MIL rang to say Xmas presents were wrong

[WotsitWiggle]

DH bought a top for his niece and a football related gift for his nephew (both teenagers). Sent to MIL asking if they could wrap and distribute. He does this every year as we are 250 miles away, but the rest of the family are streets from each other.

MIL rang last night to say he'd bought nephew the same present as last year and the top for niece was too small.

I think this is really bad manners. I've been brought up to be gracious in receiving presents. MIL and BIL have both bought wrong sized othes for DD in the past, or duplicate presents. We've never called them to say there's a problem, just quietly sorted it out behind the scenes.

So as not to dripfeed, MIL is DHs stepmum.

AIBU - MIL was trying to make sure the kids have nice presents
YANBU - how rude!

Re wrapping - it makes sense to me that if something was ordered online to have it sent direct to MIL if she lives near the recipient and is happy to wrap the presents. Otherwise it means two lots of postage, two chances of it being damaged or lost in transit instead of one. Not lazy - common sense.

But telling MIL that DD’s present is wrong is different to her telling DH that there’s something wrong with DNs’ presents. Unless they have no parents and she’s their main carer. She’s not being ungrateful, she’s being helpful.

FWIW I can’t get too worked up about him sending them unwrapped, if MIL doesn’t object. Makes more sense to send direct from the website to the recipient than have them sent to him, then a trip to the Post Office to have Royal Mail deliver, esp this year when all such interactions should be kept to a minimum. We all do this with our relatives, and they do it with us too, and we wrap them fit our own kids - saves money on postage and packing, and avoids having to pay £5 for the shop to gift wrap, plus it’s more environmentally friendly and Covid-safe to cut down on unnecessary deliveries.

Obviously I'm wrong. In which case, next time she sends a crap present for DD, I'll let her know!

Except that she's not saying he's bought "crap presents" she's just saying that the size was wrong and he bought the same last year. I don't understand why you're trying to make her out as a bad person for doing that, I would want to know if I'd made an error like that before it went to my nieces/nephews and looked like I didn't care enough.

I would have thanked the MIL for letting me know and giving me the chance to not waste my money.

Presumably she sends the gifts wrapped so you don't get a chance to notify her if she's got it a bit wrong?

I've never understood the whole he does his family and I do mine if you are married. My Dh will come up with ideas for my dad and I often have better ideas for his mum. I know lots of people do it your way though.

I don't think she's done anything wrong to be honest! Surprised he can't remember that he's bought the same thing last year. What's he going to do to rectify his errors?

@ImPrincessAurora

Why did he buy a duplicate gift? Not sure how you wouldn’t realise that - and I have 8 nieces and nephews. I’d still know. The top being too small depends really. Did you get the correct age but the child is bigger or did you get their age wrong? This would be easily exchanged, so don’t think such an issue.

The duplicate gift though, YABU.

He bought a duplicate because he's a forgetful sod, and thought it was a good present. And it is, but you only need one of them!

And teen niece is 15, so we're past the point of buying an age group up to be safe . He bought a ladies size medium. He needed to buy extra large.

It sounds like she may have been a bit blunt in her manner, but buying the same thing two years running is a bit lame. And I don't think that the average bloke trying to buy clothes for a teen girl is a good idea---even if the fit is fine, the style will almost certainly be wrong! Also, MIL is doing you a favor by wrapping stuff for you.

It sounds like it might be a better idea to send vouchers directly through the mail in future.

Well in future maybe he should wrap the presents himself for a start.

I think your MIL did the right thing. Seems to be a cant do right for doing situation. I bet she'd have been in the wrong if it turned out she'd known all along the presents were bad choices.

I dont know why you're annoyed with her. Id far rather someone pointed out a problem with my presents than the recipient being disappointed on Christmas morning

I couldn't wrap a present on behalf of someone knowing full well that they aren't suitable. Likewise if I was your dh I'd rather know in advance to try to rectify the situation.

If your dh is close enough with sm to expect her to do his Christmas wrapping for him then her being sm has nothing to do with the fact she's tried to help.

Sounds like you just don't like her.

I’d rather know so I could fixit

Would you rather waste money? Hopefully DH will now send appropriate gifts in time for Christmas and pay for MIL to return the useless ones for a refund.

He doesn't seem that fussed anyway if he's sending the same gift each year and hasn't bothered to check what sized clothes his niece wears before purchasing. He could have easily asked MIL or BIL in advance.

From now on buy, wrap and send your own presents, other people have enough to do at Christmas. Hermes is only £4-6 postage and they collect from your house.

I would expect my mum to let me know if I bought the same present twice. What would be gained from keeping quiet? Just a disappointed nephew?

Also sizes, tricky to get right. He should have asked. I always do.

Your are being over sensitive and ungrateful.

I really can't see the problem here. Why would you spend money on something that will be no use? I think your MIL was trying to help, I can't understand your attitude.

It sounds like you just don’t like your MIL or or your niece tbh.

If he doesn’t want his MIL commenting on his gifts then your DH should bloody wrap and distribute them himself.

Still drastically missing the point OP 🙄

Tbh i would advise your presumably middle ages & male husband to steer well clear of buying clothes for a teenage girl unless the exact item and size has been provided to him in advance.

YABU

If he doesn't know teen niece well enough to know a medium won't fit then he definitely shouldn't be buying her clothes - a dubious choice at that age anyway. Your MIL was absolutely right to point out the error in sizing here - what a position to put MIL in!

I would be suggesting to my DH that he finds out his niece and nephew's bank account details and just transfers money into their account as a gift from now on. That is a good gift IMO for a teenager from an uncle who lives too far away to know them well.

@headhurtstoomuch saying someone is an extra large when they are isn't fat shaming. It's just a fact. Lol.

@AuntieSocia1

I would have thanked the MIL for letting me know and giving me the chance to not waste my money.

Presumably she sends the gifts wrapped so you don't get a chance to notify her if she's got it a bit wrong?

I've never understood the whole he does his family and I do mine if you are married. My Dh will come up with ideas for my dad and I often have better ideas for his mum. I know lots of people do it your way though.

The money's already been wasted, he can't get the gifts back to return them. Next year I'll tell him to either ask for a list or send gift cards.

He's ordered new gifts, anything he could find on Amazon, paid for the gift bags, and sent directly to recipients. So no-one goes without.

I buy his presents, DDs presents, my family's presents, buy cards and wrapping paper, buy all the food and do all the cooking over the Christmas period. I'll be damned if I'm adding buying his family's presents to that list! How many threads do you see where OP is told to leave DHs family to DH? I'm his wife, not his PA.

It was not a dig at stepmums. I was (badly) pointing it out before people started with "it's his mum, she should be able to tell him". He did not grow up with her, they don't have a close relationship.

Anyway, I get the message. DH is a thoughtless twat and MIL was not rude because she wasn't the intended recipient of the gifts.

I'll be on my own here. Yes, it's always bad manners to complain about a gift. I've had plenty of gifts that I couldn't use for one reason or another. I've had gifts of clothes that I would never wear, food I can't eat, ornaments I don't like etc. But, they were gifts and so I thanked the giver.

It’s not MIL’s gifts though. She’s the person wrapping them. It isn’t bad manners to point out that the giver is giving the same gift twice and that the size of the other is wrong especially since she sees the receivers on a consistent basis. She is letting him know so he can rectify it before Christmas while he still has time.

If she had said nothing and let him give those gifts knowing they were wrong, would she be considered rude for doing so when he could have went straight to their parents and asked?

He bought a duplicate because he's a forgetful sod, and thought it was a good present. And it is, but you only need one of them!

So good job his DM isn't then. If he's that forgetful he should write stuff down?

And teen niece is 15, so we're past the point of buying an age group up to be safe . He bought a ladies size medium. He needed to buy extra large.

So no where even remotely right, the nephew was down to forgetfulness, what's this down to? He couldn't care less?

The bullying on here and keyboard warriors are just getting worse. Calling people a cow, husbands useless, lazy etc. Peoples mental health is suffering more now than ever and comments like this can really push people over the edge. I’m surprised that people who should know better do this. If your teen was being exposed to this kind of language you’d report it as bullying. Disgraceful behaviour.

Hmm, a 15 year old receiving a medium item of clothing on xmas day when she wears xl could very well result in tears!

OP, I get that you buy for you family and he buys for his, but as you seem to be opining about SMIL's perceived rudeness here, I think it would be appropriate to suggest to him that he either gifts vouchers, money or asks for specific present suggestions in future.

Teens are tricky to buy for, especially if you don't know them well or see them often.

Also, @headhurtstoomuch someone specifically asked in what way it was the wrong size. So OP answered despite already having said it was the wrong size. That's the only reason OP said it and it wasn't said in a negative way towards niece at all.