Page 4 | Have I unintentionally made this very awkward ??

christmasfear · 2020-12-19T17:40:37+00:00

Name changed. I've been at a new job on and off for the past few months. I'm in my twenties and my colleague (kind of an unofficial supervisor) is in her fifties ish. She knows I don't have anyone to spend Christmas with this year. She invited me to stay with her over Xmas (in a support bubble so all would be safe) and said a lot of things like "I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it" and eventually after a bit of pushing from my friend (who's busy on Xmas sadly) I sent her an email saying it would be lovely to pop in and see her on Christmas Day. I sent this a few days back. However, she's not responded to this at all and she's sent multiple subsequent emails to the team so I know she's been online and can read mine. I feel very awkward about the whole thing, as I'm worried she just meant it as a social nicety and doesn't know how to let me down gently. So AIBU to have said yes to it and assumed she wasn't just saying it as an empty idea? I can't imagine anything more awkward than saying something just to be nice and having the other person respond with "yes please!" (or words to that effect). [blush]

fluffygreenmonsterhoody · 20/12/2020 07:26

OP it’s the ‘pop in’ that’s likely caused this, she probably doesn’t know how to reply. Pop in doesn’t suggest you’re coming for Christmas dinner, it suggests you may... pop in!

She may be waiting for you to tell her when you’ll pop in before she replies.

If she’s a friend then speak to her. Don’t overanalyse that you’re ‘double texting’. Just be like you usually are and speak to her rather than all this agonising.

HolaVida · 20/12/2020 07:32

Nicola’s announcement yesterday changed everything in Scotland too- it could be that people she’d planned to see on Boxibg day now she has to see on the 25th.

Send her a quick follow up email -

Original poster

christmasfear · 20/12/2020 07:34

OP it’s the pop in that’s likely caused this, she probably doesn’t know how to reply. Pop in doesn’t suggest you’re coming for Christmas dinner, it suggests you may... pop in!

So I said I'd pop in for a bit after Christmas lunch, and bring some extra things (my specialty food, wine and some gifts). I said I'd love to see her but wouldn't want to encroach on her time with her family, as family is so important especially this year with the Covid issues.
If I had known the use of those words would irritate or confuse her to the extent of not responding I probably would have saved her some hassle and said no.

I just meant "pop in" as if she was just saying it to be nice, I didn't want to suck the fun out of her whole day (if that makes sense). @fluffygreenmonsterhoody

OP posts:

gavisconismyfriend · 20/12/2020 07:39

Scotland has also changed. Only supposed to visit in someone else’s house if “essential”. So it would be appropriate to email her again and say that you’re very grateful for her offer but in the light of the new guidance you realise it isn’t allowed.

Teddybelle · 20/12/2020 07:54

I think it’s easy to get paranoid about email/text tone, or lack of response. It usually turns out to be nothing... someone preoccupied or in a hurry or just forgetting to reply. Of course, she should have replied by now but it’s possible she overlooked it. As others have said, send a bright and breezy follow-up just checking she got your message and offering her a get-out clause with the latest news.

ClaireP20 · 20/12/2020 07:54

She asked you to stay over Christmas but you responded that you would pop in. Those are 2 different things. Just leave it now. I certainly wouldn't want to stay with a colleague over Christmas, or even pop in to a colleague's house. I hope you have a nice Christmas either way xxx

ClaireP20 · 20/12/2020 07:56

@christmasfear

OP it’s the pop in that’s likely caused this, she probably doesn’t know how to reply. Pop in doesn’t suggest you’re coming for Christmas dinner, it suggests you may... pop in!

So I said I'd pop in for a bit after Christmas lunch, and bring some extra things (my specialty food, wine and some gifts). I said I'd love to see her but wouldn't want to encroach on her time with her family, as family is so important especially this year with the Covid issues.
If I had known the use of those words would irritate or confuse her to the extent of not responding I probably would have saved her some hassle and said no.

I just meant "pop in" as if she was just saying it to be nice, I didn't want to suck the fun out of her whole day (if that makes sense). @fluffygreenmonsterhoody

I think you were absolutely right. I wouldn't want to spend all day with someone's family either. Just leave it OP now. X

Original poster

christmasfear · 20/12/2020 07:58

She asked you to stay over Christmas but you responded that you would pop in. Those are 2 different things. Just leave it now.

Not stay in the context of overnight, I should have phrased my OP better. She asked me to come and spend time with her on Christmas day (but not Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, so it wouldn't have been a "stay over" situation). I thought people said "pop in" as a casual way of saying "I'm coming" but maybe I did miscommunicate there. Thank you though, I hope you have a nice Christmas too @ClaireP20.

Thank you for the Scotland update, @gavisconismyfriend. I try and stay away from the news as much as possible so I appreciate the info

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Somethingkindaoooo · 20/12/2020 08:02

Op, I miss emails all the time.

Seriously, who are these people who can stay on top of their emails?

Perhaps it went past her?
I ver very often get strange emails in my spam folder.

Can you not text her?
Is she normally genuine?

Just message, or call and say you have emailed, she may have missed it, but you understand if she has to take back the offer.

Somethingkindaoooo · 20/12/2020 08:03

( as in,I ger emails land in my spam, even though they are trusted senders within my organisation)

Sally872 · 20/12/2020 08:08

Yanbu, she offered repeatedly and you accepted. She has made it awkward by making an offer that wasn't genuine. Try to move on.

ImnotCarolineHirons · 20/12/2020 08:09

Just about everywhere in Scotland apart from the islands is going into our Tier 4 level too OP so you can definitely use that as a get out.

bobbiester · 20/12/2020 08:16

OP - at first you said...

She invited me to stay with her over Xmas (in a support bubble so all would be safe) and said a lot of things like "I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it"

Now you say...

Not stay in the context of overnight, I should have phrased my OP better. She asked me to come and spend time with her on Christmas day (but not Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, so it wouldn't have been a "stay over" situation).

What did she actually say?

If I invited someone over for Christmas dinner and they said they wanted to merely "pop in" I would assume they were turning down the invitation for dinner and just wanted to drop by for a drink and mince pie.

Original poster

christmasfear · 20/12/2020 08:20

Sorry, I was typing quite quickly to get it all down in my OP so didn't re-read it. "She invited me to stay with her over Xmas" meant she invited me to come and spend the day with her, but she also offered to drive (or get a family member to drive me) there and back as it's a bit of a trek and I'd have to arrange alternate transportation otherwise. So it would be the equivalent of a very long day, but not "over the Christmas period", just over Christmas day itself.

I just typed "over Christmas" but should have typed "over Christmas day", apologies I can see how that's confusing. @bobbiester

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bobbiester · 20/12/2020 08:22

@christmasfear

Sorry, I was typing quite quickly to get it all down in my OP so didn't re-read it. "She invited me to stay with her over Xmas" meant she invited me to come and spend the day with her, but she also offered to drive (or get a family member to drive me) there and back as it's a bit of a trek and I'd have to arrange alternate transportation otherwise. So it would be the equivalent of a very long day, but not "over the Christmas period", just over Christmas day itself.

I just typed "over Christmas" but should have typed "over Christmas day", apologies I can see how that's confusing. @bobbiester

Ok - but I'd still assume your suggestion of just "popping in" (if this is the term you used) was you turning down the invitation for meal etc. So this could be the explanation - she thinks you've turned down her offer and is a bit peeved.

naturalyoghurtmuncher · 20/12/2020 08:24

Please don't be embarrassed or take it personally. That was quite mean of her.
When I was in my 20s I found people in their fifties to be a bit condescending and saying things such as this but not meaning it. Im assuming because they were quite a bit older.
I'm sure you're a lovely person. ♥️

Original poster

christmasfear · 20/12/2020 08:26

Ok - but I'd still assume your suggestion of just "popping in" (if this is the term you used) was you turning down the invitation for meal etc. So this could be the explanation - she thinks you've turned down her offer and is a bit peeved.

I did use this term because I know she's not had much time alone with her family recently due to Covid and I didn't want to infringe on her family meal with them (hence bringing some nice things for after lunch so we could spend time together but she wouldn't have to be on "guest mode" all day). Maybe my attempt at being diplomatic came across wrong. Even so she could have said "feel free to come" or "sorry, plans have changed" or something, she knows ambiguity worries me . @bobbiester

OP posts:

Original poster

christmasfear · 20/12/2020 08:29

Thank you, @naturalyoghurtmuncher
Maybe it was a miscommunication but it seems odd to suggest things you don't actually mean / want just because someone is young. Maybe I misread a signal that it was actually just a social nicety!
Sorry you've went through the lurch with situations like these, I hope no one is as condescending to you now! x

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naturalyoghurtmuncher · 20/12/2020 08:30

Also op I've lived in Britain for a very long time. I've always found British people strange in that they might say something like 'help yourself to the chocolate biscuits' but that really means ' have one if you must, but I'd prefer if you didn't'

I think the lady was likely just saying something nice but offering an empty gesture

I hope that makes sense and no offence to the British ladies of mumsnet. It's just a general observation I've noticed over the years as a forriner looking in.

Original poster

christmasfear · 20/12/2020 08:34

I've always found British people strange in that they might say something like help yourself to the chocolate biscuits but that really means have one if you must, but I'd prefer if you didn't

I have Aspergers (not called this technically anymore but I'm still attached to that label in a weird way) and I already struggle to pick up social cues, especially when people say I'm specifically not doing this as a social nicety and then it turns out they probably are. Might just pack my bags and leave the UK I think, @naturalyoghurtmuncher

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naturalyoghurtmuncher · 20/12/2020 08:40

@christmasfear

I've always found British people strange in that they might say something like help yourself to the chocolate biscuits but that really means have one if you must, but I'd prefer if you didn't

I have Aspergers (not called this technically anymore but I'm still attached to that label in a weird way) and I already struggle to pick up social cues, especially when people say I'm specifically not doing this as a social nicety and then it turns out they probably are. Might just pack my bags and leave the UK I think, @naturalyoghurtmuncher

That must be tough . My eldest dd has severe autism. She's quite content on her own little world though. I do wonder how she interprets the world though.( non verbal) I go hope you have a lovely Christmas whatever happens x

WildNorthEast · 20/12/2020 08:41

Maybe she made the offer genuinely, but then spoke to whoever else she has coming over and they were the ones that were uncomfortable with the idea, maybe for reasons related to Covid. Give her another day to reply and if she doesn't, send her a brief email thanking her for the offer, but that you thing with everything that's going on, you've decided to stay at home this year.

Toadintheroad · 20/12/2020 08:41

You’re not the fool, she is. Don’t beat yourself up. Let her feel award, you’ve done nothing wrong

Stircrazyschoolmum · 20/12/2020 08:42

OP are you in Wales?! My mum has done exactly what you describe with a colleague. She hates people to be alone on Xmas day. She is not someone who checks her email that often though.. and certainly not throughly. Her view would be that if she had invited someone she would assume they would be coming unless she got a no from them. I’m not sure it would occur to her to reply to a yes?

I guess what I’m saying is this could be a generational thing and perhaps a quick email double checking it’s still ok to come given latest news and is there anything she would like you to bring, might help clarify things?

yellowhighheels · 20/12/2020 08:47

I think she just hasn't got round to replying/ missed the message. If she's in her 50s with adult children, I expect she's probably had the occasional extra young person in the form of a friend or boy/ girlfriend to join them on Christmas over the years so I would expect her invitation was genuine. It's not as big of a deal as if the kids were little.

However, I would feel exactly as you do and would probably prefer to email and cancel in light of changes in Covid rules. Even if it doesn't affect your area directly, you could word it as though you'd prefer to be cautious. That's if you'd feel more comfortable just drawing a line under it and planning your day.

If she then replies and insists she would love you to join them, you are in the position of being able to accept again but this way at least you're not left feeling awkward when you could be planning a relaxing day.