make a pact as a family to eat less crap and more healthy snacks in the new year and be firm about it. But honestly, this week is not that time.

JohnWaynesHorse · 21/12/2020 08:48

My DM was one of the 80s fitness and no-fat freaks. My sister is a lover of chocolate but it was a very rare thing in our house and we were made to feel guilty eating it regardless. As soon as my sister had her own paper round she bought chocolate. As much as she could and started eating it in secret. It has never left her and we are both quite hefty now. I like other things mum used to super control.

Don't do this to your daughter....... please....... you're setting her up for a lifetime of food issues

Bluntness100 · 21/12/2020 09:09

@LindaEllen

This is such an overreaction. It needs to be addressed but not at Christmas (when things are so shit!) with her advent calendar.

Make a pact as a family to eat less crap and more healthy snacks in the new year and be firm about it. But honestly, this week is not that time.

How much less crap could she eat? It was one advent chocolate etc 😂

Op, you caused this issue, the normal reaction would be “sure, you don’t need to ask when you can open your Calender or what uou can eat darling”.

Not, no, save it till tomorrow as you had a cup of hot chocolate today.

KarmaStar · 21/12/2020 09:50

You were mean.it's a tiny chocolate.it's Christmas.it's been a bad year.you overreacted.

MariaK91 · 21/12/2020 11:10

I think you were being really unreasonable. Even the more expensive advent calendar chocolates are tiny.

Sounds like you just tried to start a fight with a 9 year old kid for the sake of it.

Conkergame · 21/12/2020 11:17

Op your daughter sounds like me - I definitely have a sugar addiction, centred around emotional eating. I don’t have much advice as I haven’t worked out how to overcome it myself yet. I would start by making sure she always eats enough healthy food and exercises so she doesn’t become overweight. Then I think she needs to be slowly weaned off the chocolate in the new year. I would sit her down and explain you’re concerned about her reliance on it and she needs to find other ways to cope with anxiety or sadness. Maybe create a “relaxation corner” with fluffy blankets, her favourite books, some fairy lights. She can sit here when she feels stressed and it should help calm her down. She needs to learn not to use food as an emotional crutch. Not judging as I do the same!

SpiderGwen · 21/12/2020 11:19

YABVU.

And yes, a 10g portion of Lindt is still a small chocolate.

She’s a child most likely going through a hormone surge (v common at that age) and you need to pick your battles.

LadyLazaruss · 21/12/2020 11:20

Hasn't the year been shit enough?! It's two little chocolates ffs, not an entire Cadbury block.

Bluntness100 · 21/12/2020 13:28

@Conkergame

Op your daughter sounds like me - I definitely have a sugar addiction, centred around emotional eating. I don’t have much advice as I haven’t worked out how to overcome it myself yet. I would start by making sure she always eats enough healthy food and exercises so she doesn’t become overweight. Then I think she needs to be slowly weaned off the chocolate in the new year. I would sit her down and explain you’re concerned about her reliance on it and she needs to find other ways to cope with anxiety or sadness. Maybe create a “relaxation corner” with fluffy blankets, her favourite books, some fairy lights. She can sit here when she feels stressed and it should help calm her down. She needs to learn not to use food as an emotional crutch. Not judging as I do the same!
You can’t be serious? She’s a Normal kid wanting to eat her advent chocolate, they don’t keel chocolate in the house and the in-laws and the father have to provide it it in other ways

I’m sorry you’ve got food issues, but this nine year old girl is simply reacting as many kids would do when sweets are made so scarce.

ancientgran · 21/12/2020 16:43

Annoying that your DH didn’t back you up Should he always back her up even if she is wrong, even if he thinks she is being ridiculous. Maybe if people want back up they need to agree the rules.

I would sit her down and explain you’re concerned about her reliance on it and she needs to find other ways to cope with anxiety or sadness. Or maybe she just likes chocolate, I eat chocolate when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when if anxious, when I'm on top of the bloody world. Nobody has ever tried to micromanage it so I don't eat it all the time, no one has ever made me so concerned about eating a bit of chocolate that I've developed some neuroses about it so I eat it if I fancy it regardless of what else is going on.

hansgrueber · 21/12/2020 17:37

@Buttercupcup

I would be pissed that DH didn’t back me up but I would have let her have 2 tiny advent calendar chocolates they are hardly family size bars of dairy milk.
Maybe he disagrees with you! Why is it almost always the woman's opinion that needs 'supporting'?
lioncitygirl · 21/12/2020 17:53

I’m Basically your husband and you are my husband. It’s tedious. Let it go.

AccidentallyOnSanta · 21/12/2020 18:11

@hansgrueber normally it's because women are the main carer and a lot of fathers try to be the fun ones and carelessly disrupt routines, give in to bad habits etc (while enjoying the benefits of good discipline,said routine and being "unable" to cope with the bad habits) which in turn makes the woman's life harder.

That being said I was completely ridiculous a few times and I needed to be told so. So was he when for example he got into a mexican stand off with a 3 yo in the middle of the road on our way to a restaurant over a pair of plastic glasses of all things.
DD knows we have her back even against each other and that grownups including parents fuck things up too.

HitthatroadJack · 21/12/2020 18:19

poor kid

YA Massively U

be careful, with such an unhealthy attitude towards food, you will create problems for later on

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 21/12/2020 18:20

Op you are being cruel. It was her birthday cake and advent choc is tiny you made an issue out of nothing it's not her fault her bday is in December.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 21/12/2020 18:21

Your husband is a good dad. He stuck up for his daughter as you were clearly in the wrong.

saraclara · 21/12/2020 18:35

@LoveMyKidsAndCats

Your husband is a good dad. He stuck up for his daughter as you were clearly in the wrong.
Yep. My husband was incredibly supportive and we were on the same page about parenting nearly all of the time. But I can remember two occasions that I look back on with a "WTF was I thinking?" blush. And on both occasions, my husband supported the child and not me. And I'm glad he did. I was wrong, and my child was being unnecessarily hurt by my unreasonable decisions. I'm glad she saw that her dad was there for her.
ittakes2 · 21/12/2020 18:38

Advent calendars are meant to be had every day so you are being really mean not letting her catch up and eat a tiny chocolate. It’s Christmas for goodness sake and a shit one at that so it would have been a nice treat for her. Honestly you do sound controlling over a tiny Christmas chocolate. If you don’t want her to eat advent chocolates buy her one she reuses each year and put tiny other treats or toys in them.

SOmuchsparkle · 21/12/2020 18:42

Ltb.

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 21/12/2020 18:44

I have children a year older than your daughter so similar age. I would not even expect them to ask me to have the advent chocolate! It’s so small and theirs anyway!
I don’t think your DD is the one with issues around sugary stuff x

TheGremlinsAreComing · 21/12/2020 20:28

@LoveMyKidsAndCats

Your husband is a good dad. He stuck up for his daughter as you were clearly in the wrong.
This. Being a parent doesn't mean you shouldn't be pulled on unreasonable behaviour.