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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry about ingratitude - AIBU?

464 replies

NCforthis10 · 20/12/2020 06:36

NC for this. I’m not sure about whether I’m being unreasonable or not and I’m looking for a way of dealing with this.

I’m the manager of one of our company’s branches with 14 staff. I normally buy everyone a gift at Xmas to say thanks for all their efforts in the year. Nothing expensive, usually about £20-25 in value. Because of coronavirus our branch only has a skeleton staff in the office to deal with things that need to be dispatched and customer returns. I’m mainly working from home.

This year I decided to make a donation to a local charity on behalf of the branch rather than deal with the logistics of getting gifts to everyone. I sent an email out to all of the team thanking them for all their teamwork and another successful year despite the coronavirus, explaining that I’d made the donation in their names. I did this at the beginning of the week and no one has even acknowledged this apart from some comments made at a staff Webex meeting on Thursday when a couple of people said that they would have preferred a gift like usual.

I was so taken aback that I couldn’t say anything so I just acted like nothing was said and moved onto the next item. But I’m really struggling with what I see as immense ingratitude.

I’m looking to my fellow mumsnetters to let me know if my reaction is being unreasonable and how to deal with it. I really feel like saying something very pointed as I see making the donation still as a gift which obviously wasn’t appreciated, but I don’t want to make matters worse for myself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 21/12/2020 17:52

I am here just to observe the shitshow, not agree or disagree

Aprilx · 21/12/2020 17:53

@excuseforfights

The staff received nothing. With your English literature first, I don’t know how you can not see that this is literally true.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 21/12/2020 17:54

Just, if OP is still reading, don't give presents from your personal money generally to staff. It should be company money. That's what I would expect and that's probably why they expected presents and got arsey. I would be horrified finding out it was my manager paying for gifts privately

excuseforfights · 21/12/2020 17:57

@Aprilx read my post of 17.53

excuseforfights · 21/12/2020 18:00

17.51, that should be

onlythepianoplayer · 21/12/2020 18:06

@pictish I gave an example where I was given a donation as a gift in my name and that I didn't see it as 'nothing'. I have a different perspective on it

But that was you, and that was different.

So what was it you think OP gave to her staff.

(Hint: The answer is nothing. You know it, I know it, we all know it. Give it up!)

BackforGood · 21/12/2020 18:08

Fair play to you for accepting that you got it wrong, many many pages ago.

I agree with virtually everyone, that it was an odd choice and that comes from someone who would be happy to have a toilet twinned for me rather than a physical gift for myself, and someone who, in the past, has done a charity gift rather than a physical one for particular people. That

excuseforfights · 21/12/2020 18:13

Yes, it was me, hence why I gave my perspective. Why do you have such a problem with that? I am allowed to value a charity donation made on my behalf.

Maybe some of OP's colleagues would agree with me, and maybe some wouldn't, who knows. I can't speak for them.

TheShepherdsCrown · 21/12/2020 18:15

@Franacropan1

I don't know how to edit my post, I meant to ask if it was your own money or the firms. That will effect how people feel about it. If it was your own, even if they'd rather have had the cash they could still thank you for thinking of them. I suspect it was the firms money though and they are feeling a bit miffed.
@Franacropan1 In her second post at Sun 20-Dec-20 06:59:32 OP states “Money was from own pocket and not tax deductible. I’m PAYE so not going to fill out a tax return for the sake of claiming this back.”

@NCforthis10
OP next year, if you can be bothered to get your colleagues anything I’d suggest a cheap and cheerful selection box for the department. There is no reason why you should be on hock to provide these adults with presents each worth £20-25. That’s around £300 each year. Spend it on loved ones, or donate to your favourite charity from yourself.

melj1213 · 21/12/2020 19:53

If you dont want to deal with giving christmas gifts, fine.

If you want to use the saved money to donate to a charity of your choice, fine.

What is not fine is dressing up your donation as a gift to me when you have in no way consulted me about it.

You are not obliged to give your staff gifts, especially from your own pocket, but if you are going to give gifts then it either needs to be something tangible for them (and this year especially, when people may have had to do without luxuries or treats to make their money go further, a physical gift may have meant so much more) or you need to consult them as to how the money should be donated if it is being done in their name. Even if it was just a case of "We have been fortunate to still be in a job, even if it has been harder than usual. With this in mind, instead of spending £300 on staff christmas gifts this year I would like to donate that money on your behalf to a charity supporting those who havent been as fortunate. Can you all let me know if you would prefer the money to go to X charity, Y charity or split between both? Thanks and have a wonderful christmas"

I work for a big supermarket and we dont get anything big or fancy for christmas - this year we got some of our company's fancy mince pies that retail at about £3 a box and previous years have been a box of chocolates, bottle of fizz etc - but everyone appreciates the gesture for what it is, a token of appreciation for the work we are putting in.

ZenNudist · 21/12/2020 19:56

Fine if they opt in and choose the charity. Otherwise youve just emailed say ing "you're getting nothing this year!"

CremeEggThief · 21/12/2020 20:00

YABU. What a stupid thing for you to do.
We would all be talking about you and your silly ways in our office.

mooncakes · 21/12/2020 20:03

@CremeEggThief

YABU. What a stupid thing for you to do. We would all be talking about you and your silly ways in our office.
Are you this nasty to people in real life Confused
CremeEggThief · 21/12/2020 20:07

It's not nasty. The boss didn't get her team any gifts after a hard year FFS. THAT was nasty, @mooncakes.

FancyAnOlive · 21/12/2020 20:10

I think you should have asked people, and I don't understand what you think they should be grateful for? If my boss told me they'd made a donation to charity instead of giving me an actual present, I don't think I'd feel very grateful - I'd feel cheesed off.

Livelovebehappy · 21/12/2020 20:12

TBH I wouldn’t mind if you’d just said you were giving a donation to charity this year rather than buy gifts, but I wouldn’t like your comment about making a donation ‘in my name’. Some charities I just wouldn’t donate to for various reasons, so would feel a bit miffed that you’d put my name to something that I might not support.

BonnieDundee · 21/12/2020 20:13

It's not a present for them. And dont forget some people have objections to certain charities. Like I said on the other thread, dont send a goat on my behalf. also dont donate to a charity that conducts experiments on innocent animals and frame it as a present to me. I'm a vegetarian and I'd be furious that I had "contributed" to that. Other people have objections to other charities for completely different reasons.

I don't understand why you want gratitude. You didnt do anything for them.

Doodar · 21/12/2020 20:17

I’d be majorly pissed off, you should have given them a gift.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 21/12/2020 20:18

Well I hope the OP - who agreed they’d misjudged matters long, long ago - chooses to no longer spend THEIR OWN MONEY on staff who don’t see the niceness of a charitable donation in difficult times for everyone including charities and churlishly say they’d have preferred a personal present.

yes, it is nice to receive a present but for me the only thing this line manager has done wrong is to expect thanks for the charity donation.

What they have actually done isn’t wrong or stupid. What was wrong in the first place is buying their team gifts with their own money. It should be from the boss or owner if it was done at all.

If I were the OP I seriously would keep my money from now on.

lalafafa · 21/12/2020 20:19

Disgraceful really, give your own gifts to charity, not your thanks to your staff. Really selfish.

SillyOldMummy · 21/12/2020 20:20

I feel sorry for you OP. In my last job people would have really appreciated the gesture. No gifts at all next year. They get paid to go to work, you are not obligated to give them a gift from your own pocket.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 21/12/2020 20:20

And yes, I can understand not wanting to donate to certain charities so would not appreciate it in my name.

But I think that was not the issue for the staff that ‘wanted their own present instead’

CremeEggThief · 21/12/2020 20:27

Bloody hell, @SheldonesqueIsUnwell and @SillyOldMummy, what a disgusting attitude to have towards workers, especially after such a tough year. I really hope neither of you have any employees working for you.

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 21/12/2020 20:29

So you couldn’t be bothered and then decided to be charitable. Your staff may have been counting on your gift to bring a little lightness in trying times. A voucher would have been preferable, they could then decide what to do. It’s been a hard year, more than ever people need their hard work acknowledged.

LemmysAceCard · 21/12/2020 20:30

There is 7 of us in our team including our manager. She buys us Christmas gifts out of her own pocket too. But we all club together to get her a decent present.

If she donated to charity I wouldn’t be bothered as it’s her money, you can’t complain about what other people spend their money on.

I can’t believe people have become so entitled that they expect a present from you. Do they get you anything?