AIBU to still feel utterly defeated by it all this morning?

[Matchsticklady]

I was so upset yesterday - Tier 4, no mixing - it just felt like the icing on the cake of a really shit year. Christmas was the one little bright spark before Brexit and the further doom and gloom of January and now there is just...nothing.

I thought I'd wake up and feel a bit better this morning - see the reasoning, accept it, but I don't. If anything I feel worse. Everything seems so utterly pointless. It's not just about Christmas, it's the constant infringements on our liberty and choices, often last minute, that are hugely impacting on our mental health.

I'd remained upbeat, tried to see the positives, understood it was a strange time that we've not experienced before and tried to see the logic in what the government has been doing throughout all the previous lockdowns but I'm done. I'm at my limit I think.

Had DS at the very end of 2019, and it's his first birthday soon. I don't want to be in this fog for it, it's a day we'll never get back and I don't want to look back on it and remember it as feeling sad and lost and hopeless but I don't know how to get out of this numb fog I'm in.

Are things going to get better? I really truly believed they would but now I'm starting to lose faith a bit.Sorry, just needed to get it out.

I have some sympathy as it’s happened so quickly.
However I’m the the NW and we’ve had a very short period of rules relaxation in summer, but aside from that basically been in tier 3 since March. Remember what happened at Eid too, the rules changed at 10pm the night before. At least we’ve had some notice.

To anyone who has posted unsympathetically to OP who is struggling in lockdown with a small baby. Shame on you. Take a look at yourselves. It's not a competition and even if it were new mothers need protection and care as it's such a vulnerable time.

OP I really feel for you, but it will get better. We may hear soon that the Oxford vaccine has been approved and that can be much more quickly rolled out. All will be well again. Take it one day at a time.

I feel you OP. Went to bed utterly defeated...still feeling flat today. As you say, Christmas was the spark that kept us going. To have it snatched away is horrible. We've been in tier 4 (Scotland) since September and it all just feels like it will never end. So sorry this has been your baby's first year. It isn't fair.

I'm going to try and make the next few days as pleasant as I can. Got two DC 3 and 5 who are wildly excited about Christmas so that does help. Going for (yet another) walk this morning, watch a film this afternoon, then a Sunday roast to look forward to. Will take joy in the little things, it's all we can do isn't it? Hope your DS has a lovely first birthday

I feel defeated too OP. And agree that there's little point in repining about having it worst. We've all had different burdens to bear this year. I'm one of the newly-in-tier-4 people and appreciate that until yesterday I could have had a haircut or go to the gym and that there was a period recently when restaurants were open. I could kick myself for not having done the first two yesterday! Didn't do the second because one DC or another was home from school self-isolating. Earlier in the year I have to say that I was also too depressed to go out much. A close friend killed himself in August. The month before DM died of cancer, her death certainly hastened by lack of surgical options due to Covid. Also had my anti-depressant (which I'd taken successfully for years) become unavailable due to supply shortages and the NHS switched me to another which has had terrible side effects.

I feel incredibly sad about all of this but not angry. What I feel angry about is my children's childhoods being ruined, the Christmas play cancelled, the last week of term gone, the nursery trip to the theatre (rebooked twice, only outing all year to a place like that) cancelled, our holiday cancelled, my three year old not remembering a single one of his living relatives.

@LockdownSanta I’ve been through plenty of tough situations, including miscarriages, later pregnancy loss, loss of family members, losing jobs etc etc and I can tell you that trying to be resilient and not letting it out resulted in therapy for me. Resilience isn’t about keeping it all in and putting on a brave front, it’s about letting it out, acknowledging things are shit and then dealing with it.
It annoys me when people treat other people like hysterics just because they are dealing with things in a different way to how they might.

I have had a support bubble with my parents since November but I was under the impression the no Christmas mixing cancelled out the bubbles apart from single household support bubbles I could be wrong though, that would be welcome news

We’ve got a 4 month old. No food in for Christmas as we were due at my parents’. Bracing myself for queuing for hours today at Sainsbury’s to fight over whatever I can get for Christmas Day. If they’d not promised us the window over Xmas we’d have been prepared. Last night I was sad. Today? I’m bloody furious. If I were to see the prime minister in the street today I can’t honestly say I’d be accountable for my actions, I actually feel violent which is an unusual feeling for a mild mannered 31 year old woman!

It is hard. I'm sorry you are having a down day. We all do.

Even in all this, I look forward to January, setting personal goals and what I want from the year, but making it really personal. Rather than aiming for a year, I'll set goals by the moon, which gives you a 2 week period to achieve while it waxes and then reflect. I'm focusing on diet, exercise, getting outside, learning more about nature. Making my home a place I love.

It isn't stealing our children's childhood. It has simply altered them for a time. If you think in terms of stealing then you'd actions will be negative and picked up by your children. Even when feeling down you could still make a list or a plan of what to do with your children. Video games night, board games nights, YouTube making photos for Insta, doing an online race when you clock up milage and get a medal, there are so many things.

Resilience isn’t about keeping it all in and putting on a brave front, it’s about letting it out, acknowledging things are shit and then dealing with it.

Couldn’t agree with this more.

@SofiaMichelle

If you're in T4, you were in T2 or lower until very recently.

Many of us have been under much stricter rules than you all through the year. Where I am, we had literally a month where after the first lockdown we had a bit of freedom to see people, and since then we've back under extreme measures. Virtually no contact with friends family, no social mixing. Most of the time all pubs/restaurants closed down completely.

I feel for everyone who's struggling but you've been in T4 for what, 8hrs?

Not true. Some parts of the S East have been in Tier Three

Me too. My mum has agonized over who to have in her bubbles and settled on a scenario that works for everyone.
Now either I don’t see her, or I ask her to not see her elderly SEN sister she hasn’t seen since June.

We’ve been isolating for over a week, got us all tested yesterday.

It’s proper shit.

I do have sympathy for everyone whose Christmas plans have been ruined or changed last minute. But more sympathy for everyone who has been in tier 3 since September and October, apart from being able to go to non essential shops, things wouldn't chabge for us if we went into tier 4. And we've been here months and because it's rife in schools, we are having Christmas at home anyway.

I also lost a bit of sympathy for the tier 4s when I saw the images of the train station packed to the brim last night, heading to Leeds. Its not about it still being legal last night (tho it wouldn't have been legal to go and stay from 19th to presumably after Christmas anyway) it's about what is the right thing to do, and bring the new strain from London to everywhere else is exactly what the new plans were supposed to achieve. But as usual everyone thinks me, me, me. Everyone has had it shit this year, and I suspect its about to get a whole lot shitter.

I’m sick of it all too. But I’m not angry with the tiers or not being able to see anyone.

I’m angry that because people have constantly flouted the rules we are still stuck under this.

We can see family/ celebrate when this is over. Just be thankful for now that your relatives are alive and well.

It is completely normal for new announcements such as yesterday to knock you for six for a bit, they remind you how dire the situation is and the little bits of hope we cling to fade.

This will end, science will get us there, they just need a bit more time.

I hate the way the NHS failing is used as a stick to frighten us all.

For me there comes a point where compassion for frail and elderly people that I don't know runs out. There's a lot of bollocks talked about how vulnerable various people are, but the truth is that most people into their 70s in goodish health are not vulnerable by any normal measure of risk. We did the John's Hopkins calculator for my FIL yesterday. The risk to a normal weight 73 year old man with hypertension of dying IF he catches Covid is about 1 in 10,000. My risk is 7 in a million. Of the 40-50 people I know who've had covid (including myself) not one has needed hospital treatment, and we've not all been in great pre-existing health.

It's sentimental bollocks to think that the NHS doesn't triage resources pretty viciously to those most likely to benefit from them anyway. There is never going to be a situation where a child with meningitis is sent home from A&E because the hospital is full of Covid patients. If the situation gets very bad they will do what they did in the spring (arguably too effectively, denying some treatment they could have had!) and not let anyone old or frail with Covid in.

If people understood the illogic of the argument that 'the NHS will be unable to cope' then I truly don't think they would stand for this assault on basic civil rights. The NHS is a flexible machine. It can never 'cope' if that means providing world-beating healthcare of the kind that only the richest can afford in the US to an increasingly elderly population, and those with increasingly complex health needs. It will always be there for the basics.

I am sorry you feel like this. I am also now in T4 having been in T3 since Tuesday. It’s they suddenness of the moving on tiers that’s the shock I think

Lots of people who were planning to meet up, whatever tier, now can’t as it’s the one day only

We were told it could be like this for at least a year, possibly two. It’s an unknown virus

Hard as it is I just try to look at the positive my family is safe, and I will do whatever I am asked to keep them safe. That’s all I can do

I think Boris truly wanted people to have a Christmas but it would be irresponsible for him to ignore facts brought to him. The timing was terrible but potentially thousands of people dying would have been so much worse. Let’s remember that he isn’t a scientist so doesn’t have all the information straight away. Things take time.

I think Boris is incompetent and out of his depth. He relaxed the rules in the face of knowing that people would mix anyway and there is no way of enforcing them.
He isn't expected to be a scientist, he is supposed to be an informed leader making the best decisions for the country. He is an absolute joke.

@Matchsticklady support bubbles can still meet up in tier 4.
With a baby under 1, you can form a support bubble so you can see them for Christmas.

@harried

Be interesting to see if you change your stance if your father did catch it. Did need hospital treatment and no beds were available

This time they are also trying to keep hospitals open for normal treatments as well, or don’t those people matter either?

OP I think YANBU to feel how you feel, and I speak as someone who has either been in lockdown or tier 3. Just remember that nothing lasts forever. Look for things to be grateful for, look for opportunities to be kind. Do what you can to sleep well, eat well and to get outdoors.

It's any support bubble OP. The gov.uk site says you can visit bubbles and the link within the paragraph lists all of them.

www.gov.uk/guidance/tier-4-stay-at-home

We are now in Tier 4 and were in Tier 3 previously - It's hell.

Matchsticklady - Christmas was the one thing giving me an aim and keeping me going through it all. i can't offer any wise advice other than there are many on here and in your tier who feel exactly the same. So you are far from alone.

Do try and make time for yourself - which I know is incredibly hard with such a young child. Try scheduling things in, even small things that will help so that you have an "aim" for the day (or week) such as a zoom/skype call with relatives (if they don't stress you out more)!. Just one thing. I find it helps.

@Matchsticklady support bubbles are still valid, so hopefully that will give you some joy today.

I know its shit. Tier 4 here too, until recently tier 3. Pregnant and needing support that I havent had. Midwife apts cancelled and cant see family but for walks, which don't happen bc they're too vulnerable to be out in the cold. Its just awful.

OP with all due respoect you have been in Tier 2 for a while,

It was 17 days. That’s the amount of time between the previous lockdown and moving to tier 3. Or 18 days between the previous lockdown and tier 4 (which is back to lockdown).

It’s not just Christmas I’m feeling down about, I know people are latching onto that as though I’m acting like a quiet Christmas is the worst thing in the world - it’s obviously not.

It’s the relentless of the whole situation, for everybody. Christmas was a little bright spark and of course it would be nice to see people but I’m just feeling the fatigue of it all now. And I think it’s okay to feel like that.

I’m channelling my grandma, who died when I was 9.

She had to put up with her husband going off to fight in WW1.
She buried three of her children, one of whom was born with severe spina bifida.
She had my dad unexpectedly at 43.
She then had to watch several of her adult sons go off to fight in WW2, took a job in a munitions factory, and lived in a town that was absolutely bombed to buggery in the Blitz. One of her daughters was actually bombed out and had to move in with her, with her grandchild.

But she kept going. She was a formidable woman, who was already in her 80s and blind when I was born, so I never had the chance to know her properly. But I have the doll she bought me for my first birthday by my bed, and I’m thinking about her often these days.

If Alice Maud could get through all that, I can do this. Dig deep.