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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have I unintentionally made this very awkward ??

346 replies

christmasfear · 19/12/2020 17:40

Name changed.

I've been at a new job on and off for the past few months. I'm in my twenties and my colleague (kind of an unofficial supervisor) is in her fifties ish. She knows I don't have anyone to spend Christmas with this year. She invited me to stay with her over Xmas (in a support bubble so all would be safe) and said a lot of things like "I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it" and eventually after a bit of pushing from my friend (who's busy on Xmas sadly) I sent her an email saying it would be lovely to pop in and see her on Christmas Day. I sent this a few days back.

However, she's not responded to this at all and she's sent multiple subsequent emails to the team so I know she's been online and can read mine. I feel very awkward about the whole thing, as I'm worried she just meant it as a social nicety and doesn't know how to let me down gently. So AIBU to have said yes to it and assumed she wasn't just saying it as an empty idea? I can't imagine anything more awkward than saying something just to be nice and having the other person respond with "yes please!" (or words to that effect).

OP posts:

Namechangebuttercup · 31/12/2020 16:22

I've been following along but just posting now.

I totally feel for you OP. I grew up in middle class Britain with a North American single mother (English father abandoned us). This type of not saying what you mean (as in your colleague) was very difficult for my mother and I ended up basically in your place where you can see it from both sides and end up in a mess!!

I reckon too she'll brush it under the carpet. Bottom line is, I'm afraid, that these social "niceties" provide an opt-out for emotionally immature people, even if they are sophisticated in their use of the "niceties". It's seen as unsophisticated to address things plainly and directly and there's no evidence she's able to do that.

Glad you got chocolates and Desperate Housewives our of the situation though! Sounds great!

Head up and do not think about this any more. Don't mention her not replying. Just play her at her own game now. Smile, be polite and never, ever mention it. Feign ignorance if she does mention it. Simply do not go there now in any way as it can only end badly!

Hope you have a good evening (alone or with others) planned this evening!

misskatamari · 31/12/2020 19:25

@dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby that may be true, but if something is 13 pages long, and started weeks ago, it's pretty likely that the OP will at least have clarified many points you might raise, so even if one doesn't want to read all the posts, at least reading their responses means you're not wasting time posting something that has already been said countless times, and explained 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hapixmas · 31/12/2020 21:49

Sorry to hear this op. She either was ill or wasn't. There isn't any confusion about that! Strange. Hope you had a good one anyway!

HereIAmOnceAgain · 01/01/2021 02:37

'Must' have been sick is a very strange way to say it. She was either sick or not.

CrotchBurn · 01/01/2021 07:12

You have clearly offended her for her to
A) Play dead and
B) Switch to using a colder more formal version of your name

The only question is - what did you do?

SwanShaped · 01/01/2021 08:31

That’s pretty weird of her.

HikeForward · 01/01/2021 08:39

I think it might have been courteous to send me an email if that was the case, but really I think she's just come up with an excuse

Yes it would have been courteous I agree. But she didn’t and only she knows why.

Maybe several team members had emailed her over Xmas and she didn’t reply to anyone individually? Maybe she had covid? Or a family member had covid or was waiting for a test result? Or it could have been something embarrassing she doesn’t want to talk about, eg she had a row with her husband or kids or an embarrassing injury/illness?

I just realised from a previous post you have ASD/Aspergers and she knows this. She really should be more understanding and communicate clearly with you. No wonder you’re still worrying about this! If it’s any comfort, I have high-functioning aspergers and when i was younger I would have been the same over a situation like this. Nowadays I don’t care enough what people think (and never accept this sort of invitation anyway) but when I was in my 20s I would have stressed over it for weeks. Your boss probably needs some training in people skills and communication!

HikeForward · 01/01/2021 08:42

'I must have been sick'

That implies she doesn’t remember Xmas at all! I’d be teasing her asking if she was too drunk to remember Xmas (with reply-all 😂)

HikeForward · 01/01/2021 08:47

Yes, she's been a bit off with me (I always go by a nickname and I sign my emails by that name, but she's just started calling me by my full name instead which seems impersonal as she is aware I don't like / use it other than on official documents)

I wouldn’t worry about the name/nickname thing. My boss spells my name all different ways, sometimes uses my full name, sometimes just the first 3 letters, sometimes even muddles my name with a colleague who has a similar name! It’s been 8 years since we met and she still does it. It tends to coincide with how busy/stressed she is!

Can you put your nickname in your email signature to remind her?

Original poster

christmasfear · 01/01/2021 14:30

You have clearly offended her for her to
A) Play dead and
B) Switch to using a colder more formal version of your name

The only question is - what did you do?

This is not helping my worries hahaha. I don't know what I've done, genuinely if I do something bad then I'm almost always aware of it but this time it seems completely random. Maybe she's just odd, or maybe I'm just odd ( there's no maybe about that ) but truly I can't think of anything I've said to cause this much offense.

Can you put your nickname in your email signature to remind her?

I do, it's how I always sign my emails with my nickname (unless it's something very official but it rarely is!)

OP posts:

SmileyClare · 01/01/2021 21:30

This just gets more and more baffling.

She messaged the entire team to apologise to everyone for being "uncontactable by e-mail" for all of the Christmas period?

The only explanation is that she got swept up in the idea of being Mother Christmas and invited everyone who mentioned they didn't have plans.
After sitting down at home and reflecting she realised Shit! It simply isn't doable! no turkey will be big enough and I don't have enough chairs, why did I invite people just because it made me look like a lovely generous person! I don't want all these people, I'm not a generous lovely person! So she ghosted everyone and drank her body weight in wine to forget the whole debacle. The whole thing is now a blur and she thinks she was sick on her lounge carpet judging by the weird stain.

Alternatively, perhaps write this off as one of life's mysteries. I don't think you'll ever get to the bottom of what she was thinking.
Try not to worry Op and perhaps take anything else she says (non work related) with a pinch of salt.

ContessaDiPulpo · 01/01/2021 22:23

I wonder if she was maybe told by someone (maybe a higher up colleague) that she was being overfamiliar by inviting you to her home OP? That would explain the radio silence and sudden adjustment of your name to a more formal version.

ContessaDiPulpo · 01/01/2021 22:23

I mean, that would be weird too, but might at least explain things a bit!!

SmileyClare · 01/01/2021 22:45

I'm a terrible people pleaser so in your shoes I think I'd approach her when back to work and smooth it over. "God, so sorry we didn't manage to get our heads together before Christmas. Your e mail seemed to go down so I couldn't get in touch? Oh well,.don't worry, let's forget in now, hope you had a nice day" that sort of thing.

I'm a bit of a mug though, I hate any awkwardness or people feeling embarrassed.

Savoretti · 01/01/2021 23:05

I wonder if she mentioned to her family that she had invited someone else and they weren’t happy. She didn’t know what to do so just ignored it...
FWIW I don’t think you did anything wrong at all, your response was absolutely fine giving her the chance to suggest as long or short a time as worked for her. I would have acted exactly as you did.
I think she’s really embarrassed now and hiding behind formality

EddyF · 01/01/2021 23:08

You did absolutely nothing wrong, OP. I would try my very best to not give this a second thought.

WaltzesWithSnobs · 02/01/2021 10:03

I just want to add to the chorus of You did nothing wrong OP. And you certainly don't deserve her coldness. If she has a problem with you, the decent thing to do would be to let you know. People dont often do that though. They just go cold and leave you wondering wtf you did.

Rollmopsrule · 02/01/2021 10:27

I just want to add to the posters telling you you did absolutely nothing wrong. All of this lays at your colleagues feet and she should be the one feeling awkward. The posters trying to say you shouldn't have said you'd 'pop' in are talking nonsense. I understand exactly want you were conveying and so would she. I wonder if one of her kids objected and she didn't know how to handle it so just stuck her head in the sand and ignored you. Anyway please don't analyse it. You'll never know what what going on in her head and some people are just weird and quite frankly weak that they can't be more up front with people. She should be worried about seeing you in person and how she'll handle it . Just be polite and professional. Happy New Year Op. X

chocolatepowder · 02/01/2021 11:37

Why in gods name didn't you phone the woman. Trading messages back and forth is exhausting. You don't know she got your email - random stuff ends up in my junk all the time. Maybe she forgot to reply - your message sounded like you didn't want to go anyhow. She was probably expecting you to drop in all bloody day.

goldielockdown2 · 02/01/2021 11:43

'I must have been sick'....is she an actual flake?
At least you know now she is laughable and can bat off anything else she ever says in a 'what is she like!' kind of way.

Original poster

christmasfear · 02/01/2021 12:37

Thank you to everyone being supportive, I really appreciate it!

Why in gods name didn't you phone the woman. Trading messages back and forth is exhausting.

I felt phoning her might have been pushy given she ignored the email, on top of the fact that we rarely ever phone.

your message sounded like you didn't want to go anyhow. She was probably expecting you to drop in all bloody day.

I said I did want to go. I asked her to firm up plans, if she expected me to go with no time and no address I think that's (probably) unreasonable.

OP posts:

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