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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry about ingratitude - AIBU?

464 replies

NCforthis10 · 20/12/2020 06:36

NC for this. I’m not sure about whether I’m being unreasonable or not and I’m looking for a way of dealing with this.

I’m the manager of one of our company’s branches with 14 staff. I normally buy everyone a gift at Xmas to say thanks for all their efforts in the year. Nothing expensive, usually about £20-25 in value. Because of coronavirus our branch only has a skeleton staff in the office to deal with things that need to be dispatched and customer returns. I’m mainly working from home.

This year I decided to make a donation to a local charity on behalf of the branch rather than deal with the logistics of getting gifts to everyone. I sent an email out to all of the team thanking them for all their teamwork and another successful year despite the coronavirus, explaining that I’d made the donation in their names. I did this at the beginning of the week and no one has even acknowledged this apart from some comments made at a staff Webex meeting on Thursday when a couple of people said that they would have preferred a gift like usual.

I was so taken aback that I couldn’t say anything so I just acted like nothing was said and moved onto the next item. But I’m really struggling with what I see as immense ingratitude.

I’m looking to my fellow mumsnetters to let me know if my reaction is being unreasonable and how to deal with it. I really feel like saying something very pointed as I see making the donation still as a gift which obviously wasn’t appreciated, but I don’t want to make matters worse for myself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
DontWalkPastTheCastle · 21/12/2020 12:50

I can't believe you sent an email that essentially said 'Another great year for the branch; I'm donating to a charity and it's got sod all to do with you'.

Amazon vouchers would have taken you half an hour, tops.

Lightsontbut · 21/12/2020 12:50

Naturally people want stuff for themselves but in reality that is just being greedy by nature. None of them NEED a gift they just want one. They should have said thank you at least. Really shocks me how gift obsessed people can be.

Why have YOU not thanked ME for the charity donations I give then? They'd have to see this as a gift for them first which quite clearly, from this thread, the vast majority of people don't.

Franacropan1 · 21/12/2020 12:54

We rarely get a Christmas bonus but when we do, even if it's just a £20 note it makes us feel appreciated. Your colleagues are bound to think that they'd rather have had the money, either for themselves or donate to their own chosen charity. They are probably not saying anything to you, to be polite and not criticise, but believe me, they will have had plenty to say to each other about it, sorry.

Putthegasfireon · 21/12/2020 12:57

@saraclara

ASKING people to donate to your favourite charity instead of buying you a present - entirely fine and laudable. You've given away something that would have been yours.

TELLING people you've given to charity instead of giving them a gift, and they just have to do without a present this year - WTF? You've not given away something that's yours. You've given away something that was supposed to be theirs.

Yes, this. Donating money on someone else's behalf without asking is a crock of shit. They may not even want to support the charity you've donated to, for a while of host of reasons. I would rather have not had a gift at all, tbh. Maybe a nice card thanking me for my work would've sufficed if you don't want to fork out.

I actually can't believe you were expecting people to be grateful OP.

Franacropan1 · 21/12/2020 13:00

I don't know how to edit my post, I meant to ask if it was your own money or the firms. That will effect how people feel about it. If it was your own, even if they'd rather have had the cash they could still thank you for thinking of them. I suspect it was the firms money though and they are feeling a bit miffed.

coffeelover3 · 21/12/2020 13:00

is this a wind up? You could have easily done an amazon gift card to their email addresses... Expecting a thank you for a donation to a charity of your choice with no 'heads up', yeah I would be disappointed. I know you shouldn't count on presents, but some years I would be counting on the gift or 2 from work to re-gift, or some years they were my only present to me as I spent everything on the kids. I think you were mean. You suited yourself didn't you!

excuseforfights · 21/12/2020 13:02

I think OP has gone above and beyond her duty as a branch manager by buying gifts with her own money, which is why she is bewildered by the reaction she has received. She has clearly gone in to it with good intentions.

Our company lets us choose to have a gift or the option to donate on our behalf to one of a number of charities.

I always choose the gift because it’s likely to be the only one I receive (abusive husband). I donate to my favourite charities via direct debit, but I don’t want that as my Xmas gift.

MrsMomoa · 21/12/2020 13:06

What's for next year?
A one year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club?? Hmm

Bluemooninmyeyes1 · 21/12/2020 13:08

I selected YANBU but having thought about it more and after the year we’ve all had a token gift to say thank you wouldn’t have gone amiss.

JovialNickname · 21/12/2020 13:39

Hey... the OP has already been thoroughly chastised and I think she gets it. There's 14 pages of this, why don't we leave her alone now. x

PeaceLoveAndCandy · 21/12/2020 13:52

Hey... the OP has already been thoroughly chastised and I think she gets it. There's 14 pages of this, why don't we leave her alone now. x

I think it's not so much having a go at the OP, I feel like this has really hit a nerve with people.

My feeling is that this is more to do with people being fed up with virtue signalling.

A PP made a good point. You can ask people to donate to a charity instead of giving you a gift, but to tell someone you're donating to charity instead of getting them a gift is crappy.

honeyytoast · 21/12/2020 13:55

OP doesn’t owe anyone a gift ffs! They shouldn’t expect it

HayJkl · 21/12/2020 14:08

You actually thought they would be happy about this?? What a joke.

DilemmaADay · 21/12/2020 14:24

@Porridgeoat
Omg i worked my balls off this year through covid, hours extra and blood, tears for nothing extra, no recognition, no extra pay, snappy managers. I would feel rather insulted if a donation was made to charity.

I agree 100% we got diddely squat for christmas despite working hard all the way through. No vouchers, not bottles of wine or even a christmas card in the post despite an inflated bonus pot they dont seem to want to hand out....Confused the feeling as each manager went out of office and put their out of office on without acknowledgement was really crap.

I think a donation to charity would have almost been better received than the middle finger we seemed to get . Although I see the other side as well, if you've had a crap year and were looking forward to a bottle of wine or chocolates then the charity gift would be poorly received

DontWalkPastTheCastle · 21/12/2020 14:45

@honeyytoast

OP doesn’t owe anyone a gift ffs! They shouldn’t expect it
Of course she doesn't! But equally she shouldn't have NOT bought people a gift, called it a gift, and then complained they weren't grateful enough!
excuseforfights · 21/12/2020 14:48

@DontWalkPastTheCastle She hasn't complained to anyone. She has posted on an anonymous forum. She's allowed to be upset after forking out hundreds of pounds, when she doesn't even own the company!

I would stop the presents.

DontWalkPastTheCastle · 21/12/2020 14:50

I didn't say she complained TO them; she's complaining ABOUT them.

excuseforfights · 21/12/2020 14:51

Yes, on an anonymous forum. Which is fine.

EchidnasPhone · 21/12/2020 14:53

I think they’ve been super ungrateful! You aren’t obliged to buy them anything. Are they aware the gift was directly from yourself and not the company? I think I would stop buying gifts altogether and perhaps ask the company to sort something out.

DontWalkPastTheCastle · 21/12/2020 14:55

@excuseforfights

Yes, on an anonymous forum. Which is fine.
But there's nothing to complain about. She made a donation to the charity of her choice; it's got nothing to do with her team at all! The fact that she made it seem like there is, is where it's gone wrong.
excuseforfights · 21/12/2020 14:57

She tried to do a nice thing but got a kicking for it, I can see why she's bruised. She didn't spend 14 x £25 on champagne for herself.

Her colleagues should have been more understanding given she's not the boss and using her own money. She's brand manager, not CEO!

onlythepianoplayer · 21/12/2020 14:57

But I’m really struggling with what I see as immense ingratitude

What do you think they should be grateful for, ffs? You gave them nothing! Were you expecting everyone to say thank you so much for giving us nothing?

WTF?

excuseforfights · 21/12/2020 15:00

It's not nothing. I agree that it should have been managed better. For example, I got a Christmas card from a supplier saying instead of Christmas gifts, we will make a donation on your behalf. I scanned the QR code and got a choice of 3 charities to donate £20 to. That charity got that money because of my minimaleffort. But OP has tried.

onlythepianoplayer · 21/12/2020 15:04

It IS nothing. OP gave nothing to her staff. They got nothing. Which is entirely fine, but expecting gratitude for nothing is bizarre.

excuseforfights · 21/12/2020 15:10

It's not nothing. I totally admit that I would always choose a physical gift over a donation in my name, but it's not nothing. OP isn't expecting paens of gratitude, but she wasn't expecting blatant backchat.

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