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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry about ingratitude - AIBU?

464 replies

NCforthis10 · 20/12/2020 06:36

NC for this. I’m not sure about whether I’m being unreasonable or not and I’m looking for a way of dealing with this.

I’m the manager of one of our company’s branches with 14 staff. I normally buy everyone a gift at Xmas to say thanks for all their efforts in the year. Nothing expensive, usually about £20-25 in value. Because of coronavirus our branch only has a skeleton staff in the office to deal with things that need to be dispatched and customer returns. I’m mainly working from home.

This year I decided to make a donation to a local charity on behalf of the branch rather than deal with the logistics of getting gifts to everyone. I sent an email out to all of the team thanking them for all their teamwork and another successful year despite the coronavirus, explaining that I’d made the donation in their names. I did this at the beginning of the week and no one has even acknowledged this apart from some comments made at a staff Webex meeting on Thursday when a couple of people said that they would have preferred a gift like usual.

I was so taken aback that I couldn’t say anything so I just acted like nothing was said and moved onto the next item. But I’m really struggling with what I see as immense ingratitude.

I’m looking to my fellow mumsnetters to let me know if my reaction is being unreasonable and how to deal with it. I really feel like saying something very pointed as I see making the donation still as a gift which obviously wasn’t appreciated, but I don’t want to make matters worse for myself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
wirldsgonemad · 21/12/2020 20:30

I put a £10 gift card in a Christmas card for my staff. I would normally give a present but logistically with Covid etc, that seemed a better idea. If people always get a present from work, you can't expect them not to grumble if they get nothing, equally some will prefer you have the money to charity. You can't get all offended because they didn't act how you would have in those circumstances, we're all different!

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 21/12/2020 20:36

Try not to feel too bad about it though! Some
of them might have felt a bit miffed not to receive a gift but that’s all it will be and they won’t give it too much thought. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I personally would have been happy for a charitable donation to be made on my behalf. If I had known you had paid for it yourself I would have said thank you. Though if I had assumed it was corporate money I probably would not have done so.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 21/12/2020 20:39

I’m not saying they don’t deserve recognition but why does the OP have to pay?

Who is recognising her/him?

I don’t expect gifts for doing my job and neither does anyone I work alongside.

I wasn’t brought up that way 🤷‍♀️

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 21/12/2020 20:40

That was for @CremeEggThief who seems to think I’m a disgrace of a person.

You don’t know me or what I do thanks.

Winterwoollies · 21/12/2020 20:45

@Ihavethesecret

You buy a gift thats tax deductible for you and gives you the feels. They get no benefit if they had no input into the chosen charity yet you want them tugging their forelocks in gratitude Hmm
Well put.
SchrodingersImmigrant · 21/12/2020 20:47

Fucking hell.
No workers are entitled to presents from manager's personal money no matter how shit their year was.
If it were company momey, I would be on the side of the staff.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 21/12/2020 20:51

Couldn’t agree more schrodinger

Mumbum2011 · 21/12/2020 21:03

Can't believe that so many feel op was unreasonable. A gift from a manager's own pocket is a nice thing and shouldn't be an obligation. I've never received a Christmas present from a manager. I work for the public sector so don't get a bonus if any kind either.
It's been a shit year for most people and I know in mine and many families we've cut back/ said no presents at all (for the adults/ nieces/ nephews) so the staff were presumptuous to think they'd still get one.

mooncakes · 21/12/2020 21:06

@CremeEggThief

It's not nasty. The boss didn't get her team any gifts after a hard year FFS. THAT was nasty, *@mooncakes*.
I don't think a manager owes her colleagues gifts, even in a hard year.
lyralalala · 21/12/2020 21:10

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Fucking hell. No workers are entitled to presents from manager's personal money no matter how shit their year was. If it were company momey, I would be on the side of the staff.
They’re not entitled to a gift The OP also isn’t entitled to gratitude for her charity donation either
tiredqueen · 21/12/2020 21:18

Yea I wouldn't have been happy about that either. In a year where many have had it hard and a gift from an employer would have been great fully received even if it was just a bottle of wine or equivalent, you chose to donate to a charity on the behalf of the employees who had no say over who it was you were donating too and that they get zero benefit out of and who may not even agree with the charity of choice.

October was the time to announce that decision and run a ballot to let them choose the charity. You could've bought them all an Amazon voucher and I'm sure they'd have appreciated it.

Riv · 21/12/2020 21:23

YA also BU to think £20 - £25 is “not much”. For some of us, it’s not only a lot but is around the amount spent on our main gift from a partner! I’ve never had that much spent on me by an employer - and I have had some well paid professional roles!
I give regularly to charities important to me, but I’d feel really undervalued if someone gave that “on my behalf” to a charity of their choice. I would also find it a bit “virtue signalling “ by the donator and maybe rather upset if I wasn’t totally in tune with the aims of charity that revived the donation.

Riv · 21/12/2020 21:25

Meant to add I wouldn’t expect a gift, but would prefer no gift to a donation to a charity I may not support.

Feministicon · 21/12/2020 21:25

Ahh, I’d be happy with it and earn a hell of a lot less than your staff.

DHdweller · 21/12/2020 21:26

Bizarre. Not sure what they’re supposed to be grateful for

Feministicon · 21/12/2020 21:31

@Riv

Meant to add I wouldn’t expect a gift, but would prefer no gift to a donation to a charity I may not support.
Who wouldn’t support this particular charity?
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 21/12/2020 21:36

Giving to charity is lovely BUT l would have consulted them and asked their preference. They shouldn't expect a gift but l think they should have been given a choice.

tootesuite · 21/12/2020 21:54

@Winterwoollies

You buy a gift thats tax deductible for you and gives you the feels. They get no benefit if they had no input into the chosen charity yet you want them tugging their forelocks in gratitude hmm

Well put.

RTFT. OP says ‘Money was from own pocket and not tax deductible. I’m PAYE so not going to fill out a tax return for the sake of claiming this back.’

tiredqueen · 21/12/2020 23:36

Who wouldn’t support this particular charity

@Riv what do you mean? People have the right to decide what they do and don't support!

Ihavethesecret · 22/12/2020 07:01

@tootesuite if you do what you've so charmingly suggested I do, you'll see that your mentioned AFTER mine by the OP. The fact that it's from their own pocket is even more batshittery. - time OP to stop doing it.

SD1978 · 22/12/2020 07:06

Was definitely rude but I'm not a huge fan of people donating on someone else's name. That's my choice to do, not yours. Whilst it's bloody ignorant not to say thanks, I'd probably be none too impressed either.

iwasacceptableinthe80s · 22/12/2020 07:21

Oh dear your virtue signalling backfired didn't it? And what kind of mug stumps up for FOURTEEN people out of their own pocket? I don't spend that much on some close relatives! You've made it all about you by expecting gratitude for such a shit, thoughtless gesture in what has been a shit year for so many. I bet your name is mud on the employee WhatsApp group.

BringPizza · 22/12/2020 08:38

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Fucking hell. No workers are entitled to presents from manager's personal money no matter how shit their year was. If it were company momey, I would be on the side of the staff.
This entirely. I cannot believe how entitled the vast majority of people on here feel. I've had a shit year at work, as has DH, and we got nothing from our managers. 75% of my team has been let go, those that remain are doing all the work and have no job security themselves. My manager didn't buy me a present, maybe because he's had a shit year himself. There is a person behind this post who tried to do a nice thing and misread how grabby her team is. A lot of you need to give your heads a wobble.

Also a little tired of people saying it was a random charity the employees may not support. If you RTFT OP explained the charity link.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 22/12/2020 08:56

*They’re not entitled to a gift
The OP also isn’t entitled to gratitude for her charity donation either

I agree. I think this point I agreed with above, but that can easily get lost in thread like this😁
I was reacting to some of the nasties who obviously haven't read that it's from Op's personal money.

She messed up. It happens.

onlythepianoplayer · 22/12/2020 09:18

A lot of you need to give your heads a wobble

I don't think you understood the point of the thread.

No-one is entitled to a gift. OP is not entitled to gratitude from her staff for not giving them a gift.

Its not hard, why are people so confused?

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