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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have I unintentionally made this very awkward ??

346 replies

christmasfear · 19/12/2020 17:40

Name changed.

I've been at a new job on and off for the past few months. I'm in my twenties and my colleague (kind of an unofficial supervisor) is in her fifties ish. She knows I don't have anyone to spend Christmas with this year. She invited me to stay with her over Xmas (in a support bubble so all would be safe) and said a lot of things like "I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it" and eventually after a bit of pushing from my friend (who's busy on Xmas sadly) I sent her an email saying it would be lovely to pop in and see her on Christmas Day. I sent this a few days back.

However, she's not responded to this at all and she's sent multiple subsequent emails to the team so I know she's been online and can read mine. I feel very awkward about the whole thing, as I'm worried she just meant it as a social nicety and doesn't know how to let me down gently. So AIBU to have said yes to it and assumed she wasn't just saying it as an empty idea? I can't imagine anything more awkward than saying something just to be nice and having the other person respond with "yes please!" (or words to that effect).

OP posts:

Original poster

christmasfear · 19/12/2020 18:11

That was my natural reaction too but it's my first Christmas without my family (personal stuff) and I wanted to branch out, lest I get all sad and Bridget Jones-y on Christmas day with a ton of chocolate and wine @katy1213. Reaching out of my comfort zone and all of that stuff!

Except now I'm alone, Bridget Jones-y and it's awkward

OP posts:

Original poster

christmasfear · 19/12/2020 18:12

Thank you, @AngelonTopoftheTree! I don't want to spam her inbox or anything but if I get no response, I'll probably send a quick message like that and hope we can just brush past it.

OP posts:

Nottherealslimshady · 19/12/2020 18:19

Send another email tonight if you can saying "Hiya, just seen the government has changed Christmas for a lot of people because the risk has increased so I totally understand if you'd rather I didn't come over to yours for Christmas. Let me know what you prefer so I can get myself some goodies in for a wine and pyjama day :)"
Giving her an easy out but you weren't wrong to accept the offer.

Cherryberrypies · 19/12/2020 18:19

You could respond in a few days and say something like ‘with the new restrictions being brought in I understand that me coming over would make things difficult for spending time with your family. Thank you for the offer though I appreciated the thought.’

MaMaD1990 · 19/12/2020 18:29

Personally I would just totally ignore the entire thing and carry on as if nothing has happened. The one thing that will make it more awkward is addressing it!

Lemonpiano · 19/12/2020 18:38

There is absolutely nothing nice about saying things you do not mean to try and make yourself look good to others, whilst getting another person's hopes up then simultaneously letting that person down and rejecting them.

I know it smarts, but the only person who should feel bad (or look bad) is her. I hope you don't let it put you off trying to connect with others and take positive chances on people in the future.

Fredelliottisayfredelliott · 19/12/2020 18:42

I too would just leave it now. Sounds like you lucked out, who wants to spend Christmas with a colleague, that would be awful. You have nothing to feel awkward about, she should be the one who feels embarrassed for inviting you and then ignoring you.

Original poster

christmasfear · 19/12/2020 19:49

Thank you everybody! I feel a bit better now (ish, still a bit shit but at least I can chalk it up to a learning curve ).

OP posts:

HunterHearstHelmsley · 19/12/2020 19:55

She has made it awkward, not you!

A friend of mine is going to be alone for Christmas. Unfortunately I can't invite her to mine. I was honest and we were going to have a second Christmas day at hers.

pcmcgregor · 19/12/2020 20:02

Are you sure she doesn't just assume you're going? She invited you, you accepted? The other thing that crossed my mind was that she'd invited you to 'stay with her' which I'd interpret as spend at least one night? Where you replied you'd 'pop in', maybe this caused some unintentional offence? I over-analyse all communications so understand how you feel, just thinking of the different possibilities here. Honestly if I were you I'd send the message someone suggested upthread (don't know how to copy - think it was the one about pyjama day), that way at least you give her another chance to respond if she thinks you are still supposed to be going, an easy out if she's changed her mind for any reason, and it at least clears any ambiguity and stops you overthinking it all

Original poster

christmasfear · 19/12/2020 20:06

So by "stay with her" I think she meant stay the day on Christmas - she mentioned cooking some food and playing games I think. I said I'd give it a think and let her know and she said that was fine but maybe I've somehow caused offense? I'm just not sure what I've done wrong.
@pcmcgregor

OP posts:

Eddielzzard · 19/12/2020 20:07

You haven't done anything wrong. If you don't hear on Monday I'd text and blame the new guidelines and that it seems it might not be the best idea, but you so appreciate the thought.

pcmcgregor · 19/12/2020 20:13

I agree, you've definitely done nothing wrong. I think either she thinks you're still going and just didn't reply to confirm, or maybe someone in her family has said something eg related to covid risk and she's feeling awkward not knowing how to let you down. It seems so weird that she'd go from inviting you to suddenly not wanting you there. I really don't think it's anything you've done or that you have caused offence. I was clutching at straws really with the stay over thing as I can't think of anything else there would be to take offence at, so it's most likely that there is no offence taken.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 19/12/2020 20:16

Please dont worry you've done anything wrong. Inviting someone if you don't mean it or arent sure about it, and not telling them if something happened to change their mind, ans then ignoring them once they've accepted, is just game playing and shitty. Taking an invitation at face value is normal

MustardMitt · 19/12/2020 20:16

She is really really out of order if she pressed the point but didn’t really mean it. How cruel to do that to someone you know will be spending Christmas Day alone.

I don’t think you should be embarrassed here, but I understand why you might be.

purpleme12 · 19/12/2020 20:34

Regardless of what happens, please please believe that you have done nothing wrong at all here. You haven't done a faux pas and you haven't missed any social cues at all.
If someone says something and then backs out it's completely their wrongdoing.
Honestly, it is not you at all here

VimFuego101 · 19/12/2020 20:37

@purpleme12

Regardless of what happens, please please believe that you have done nothing wrong at all here. You haven't done a faux pas and you haven't missed any social cues at all. If someone says something and then backs out it's completely their wrongdoing. Honestly, it is not you at all here

I agree. You've been perfectly polite and not imposed yourself at all - she asked you repeatedly. So I hope you don't feel bad.

goldielockdown2 · 19/12/2020 20:40

Yep, it's her, not you. You've done nothing to make it awkward.
As you're now stressing about the situation, you can send a follow up email like PPs suggested. You'll still be feeling awkward otherwise unless she does something in the meantime like message you apologising for not replying sooner.
Christmas with wine and chocolates isn't so bad. It's just one day which happens to be the most overhyped event ever.

JamieLeeCurtains · 19/12/2020 20:49

I'd message now, and say that due to the new guidelines it appears that you cannot now take up her kind offer regarding Xmas Day, how sad it all is for us all, but greater good, needs must, etc.

Then never mention it again - and never trust her again. Don't respond to any further fluff.

You did nothing wrong.

SwanShaped · 19/12/2020 20:57

Definitely her, not you. So weird to invite you and not mean it. But equally in covid times it might be that someone else has worried her about the infection risk and she doesn’t know what to do now without upsetting you. So maybe it’s that instead.

Seventytwo · 19/12/2020 21:08

Her weird behaviour is the problem here OP - not you! In your shoes I'd send her a breezy message along the lines of:

"Hi X, in light of the latest government announcement I've decided to stick with my original plan of a solo Christmas - think that's the most sensible course of action. Thanks for the invitation anyway and hope you have a lovely day!"

And leave it at that. She sounds a bit of a bell-end tbh.

CircleofWillis · 20/12/2020 02:56

@pcmcgregor

I agree with the 'pop in' interpretation. If II read that I would wonder if you really wanted to come and whether you would be there for food (should I prepare extra or not?) or just arriving at some random time at your own convenience.

BorderlineHappy · 20/12/2020 03:06

She invited you thinking you would say no .And now its bitten her on the arse.

Where there other people around when she offered.

I would just email and blame Covid and the government but i wouldnt trust her as far as i could throw her.

Baileyscheesecake · 20/12/2020 03:30

Are you sure she received your email? Have you checked your sent folder to make sure it did go out? It’s a busy time of year. Maybe she just overlooked your email by accident and hasn’t seen it? I think a follow up email is necessary - short, bright and breezy - as others have suggested use the latest restrictions to check and give her a get out clause. Good luck [

Nicolastuffedone · 20/12/2020 03:31

Maybe her family are annoyed she invited a colleague (stranger) for Christmas.....who knows? But you’ve got an out now with the new restrictions.

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