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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say we have it a lot worse?

200 replies

NorthEast322 · 19/12/2020 22:26

Not being able to see my DP who I have been with for 2 and a half years because of coronavirus? He is everything to me but we live apart and cannot be together. Most likely won't even see each other until Easter if we are lucky.
Yes we have kept our jobs and nobody has died/we have not had the virus but aibu to say this is unbelievably tough on us and to not know how we will get through it?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 20/12/2020 03:17

@NorthEast322 I think I'd ask MNHQ to amend the thread title. The mention of worse means people are bound to draw comparisons with other perspectives and situations. I'm sorry you're upset but if your relationship is strong your capacity to ride this out might surprise you.

Janonomouse · 20/12/2020 03:47

I think you'd be surprised how many couples, even pre-covid, might sometimes have to go months without seeing each other. DP and I were long distance for a couple of years. Wasnt great but I'd hardly compare it to the suffering some are experiencing now.

trixiebelden77 · 20/12/2020 03:54

Who suffers the most isn’t a competition.

If it were, it wouldn’t be one you’d want to win.

Everyone’s having a hard time. I’ve had to bite my tongue really hard reading people describe themselves as ‘devestated’ over Christmas or that Christmas ‘was the one thing keeping me going’. But I do it, because everyone’s difficulties are unique to them and not comparable to others. I don’t know how painful this is for them.

BBCONEANDTWO · 20/12/2020 03:57

I feel for you both it's a horrible time - you will get through it though - love will bring you back together physically once the worst of this terrible pandemic is over. Sorry you're so down at the moment - you have every right to feel the way you do. Take care.

1forAll74 · 20/12/2020 04:22

You can survive being apart and all the sadness it brings, because you have to. Being apart can make you more resilient if you can have a small mindset change, and think,or dream about all the times ahead that will change eventually,and happiness will return again. You have to think differently,otherwise you will live with sadness, and gloomy upsetting thoughts everyday.

BritWifeinUSA · 20/12/2020 04:25

I’m guessing the reason he’s not in her “support bubble” is because he’s married. I can’t think of any other reason for them not to be able to live together if he is, indeed, “her everything”. But I wonder what you’re really missing if you weren’t living together before this anyway? So you’re not waking up with him every morning but you weren’t beforehand either.

Before I immigrated to the USA I was in a long-distance relationship with my now-husband. At one point we couldn’t see each other for 8 months. During that period I was in hospital for a long time and managed to get through that without him by my side. We lived to tell the tale. I am sure you will too.

ImNotWhoYouThinkIam · 20/12/2020 04:33

I'm sorry you are struggling but saying you have it "worse" is awful.

My mum had a phone call 2 days ago to say a good friend of hers had died suddenly. She's left behind a husband and almost 2 year old daughter. So while it's sad that you won't see your DP for the foreseeable at least you will see him again.

Sunshineandocean · 20/12/2020 04:39

Im finding this post difficult to believe OP to be honest

Sunshineandocean · 20/12/2020 04:46

People are dying and yes have your pitty party on your own like others - but honestly that thread title is quite disgusting

Nicolastuffedone · 20/12/2020 04:49

Yes, definitely a lot worse Op.....oh! wait, I’ve just remembered my lovely ex colleague who died in March from COVID (front line worker) leaving behind her husband and two you children. She was 40. They faced first day at school etc and now Christmas without their lovely mum. Anyway, back to you OP, hopefully you’ll struggle on and get through this very difficult time 🙄

hashbrownsandwich · 20/12/2020 04:52

Have a Biscuit and calm down.

Sunshineandocean · 20/12/2020 04:58

@Nicolastuffedone

That’s awful - so sad 😞 I hope they have support for Christmas

BananaBMumma · 20/12/2020 04:59

I have friends whose families live down south and they have kids, they haven’t seen grandparents for months. At a drop of a hat they have had ChrIstmas cancelled like so many others. Unfortunately you have made the decision to not be with your partner, you have, the government is trying to keep people safe. I was separated from an ex partner when they were deployed for 6 months seeing them for two weeks in the middle. And that was a visible war with letters and one call a day. This is an invisible war, if you are meant to be you’ll pull through. But this hopeless attitude is not doing anyone any favours. Think of those who have been in hospital, think of how you can take your mind of it by helping others before helping yourself. And yes my Christmas has also been altered, but if it means keeping my granny safe then so be. For me there’s next year but for her there might not be. Get a grip.

NoIdea1234 · 20/12/2020 05:03

Just move in together, or form a support bubble with him. Or just meet up discreetly.

Palatka · 20/12/2020 05:05

I also haven't seen my DH since (early) November due to his work. Unfortunately that's the way it is right now.

If international travel is a go next summer then great -I'll be able too see my mum for the first time in two years and my grandad for the first time in three years. Not through choice, just the way it is.

MrsOmelette · 20/12/2020 05:30

Do you truly not see how pathetic this is? And extremely un-empathetic to the people who have lost loved ones? The horrific pain of grief. The actual, you know, dying, that’s happening. Saying you don’t know how you’ll get through this, just grow up and do it! You have it so easy to see in contact nowadays with videoing etc, just do it. And learn to be grateful for the life you have.

Diglett567 · 20/12/2020 05:48

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling, everyone is having a tough time of it at the moment. If I were you I'd self isolate and then break the rules to see him. Surly it would be classed as a support bubble anyway?

IrisAtwood · 20/12/2020 06:09

It is hard on you.

I doubt that you mean that you have it worse than people who have lost loved ones and jobs though?

Neenan · 20/12/2020 06:21

You have it a lot worse than whom?

The elderly who may not have seen their families for months and are lonely and on borrowed time? Those in the forces who are posted abroad? HCPs who have worked through this pandemic, many having caught the virus in their jobs and now cant go back to their family because their Christmas Day isn’t necessarily being celebrated on the 25th?

It isn’t the misery olympics, and if it was you might scrape a Bronze, but you would have likely stolen it from a more worthwhile competitor.

FrenchFancie · 20/12/2020 06:30

Oh dear OP this isn’t going well. With my kind hat on I understand the difficulty you are facing but.... there are a lot of people worse off than you.
I am an expat, I haven’t seen my parents, brother niece and nephew in 18 months. I have no idea when I will be able to return to the uk to see them. My grandmother is dying and I can’t get to her to say goodbye (cancer not Covid but still, she’s got weeks left and I can’t get there). I will almost certainly miss her funeral.

But I am luck, my husband and kids are here with me. My best friends husband is working away at the moment and now he can’t get home - it’s likely she won’t see him for over a year. Her family is also in the uk and she has missed them for a similar period of time than me.

Another friends husband has been in the uk since September- she has no kids or family here, she cannot get to him for Christmas. It’s likely to be May before she sees him next.

People everywhere are suffering separation and stress that that causes - you are not worse off than many.

MyMonsteraisDeliciosa · 20/12/2020 06:38

There's a real.discrepancy here between that awful thread title and the actual OP which is getting people's backs up. You're entitled to feel hard done by and you're allowed to moan about it but everyone is suffering and it's not a competition!

Hope things improve for you, and everyone else

PurpleMustang · 20/12/2020 06:42

Sorry but you need to get a grip. You don't know it will be Easter. But am sure my kids will feel terrible for your situation, oh let's see yep their Dad is leaving after Christmas and I am financially screwed but back to you

Mamanyt · 20/12/2020 06:54

A lot worse than what? My parents, when my father was away for months at a time, fighting in Korea? My friends, who fought for months away from their families in Viet Nam? My own son, who did FIVE tours in the Middle East (and I have a gray hair for every time the phone rang at an odd hour)? These people were facing flying bullets, and their families wondered hourly if they were still alive.

Things are very rough now, compared to normal, and we don't get to see the ones we love as we might choose to, but, no. You do not have it worse, most of us do not have it worse. My best friend, who spent her father's last few minutes on Facetime with him as he died of COVID-19 HAS IT ROUGH. WE are inconvenienced, and are generally so spoiled that we think we have it rough.

PinkPurpleFlowers · 20/12/2020 06:54

@NoIdea1234

Just move in together, or form a support bubble with him. Or just meet up discreetly.
Just move in together, or form a support bubble with him. Or just meet up discreetly

This really..

mpsw · 20/12/2020 07:02

Yes, it's tough when someone goes away on deployment, you don't see them in RL for months at a time and email and other calls are limited.

But you get used to it

Because there are so many many worse things than can happen than short separations

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