Have I unintentionally made this very awkward ??

[christmasfear]

Name changed.

I've been at a new job on and off for the past few months. I'm in my twenties and my colleague (kind of an unofficial supervisor) is in her fifties ish. She knows I don't have anyone to spend Christmas with this year. She invited me to stay with her over Xmas (in a support bubble so all would be safe) and said a lot of things like "I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it" and eventually after a bit of pushing from my friend (who's busy on Xmas sadly) I sent her an email saying it would be lovely to pop in and see her on Christmas Day. I sent this a few days back.

However, she's not responded to this at all and she's sent multiple subsequent emails to the team so I know she's been online and can read mine. I feel very awkward about the whole thing, as I'm worried she just meant it as a social nicety and doesn't know how to let me down gently. So AIBU to have said yes to it and assumed she wasn't just saying it as an empty idea? I can't imagine anything more awkward than saying something just to be nice and having the other person respond with "yes please!" (or words to that effect).

Would you be better off calling rather her than emailing her? Just be straight up about it, say that you took her offer at face value but sorry if you misunderstood, you’d love to come but don’t mind if she’s changed her mind. She created this situation so if she feels a bit awkward that’s all on her!

and to echo PP, you absolutely have not done anything wrong in accepting. It was a specific invitation that she repeated. If you'd taken a more general 'pop by sometime over the break' invitation to say you were coming round on Christmas Day, that might have been a bit awkward. You've not missed a cue here, if she was inviting you to be polite then she has absolutely missed the mark here.

You sound lovely and straightforward. I'd be inclined to follow up in the same genuine way saying "hi colleague I sent you an email about Christmas but note you haven't yet responded. I'm not sure if you have forgotten to reply or whether you are having second thoughts because of the worsening Covid-19 situation. Either is fine but please let me know as I can make alternative plans if you have changed your mind. Kindest regards

@JamieLeeCurtains

I'd message now, and say that due to the new guidelines it appears that you cannot now take up her kind offer regarding Xmas Day, how sad it all is for us all, but greater good, needs must, etc.

Then never mention it again - and never trust her again. Don't respond to any further fluff.

You did nothing wrong.

@JamieLeeCurtains gives good advice

@Stircrazyschoolmum

* Her view would be that if she had invited someone she would assume they would be coming unless she got a no from them. I’m not sure it would occur to her to reply to a yes?*

On Christmas Day? Your mother wouldn’t expect the courtesy of a response unless it was a no?

So all Christmas Day you have no idea when someone turning up, whether they expect to be fed? Whether to buy for them? I meant that would be so odd and rude

How were you expecting to get to hers after the lunch? Would you still be expecting a lift? It might be that it's a bit inconvenient for them to be driving around on Christmas day, which is why she said stay for the day. Most people just want to relax after Christmas dinner.

You haven't done anything wrong, she's just probably thinking about the logistics of it all. If she doesn't reply, just send another saying "if Christmas day is difficult, perhaps we could meet up on another day, it would be lovely to see you". Then take your gifts and food on that day instead.

On Christmas day, buy lots of nice food in, indulge yourself and watch films. Lots of people will be on their own this year. Personally I love a bit of peace and quiet!

I think you need to just send her a quick email either asking if she's changed her mind/things are difficult, or that you think it's best to stay at home with all the new Covid announcements, otherwise you'll be wringing your hands for days or your colleague will be expecting you but you won't turn up and that would cause a huge awkward situation between you both!
Decide what you'd ideally like to do on Christmas Day and email her accordingly. Good luck!

What was the time lag from her inviting you to you replying? Because if it was more than a few days then maybe she feels you’re boring a bit rude.

How odd! That's really rude of her not to respond. You've done nothing wrong at all.

If you want to go I'd give her a call. If you don't then I'd just leave it.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas whatever happens.

Now I've read your updates and realised you declined the Christmas dinner I think this could be the issue. I think there's a big difference between accepting someone's invitation to spend Christmas Day with them and just calling in for an hour late afternoon. She invited you to spend Christmas at her house, likely because she did want to 'take your under her wing' a bit and I'm guessing for her part of this was her feeling good about looking after you, possibly to talk about to other people, but probably just a feeling that she is a good person. She wanted you to spend the full day there, she wanted to take care of you, she'd even thought about transport for you, I think the offer was sincere. You declined this offer and instead said you'd call in afterwards with your own (specialty) food. This may have unintentionally caused some offence - she wanted to host you to be generous but now it's reversed, you've declined her generosity and instead you're turning up afterwards, not clear what time and taking your own gifts and food. She may have had the day planned out in her own head and her picture involved you actually sat round the table eating Christmas dinner with everyone. She may feel upset that you don't want to eat at her house, that you don't feel she'd be a good host, or just feel that you don't really want to go.

Or it could be that she didn't feel a reply was needed, that you're calling later for to call afterwards and she assumes you're going to let her know what time and she's looking forward to seeing you and has already told her family and is looking forward to it.

Or as others have suggested she's not seen the email or thinks she's replied to it.

Or her family are feeling awkward about it and she doesn't know what to say.

Or a million other possible scenarios. As in my experience lots of people over think things, I do it but I've learned I'm not the only one. She could easily be playing it over in her own head for whatever reason?

But you're not going to know any of these things if you don't contact her. You're just going to continue thinking about it all and getting stressed. You haven't done anything wrong, emails are a nightmare for misinterpretation. It's unlikely you have offended her but if you have it's been unintentional. You are a good person. I would definitely send her a nice email, or if you have her number you could even give her a quick ring. Along the lines of 'i was really looking forward to seeing you but all these new announcements are making it seem like it might not be the best idea, what do you think'. And let us know what the outcome is as I'm now over thinking the whole thing as if it's my own dilemma as these are exactly the kind of situations I seem to find myself in over and over again!!

I wouldn't just leave it as it'll make it more awkward for you. If you've not heard in a day or two, just send an email saying some like 'Not heard anything back from you, no worries if things have changed, I did appreciate the offer.'

She offered something that didn't suit you, but instead of declining you've altered it to something that you would prefer.

She probably thinks that she was doing you a favour by not leaving you on your own all day maybe thinks that you are being rude?

A bit-well I'll be OK for most of the day, but I'll turn up if I get fed up with being on my own?

What was the time lag from her inviting you to you replying? Because if it was more than a few days then maybe she feels you’re boring a bit rude.

So we had a zoom call earlier this week, around Thursday I think - I automatically said "no but thank you very much" (in a more roundabout way) because I thought she was just saying it to be nice, but she went into all this stuff about "I'm not just saying it to be nice", "swear you'll come if you'd like to", "I don't want you to be lonely" etc so I said I'd get back to her and thanked her which she seemed fine with. No more than a few hours later (after the prodding from my friend), I sent her the email and she's sent subsequent team emails but not responded to mine. I've checked and it's definitely gone through. @Bagamoyo1

Normally I wouldn't be too fussed over a few days wait for response, but when it involves active plans, a hectic day and clarification I'm a bit more aware of time gone by, especially when it's not like she's been off her emails. So I didn't take weeks to respond if that's what you mean! I was specifically quite prompt as I know it's difficult to manoeuvre Christmas especially with guests.

How were you expecting to get to hers after the lunch? Would you still be expecting a lift?

She offered the lift, I didn't suggest it by any means. I would probably take public transport or try and get a lift off a friend if there was one going. My friend has an afternoon to night shift so she'd be happy with dropping me there if there was a time arranged prior (also why it would be good logistically to "pop in" after lunch if that makes sense) and I'd figure something out on the way back. @MakeItRain

Thank you to everyone wishing a happy Christmas, I appreciate it and I hope you have one too!

Oh god I hate things like this. You get pressed to do something you're not even that bothered about, reluctantly accept, and somehow you've committed a terrible social blunder because you were meant to know they were only being polite....
Agree with earlier poster about the biscuits, the breezy "oh help yourself" means anything but.
I'd leave it for a bit, and see if she says anything in the next couple of days.

I’d interpret it as you have an agreement - she’s invited you and you have accepted - the emails she is sending to others are work related - she will contact you separately over this issue.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong,
if it was me I’d be wanting to know if you were coming or not.
If you’d said you’d pop in and that didn’t suit me I’d have replied and said I was really hoping you’d come for the day, and join us for lunch if only because it makes it easier with the lifts and people driving to get you immediately after lunch. If I sensed you wanted a get out clause I’d offer one
If she’d wanted to cancel she could make up an excuse
It’s normal to offer a food contribution too, so nothing wrong with that

So I think it’s odd that she hasn’t replied and it could be that she’s waiting to see what you want to do before saying anything.
But she’s the host so that is a cop out.
Is there a chance she’s just overwhelmed with work/Christmas preparations/family issues or something?
for your own peace of mind it’s better to decide what you want to do and clarify that with her, or you could get messages saying Why didn’t you show up I was expecting you.
I don’t think it’s double texting if she hasn’t replied and some time has past
It’s not fair that this has made you feel bad and I hope you find a way to enjoy the day and see your friend when she’s free of work.

Ohhhh I think the popping in thing is definitely what's going on OP!

See if I invited you to spend christmas day with me, I would get you over fairly early and would want to actively involve you in the whole thing,so cooking together, etc. But even if she just wanted you around for Christmas dinner, it's still this idea that you would arrive and join the family for the whole christmas process.

What you've suggested is a little awkward, because popping in is actually MORE hassle than doing the whole day and dinner with them. I cant really explain what I mean. It's like she will need to "check out" of the family Christmas bubble to hang out with you for an hour or two, rather than you becoming part of the family for the day.

Do you get what I mean?

Now I've read your updates and realised you declined the Christmas dinner I think this could be the issue. I think there's a big difference between accepting someone's invitation to spend Christmas Day with them and just calling in for an hour late afternoon. She invited you to spend Christmas at her house, likely because she did want to 'take your under her wing' a bit and I'm guessing for her part of this was her feeling good about looking after you, possibly to talk about to other people, but probably just a feeling that she is a good person. She wanted you to spend the full day there, she wanted to take care of you, she'd even thought about transport for you, I think the offer was sincere. You declined this offer and instead said you'd call in afterwards with your own (specialty) food. This may have unintentionally caused some offence - she wanted to host you to be generous but now it's reversed, you've declined her generosity and instead you're turning up afterwards, not clear what time and taking your own gifts and food.

Sorry big reference, @pcmcgregor!
I made it quite clear in the email that I'd be more than happy to spend Christmas lunch with her, but I know that this year has been hard with Covid and she might want time to spend time with her family (as such bringing in the "popping in" plan) which I left quite open-ended so she could say "No, don't worry about it at all, come anyway" or "Yes, popping in would be easier". I figured it would be more abrasive to show up and make her cook me a plate of food if she just meant it as a social nicety. Maybe that was my mistake, but I'm not great at reading this many layers between the lines. I feel like I'm in the Matrix

I wish I could just show the email for clarity purposes but that would be VERY outing

She offered something that didn't suit you, but instead of declining you've altered it to something that you would prefer. She probably thinks that she was doing you a favour by not leaving you on your own all day maybe thinks that you are being rude? A bit-well I'll be OK for most of the day, but I'll turn up if I get fed up with being on my own?

I'm trying to make things the most convenient and fun for everyone, I didn't realise offering options that she could potentially take (therefore sparing her the awkward "No don't come for lunch but hang out instead" conversation) could be misconstrued that way. If this is how people usually communicate I feel as though I may find myself in this situation more frequently than preferable!

I’d leave it and assume she’s either changed her mind or got confused by you saying you’d pop in after lunch.

Sounds like she expected to pick you up, do the cooking together, have lunch and games then drop you home? She might not want you coming later in the day instead or bringing food.

Or she might be worried about covid, or her own children getting home, or just a bit scatty and forgot she invited you at all!

Don’t worry about it.

I would find a work related reason to Zoom call her tomorrow and then bring this up as an afterthought. I would say something like “Oh by the way, can I just check what’s happening on Friday? Are you sure it’s still ok for me to come for lunch as I know how busy you’ll be with the family and I don’t want to intrude?”.

Is there a chance she’s just overwhelmed with work/Christmas preparations/family issues or something?

I mean potentially that's the case, it is a stressful time after all. I'll hold off before making any definitive answers but I think the odds of me being keen to go are now quite slim as it feels forced. @DuckbilledSplatterPuff

What you've suggested is a little awkward, because popping in is actually MORE hassle than doing the whole day and dinner with them. I cant really explain what I mean. It's like she will need to check outof the family Christmas bubble to hang out with you for an hour or two, rather than you becoming part of the family for the day.

That's potentially true depending on her situation with family, but even so I'd be more than happy to compromise or discuss what's convenient if she had responded to the email. If I offered something and someone said "that sounds great, but if it's easier for you I don't mind doing x instead and I'll bring y?" I wouldn't take it as a personal slight on my festive capabilities as a host. I'd probably just think "hmm would that work for me?" and fire back a response.
Maybe I'm too laissez faire about hosting though
@CrotchBurn

But if popping in was easier, wouldn't she have suggested that?

I think if she is offended at you suggesting a shorter visit because she had envisaged you being there all day then she needs to realise that her invitation is kind but the day is not about her only, especially if you can arrange your own transport.

You might like to see her for a couple of hours and appreciate the company but not want to spend the whole day with a family you don't know. I get that.

You haven't made a faux pas here and there's no reason you couldn't join in for a drink and a mince pie and join the game of charades or whatever.

One things for sure: she will have to reply soon otherwise the awkwardness is going to be on her