Feeling angry about ingratitude - AIBU?

[NCforthis10]

NC for this. I’m not sure about whether I’m being unreasonable or not and I’m looking for a way of dealing with this.

I’m the manager of one of our company’s branches with 14 staff. I normally buy everyone a gift at Xmas to say thanks for all their efforts in the year. Nothing expensive, usually about £20-25 in value. Because of coronavirus our branch only has a skeleton staff in the office to deal with things that need to be dispatched and customer returns. I’m mainly working from home.

This year I decided to make a donation to a local charity on behalf of the branch rather than deal with the logistics of getting gifts to everyone. I sent an email out to all of the team thanking them for all their teamwork and another successful year despite the coronavirus, explaining that I’d made the donation in their names. I did this at the beginning of the week and no one has even acknowledged this apart from some comments made at a staff Webex meeting on Thursday when a couple of people said that they would have preferred a gift like usual.

I was so taken aback that I couldn’t say anything so I just acted like nothing was said and moved onto the next item. But I’m really struggling with what I see as immense ingratitude.

I’m looking to my fellow mumsnetters to let me know if my reaction is being unreasonable and how to deal with it. I really feel like saying something very pointed as I see making the donation still as a gift which obviously wasn’t appreciated, but I don’t want to make matters worse for myself.

AIBU?

It IS nothing, in the sense the staff received NOTHING. Do you not understand what the word means.
She gave the staff nothing. Not sure how much clearer that can be said

@onlythepianoplayer 100% agree. What should her staff have been grateful for exactly?!

@onlythepianoplayer i have explained why I think it's not nothing. Don't be rude. You are looking at it from a materialistic and mercenary POV.

I find these threads wild as someone who works in the charity sector - we don't get any gifts at Christmas or any other time of year. I guess if you expect it then it's different. I agree it's not really a gift to the staff though - the employer has just made a donation.

I'd be a bit pissed off if I were your staff.

Giving a gift is lovely, and not expected at all, but to dress a charity donation up as a gift to them is complete bollocks, more so to then expect thanks for it.

We don't as standard ever get xmas gifts. This year the director of our company gave all staff a big tin of chocolates each as thanks for the work during the tough year (we are essential staff). Think hundreds of staff. That will get a thanks, because it actually adds up to quite a lot of money and I appreciate the effort in even ordering in so many items and distributing them amongst the staff. It certainly was appreciated.

That being said, the same bosses decided a couple of years ago to cut the staff rewards (plaques, small gift vouchers) for good work, which was only given to a few anyway. I never got one, but loved seeing those who'd got them, receive them. They deserved it. Bosses decided to RAISE money for charity instead. That was a shitty move.

I give a decent amount of money to charity every month - I don't need somebody to choose to donate for me as well. You also leave them in a pickle of a situation when you do that - if they want to say anything (even politely!) about it, it makes them look like arseholes for wanting a present instead of charity, let's be honest.

I appreciate you already said you realise it was a wrong move, but I honestly can't even think why you thought this was a good idea in the first place.

Also, earning £30,000 is relative to the area they live and work in, and costs. They might be running a large family on that as the sole earner. What they earn isn't relative at all to getting a present for Christmas.

I'm also not sure why you didn't just ask your staff yourself, there are ways you could have done it without people having to be identified during the process. Your staffs opinions should really be of more value to you than randomers on mumsnet..

I'd have been annoyed too. A donation on your behalf to a random charity is NOT a gift.

For some of the employees it might have been their only Christmas gift and now they won't even get 1 present to open over Christmas.

I can see that the staff would have preferred a gift and wouldn't be bothered about the donation.

However, don't feel shit about it. It's not a big deal in the scheme of things and you meant well. Just let it lie and you can always get the team a gift at some other point in the year if you want to.

i have explained why I think it's not nothing. Don't be rude. You are looking at it from a materialistic and mercenary POV.

No, I am not. As I said, its perfectly fine for OP not to give any presents, no problem. The problem is expecting people to be grateful when they haven't been given anything.

It doesn't matter if your opinion was that they were given nothing, since they were actually given nothing. Its not a matter for opinions, but fact. It is a fact that they were not given anything, they were given nothing.

Do you understand the meaning of the word?

It doesn't matter if your opinion was that they WERE NOT given nothing, since they were actually given nothing

Do most of you think your christmas gifts come from company money then? Ive never worked other than where managers pay for them out of their own pockets! My team get a bottle of wine each and no I can't claim tax back. I get a present from my manager which she usually makes, like a Christmas cake.

@onlythepianoplayer

You're still being rude. Don't be condescending, I know what the word means. I have a first in English lit from a UoL university and draft contracts for a living.

I've never said the recipients should be grateful, so you are having comprehension issues. Do you understand the meaning of the word?

Personally I don’t like it when someone gives to charity on someone else’s behalf. I support certain charities that mean a lot to me for various reasons having someone else decided where a gift to me is suppose to go I wouldn’t be grateful for. You have basically decided to support your chosen charity instead of buying them a gift, I wouldn’t be impressed and would not be saying thank you for it.

@NCforthis10 I think YABU

My work did this also and this year of all years I would have really appreciate a token of thanks in the post. My DH was sent a small hamper and we were both really excited to get it and he was pleased to get something nice.

Any other year a charity donation would be fine by me but this year has been tough and I think employers should have recognised that.

You're still being rude. Don't be condescending, I know what the word means. I have a first in English lit from a UoL university and draft contracts for a living

Firsts aren't what they used to be, clearly.

I said OP gave the staff nothing. You keep insisting I am wrong. So please do tell us all exactly what you think OP gave to the staff?

I fear the point is too nuanced for you. The point I made up thread is that a donation in your name CAN be a nice thing if properly managed (i.e. you let the recipient choose where the donation goes). I gave an example where I was given a choice by a supplier where to send a donation, and I really valued it. I didn't get anything monetary out of it, but because I made an active selection, a charity got money. Because of me. I don't see it as I got 'nothing'.

You've twisted that into me saying the colleagues were ungrateful

Also, if it's rude to make a charitable donation on someone's behalf, then it's just as rude to say you wanted a gift instead. Just keep quiet.

Which bit are you not following? Did OP give the staff somehting, or did she not? If she did, what was it.

Simple questions, do try.

How loathsome and pathetic. Can you even read?

It's a very simple question which you seem unable to answer, and you're asking me if I can read?

I'll try again, further simplified for you: What. Did. OP. Give. To. The. Staff?

Go on, try really really hard and you might get there eventually.

Nah, thanks, I'll just watch you get apoplectic instead. I've already explained my pov, I don't believe in endless repetitions.

Maybe do something nice for a charity and you won't be so bitter and twisted. Bet you've never given a penny to a charity in your life.

Ok, so your answer is that you now realise you were wrong and shouldn't have argued but you're too embarrassed to admit it. Gotcha. No need for the nastiness.

Unless you want to tell us what OP gave to the staff?

No, thought not.

Fight, fight, fight ✊✊🍿

I stand by everything I said. You lack comprehension and you really are getting irate. Get a nice of cup of tea and have a lie down, pet.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Fight, fight, fight ✊✊🍿

I wouldn't even dignify it by calling it a fight. For some reason she wants a bunfight rather than reading what I said. It's embarassing when people think they're clever when they're actually just obtuse.

She has got you there though Excuse, hasn’t she?
The answer is ‘nothing’ - which you understand but won’t concede to.
Obstinate...but I’m enjoying watching you refuse to give in. It’s funny.

@pictish I gave an example where I was given a donation as a gift in my name and that I didn't see it as 'nothing'. I have a different perspective on it.

Should i lie and say it was 'nothing' just to shut up a random on the internet?