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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I unintentionally made this very awkward ??

346 replies

christmasfear · 19/12/2020 17:40

Name changed.

I've been at a new job on and off for the past few months. I'm in my twenties and my colleague (kind of an unofficial supervisor) is in her fifties ish. She knows I don't have anyone to spend Christmas with this year. She invited me to stay with her over Xmas (in a support bubble so all would be safe) and said a lot of things like "I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it" and eventually after a bit of pushing from my friend (who's busy on Xmas sadly) I sent her an email saying it would be lovely to pop in and see her on Christmas Day. I sent this a few days back.

However, she's not responded to this at all and she's sent multiple subsequent emails to the team so I know she's been online and can read mine. I feel very awkward about the whole thing, as I'm worried she just meant it as a social nicety and doesn't know how to let me down gently. So AIBU to have said yes to it and assumed she wasn't just saying it as an empty idea? I can't imagine anything more awkward than saying something just to be nice and having the other person respond with "yes please!" (or words to that effect). Blush

OP posts:
JesusInTheCabbageVan · 20/12/2020 09:37

@naturalyoghurtmuncher

Also op I've lived in Britain for a very long time. I've always found British people strange in that they might say something like 'help yourself to the chocolate biscuits' but that really means ' have one if you must, but I'd prefer if you didn't'

I think the lady was likely just saying something nice but offering an empty gesture

I hope that makes sense and no offence to the British ladies of mumsnet. It's just a general observation I've noticed over the years as a forriner looking in.

Funnily enough, I was just thinking that this is a uniquely British situation. Grin There's a good thread in Classics about people who have ended up in ridiculously awkward and inconvenient situations through trying not to cause offence.
Original poster
christmasfear · 20/12/2020 09:38

But if popping in was easier, wouldn't she have suggested that?

But there's an undercurrent of social politeness going on and maybe she would have worried I would have taken it personally (or considered her a bad host for not wanting to involve me in Christmas lunch) so she felt obligated to offer a full day experience. This feels like a big mind game truthfully, wish it was just acceptable to say what you mean. @diddl

OP posts:
UntamedWisteria · 20/12/2020 09:39

Please do not assume that because she hasn't replied, she doesn't want you there.

If she is expecting you and you don't show up, then that will make things even worse.

You need to speak to her to resolve it one way or the other. As MPs have suggested there could be any number of reasons she hasn't replied to your email.

Just be brave and pick up the phone, or maybe send a text or WhatsApp if that's easier.

Original poster
christmasfear · 20/12/2020 09:41

You might like to see her for a couple of hours and appreciate the company but not want to spend the whole day with a family you don't know. I get that. You haven't made a faux pas here and there's no reason you couldn't join in for a drink and a mince pie and join the game of charades or whatever.

Absolutely, it's lovely of her to offer but I would like for her to have some private family time since this year has been difficult due to the pandemic (and family means so much) and also a bit of a rest on Christmas day for myself, since socialising does require quite a lot of energy expended especially when it's with people I don't know. @yellowhighheels

OP posts:
diddl · 20/12/2020 09:43

I think the problem is that you don't know each other that well & it sounds as if you would have declined (as I would) if it wasn't for your friend.

Because you're colleagues & not good friends, there's too much guesswork about what is being said & what is really meant!

TheBumbleNums · 20/12/2020 09:45

OP just style it out.

Send another email saying ‘Thanks very so much for the invite, but as I never heard back from you I assumed your plans have changed so I’ve made my own plans now as it’s only 5 days until Christmas. Thanks so much though, have a wonderful Christmas and I’ll see you in the new year!’

Bright and breezy, it allows her to know she’s committed a faux pas but you’ve saved face

WeeDangerousSpike · 20/12/2020 09:46

I think you really need to send a follow up email of some sort. As it stands at the moment you've said you're going, but you're not!

Have you checked your junk folder for a reply? My (ms office) emails have gone all weird the last couple of weeks and even internal emails mid conversation are getting put in there. She might have the same issue and be unaware of it, so hasn't seen your reply. In fact I think I'd text her or call, just in case there's an email issue.

Original poster
christmasfear · 20/12/2020 09:46

I think the problem is that you don't know each other that well & it sounds as if you would have declined (as I would) if it wasn't for your friend.

Yes, I think that's probably a very apt assessment Sad
I guess I assumed she would know how to communicate with me, given she knows I'm Asperger's and I like things being quite clear cut. More fool me for making the assumption though, I'm going to hold off until tomorrow I think and then send an email to politely reject it (probably mentioning the Covid excuse by PPs). @diddl

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 20/12/2020 09:47

Surely you don't still want to go after all the palaver? I would send an email saying.

'Hi
I really appreciate your kind offer -meant a lot that you thought of me and asked me to join you. After the horrible news last night I have been thinking about Christmas and am just going to have a quiet day here- it feels like the right thing to do and I am quite happy now I've made the decision. Will go for a good walk and watch a film with some treats and a glass of wine.
Hope you don't mind me backing out. Have a lovely day with the family and will catch up in the New Year.
Love

sonjadog · 20/12/2020 09:48

I think that you will get an email from her on Monday or Tuesday discussing the arrangements for Christmas Day. I think her offer was genuine, she is glad you have accepted, but she hasn't got round to finalizing the details and that is why she hasn't got back to you yet. I don't think you have said anything offensive or that offence has been taken. Just wait a few days and you will get a response from her.

Pr1mr0se · 20/12/2020 09:48

Just ask her out right - did you get my email, can I still come? You could temper it with 'I don't mind if your plans have changed, just let me know.

DisorganisedPurpose · 20/12/2020 09:50

Hi,

I notice you have not replied and guess you might be concerned about the new stats on the pandemic. To be honest I am having second thoughts too. It was lovely of you to think about me at Christmas but, on reflection, I think I'd better not visit now. Thanks for the offer and I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

Original poster
christmasfear · 20/12/2020 09:53

Thank you, @LuluJakey1 that seems like a friendly template to send - I'll base how I respond off that I think.

I don't know if I should completely skim around the "you didn't respond" part? Because I don't want drama or tension (I know everyone who is dramatic says that but truly I don't) but I'd also feel very sad if she offered this to someone who was alone next year, they got excited about it and then the same thing happened Sad
I feel fortunate that my MH is doing okay this year, but if it had been another year it might have been quite a big blow as far as loneliness goes.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 20/12/2020 09:56

I really wouldn't send her anything for a few days and give her a chance to respond. Unless you have decided that you don't want to go after all.

Original poster
christmasfear · 20/12/2020 09:58

I really wouldn't send her anything for a few days and give her a chance to respond. Unless you have decided that you don't want to go after all.

To a certain extent I think it might be too stressful to go now, @sonjadog. I think I'd rather have a bit of a mopey Christmas than a stressful one (though obviously I'm aiming for a pleasant one!).

OP posts:
BlackCatShadow · 20/12/2020 10:05

@LuluJakey1

Surely you don't still want to go after all the palaver? I would send an email saying.

'Hi
I really appreciate your kind offer -meant a lot that you thought of me and asked me to join you. After the horrible news last night I have been thinking about Christmas and am just going to have a quiet day here- it feels like the right thing to do and I am quite happy now I've made the decision. Will go for a good walk and watch a film with some treats and a glass of wine.
Hope you don't mind me backing out. Have a lovely day with the family and will catch up in the New Year.
Love

I think that’s a nice response!!

I mentioned before a woman who kept inviting me to come over or to join her for dinner. It was very weird and I couldn’t understand it, so I dropped her as a friend. I can’t be arsed with people who play games. I wondered if there was some weird dynamic going on that she didn’t want to be alone with her husband, but they seemed happy enough. Just some people are weird and there’s no understanding them,

sonjadog · 20/12/2020 10:07

How did you know she was playing games and didn't genuinely want to invite you over for dinner?

AfterSchoolWorry · 20/12/2020 10:08

I would be as list as you OP.

I've found myself in situations in the past where people invited me to things to be polite. Things I wouldn't have wanted to go to, but I'd accept just to be polite.

Then you get there and realise it wasn't a genuine invitation but you have to power through the excruciating awkwardness until you can escape.

For this reason I now assume all invitations aren't genuine and politely decline everything, or make non committal polite waffle without committing until I can get away from the person.

It saves all this type of thing. Always be ready to decline. They're relieved, you're relieved. Everyone's a winner.

AfterSchoolWorry · 20/12/2020 10:09

Lost*

CheetasOnFajitas · 20/12/2020 10:11

Also op I've lived in Britain for a very long time. I've always found British people strange in that they might say something like 'help yourself to the chocolate biscuits' but that really means ' have one if you must, but I'd prefer if you didn't'

What? If I say “help yourself to the chocolate biscuits” I mean “help yourself to the chocolate biscuits” and if I am honest it offends me when they don’t have one.
@naturalyoghurtmuncher you’ve been unfortunate in the people you have met.

By the way if OP’s colleague is Scottish I think even less likely she said something not meaning it- we are generally pretty straightforward.

Original poster
christmasfear · 20/12/2020 10:11

It saves all this type of thing. Always be ready to decline. They're relieved, you're relieved. Everyone's a winner.

Grin See that was my mentality, but then I was persuaded into being social and trying new things! I'm quite comfortable being a hermit, especially when it means avoiding all these mind games. Unless there's a million pounds on the line I won't be analysing other people's bluffs again Grin @AfterSchoolWorry
OP posts:
CheetasOnFajitas · 20/12/2020 10:14

OP what was the subject line of the email? Is it possible she thought it referred to something else (eg was it tagged on to an email chain about a work issue?) and hasn’t opened the email because she is not working on that project/task at the moment?

Original poster
christmasfear · 20/12/2020 10:15

What? If I say help yourself to the chocolate biscuits I mean help yourself to the chocolate biscuits and if I am honest it offends me when they don’t have one. @naturalyoghurtmuncher you’ve been unfortunate in the people you have met.

I've actually experienced this too. The same thing with if someone asks "what film are you watching" they are (supposedly) actually asking "Can I watch this film with you?" and if you say "The Bourne Legacy" they'll take that as a cold rejection. Which seems mad, but I suppose I'm not naturally equipped with the skills to care and understand about these conversational faux pas.

OP posts:
CheetasOnFajitas · 20/12/2020 10:16

You’ve experienced people fake-offering you chocolate digestives?

How did you know?

diddl · 20/12/2020 10:16

She might not be playing games, she might be tying herself in knots thinking how to say "popping in doesn't really work, would be easier if you didn't come at all rather than that".

Or she might be thinking of the day she has planned & when is the best time to suggest that you pop in.

If she's thinking of a way to accomodate you, I think that a reply on Monday maybe Tues is fine.

You've declined lunch, so it's not as if you're needing to know whether to shop or not for that for yourself.

Or as a pp has put, you could decide now not to go at all & decline.