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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL rang to say Xmas presents were wrong

244 replies

WotsitWiggle · 20/12/2020 12:52

DH bought a top for his niece and a football related gift for his nephew (both teenagers). Sent to MIL asking if they could wrap and distribute. He does this every year as we are 250 miles away, but the rest of the family are streets from each other.

MIL rang last night to say he'd bought nephew the same present as last year and the top for niece was too small.

I think this is really bad manners. I've been brought up to be gracious in receiving presents. MIL and BIL have both bought wrong sized othes for DD in the past, or duplicate presents. We've never called them to say there's a problem, just quietly sorted it out behind the scenes.

So as not to dripfeed, MIL is DHs stepmum.

AIBU - MIL was trying to make sure the kids have nice presents
YANBU - how rude!

OP posts:
Brefugee · 20/12/2020 14:51

In that he didn't grow up with her, so they don't have a mum/son relationship. He lived with just his dad until he was 16.

and yet he still feels entitled to use her time to wrap the useless presents? I think it's lovely that she stepped in. It isn't the same as her sending the wrong sized things for your DC - they didn't come via someone else to wrap them.
Perhaps you'd all like to have a little think about how crap you're being to the step mum here? and maybe time to discuss a better way of buying/sending presents to the children in your family

GloGirl · 20/12/2020 14:51

@Aprilx

I was also brought up to be gracious in receiving presents. However these were not presents received, the MIL has commented on his choices in an advisory manner to perhaps give him the opportunity to rectify the errors. It does seem like he could put a bit more effort in, including wrapping up his own presents.
Pretty much this entire comment!
Beautiful3 · 20/12/2020 14:53

Next time, he should ask which sizes they are. It's not rude.

YoniAndGuy · 20/12/2020 14:54

I buy his presents, DDs presents, my family's presents, buy cards and wrapping paper, buy all the food and do all the cooking over the Christmas period. I'll be damned if I'm adding buying his family's presents to that list!

What a tremendous surprise that you do all the shitwork - not.

IWantT0BreakFree · 20/12/2020 14:55

I haven't seen the deleted comment but I gather it points out the completely unnecessary specific mention of niece (child) being an adult XL size. I agree that there was no need to give that detail and, in the context of the OPs original question, it just adds to the general vibe that she doesn't like his family.

If you are offended by a third party telling you that your gift for someone is unsuitable (I.e. not just 'not quite to their taste' but completely unusable, as in a duplicate/wrong size) then you aren't giving in the genuine spirit of generosity. You are buying gifts to tick a job off a list. Someone who genuinely wanted the recipient to enjoy their gift would be grateful if the opportunity to correct the problem. Although someone who genuinely wanted the recipient to enjoy their gift would probably have also made sure nephew's gift wasn't a duplicate and either asked niece's size or given her something else.

RE the wrapping, I think PP are being slightly harsh. We get sent things direct for our kids from one set of grandparents which we wrap and hand over. It's much cheaper and more eco friendly for the gift to be delivered directly to us, as opposed to delivered to them, wrapped and then posted for a second time to us.

Lovemusic33 · 20/12/2020 14:59

I think buying clothes for kids is a bit risky unless you ask first.

I think you MIL was right to say something, could you get her to return them and maybe post out some vouchers instead? Or give MIL money to buy something different?

ChocolateCherrybomb · 20/12/2020 15:04

This is what you sound like to me:

"Clicked the buy button and paid, God-d-d, what more do ya want"

And

"It's only his step mum, she nothing to us, she should keep her ungrateful mouth shut and do as she is told"

You don't sound like very pleasant people, to be honest.

tenlittlecygnets · 20/12/2020 15:10

Why on Earth doesn't your h just wrap and post them? Much easier. And he should keep a list of the gifts he bus each year so he doesn't duplicate them.

Yabu

SleepingStandingUp · 20/12/2020 15:12

So the niece should be grateful for a useless gift and the nephew for one he already owns because the adult is too precious to be told they've made an error / been thoughtless

GreenClock · 20/12/2020 15:12

None of this is your fault or responsibility OP but you should tell him that buying clothes for teenagers is pretty foolish. And sending a size medium to a very plump teenager could cause significant offence and distress - of course your MiL couldn’t hand that over to the young girl! I accept that he was being thoughtless rather than cruel, but all the same...

He should transfer money for the kids ASAP, ask MiL to give the useless gifts to charity, and learn from this experience.

windturbines · 20/12/2020 15:13

Umm... yeah. Your husband sounds utterly useless. Medium and an XL aren't even comparable sizes. Buying the same top twice? I'm not even fully into football and even I know an old kit vs a new kit. Literally takes a 2 second Google. He could also easily wrap them and post them. Probably an extra half hour of effort at the most (wrapping, going to the PO).

I don't know why you're trying to defend him, his 'efforts' just scream lazy.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 20/12/2020 15:15

YABVVU - they say with gifts that it’s the thought that counts. Your MIL accurately assessed that zero thought had gone into these gifts.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 20/12/2020 15:16

You'd rather your present went unused and the money wasted?
How odd

Ethicalbluey45 · 20/12/2020 15:21

Blimey OP sounds like my sister if you are nice enough to buy someone a present get the size right nothing with with asking sizes before you buy . My sister got the hump with my daughter because she told aunty that she bought the wrong shoes and she stopped buying for my daughter and was made to watch her brother open presents until i put a stop to it as it was causing alot of animosity between my children . Oh yeah my sister still thinks my daughter and i are an ungrateful pair

TerribleZebra · 20/12/2020 15:22

Wrap and send your own presents before getting on your high horse about other people's manners. I've also been on the recieving end of family members too bloody lazy to sort out wrapping and sending stuff and I imagine your MIL is just off sick of it as I am. Tip for your lazy OH - if you pay a bit extra Amazon will wrap it for you.

Ethicalbluey45 · 20/12/2020 15:22

meant to say nothing wrong with

Treemama · 20/12/2020 15:22

YABU. It seems that your Dh stepmum knows the children better than you guys. Dh should thank her for pointing out the unsuitability of his gifts. Next year he should consider posting cards with money directly. No hassle for his stepmum and at least the nephew and niece could buy something they would really like/need.

Scarlett1251 · 20/12/2020 15:23

The thing is, your MIL has to sit there on Christmas Day and watch a teenage girl open a gift that is far too small and a boy open a duplicate gift. I would find that very uncomfortable. I can totally understand why she thought to tell you.

Lightsontbut · 20/12/2020 15:27

I buy presents as I want the person to have something nice. If it's not nice for them then I really want them to feel able to let me know. Not sure what the point in giving a present at all is if you just want them to smile, take it and then give it to charity? Esp between close family when it is no big deal (IMHO) to swop something.

immortalstone · 20/12/2020 15:31

Anyway, I get the message. DH is a thoughtless twat and MIL was not rude because she wasn't the intended recipient of the gifts

Excellent summary OP!

DailyPotion · 20/12/2020 15:32

I think it would be rude if it was the chidren or their parent, after the gifts had been given, but this point it's helpful and enables DH to put it right, rather than the gifts go to waste.

It's not MIL who's been "ungrateful" l, the gifts weren't for herand maybe she felt she needed to, seeing as the rest of the responsibility for the gifts seems to fall to her

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 20/12/2020 15:34

@Ethicalbluey45

Blimey OP sounds like my sister if you are `nice ` enough to buy someone a present get the size right nothing with with asking sizes before you buy . My sister got the hump with my daughter because she told aunty that she bought the wrong shoes and she stopped buying for my daughter and was made to watch her brother open presents until i put a stop to it as it was causing alot of animosity between my children . Oh yeah my sister still thinks my daughter and i are an ungrateful pair
This is a completely different situation to OP.
katy1213 · 20/12/2020 15:37

Guess you'll have to step up to the wife-work if you don''t like how she does the step-mother-work - and clearly you've married a man who makes fuck-all effort.

Biscuitsdisappear · 20/12/2020 15:41

I see nothing wrong in your MIL telling her own son that he has messed up, you involved her and the presents were not for her. Mine would have put me straight and told me to make a note of it for next year.

Looneytune253 · 20/12/2020 15:44

I don't think MIL is being rude as she is a third party. Much better that she irons that out before they're given out to the kids and they get the present they deserve.